One-on-one used to be so my thing, so I don't really know what happened where I'm not wanting to meet with people one on that much anymore. But they are mainly new people, and I'm just like: ugh.

One woman, I met at an al anon group. She wanted to meet for coffee. We have met twice so far, and even though she is a good person...I'm like, "yeah no." I find myself feeling insecure after, like she's judged me secretly. and during, we don't have much to talk about. I actually get the vibe from her that she's not interested in friendship. She hasn't texted me back anyway, and I am just not going to bother with her again.

One guy in my meditation circle wanted to get together for coffee / walking a while back (he's gay, so just friendship), so we did. I enjoyed and so did he. We were supposed to again, last week, but I cancelled, because...I was not feeling up to it. Then this week, we did go for a walk. I sort of wanted to cancel. But, I mean, friendship and walking and I felt like I wanted to be reliable. But it was kind of uncomfortable for me. I found myself...feeling a little insecure and like it felt unnatural. Same with the woman above. He also brought up whats been going on in the media with Dr. Blasey Ford and Kavanaugh, because it was a church topic (he goes to my liberal church, too), and he said "I just couldn't relate to that." He sounded annoyed. He said some other things too. Like he wished everyone would stop talking about it. And like...I was just thinking to myself, "hello, I'm a woman, why are you saying that to me." So I said, "Oh I wish I'd gone. I would have been able to relate." It's weird though. I may have just been uncomfortable. But I switched the topic, because I'd heard about something else about that particular sermon not having to do with the me too movement. And so we talked about it for a moment, but then he went BACK to what he'd been saying before! He said: "but yeah, I just could NOT relate to the other thing." With such...annoyance. I find I'm really bothered by this! I don't even want to hang out with him again. No, I didn't speak up about how I have been very triggered by the whole national issue, how it brought up a LOT of negative feelings for me, bad memories, anger, outrage, powerlessness, etc. But what the heck. I think just...I don't want to get together again. He wants to meet next week. Blah. I do wonder if he was just comfortable with me. And made a social blunder. He is quite awkward, shy, and said he wonders if he has autism.

ANOTHER woman, I initiated getting together. But I don't even want to now. I was just inspired by her weight loss plight, and thought it would be nice to exercise together. But I didn't really even care about her, or for her. I don't know why I did what I did (asked her to exercise w/ me). It was sort of a positively charged impulsive thing. And I thought about it more and I just don't know.

Is something wrong with ME? Or am I just not clicking with people lately? I am quite solitary. However I do like to be social at times. I go through phases w/ that. Cycles. More social. Less social. Right now, I like the idea of being social in a group, and not having the pressure of meeting one on one. Where you really...must talk. Even if you don't want to. Where as in a group setting, something about it seems more relaxed. Groups used to intimidate me. I don't know what changed. Maybe I changed.

[MickeyCheeky]

Perhaps you just need to find someone with similar interests. Nothing wrong with that. Also I'm assuming you're an introvert person, so perhaps that's another reason why.

Thanks Mickey! You could be right. I am an introvert, but depending, I can sometimes be an ambivert (person with introverted AND extroverted qualities).

I haven't decided about hanging out with them again yet. But I don't have to decided today. The woman I met from Al Anon, texted me just now, and so it made me feel good.

I do wonder if the problem is me. Just a little. I think I need to find a way to be more secure, and also find SOME kind of social balance. I know that may not make sense, the social balance part. I think I'm just trying to say....I avoid groups too. Because I AM scared. New things scare me. I dunno. I'm tired of being analytical at the moment lol.

Edit: I also feel really guilty now! The woman I was going to walk with today, made a post about 4 hrs ago on Facebook and mentioned she was going for a walk later. She seemed excited. I did cancel with her so I feel guilty. What's my problem? Maybe I'm apathetic?

Edit part 2: I do think I spend a LOT of time on the computer, away from forming IRL relationships. Today I don't care. Lol. but sometimes I do care, and try setting limits for myself.....

Also I just have to say that I'm taking a language class. I love it. I went last night. Felt very good to be there. I love the teacher.

[Fuzzybear]