Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?

I'm sorry for the women you've experienced in your life then. I've had plenty of good solid friendships with women over the years even lacking anything to do with romance or sex. and no one was "used".

thats your choice. you do as you want i will do as i want and one thing i do not want is someone's girlfriend as a 'friend' when it suits them

Has someone really hurt you in the past?
Mentioned behaviors are just as bad if a man were to do that to a woman.

In a true friendship, you are supposed to love and respect that person whether he/she is single or in a relationship with someone.
Why does that even matter unless your sole goal is to have sex?

Frankly I do not want to be friends with a guy who is only friends with me because I'm single. I don't want to be "friends" with someone who is just trying to sleep with me. How do you even call that a friend, that's just creepy.

I had a similar situation, only I was the girl in the situation (even tho I am a guy).

The problem started when we had sex. It just happened, and it wasn't worth it. But she "caught feelings", and I had to separate it.

Amy Winehouse, Just Friends

One was going out with a friend of mine that i did not know about and would ask me for coffee for 'friendship' so she could pump me on whether he looked at other women when he and i went out. When i found out i told her where to shove her 'friendship' and do not speak to her now. In my experience there is always some hidden motive for 'friendship', so i don't do 'friendship' with any one who is involved with someone else
a true friendship has no hidden agenda as i have mentioned
correct. I would not do it to a woman

That also disturbs me. I cannot imagine how you can find someone actually arousing and stimulating if you do not also feel the attraction of their personality. To me, personalities are often repulsive as well. And a lack of personality is also something that would block my sexual urges. And I mean that both in the sense of a person with little personality as well as a lack of a personality or emotional connection in a sexual fantasy or sexual relationship.



I can only assume this is a perfectly correct description of your relationship with this person. Yes, I can see how this can be very hurtful. Usually it is the female who ends a friendship when the man would want more than just friendship. And man or woman, if you feel a deep emotional relationship with someone, if you are physically attracted someone, why would you not want to try a relationship, assuming there isn't already someone else more suitable?


Yes, I can see that when trying a relationship you discover new aspects of the other that show you are incompatible as life partners, but not as friends.



Still, I find it interesting how some people who are single and crave a relationship describe that they have an opposite gender friend who they find attractive both physically and mentally, but who they would just immediately brush off as 'not relationship material'. Why?

I have a female friend. I think that on the surface, we are quite compatible. I confided a great deal of emotional things to her. If I were her, I would find some insecurity in the fact that I have not seemed to have considered her relationship material. In fact, I have considered it and I don't feel I find her attractive enough. So she would be right in making that judgment. And I myself feel guilty for not acknowledging her femininity. If you have an opposite gender very close friend who acts frigid around you, how would that not make you feel insecure? If even your best opposite gender friend doesn't find you attractive, who would?

So considering that, why wouldn't very close opposite gender friends go for a relationship? So one always wants a relationship and the other doesn't? Or do both need to find the other unattractive (usually physically)? Or both need to be in a relationship where both agree their actual partner is a superior match? But if so, why share very deep personal feelings with that opposite sex friend and not with your actual partner? Of course, you can share it with both. But the point remains. If you have a emotionally more deep relationship with an opposite gender friend than with your actual partner, I can see how that would be problematic. I mean, you can be 'friends' and you can be 'friends'. Much easier to be opposite gender friends with someone with whom you share hobbies or interests or do activities, discuss friends or work or general things in life. That as opposed to a friend with whom you discuss your deepest feelings.


I think both sides that make a strong case are wrong. Yes, opposite gender friends can be friends. But it is not obvious that they can.

Consider a relationship between a homosexual male and homosexual female. They are neither each others competitors or each other' 'prey'. Surely, here it is easy to see how they can have a fully committed relationship without any sexual tension or sexual insecurities. Surely, it is clear that this is different from heterosexual opposite gender relationships.

post links

Why are you resurrecting a thread that's been dead for the better half of a year to demand evidence from a member who hasn't been online in half a year? Did you ever get your friend to take the Dark Triad test?

To answer the thread title: Yes, of course.

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I took a look at the research literature on men and women being friends. Apparently, research into this question began about a decade ago. Bleske and Buss (2000) surveyed college students regarding the benefits and costs of opposite-sex friendships in their lives. In general, many of these benefits and costs were the same for both men and women: Both sexes enjoyed opposite-sex friends for dinner companions, conversation partners, self-esteem boosts, information about the opposite sex, social status, respect, and sharing resources. Both sexes also noted some similar costs of opposite-sex friendship, such as jealousy, confusion over the status of the relationship, love not being reciprocated, cruel or mean behaviors, and being less attractive to potential romantic partners because of the friendship. Male and female responses differed on a few key items though. Men were more likely to see sex and romantic potential in an opposite-sex friend as a benefit, while women primarily saw it as a cost. As a result, men were also more likely than women to report that they had sex with an opposite-sex friend (22 percent vs. 11 percent for women). Men were also more likely to report friendship costs of lowered self-worth and giving time to help the friend, while women found their own inability to reciprocate the male's attraction as costly. Therefore, when friendships did not turn sexual or romantic, men were often left feeling rejected and used (i.e., "friend zoned"), while women felt uncomfortable with the unequal attraction. In contrast, when friendships did turn romantic/sexual, some of these men continued to label the women as "just friends"—at about double the rate of women. This leads to the "other" friend zone women more routinely face, the "friends-with-benefits zone," where sex may be shared but commitment is not reciprocated.

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To make matters worse, each sex sees the other's benefit as their own cost. Thus, women tend to find it costly and onerous when male friends desire sex and romance. Men, in contrast, find the time and money demands costly and frustrating, particularly when their romantic desires are not reciprocated. So, due to the mismatched desires, we have the makings of friendship difficulties. What does this mean for the "friend zone"? As I have written previously, the friend zone is essentially an unequal relationship, in which the desires of both friends are not equally met. It may exist in a "just friends" context, with resources being shared (usually gratifying the woman's needs), but sex and romance is not an option (usually frustrating the man). A mismatch can also occur in a "friends-with-benefits" context, where sex is being shared (usually satisfying the man), but resources and protection are not forthcoming (usually frustrating the woman).

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Conclusion Can men and women be just friends? In many cases, the answer is no. Sometimes that is a good thing, when both people see friendship as a step to mutually satisfying love, sex, and/or commitment. At other times, men and women cannot be just friends because only one friend desires something more. Those mismatched desires between men and women lead to unequal friend-zone situations, in which one person's needs are completely satisfied at the other's expense. Those unfortunate instances and the frustrations around them are the friendship problems we hear so much about. Friendship between men and women is not impossible. However, it does require finding someone with friendship goals matching your own. Communicating clearly and leaving when there is not a match is key. Also, if you desire to be "just friends," it may be better to pick friends who are already in other romantic relationships. That way, you can have a satisfying exchange, a good friend, and no frustration.

Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? | Psychology Today

i didn't ask you for it did i?

I ain't ready for the alter but I do agree there's times....

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Originally Posted by yagr I ain't ready for the alter but I do agree there's times....

"when a woman sure can be a friend of mine"

Of course a man and woman can be just friends. I have always had many male friends and they're honestly just mates. I have never been interested in them, they have never been interested in me. We wingman each other from time to time. In my mind there is no gender distinction when it comes to friendship, except I only have one really close male friend in contrast with 2-3 female friends (I have always been outgoing and have many friends, but really just a handful whom I consider best friends and share everything with).

I have never understood this issue because it has never been an issue. In one of my friend groups there are quite a few couples, in no other friend group I've been it do people hook up within the gang. But even in that gang when it happens quite a lot it's not really an issue and people have generally stayed friends after breaking up.

Why not?
I think it's normal.