[Free_lancer]

Hello everyone

Just facing one problem in personal life, ay be someone had similar problem.

I'm dating very very nice guy, we are planning to get married, i'm very happy.
One problem: he know my ex-guy (it wasn't real relationship, it was lets say just for health, i thought i could have such relationship in my past, but i was really mistaken and I regret it 100 times, but it is there, in my past, i would love to erase it from my and his memory) and sorry for this intimate detailes, but i have to say that which is not easy for me..
So - when we are making love, he said that he visualizing me with that guy, my face, poses we are using, my behavior etc.. Actually it's happening after we are done with sex, i mean we don't have problems with sex at all - satisfied and happy.
And i really love my boyfriend, he is everything to me, i never been such happy as i am now.
And I see he is suffering from this situation, he doesn't want to remember, but it's just jumping to his head as he is saying.
He told me about it today, he was trying to keep it with him, don't upset me, but today he said that he needed to talk with someone and he spoke with me not to blame me, just he saw only friend in me he can talk about it.
I don't know how to help him. Did anyone get out of this kind of situation?

[sabby]

Free_lancer and welcome to PC!

Sorry to hear that your boyfriend is having difficulties with your past relationship. I'm wondering if it's possible he's not feeling completely secure right now and maybe he's doubting a little bit about his and your feelings for each other? The other thing I'm thinking is that maybe he has a bit of a jealousy problem?

No one can change their past. We all have things that have happened in the past that we are not proud of or in hindsight wish we had not done. But the past is the past. At some point, everyone needs to move on and learn from each experience.

I think the best thing you can both do for each other is to communicate (which it sounds like you are doing which is great!). I believe you need to take of any blinders you may have on and really look at your boyfriend and see if there are areas of jealousy that he shows (overt or subtle). If you see none, then thats a good thing and it sounds like he is processing things. Talking about your past experiences may not be the thing to do here. Giving him as much reassurance as you can that you are committed to your relationship may help him get over his visuals. Both of you working on the present and your future together could be a big help for him to get past it too. Reminding him that no amount of thought of the past will change the past....encouraging him to think of the present and future might help.

I don't know if this has been much help. I do hope you both can work through this issue and enjoy each other. I wish you both well!

Hugsss
sabby

[youOme]

Not sure what you're saying here. I think the only way this problem will go away is if he talks about it. With either you or whoever else he trusts.

[Perna]

Hi, Free lancer. Did this boyfriend know the ex? I don't understand about his thinking about you and the ex. If he didn't know the guy then it is up to him to fantasize or not about whatever he "wants". I don't know that he can be "helped" with that as it is all in his thoughts and head. It isn't about "you" at all so there's nothing much you can do about it.

I think for awhile he needs to deliberately think about something else more "interesting" or see a counselor to figure out why he is concentrating on something in your past instead of his own life.

[Doh2007]

From your words, it sounds like you have an extremely loving and committed relationship. It sounds like he hopes by sharing his feelings with you, he that will be enough to dispell the image.

Maybe by your loving acceptance and concern, in time it will go away. It might be really helpful for him to talk this over with a therapist, or you could talk to a marriage counsellor together once or twice. I've found that to be very helpful.

[Free_lancer]

Thank's for ur advices, hope they will help
I really trying to communicate with him and assure him that only he is important for me and he is only the one in my present and future life

[Free_lancer]

I hope that after he shared this with me, he is feeling better
It's also possibility to resolve the problem..

[Free_lancer]

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Perna said:
Did this boyfriend know the ex?

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Yes, he know him and we seeing him often in our social environment..
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I think for awhile he needs to deliberately think about something else more "interesting" or see a counselor to figure out why he is concentrating on something in your past instead of his own life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

He understand that this is his problem, but really I don't like to see him so exhausted emotionally, and I want to help him if I can, that's all..

[Free_lancer]

Thank's
I'm really planning to go to see therapist...

[Sultrysorrow]

Maybe you should indulge him, act out the visualizations w/ him. Except of course it would not be w/ your old "friend w/ benefits". Talk to him before you consider doing this.
Both sexes have a sense of jealousy to some extent, especially when it comes to sex and previous partners.
Although you shouldn't have to sacrifice anything you're not comfortable with. Just an Idea.

[Free_lancer]

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Sultrysorrow said:
Maybe you should indulge him, act out the visualizations w/ him. Except of course it would not be w/ your old "friend w/ benefits". Talk to him before you consider doing this.

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I don't think I will even consider this, it's too much for him, and for me...
Cannot do it with someone else, I'm not an angel, but I discovered that I can make love only to someone I love.

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Although you shouldn't have to sacrifice anything you're not comfortable with. Just an Idea.

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Yes, here you are absolutely right. Thank's for sharing the thinkings..