[seeker1950]

My mom just passed away, as I've shared with you here at PC. We buried her yesterday. Mom didn't want a wake or a funeral with "someone preaching" over her, and had asked to be cremated, telling both me and my sister, but my sister ignored this and, because of their Pentecostal religion, there were several sermons at both the funeral and the interment. I realize the funeral is a way for the living to receive comfort, pay tribute, and to say goodbye, and it was beautiful, in it's way.
Mom wasn't a sentimental or particularly religious person, actually mean-spirited a lot of the time, though in her last days while I cared for her, we had a close bonding and healing relationship for me, and I showed her the love she needed. She even asked me, "How are you like this?" to which I answered, "It's my nature, MOM!"
Mom really imbued me with a massive inferiority complex, thru her physical and emotional abuse which extended even when I returned home from college with hittings and verbal abuse. I recall one time when I was very small, probably preschool, my dad telling my mom, "You're going to give her an inferiority complex." Which she did, and which I've battled all my life.
My dad's father, very elderly, born in 1869, used to say, "Don't cast your pearls before swine!" That is what I've done all my life in relationships...compromising myself personally. I married a man I didn't love but to whose demands I acquiesced for 20 years, but relationships with men before and after were full of abuse. Now I see it is time to stop, though I don't know what the future holds. I've seclued myself agoraphobically for almost 4 years now out of fear, but I think there is stil time for living, though I have no desire for a relationship with a man. I do realize my mother instilled a great fear of men in me....emphatically, and that is probably why I have failed so miserably. I look at other successful relationships and wonder why I haven't had that.
Sorry for rambling on so long. Believe me, this is not a "pity party" on my part....just needing feedback and to talk.
Love
Patty

[bebop]

Patty I have tears in my eyes reading this. it reminds me so much of my mother and her abuse to me. I am here for you anytime hon. I am so happy for you that you got to spend such good time with her in her last days and seemed to make amends with her and show her the love. I am in awe of you.

[salukigirl]

you havent failed at all. if youre still here, talking to us then obviously you havent failed. and dont compare yourself to these "successful relationships". we never know what goes on behind closed doors. they could be just as unhappy and abusive as your past relationships. nothing is without its faults and that includes people.

be thankful that you are smart enough to see yourself from an outside perspective. many people would just sulk and never try to better their situation. but youre here, youre talking and youre trying. thats all you can really ask for. were all here for you.

[spal]

seeker, I was so moved reading what you wrote. You describe my relationship with my mother. I understand you so well -- keeping yourself locked away for fear of being hurt by uncaring people.

But you know life is not just there to be gotten through. Life is there to be experienced and enjoyed. I hope that you will find the courage to come out and enjoy some of it. There are kind people in the world. It takes time to find them but they are there.

[seeker1950]

Thank you, Bebop, Saluki, and Spal....
I feel kind of ashamed for posting this thread. I know I'm exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. I worked at my teaching job today, and felt tired and achy, kept myself wrapped in my shawl from chills.
I think where I am now, having experienced the demise of both my parents to cancer, is feeling a spiritual void. I've tried to do it "on my own" for so many years, thinking rationally and even scientifically.
In the end, my failures don't mean much, and I apologize for wallowing here.
Love to all of you,
Patty

[Perna]

Don't mean much to whom? They have to mean something to you and they mean something to me (and other PC us's :-)

I don't think we're quite in our graves yet, at 57; there's a lot of living we've done but still a fair amount to do. How old was your mother when she died? Your father? Your grandparents? I figure I've got until around 85, give or take a year or so. So, lets say THIRTY years. That's a lot of living we've still yet to do, Patty. I'm looking around for what to do with mine (I'm retired so don't even have a job/career anymore to hold my thinking together there) and would love some company from you :-)

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Perna, and all of you...
The reason I posted this thread was really because I had contacted three of my past male acquaintances about the news of my mom's passing, and it was enlightening, to say the least, as to how they responded. One, with whom I've been corresponding frequently, was downright cold and rude, just talking about himself. Another sent a polite and brief condolence, stating I could write anytime (as if I'm some kind of charity case). Only one responded with any compassion or insight, but not in a way that was encouraging to me. This, leaving me to realize how I continue to "cast pearls before swine!"
Yes, Perna, there IS a lot of living yet to do. Thanks, Sweetie, for reminding me of this....not that I expect it to be with a male partner.
While in the hospital during the long night hours with my mother, I perceived, though maybe I'm mistaken, that a couple of male nurses my age, were actually flirting with me, spending excessive time talking and telling me of their lives, giving hugs, but maybe it was just compassion for what I was going thru. How does one flirt? I don't know...I just shrink into my shell! Anyway, it gave me hope that there really are nice men out there, and maybe that I should, in fact, be "getting out there" more.
Love
Patty

[Perna]

I didn't meet my husband until I was 34+ and didn't marry him until the 9th hour of my 38th year (September 1989 and I turned 39 in October :-) I believe it is never "too late" to meet a "partner."