[Amedley71]

So I'm trying to work on my codependent issues. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. I know, and have always known, it wasn't long term. There was just something there that I knew was off. But I don't break up with him because I hate conflict and I don't want him, or anyone, mad at me.
Well I finally get the courage to tell text him yesterday. (I haven't spoken to him since Friday) him I've been working on myself and really feel we need to sit down and talk.
He responds with "my mom died last night so that's all I can deal with".
So now I feel like crap. I k ow she was sick but had no idea it was this bad. Now I'm thinking maybe I should delay the breakup so I can be there to help him through all this.
I feel so guilty and selfish, even though I had no idea. It makes no sense for me to feel guilty, I know that. But my anxiety doesn't.
Ugh....

[healingme4me]

Wait....that's how he tells you, his gf that his mom died? Where was the in the moment I need your support phone call?

I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you. It is sad news about his mom but he wasn't keeping you in the close as a rock and fortress? What?

[Amedley71]

Yeah. That's what I was thinking.
He knows I've been dealing with my own stuff and have started therapy. He sent me a good night text Friday night but I neither of us made contact Saturday or Sunday. This text conversation happened Monday morning. Evidently she died Sunday night. Not sure when he found out as we live (not together) about four states away from his family.
This is my MO. Feel guilty about everything. Even if it has nothing to do with me.

[healingme4me]

He texted you and didn't call you? It happened Sunday and he tells you on a Monday?
So you've been working on your own stuff in therapy. That's a point of strength not weakness where being in a relationship is concerned.

[Amedley71]

That was one of issues. He would rather text than talk. He's very quiet and has a hard time opening up. We see each other on the weekends, but during the week we only have conversations via text. One we got into an argument and he told.me "this is the reason I don't tell people how I feel. It just causes arguments".
I feel better knowing the relationship is over, but feel so bad he's going thru losing his mom alone. I lost my mom 5 years ago and I still cry about it.

[healingme4me]

I lost my own 8 years ago. It's easy enough to withdraw but social isolation isn't a good solution.

Thinking about codep tendencies and reading your replies, and it's something that I've certainly done before and have tendencies to do, it's minimizing feelings by justifying behaviors that are not a good mesh. It's rescuing others from consequence. Not consequence in a punishing way but cause/effect type of way where there's a need to recognize that the other person-you- has feelings that need to be considered. It's self neglect which is probably learned from childhood.
It sounds like by him telling you that he doesn't open up because all it does is cause an argument feeds into your retreat to not cause harm/upset feelings.

[Open Eyes]

When facing a loss like this, it's normal not to be able to talk about it right away, often the very first thing that is experienced is shock.

Also, it's not unusual for someone to prefer texting when they have a tendency to be shy verses instantaneous with interactions and conversation. With a text a person has time to think about their responses and they prefer having more time like that.

Give him some time and space to process the loss of his mother and all that entails with family and planning a wake and funeral etc. It's better that you don't present him with yet another loss. You can step back from that and just give him time to focus on the loss of his mother first.