[DazedandConfused254]

If there’s anything that I want to change about how I deal with my everyday stressors, it probably has to be the bad stuff I can sometimes say in the moment when I’m venting to a third party. I can pretty much always hold my tongue around a person who has offended me, and I try cooling myself before seeing the offending party again, so I typically don’t hurt the person who has hurt me in their face. But all hell breaks loose when I’m talking to another family member or friends about the hurt that someone may have caused, which usually involves calling someone a nasty name, emphasizing their negative qualities, or falling into the “recency” trap, where I filter out all the person’s positive traits, or the friendship/love they provided me and concentrate only on the hurt they caused in the moment.

At first I thought it was just a temporary thing that would be a quick fix even after this problem arising from several years of enduring manipulation from fake friends, spawning feelings of resentment towards people in general. But now I am starting to feel guilty about some of the unnecessarily crappy things I have said about others in the moment while venting to my best friends about my problems, especially when I recently harshly criticized a friend behind his back while talking to my folks about a tough week in school due to his failure to complete his part for a project I am leading, and when have even called family members disgusting things when I’ve vented to my friends about any hurt or offense they may have caused.

What can I do to prevent myself from speaking badly of others behind closed doors, so I can reduce the likelihood of actually criticizing or insulting the offending party in person?

[Chyialee]

This is a tough one, friend. Many of us struggle with it to one degree or another, and, as you've experienced, it can get really intense/bad when we are feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or frustrated. Talking to a "safe" person can help when you just really need to vent -- otherwise, how about writing a letter in which you just unleash all your feelings and get very explicit about how upset or hurt you are? It helps some people (including me) a lot.

What I find harder is someone "leading" me into negative remarks about someone behind the subject's back -- they said something about how the subject has upset them or has xyz negative trait -- and before I knew it, there I was, expounding on what I thought was abhorrent about that person's behaviour. Auuggghhh!

Being super-aware of it helps -- but not always enough. Letting it out in other ways is best, I feel; but it's tough no doubt.

Best of luck.

Chyia, imperfectly fighting that battle as well

The person you vent to may say it back to the other person compounding the problem ..maybe not in your case

Taoist approach helps - don't react

[mote.of.soul]

Hi,

I went through a stage like that DazedandConfused254, and I was quite similar to you where I really wasn't happy with myself for doing it. And even now looking back, I don't feel the best about it except that, hey, it's just where I was in those times. I definitely had the sense, though, that in some of the cases, I needed to get things off of my chest in a non hurtful way about the person. But to cut a long story short I just don't talk about people behind their backs anymore, except to say they're a good person. I just wanted to raise my standard about that and if I have something to say about the person - if I really think I need to say something - then, yes, just say it to the person themselves. Of course, saying something to the person may effect your relationship with them, but that's part of it. You just have to factor that in before you say something.

But the whole thing's tricky and I just try my best not to say anything divisive about people in ordinary conversation. Unless it's a political figure of some sort :-)

So, that's my two cents. Having a counselor is always good too, because you can process your feelings with them in a non judgmental way.

[TishaBuv]

I always knew basic rules about how gossip and back stabbing is mean and ‘do unto others as would would have them do unto you’. Recently I learned there’s so much more to it. Try not to gossip or listen to gossip. Try not to hurt anyone’s feelings. Only say and try to think positive things— that’s a tough one!

I’m working on this myself, too.

Then when someone close to me starts with negative gossip of bad mouthing, I’ve had to say ‘I don’t listen to gossip’ and get away from them.

My trying this new, better way out, actually aggravated my family situation and now I’ve had a complete falling out with all of them. Not really over this though. It was over their complete lack of compassion for me as well.

The light at the end of the tunnel, though, is if we keep trying to be better people and getting away from toxic people, moving forward to non toxic people, I am sure there will be happiness eventually.

I have often wondered if people who badmouth someone to me in turn badmouth me to someone else.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by LonelyMan

I have often wondered if people who badmouth someone to me in turn badmouth me to someone else.

You can safely assume so.

[Chyialee]

/\ This.

I used to wonder this as well -- until I actually overheard someone talking utter shyte about me.
It never hurts, imo. to be quite guarded about what you tell folks who do a lot of this behind-the-back-shyte talking. Bc one day the subject WILL be you.

Chyia, ~sigh~

[WishfulThinker66]

I have done this I admit. Usually when another's behavior has either come to a ridiculous extreme or to the point it has affected me directly. For example, I couldn't help but share my dismay at the fact a person close to me just spent $75,000 on a used car. That was a big nugget I couldn't keep to myself. My words spoken behind this person's back were not exactly positive or friendly. I recently shared the fact that a co-worker has revealed themself as being dumb as a post. It was such a shocker I couldn't help but sharing the story of how I had come to that realisation.

I have caught myself about to do this. I tell myself 'no' however. For, when someone bad mouths another to me I can't help but wonder if they do the same about me.

[s4ndm4n2006]

if you cant' say it to their face, should you really be saying it at all?

[Travelinglady]

Perhaps you can find another way to vent your anger against someone who has offended you. Maybe beat a pillow in lieu of them and tell the pillow what you often tell others about the person. I'm glad you're concerned about this issue. It's a hard one for most all of us.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((DazedandConfused)))) I can relate to what you're saying. I'm gulty of that too, sometimes. My rule of thumb is to never say things that I wouldn't say face to face to the other person. It's not easy but it can work if you remember it. You can also try to vent your frustration by writing a letter to say what you want to say. It's great that you're acknowledging this behavior and trying to correct it!

It is natural for human beings to vent. But make sure you never vent to someone in the same circle. When you do that, you are hurting the other person's reputation as it influences the hearer's opinion about him or her. So make sure the person you are venting to has nothing to do with/ does not know the person you are complaining about.

[s4ndm4n2006]

key word is venting here. Venting to others of your anger does not in anyway imply that you are necessarily bad mouthing someone. That someone legitimately offended us is one thing but where it becomes a problem is when you're saying things that (as I said) you never plan to bring to their attention directly at any point. In other words it is understandable to avoid confrontation initially but if you never plan to remedy it directly with the person themselves at any point, then really you should not be talking about them in that bad light. Also the nature of your "venting" may make a difference too. Talking to another friend or colleague about the behavior of another person with the intent on getting advice and/or help with what to do is also not bashing nor back stabbing but genuinely seeking advice.

Everyone needs a sounding board at times, but what and how you say what you do matters.

[DazedandConfused254]

Thank you so much for your replies thus far everyone. I always dig the overwhelming support I get from you guys here, and it has helped me achieve a whole new outlook into this problem. I have already found journaling as a helpful technique to vent my frustrations, although sometimes I get busy and forget to journal.

I've read these responses several times already and have let what I have seen so far soak into my mind. And I think to myself, "If I really feel that way about a person, might as well just say it to them", which of course would be very foolish of me to do, and I also do not have the nerve to do that. Empathy has come in clutch once again, because I definitely do not want anybody saying such things about me. Since most of the time these situations come up with people I constantly see or have a closer relationship with, I don't really feel that way so might as well throw the insults, both direct or hidden out the window. But even then I'm so happy I'm not alone in this kind of struggle.