When you know you're with the wrong person

Oops, said I'd wrap it up. Just left here with a few questions. He keeps throwing around the words "bossy, controlling".... I don't understand and I've asked him to start to explain what he means first, by saying "You're too bossy". I don't see myself as bossy. I ask what I can do and I've asked what he means, he doesn't have anything to say after that. He seems to think I am bossy yet when asked, he goes silent. My only guess is that he wants his space so very much, like he'd be happy to see me once a week, and when I'm around for more time he is uncomfortable because he's used to a bachelor style way of life.

Anyone else here been told they are bossy and controlling, and do you have any idea what a man means when they say this? thanks

It's not my opinion, it's the truth of the matter. Argue with me if you wish, but that's not my intention at all. Love does not involve being mean to each other -- that is not love. That is something else -- it is dysfunction, and it's unhealthy.

Here's what you wrote:

"I have dished it back at him at times. I can say things that hurt him just like he hurts me. Who knows I deserve "better", or that there is "better" out there?"

You sound like you are justifying him being mean by saying you dish it out yourself and are mean back. My guess is you're just defending yourself with him whenever he has been mean towards you.

I think you're settling. Please forgive me for pointing this out, but you seem like you have very little self-esteem and self-worth. Someone with strong self-esteem, no matter what their prior experience has been, would walk away when someone is repeatedly mean to them.

I am not trying to be mean by saying that. I am just trying to get you to look at yourself and HIM and to realize that YES, in fact, you DO deserve better.

Please think more of yourself than you do... and if you've come to the point of even suspecting that he stole your wallet? What kind of relationship is that? I don't understand this at all here.

Also, I thought this was a closed topic now? You seem to want to continue a debate about him. I thought you had made up your mind?

Wow, you were right on that one. My message was up for all of 2 min before I deleted it. I'm not trying to start an argument. But I've noticed before that you said your current bf would "never" be mean to you. Excuse me but people aren't perfect. Relationships aren't. People change in ways you wouldn't have expected.

This bf has changed this past year or more. He's not laid a hand on me. He's barely been verbally mean. Yes the wallet stolen was traumatizing to me, and of course since I saw it last at his apartment I assumed since there was not a sign of a break-in, it could be him because we've been arguing more this past month. Thanks.

No my fiancé would never be mean. People don’t change just like that. He’s pushed you down in the past, correct??

That is correct Golden. It was I think more than one and a half years ago and we were both extremely drunk.

All I can say is: drunk or not that is never ok.

No it isn't ok. I've been reading a previous thread I made. I had decided then to leave this bf. It didn't last long. I had asked if controlling meant love because I misinterpreted what my friend sent in a p.m. here. Of course controlling isn't love. It seems he still is controlling or is just fed up with our relationship. But he always wants me back again. I could be very codependent in this. I'm a mess emotionally today.

When someone says they can’t tolerate you it’s an indication that they’re fed up and are not that invested. I don’t really understand why you want this relationship but as I said before if you’re happy that’s all that matters.

Are you familiar with the cycle of abuse?

An abuser wants the abused person back so as to be able to continue the abuse. Therefore, an abuser will be nice from time to time, just nice enough to entice the abused person to stay or come back. But the niceness never lasts.

Yes I'm familiar with the cycle of abuse. I can't seem to get myself out of it. I'm financially strapped because of my wallet being gone. It wasn't returned to anywhere. I strongly feel something strange happened in his apartment. I can tell certain people really don't like him and he's had parcels stolen from outside his apartment. He's involved with drug dealers. I noticed one at his work, when I picked him up one night. I pay attention to things that's how i know, the licence plate. He openly gets his cannibas at work and no one cares.

He's telling me I'm bossy for asking him what bossy means to him. I don't know how to leave him. I'm out of $ for this month.

This is ridiculous. I pay for my food. I take him to work because of his mistake that could have caused an accident, I need to leave. My cat is here, some belongings, and I have enough gas in the car. The weather will turn bad today.... I'm a stupid woman.

If he can afford to smoke 6 joints a day and get drunk, he can afford to take Uber to
Work and he manage his life just fine. Sure no relationship is perfect but come on now. It’s not even a proper relationship. Take care of yourself please

((((2daffodils)))) what just happened? Are you safe? I know you're out of money, but are you safe? Is your cat at your place or at his? How long has your furbaby been with you?

If you cannot manage at the time and out of money, take yourself to a shelter. If you have place to stay but no money go to a shelter or soup kitchen to eat. Do not drive him around to waste gas. I am not surprised people don’t like him, he is not a nice person. Also if he buys drugs he needs ton of money. Drug addicted often end up stealing. So no surprise there.

Also as nasty as he is, if he only wants to see you one night a week, it’s counterproductive to stay in his house more than that. If one night a week isn’t enough for you, you should look for a man who wants commitment.

staying in this guy’s house more than he wants you to only causes more fights. You can’t force commitment.

If you want to keep dating this guy, stay in your own house. Let him come to you and take you out or go do things or visits with you in your house or area. Don’t go see him. Don’t drive to see him and dint drive him around. Stop pursuing him.

If he refuses to come see you in your house and/or take you on dates, then you have your answer: he just isn’t that interested. That would be the sign to move on. Men don’t stop at anything when they really want a woman to be in their life. He makes zero effort. It’s your answer

I am safe. Thank you for the messages. I will update again soon, and thanks for the concern shown here.

Thanks, this sums it up. But its clear I'm moving on. It's just so very hard for me. I got so attached. I felt that the crumbs were better than nothing. I'll be ok. Just have to be more determined that I can manage my life, without him, because with him I've not become any better. I'm more confused and I'll hopefully manage my life without him. We have both agreed it's over. I am going to have a very hard time. We enjoyed a lot of things, but this behaviour from him was manipulative. I am safe. I will grieve. No one will understand what i'm grieving about, but to me, being with him was better than alone. He won't come around to see me, I doubt it. And if I let him, I'm not determined to do what is best for me. Wish me the best to be strong and stay out of his life. Thanks to you all.

Be strong; stay out of his life.

Stay strong. We are here to support you. Hugs.

Think of all the bad things that made it difficult for you both.. any incompatibilities, the way he treated you that did not agree with you, arguments you had, differences and most importantly how you felt most the time.

Hugs.

You can do this.

I feel lost. I'm sorry for typing this. I feel like I've lost most of my reasons for living. But I have 2 sons. I feel so hurt. I am starting to cry like a baby, I've always had depression and I feel like the one little thing I had to make me happier is gone. He doesn't even care. I'm too weak and sensitive I always was. I don't want to cry. I feel like a weakling.

It is okay to be sad when someone lets you down.

It is okay to cry when so hurt by someone so close.

You aren’t a weakling.

Being upset and sad over ended relationship is only normal, regardless if it was good relationship or not. It’s a change. Change is always hard. Focus on positives in your life. Let yourself grieve and try to heal. It will get better. Crying isn’t wrong either. Give yourself time to process it. Be gentle to yourself

I find myself more and more angry. I feel like I was used

I want to update about this. The wallet was found, but by the time I got it I had new i.d., not a big deal I suppose.

I did apologize to the bf then that he wasn't at fault.

I had "made up my mind" that he was making me more depressed.

I am stuck financially at my home for reasons I just don't want to put in this thread.

He did not forgive me for my mistake about saying I thought he might haven taken the wallet. The more I think of the relationship we had, the more I see how much he said "you are bossy, you are controlling", yet the more ways I see that he was controlling me, even my emotions. By saying "I love you", then withdrawing affection as he felt like it, making everything wrong about me, telling me "you can't change, so this can't work", and almost never looking at his own behavior, this all angers me so much.

What do I do with my time? I had wanted to volunteer but that meant a long drive because all volunteering options are in a city too far from me, and I live in a small town. THere aren't volunteer opportunities that wouldn't affect myself financially.

I have music, that I play. I'm getting tired of it. The depression is getting real. I feel somewhat like the crumbs he gave me were better than nothing. But he cut me down. He rarely made me feel good. I remember he started to compliment me in the beggining of our relationship, and then saying "but I don't want you thinking your'e too hot".... huh. I'm hardly that at all imo. I liked being told he loved me, the affection part of our relationship. Love isn't all physical. Love seems too complicated for a woman like me. I still feel lost. I don't know other than cleaning and offering to do what I'd do before for a living, more often. Just tired of giving and not getting love in return.

He'd often say "I'm all yours".... but he didn't make me feel like a priority in his life. I guess I just need to learn how to be alone with my feelings but its hard. At my home the living arrangements are putting me into financial trouble, not my irresponsibility. I wish I could put everything out here, but it's too personal.

It's natural to be angry when you've gotten the raw end of the deal and when someone has mistreated you. You may feel angry or bitter for a while. Do you ever journal? I found that journaling and letting my feelings out on paper to myself really helps. Or let it all out here. It's healthy to acknowledge your feelings and to let it out. After a while of feeling that way, you will move onto another stage.... most likely acceptance and moving on from what happened. Just know in your heart and mind that you do deserve better treatment than that. It's one way to heal and move forward, is to know that you would never accept less than what you truly want and how you want to feel in a relationship. And one should mainly feel good in a relationship, not depressed, bad about oneself and unhappy.