[nativeAmerican]

Hi my name is nativeAmerican and this is my first post¡ I need to talk about the difficult relationship I´ve had with my father for many years. I am 29 years old and to recall a good positive moment with my father, a moment of connection and understanding, I have to go back 15 years in time.

I moved abroad and started working when I was 21 years old, and that meant that the problem has been "latent" for a long time, I talked with my family over the phone once every 1 or 2 weeks, the problem was there but just that, latent. 9 months ago I went back home so that I could finish my second degree, meaning that I was again economically dependent from my parents.

I was able to stay at home only 8 weeks because of the arguments, I felt so mistreated, judged, gaslighted, and decided to move to our holiday house so that I could just feel normal and continue with my life. But in all these months he never let me have much peace as he has been coming to our holiday home EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY so that he could enjoy his hobbie.

2 weeks ago we had a big argument because I told him I didn´t want to see him at our holiday home, I told him it was too painful to see him or even talk to him. I explained him all the frustrating situations that I felt for so long since I was a teenager, and all he said was that they were all "JOKES".

I told him about how upset I was when he insulted me a few months ago because I didn´t want to speak to him. One Sunday in August I spent the hole night and morning vomiting after suffering from food poisoning, he was the only other person at our home and refused to go to the pharmacy or provide any help.

I remember the way he mistreated and looked at me when my maternal grandmother was dying in hospital (his relationship with my maternal grandparents was bad for many years) and I decided to spend the night with her, that was the last time I saw her as I was living abroad.

Some time ago my family was doing a daytrip and my father told me to "do my plans" excluding me from it. This summer I was doing the final exams and it was very painful to see him, yet he kept coming every Sunday, staying for some hours, doing unnecessary stuff in the garden. It is very painful to listen to him, have him nearby, talking as if nothing happened, as if it was all in my mind, as if I was too sensitive, as if it was all my fault.

I feel deep inside that my parents are being incredibly unfair and unkind to me, yet they have been supporting economically these months, but have used it in comments to cause pain, and "explain" the abuse I feel.

I have so many bad memories with my father. When I was a teenager I was part of a sports team, he would take me to the competitions and races every Sunday. I never won but being part of it was a big success for me. I hated the way he talked me down, and the nice words he had for the others. My family visited me once while living abroad years ago, but they were in economic trouble and he seemd so upset, so disconnected from me.

I had an expensive bike and one day he was organising the garage, he promised me he would put it back inside when finished. 4 months later I came home for a few days and the bike was still ouside, obviously rusted because of the rain and the weather. I feel he never cared about anything I care, my exams, my accomplishments, the difficult moments, I feel he´s never been there.

I talked with mum and younger brother and sister but they don´t see the problem, they don´t see my pain, all they say is that I take things too seriously. I ve been visiting a therapist for several sessions but all he mentions is that there is a HUGE communication problem between us, but hasn´t mentioned anything about emotional abuse. The problem is that I don´t think my father is a very good person, I don´t think all this pain is caused by just misscommunication.

All I know is that I never had this problem with anyone during all the years living abroad (almost a decade), and I FEEL mistreated by father. I haven´t had any positive moments together for years, but we´ve had arguments, bad gestures and looks coming from him, judgments, so many judgments for son long, I´ve been judged by the way I drink, eat, walk, talk, behave, interact, think, look... I´ve felt so much anger because my pain is not understood at home.

Thanks¡ I will appreciate any input

[healingme4me]

I wish I had input. So sorry you are going through this.

[Azzurrella]

I’m really sorry for you.
I have the same problem. Judgment and judgment. Me too I have not one good memory of my childhood.
I think we have to understand that they are in that way, poor of emotions. The problem is inside them, not ours. To explain...if you have in your family someone with Alzheimer disease, you can’t blame him for his behaviuor. You have to understand that there is something wrong with our fathers, something so wrong and so big that is impossible to change.
The problem now is not how to communicate with our farhers, how to make them understand all the pain they caused to us and how they may had influenced our life... The problem now is to be happy and have a life full of beautiful moments, to make them no more toxic for us. We have to understand that everything they say is foolish and non-sense, that their judgment has no worth for everyone.
You have to move your ears aways from what he says and continue your own life in the way you feel it is correct. Don’t consider him anymore. Have tolerance and respect for him as fo every old person, but don’t pay attention anymore to his words and actions, they are not important. I think our fathers cannot understand us, we are on different planets, and anything will change. They will be in the same manner they have been, if not worsening growing old. Let them talk and judge, while we listen to our thoughts and music, understanding we cannot stay together, understanding you are not in a wrong way. You can’t change anything, he will never understand anything. Don’twaste your time and be only proud of you.

[KD1980]

He sounds very insensitive and callous. I understand. I cut my father out of my life because he's a sociopath.

You have a right to be upset and hurt. He's not respecting you or your feelings. Just remember that you deserve to be respected and loved, and to not be afraid to put yourself first. 💜