I know unforgiveness is unhealthy for one's emotional state. But I'm scared to forgive a certain toxic person because that may lead to me letting my guards down. I have forgiven her many times in the past and that led to me letting my guard down and opening the door to her damage. (It would be easier to let go if I never had to see her again but that's not a choice...although I did distance myself significantly).

I feel like holding onto what she did to me in the past is only way for me to keep reminding myself to be on guard. If I may use that analogy, it's like holding onto a memory of falling down into a hole, so that I am constantly conscious of the hole to never fall into it again.

How do you forgive but not forget to maintain boundaries?

[Medusax]

I disagree. What is unhealthy, at least for me, is forgiving someone for something that was premeditated and malicious. That is like rolling over and eating crow. I refuse to do it. Grudges are effortless to keep.

[healingme4me]

Has the behavior changed over time? I'd err on the side of caution with the concept of forgiveness. How many second chances can a person be given in the name of forgiveness?

[TishaBuv]

I can relate to where you are at. I forgave in my heart even though I was given no apology. I did that for ME, because they are Narcissists and can’t/won’t behave any differently— they’re not capable.

I ended the friendship with the backstabber. I keep the relationship with the relatives at the most minimal because that is less painful for ME.

[KD1980]

Originally Posted by ennie

I know unforgiveness is unhealthy for one's emotional state. But I'm scared to forgive a certain toxic person because that may lead to me letting my guards down. I have forgiven her many times in the past and that led to me letting my guard down and opening the door to her damage. (It would be easier to let go if I never had to see her again but that's not a choice...although I did distance myself significantly).

I feel like holding onto what she did to me in the past is only way for me to keep reminding myself to be on guard. If I may use that analogy, it's like holding onto a memory of falling down into a hole, so that I am constantly conscious of the hole to never fall into it again.

How do you forgive but not forget to maintain boundaries?

This is me. My narcissistic and sociopathic father kept abusing me, so I could never forgive him properly.

For me, I didn't exactly forgive, but I let go of a lot of my anger and I keep telling myself that I'll always be a better person than him. I refuse to have any contact or interactions with him. This was how I handled it. I hope you can find peace and healing.

[s4ndm4n2006]

In my mind I was thinking that forgiveness does not at all mean that you put yourself in harm's way with the same person, or that you literally forget what happened and become unaware of the behavior or potential behavior. but I looked it up for a better explanation

However, if by “forgive and forget” one means, “I will act as if the [offense] had never occurred and live as if I don’t remember it,” then we can run into trouble. For example, a victim can choose to forgive the [offender], but that does not mean she should act as if that [offense] had never happened. To spend time alone with the [offender], especially if he is unrepentant, is not [what this means]. Forgiveness involves not holding [an offense] against a person any longer, but forgiveness is different from trust. It is wise to take precautions, and sometimes the dynamics of a relationship will have to change.

(edits mine)

[TishaBuv]

“Forgiveness involves not holding [an offense] against a person any longer,”

Well, I really didn’t forgive then. I just stopped trying to get my needs met and accepted who they are. They won’t engage me in the discussion anyway, so I really had no choice.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, ennie I don't think forgiving a person means forgetting anything that he/she has done. I think one still needs to be careful and, most importantly, doesn't have have any obligation to have something to do with that person. It's your choice. Forgiving simply means to not hold a grudge against someone and move on with our life. At least that's my opinion. I'd try to see it this way, if it can help a bit. You sound like a good person. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[TishaBuv]

Forgiving may be letting go of the anger and sadness that comes with the hurt for your own well being. This person who keeps hurting you isn’t going to stop. They aren’t going to respect your boundaries. They aren’t a nice person. That’s why you are hurt and angry.

So you keep them at a safe distance because it feels better than completely moving on from them.

There are plenty of time someone hurts us and it doesn’t feel that bad to us. It wasn’t so severe. Then, it is easy to forgive and cautiously forget. People aren’t perfect.

It’s the severe offenders that you have to come to this crossroad with.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Has the behavior changed over time? I'd err on the side of caution with the concept of forgiveness. How many second chances can a person be given in the name of forgiveness?

The behavior has not changed overtime. I read about "hoovering" and I now realize that's what she was trying to do: Apologies are not sincere, but for the purpose of keeping me or winning me back.

For example, prior to asking me for a favor, she apologizes in advance saying, "I'm sorry to bother you this late at night..." or "I don't want to become a burden to you but..."

...and then asks me for a difficult favor that she knows would interfere with my work and life. If I say it's going to be challenging for me to help, she usually keeps pushing, or guilt-trips...this is tricky since she occasionally initially says, "I understand" but brings it up months later making sarcastic comment about it to let me know she holds on to her offense when her request cannot be accommodated.

Someone who say the considerate words that she say above and mean it, would not do what she does.

I feel like I have to constantly and actively remind myself, "Be careful. Her fancy words and sweet demeaner are not real."

[TishaBuv]

As you learn more and more about abuse tactics and the types of people with whom you just can’t win, you’ll feel like the world opened up in enlightenment and understand just what you’re dealing with.

You can put up a boundary by not picking up the phone at late hours.

You can try to say you’ll try to help, but just not come through. I know that’s passive-aggressive, but it avoids confrontation.

It’s hard to not get sucked in by the guilting, too. Maybe it’s best to just let them say you are bad, ungrateful, whatever. Just say, “I’m sorry.” I think that’s where I am at now with my struggles.