[Sadconfusedwife22]

I have been married to my husband for 10 years (together for 15). I am 20 years older than he is. I was married before and have 2 grown children and 2 grandchildren. My husband has never been married and has no children. My first marriage ended when my ex molested our Daughter when she was 15
and is in prison for 42 years. I have had a very rough life.
I met my current husband and I tried to just enjoy a friendship with benefits, as I had only ever been with my ex. He was the kindest man I had ever met and treated me like a queen. He loved me so much, I could not resist him.
Even his mother talked to me about staying with him. She said she felt we were both such nice people and he was an old soul. She knew him best and told me that if he said I was the one, then I was it. So I married him.

I soon found out (even though we were together 5 years prior to marrying)
that he was an alcoholic. He drank beer and occasionally Jack Daniel shots. He finally stopped the shots (I think) and the beer got worse and worse. His liver got enlarged and he was told he had to quit. He tried for 3 years off and on to quit. He asked me to help him. I tried. I went out of
town for work and while I was gone, he drank and got a DUI. We went through the results of that and eventually, he tried to quit again. Again, I tried to help him and he would go maybe 30 days or so and then drink again. I didn't know that eventually, he started to resent me and told me that he
started to "lose some love" for me. He began to stop wanting to be intimate and told me that he didn't know why. I am over weight and I thought that was why he had lost attraction to me, but he assurd me it wasn't that. I had lost some weight since we first were together, so he reminded me
that I was heavier then and so it was not that.

He was always irrisponsible with money and so we agreed to his opening his own bank account at a different bank in just his name. He would write himself a check weekly from our joint account and use his own bank so that he didn't bounce anything
in our joint account. Little did I know that he started buying beer and then started calling 2 girls that he knew from school who were both in jail. One girl in particular he said he used to have a crush on. He paid money on their books and talked to the one girl frequently on the phone.
The whole time, he lied to me telling me he didn't know why he was reeiving charges from an inmate. I had seen his bank statement and noticed the charges on it. He assured me he would take care of it and had no idea what it was. Later, I found that he had a hidden Yahoo email account that showed
the calls and a clearance for a visit to the jail. He swears that although he was cleared, he never went. He lies do much, I don't know if he went or not. If that wasn't enough, I then found out that he was drinking more and more behind my back.

He was promoted to a position in his job that
he was truely blessed to ever get. It was more money than he ever dreamed he would make. He was very stressed and it required him to work almost 24/7. He claimed that the stress of it all made him drink more and more. He got a second DUI in the company truck. By some miracle, the cop didn't
show up to the DMV hearing. The DMV dropped it and he only had to face the court hearing. We retained a lawyer and he managed to get away with very little consequences considering. He continues to drink every day and drive, in the company truck and in his own truck. It doesn't phase him at
all that he could go to jail if he gets caught again. I then found out that while we were having problems because of his drinking and the fact he was calling the jailhouse girls, he figured we were about to break up because he couldn't stand my nagging and controlling anymore. He finally told
me that he felt that way and I asked him why he never told me that he was unhappy. He then admitted that he wanted me to help him and that my nagging helped him not to drink. He felt he couldn't stop drinking without my help and needed me. He said he also realized that he wasn't unhappy with
me, that he was actually unhappy with himself. We agreed to try again, and that I would leave him alone about his drinking. He would try to stop or at least get the driving part under control.

Shortly thereafter, I found out that he had turned to a girl at work that he was extremely attracted
to. She was very pretty and thin. She had a 15 year old child and was in a bad relationship where her boyfriend was beating her. So my husband told her how he was unhappy with a controlling and nagging wife. They became "friends" and he started helping her financially. He paid her car and
phone and gave her money. He bought her and her child lunch, dinner, etc.. He bragged that he was separated from me and was going to buy himself a house. Eventually, she was going to move in with him and they went house hunting together (with a realtor). We were selling our house so that we
could move closer to town. He bragged that it was "his" house and he would use the equity to buy "them" a house. I went out of town for a week for work and found out that she got evicted that same week. Supposedly her kid stayed with a grandparent and she stayed in our guestroom. When I
returned, I found the guesroom bed was unmade. He swore no one was at the house, but couldn't explain the unmade bed. He finally admitted she had slept there for one night he said But nothing happened because they were just friends. I then found that he had bought her a bed. She moved
in to a condo and he loaned her his truck to move with. I found emails stating all of this. He called her his "princess" and "baby girl" and she called him her "sunshine". He ended his emails with "much love" which he said meant friendship. He said he was only wildly attractd to her and
did want to sleep with her, but could not because he did not want to cheat on me. He was trying to decide whether he wanted me or her. He loved me, but wanted her - but only physically. He said she was a fantasy. He finally decided to keep me and get rid of her. He tried 4 or 5 times by
supposedly sending her a letter, talking to her, etc.. and even had her send an email to him (which they set up). I found out each time that he lied. I finally threw him out and he panicked. Then he finally sent her an email in front of me and told her it was over. She replied the next day
and asked why he kept going back and forth with her, etc..

I do think that this time it is over. He is acting diffrently and has added me to his bank and deleted his email account. He also gave me his phone password. He could potentially see her at work, but he seems to be very different
this time. My problem is that I am still very hurt and he still continues to drink and drive and works 24/7. He has tried to be a little more interested in me physically, but not much. I'm not sure if I did the right thing or if I can ever trust him again. I feel stupid and although I have
lost 55lbs (not because of this) I still can't compete with someone that young (she is his age). She is very pretty but is covered in tatoos and overly made up. She was obviously way too pretty for him, but played him for his money. She knew from work how much money he makes and I found
out that (just from what I can prove) he paid her at least $2,500.00. He said he knows that she played him. But yet, he was still willing to leave me for her knowing that. He never loved her, he said - only was so attracted to her. He always loved me, but was willing to let me go and
watched me hurt so badly just for someone he wanted to sleep with? I just can't believe it. Am I an idiot like I feel I am? I was so happy with him and he is basically a really nice person. He said he was only trying to help her out, but did have an attraction to her. He says at first
he wanted to be with her, but only when he thought I was going to kick him out because he knew he couldn't stop drinking and had no choice. He said it was no contest that he would much rather be with me because he loves me and that will never change. I would appreciate any advice and/or
comments? Thanks!

[Raindropvampire]

I have no advice but I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central. I hope someone comes along that has some experience that can help you.

I'm very sorry for your pain and your experience. ((((Hugs)))))

Honestly? This man is a liar, a cheater, and a severe alcoholic. You've given him chance after chance, but he is not to be trusted. He did awful things behind your back, yet keeps convincing you he loves you and wants to be with you, but he lied and cheated. He went so far with his lies to convince another woman he was leaving you, separated and would move in with her.

The alcoholism is a lifelong problem. Can you really ever trust him again? And even if you could, can you deal with his alcohol problem? This man is very problematic. I know you love him, but I wouldn't put up with any of that BS a second longer. He needs to straighten out and be sober for at least a year.

Why not separate at least and see how that goes? You're putting up with FAR too much BS, and I'm afraid your future with this man is not optimistic, unless he can completely turn himself around, and that is going to be very hard for him. Even so, there is the trust factor.... I wouldn't want to be with someone who had cheated on me, but it's up to you to decide what to do and what you will and will not tolerate.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Over how many years? How long should it take to figure out that this guy is not going to change for any reason. He doesn't want to. That's what it takes. And he, in spite of liver damage, DUIs, potential jail, he keeps drinking. I'm afraid his rock bottom with drinking will be the worst you can think of.

that's only dealing with the drinking alone, he's established that he speaks "I love you" with his mouth but everything about him is saying otherwise. He lies to you outright if he says he's "attracted" but doesn't want the other girl... I mean it's established that he's a cheater and a liar even before he had this affair and mind you it IS an affair, and although he says nothing physical happened (which I doubt is true anyway) it would still be an affair where he is gaining the attention of another woman, giving her things and lots of money, basically caring for her - she's a mistress. you have to be really reaching to believe nothing ever happened between them. Typical guys do not pay so much out to a woman they are merely "highly attracted" to. that's just .. I lack the words to describe how ludicrous that sounds.

walk away... this guy has been toying with cheating on you for a long time, and it's clear... now, that he is going to keep it going. if he says he loves you etc and tries to play that card that he doesn't want to leave you, as soon as you accept him back the cycle begins again, trust me.