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Old Dec 15, 2018, 05:11 PM
Anonymous43949
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Should I go to a holiday party that a toxic person has invited me to, just this one time, to avoid retaliation from her?

I have significantly distanced myself from her over time but family member told me if I decline 100 percent of her invitation (she tends to send out excessively), she may retaliate, so I should go once in a while.

I struggle with this advice for a couple of reasons:

1). It breaks consistency when I want her to let go completely of her expectations of me.

2). I have not been able to avoid (passive-aggressive) retaliations from her anyway, even when we were close. I could never please her, as when things didn't go 100 percent her way, she would hold it against me.

But the point my family member was trying to make was that the toxic person's behavior may escalate if I decline all of her invitations.

How can I not compromise or give in on my determination to continue distancing myself from her and stay safe?
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  #2  
Old Dec 15, 2018, 05:21 PM
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unaluna unaluna is online now
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No, YOU are correct - "it breaks consistency" is the correct logic.

Intermittent reinforcement - like what a person gets playing a slot machine at a casino? - is the strongest type. It keeps a person coming back for more, because there is always a chance. If you consistently stay away, the main thing is, wont it be better for you, personally? Thats what should count. Dont negotiate with terrorists / retaliators!
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  #3  
Old Dec 16, 2018, 11:29 AM
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eskielover eskielover is offline
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Quote:
But the point my family member was trying to make was that the toxic person's behavior may escalate if I decline all of her invitations
or she may finally give up is you are continually consistent with your "NO'S"

Would the escalation really be any worse than she is now? Really what would she do to you if you are keeping your distance? Just all the things to look at when making your choice.
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  #4  
Old Dec 16, 2018, 12:31 PM
Anonymous40643
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If the person retaliates is that the kind of person you want in your life at all anyways? Stick to your boundaries, I say.
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  #5  
Old Dec 16, 2018, 01:10 PM
Anonymous45521
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No. I find toxic people to take a mile if you give them an inch. Let this person know right now you will NOT be bullied.
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  #6  
Old Dec 16, 2018, 01:13 PM
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downandlonely downandlonely is offline
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Yeah, if you don't like her, you are under no obligation to spend time with her. Breaking off all contact is best. Maybe block her number and block her on social media too. And if you get an invitation, don't respond at all.
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  #7  
Old Dec 16, 2018, 01:21 PM
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amandalouise amandalouise is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
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I dont except or decline invitaitons based on retaliation. I do so based on if the event interests me, whether I have the time, finances and whether my wife and I an find sitters for the children. if I decide not to attend I am completely honest with the host of the event...

Im sorry i have other plans
Im sorry but Im just not interested in going to this kind of party right now. Im feeling a bit like I would like to stay at home and ....
Im sorry I am having problems finding a sitter, everyone seems to be out with their friends and family doing their christmas shopping and partying their selves.

by being completely honest the host sponsoring the event sees that my attendance is not a personal attack on them, which means they have no reason to retaliate by spreading rumors and such.

my suggestion is make your decision of whether you want to attend or not based on your own interests and such then be honest with the person with why you dont want to go.
  #8  
Old Dec 16, 2018, 02:11 PM
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MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is offline
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I think you're right about not going, ennie. I don't think anything is going to really change if you go, and you already know you don't like this person, so I don't think it makes sense for you to accept that invite. Wish you good luck!
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  #9  
Old Dec 17, 2018, 01:48 PM
Anonymous43949
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
No. I find toxic people to take a mile if you give them an inch. Let this person know right now you will NOT be bullied.
Exactly. She used to ask me to hang out with her even during the times I told her ahead of time that I am not available (i.e. expecting me to drop or reschedule my original plans for her). There are too many instances of an inch turning into a mile and I really can't afford to even give her an inch anymore.

Last edited by Anonymous43949; Dec 17, 2018 at 02:01 PM.
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