[SlumberKitty]

Hi all. So on Monday, a friend and I were going out of town. I had previously asked that friend if we could stop on the way home because an acquaintance had passed away and I needed to make an appearance at the viewing, but that it wouldn't take me long as I didn't know the person well--more just wanted to be supportive of the family. My friend said that was fine.

We went out of town and then on the way home it looked like we were going to get to the viewing early. My friend told me she did not want to wait for me to stop in at the viewing. So I called my Dad first who wasn't able to pick me up from the viewing. Then I called another friend. She wasn't driving herself, so I had to ask her if I could get a ride home with her ride. Her ride said that was fine.


We ended up getting to the viewing about 15 minutes before it started. My friend left me at the funeral home. I was upset that she wasn't willing to wait because I had asked her in advance if she would wait for me, but I was glad that I was going to have a ride from some other friends. It took the other friends a while to get to the viewing so I just waited and did a lot of standing around. But eventually I was able to get a ride back to my city with that group of friends, but only to my Church. Then from my Church I was able to get a ride to my car which was parked at the friend's house whom I had gone out of town with that day. The whole thing was frustrating because I inconvenienced a lot of people that day.


I can usually let stuff go, but I was pretty miffed that the first friend was no longer willing to wait for me when I had asked in advance if she would. After a couple of days, I emailed her and said I had a nice time going out of town etc. However, I would have appreciated knowing in advance that she wasn't willing to wait for me because I could have made other arrangements to begin with. Friend replied with, "yeah we really should have talked about that." Not sure what that means. I don't get a lot of social situations to begin with.


I feel like I give more in this relationship. I spend hours with her helping her prepare meals. I helped her put up her Christmas tree. I felt like her not being willing to wait a few minutes for me showed how little she respects me or cares about me. I'm having a hard time getting over this. I'm not sure if I am in the wrong. I know feelings are feelings. I will have a break from this friendship as we are not planning to get together until after Christmas. I did send another email with a nice quote just as a check in on Thursday, so it's not like I didn't have no other contact. I think I want to remain friends with this person, I just want the care to go both ways. By the way, she drove on Monday but I paid for parking and had offered to drive.


Am I reacting wrongly?

Kit.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Hi all. So on Monday, a friend and I were going out of town. I had previously asked that friend if we could stop on the way home because an acquaintance had passed away and I needed to make an appearance at the viewing, but that it wouldn't take me long as I didn't know the person well--more just wanted to be supportive of the family. My friend said that was fine.

We went out of town and then on the way home it looked like we were going to get to the viewing early. My friend told me she did not want to wait for me to stop in at the viewing. So I called my Dad first who wasn't able to pick me up from the viewing. Then I called another friend. She wasn't driving herself, so I had to ask her if I could get a ride home with her ride. Her ride said that was fine.


We ended up getting to the viewing about 15 minutes before it started. My friend left me at the funeral home. I was upset that she wasn't willing to wait because I had asked her in advance if she would wait for me, but I was glad that I was going to have a ride from some other friends. It took the other friends a while to get to the viewing so I just waited and did a lot of standing around. But eventually I was able to get a ride back to my city with that group of friends, but only to my Church. Then from my Church I was able to get a ride to my car which was parked at the friend's house whom I had gone out of town with that day. The whole thing was frustrating because I inconvenienced a lot of people that day.


I can usually let stuff go, but I was pretty miffed that the first friend was no longer willing to wait for me when I had asked in advance if she would. After a couple of days, I emailed her and said I had a nice time going out of town etc. However, I would have appreciated knowing in advance that she wasn't willing to wait for me because I could have made other arrangements to begin with. Friend replied with, "yeah we really should have talked about that." Not sure what that means. I don't get a lot of social situations to begin with.


I feel like I give more in this relationship. I spend hours with her helping her prepare meals. I helped her put up her Christmas tree. I felt like her not being willing to wait a few minutes for me showed how little she respects me or cares about me. I'm having a hard time getting over this. I'm not sure if I am in the wrong. I know feelings are feelings. I will have a break from this friendship as we are not planning to get together until after Christmas. I did send another email with a nice quote just as a check in on Thursday, so it's not like I didn't have no other contact. I think I want to remain friends with this person, I just want the care to go both ways. By the way, she drove on Monday but I paid for parking and had offered to drive.


Am I reacting wrongly?

Kit.

NO one can or should say whether your reaction is wrong but that it is what it is. I will offer a few thigns about the situation

I can say that it seems to me that the interpretation of things could be off here and a lack of communication between the two of you. first thing I noticed was that your friend added "yeah we should have talked more about this" I wonder about what? Is there something left out here that is not being said, was there more to the story related to the idea that she seemed willing to wait at first? did she actually say that or did you assume that her stopping there for you implied she would wait? I know that it may seem rather simple to answer but I think it's a critical question to ask yourself.

Another observation is that you stated that you had arrived earlier than expected and I'm wondering if that may be a factor as to part of why should wouldn't wait even if she may have before. waiting around for you to even be able to go to the viewing and then wait for you til you were done, perhaps it was the idea that it ws going to take longer than originally planned in her mind? Did assuming she would wait indefinitely for you no matter the amount of time end up being something that you haven't considered? I mean assuming she would wait for you even though you were early is kind of presumptuous too.

Again I dont' know all the other details of your relationship with this person so I don't know what may be playing into your interpretation of things but based solely on what you've said here, I think there are a few things to consider.

[Open Eyes]

Hi SlumberKitty, you are not wrong to feel the way you feel. Often when we want another person to care because we do, it can be disappointing to us when they don't. As we live our lives we learn that people can be selfish and they don't always know how to actually respect the needs of others. It's not always that they are intentionally trying to be mean or disrespectful either, it's more about how they simply don't know "how".

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

NO one can or should say whether your reaction is wrong but that it is what it is. I will offer a few thigns about the situation

I can say that it seems to me that the interpretation of things could be off here and a lack of communication between the two of you. first thing I noticed was that your friend added "yeah we should have talked more about this" I wonder about what? Is there something left out here that is not being said, was there more to the story related to the idea that she seemed willing to wait at first? did she actually say that or did you assume that her stopping there for you implied she would wait? I know that it may seem rather simple to answer but I think it's a critical question to ask yourself.

Another observation is that you stated that you had arrived earlier than expected and I'm wondering if that may be a factor as to part of why should wouldn't wait even if she may have before. waiting around for you to even be able to go to the viewing and then wait for you til you were done, perhaps it was the idea that it ws going to take longer than originally planned in her mind? Did assuming she would wait indefinitely for you no matter the amount of time end up being something that you haven't considered? I mean assuming she would wait for you even though you were early is kind of presumptuous too.

Again I dont' know all the other details of your relationship with this person so I don't know what may be playing into your interpretation of things but based solely on what you've said here, I think there are a few things to consider.

Thanks. When I had asked originally on email if she would be willing to wait for me, she said yes. However, there was no discussion of how long she would be willing to wait. And that may have been what we needed to talk more about. As it turned out, even though we were 15 minutes early, the viewing was already going on, so the wait would have been maybe 15 minutes total. I do know this friend is not a good "wait-er"--she doesn't like to wait. I was surprised she had originally said she was willing to wait. But I took her at her word. Bottom line is that we should have discussed more than a yes/no answer it seems like, and I know now, not to count on this friend when it involves inconveniencing her. I can still be friends with her knowing that, it just means that to protect myself, I can't equate care with her waiting, because its not going to happen. I still feel like I give more in the relationship and that's something that I need to figure out how much I am willing to give. Kit

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hi SlumberKitty, you are not wrong to feel the way you feel. Often when we want another person to care because we do, it can be disappointing to us when they don't. As we live our lives we learn that people can be selfish and they don't always know how to actually respect the needs of others. It's not always that they are intentionally trying to be mean or disrespectful either, it's more about how they simply don't know "how".

Thank you. I know I can't make anyone care or act in the same way that I would have acted towards them. Caring about someone often requires overlooking their flaws and inconsistencies. It was disappointing though. I'm learning to live with that disappointment. Kit.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, SlumberKitty I can understand you feeling hurt. However, at the very least she seems to be acknowledging her behavior, given what she wrote. Perhaps you should try to discuss this with her, face to face and peacefully, if it bothers you that much. Hopefully she'll listen. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[SlumberKitty]

Thanks MickeyCheeky!

[saidso]

Okay, my gut feeling is - this is not a friendly way to behave and there is something out of whack in the friendship, if it's a friendship. Acquaintanceship maybe. But even an acquaintance might have thought about how you were going to pick up your car outside her house.

My experience is that some people don't give much, and some people don't give much at certain times in their lives when they are preoccupied with other stuff. Confronting them doesn't help - just my experience.

If you like her company for other reasons, fine. Just be honest with yourself that she isn't giving much: have a chat with yourself inside about where you want to set your boundaries and act on that .

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Thanks. When I had asked originally on email if she would be willing to wait for me, she said yes. However, there was no discussion of how long she would be willing to wait. And that may have been what we needed to talk more about. As it turned out, even though we were 15 minutes early, the viewing was already going on, so the wait would have been maybe 15 minutes total. I do know this friend is not a good "wait-er"--she doesn't like to wait. I was surprised she had originally said she was willing to wait. But I took her at her word. Bottom line is that we should have discussed more than a yes/no answer it seems like, and I know now, not to count on this friend when it involves inconveniencing her. I can still be friends with her knowing that, it just means that to protect myself, I can't equate care with her waiting, because its not going to happen. I still feel like I give more in the relationship and that's something that I need to figure out how much I am willing to give. Kit

a couple things I would say. Good assessment you made there, not to rely on her for things that would require something like this. But depending on how the rest of the friendship is, that is what would determine whether or not there is significance to this particular tendency of hers. For some people we can overlook their quirks and behaviors if everything else they are to us matters more. In this case it sounds like she doesn't contribute as much as you would like to the relationship so perhaps in the grand scheme of things it's not a relationship to keep investing too much into.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by saidso

Okay, my gut feeling is - this is not a friendly way to behave and there is something out of whack in the friendship, if it's a friendship. Acquaintanceship maybe. But even an acquaintance might have thought about how you were going to pick up your car outside her house.

My experience is that some people don't give much, and some people don't give much at certain times in their lives when they are preoccupied with other stuff. Confronting them doesn't help - just my experience.

If you like her company for other reasons, fine. Just be honest with yourself that she isn't giving much: have a chat with yourself inside about where you want to set your boundaries and act on that .

Thank you saidso. I think you hit the nail on the head. I think I've been feeling like the friendship is "out of whack" for a while now, and this sort of solidified that for me. I need to have a long talk with myself about what to expect from this friend/friendship and how much to continue contributing. I don't necessarily want to stop being friends but I think perhaps reordering priorities may be what is needed. Thank you for your response. Kit

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

a couple things I would say. Good assessment you made there, not to rely on her for things that would require something like this. But depending on how the rest of the friendship is, that is what would determine whether or not there is significance to this particular tendency of hers. For some people we can overlook their quirks and behaviors if everything else they are to us matters more. In this case it sounds like she doesn't contribute as much as you would like to the relationship so perhaps in the grand scheme of things it's not a relationship to keep investing too much into.

Thank you s4ndm4n2006, you gave me some things to think about, in how I want to proceed. Kit.

[saidso]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Thank you saidso. I think you hit the nail on the head. I think I've been feeling like the friendship is "out of whack" for a while now, and this sort of solidified that for me. I need to have a long talk with myself about what to expect from this friend/friendship and how much to continue contributing. I don't necessarily want to stop being friends but I think perhaps reordering priorities may be what is needed. Thank you for your response. Kit

I would also need to have a chat with myself inside about what was fun, and how it feels to acknowledge the fun we had and yet move our hopes and attachment to other people. There is a little kid inside me who gets very sad about this stuff. I didn't have any support making friends in my family of origin, and only just now I experienced a supportive friend helping me to recontact another friend who had dropped me, at the same time as I am moving out to other people. My inner kid still feels sad but able to use the good experiences we had to keep looking, if you get me?

[divine1966]

If your car was at her house, leaving you at a funeral home was very rude. I doubt it’s actually close friendship. Friends don’t do that

[saidso]

Actually "friends" do some things worse than acquaintances. Friendship can lead to explosions of need and rejection. Friends make demands, give too much, pull me away from my own true path and then I lash out or hide in my cave. Friends challenge each other's boundaries.

Ideally we would all only befriend people who are more mature than us and/ or when we are already mature ourselves. Actually lots of us are still making mistakes and learning from them.

Right now I'm starting to talk to myself more about the ebbs and flows of friendship. I notice that people who had good childhoods build circles of friends that support each other through the distortions and ups and downs of it all. I notice that friendship is fun - but having people in my life means balancing my own challenges with their distractions and demands. Sometimes I have to be alone to force myself take the next onward step.

I start to notice, especially at Xmas, that we have all sorts of schemas in the mind about aloneness and friendship that correspond more to the idealised world of therapy than to reality. Until I grow into a stronger person, reality will go on being imperfect, but layer by layer I gather some skills.

If a friend angers me and we can't spontaneously talk about that, then I would consider it to be a sign that the friendship is waning for the time being. Especially if that put me in a bad situation with other people. But in a supportive group I would think about how I am learning about myself and other people: the learning stays inside me?

It's the scared, hurt, confused child in me that thinks that I'm dependent on the good graces of other people. The adult observes: "ack, other people are hard work perhaps for a while I need time out". Lol, lol, lol.

I am learning about my self, how much work it is to share myself responsibly with others - and sometimes how nice it is to be lazy.

Gosh, I'm Gabby this evening. perhaps time to risk starting my own, first thread!!!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Hi all. So on Monday, a friend and I were going out of town. I had previously asked that friend if we could stop on the way home because an acquaintance had passed away and I needed to make an appearance at the viewing, but that it wouldn't take me long as I didn't know the person well--more just wanted to be supportive of the family. My friend said that was fine.

We went out of town and then on the way home it looked like we were going to get to the viewing early. My friend told me she did not want to wait for me to stop in at the viewing. So I called my Dad first who wasn't able to pick me up from the viewing. Then I called another friend. She wasn't driving herself, so I had to ask her if I could get a ride home with her ride. Her ride said that was fine.


We ended up getting to the viewing about 15 minutes before it started. My friend left me at the funeral home. I was upset that she wasn't willing to wait because I had asked her in advance if she would wait for me, but I was glad that I was going to have a ride from some other friends. It took the other friends a while to get to the viewing so I just waited and did a lot of standing around. But eventually I was able to get a ride back to my city with that group of friends, but only to my Church. Then from my Church I was able to get a ride to my car which was parked at the friend's house whom I had gone out of town with that day. The whole thing was frustrating because I inconvenienced a lot of people that day.


I can usually let stuff go, but I was pretty miffed that the first friend was no longer willing to wait for me when I had asked in advance if she would. After a couple of days, I emailed her and said I had a nice time going out of town etc. However, I would have appreciated knowing in advance that she wasn't willing to wait for me because I could have made other arrangements to begin with. Friend replied with, "yeah we really should have talked about that." Not sure what that means. I don't get a lot of social situations to begin with.


I feel like I give more in this relationship. I spend hours with her helping her prepare meals. I helped her put up her Christmas tree. I felt like her not being willing to wait a few minutes for me showed how little she respects me or cares about me. I'm having a hard time getting over this. I'm not sure if I am in the wrong. I know feelings are feelings. I will have a break from this friendship as we are not planning to get together until after Christmas. I did send another email with a nice quote just as a check in on Thursday, so it's not like I didn't have no other contact. I think I want to remain friends with this person, I just want the care to go both ways. By the way, she drove on Monday but I paid for parking and had offered to drive.


Am I reacting wrongly?

Kit.

No! I think you in the right to feel this way. If she knew that she was driving you than she should have known that you would need a ride home. It sound like she is using you and don't really care about your feeling.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hi SlumberKitty, you are not wrong to feel the way you feel. Often when we want another person to care because we do, it can be disappointing to us when they don't. As we live our lives we learn that people can be selfish and they don't always know how to actually respect the needs of others. It's not always that they are intentionally trying to be mean or disrespectful either, it's more about how they simply don't know "how".

That is great advice!

[Bill3]

A good friend would have waited.

[eskielover]

I am also curious if this friend knows how to say "NO" when she really doesn't want to do something.

Ugh I lived with a H like that for 33 years. He would say he would do something & when it came right down to doing it....if he didn't want to he wouldn't after saying yes.

It is irritating.

After seeing this in your friend & all the things you have said yes to & done for her.....I would re-evaluate the things I say yes to & just not do as much with her any more.

My yes's never have expectations of the other person(s) attached to them....but I am blessed because my close friends give more than I could ever possibly give back so any time they ask I do say yes because I appreciate so much all they give of themselves to me. Maybe she takes for grsnted the things you do for her. Maybe she doesn't really appreciate what you do or maybe she just considerd that your doing things WITH her is just spending time together.

Anyway you look at it, it sounds like some re-evaluation time of the amount of time & activities YOU CHOOSE to do with her.....doesn't mean you give up the friendship just make it more functional for you & if you do end up in a situation like this always discuss ALL of the "if-then-elses" that could possibly be involved & don't leave them up to chance or assumption. Sometimes we learn a lot on how to better handle things ourselves from situations like this. I have had many situations that I have just written off as a learning experience for me.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Thanks. When I had asked originally on email if she would be willing to wait for me, she said yes. However, there was no discussion of how long she would be willing to wait. And that may have been what we needed to talk more about. As it turned out, even though we were 15 minutes early, the viewing was already going on, so the wait would have been maybe 15 minutes total. I do know this friend is not a good "wait-er"--she doesn't like to wait. I was surprised she had originally said she was willing to wait. But I took her at her word. Bottom line is that we should have discussed more than a yes/no answer it seems like, and I know now, not to count on this friend when it involves inconveniencing her. I can still be friends with her knowing that, it just means that to protect myself, I can't equate care with her waiting, because its not going to happen. I still feel like I give more in the relationship and that's something that I need to figure out how much I am willing to give. Kit

That sounds like a good idea. Now that you what to expect from this friend.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Bill3

A good friend would have waited.

I agree! A good friend would have waited.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Thank you. I know I can't make anyone care or act in the same way that I would have acted towards them. Caring about someone often requires overlooking their flaws and inconsistencies. It was disappointing though. I'm learning to live with that disappointment. Kit.

That is great advice!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by saidso

Okay, my gut feeling is - this is not a friendly way to behave and there is something out of whack in the friendship, if it's a friendship. Acquaintanceship maybe. But even an acquaintance might have thought about how you were going to pick up your car outside her house.

My experience is that some people don't give much, and some people don't give much at certain times in their lives when they are preoccupied with other stuff. Confronting them doesn't help - just my experience.

If you like her company for other reasons, fine. Just be honest with yourself that she isn't giving much: have a chat with yourself inside about where you want to set your boundaries and act on that .

That is great advice!I wish that I had thought about that myself!

[unaluna]

It was fifteen minutes, not an hour. And it was a funeral.

If she "needs to talk more about that" or whatever she said, it better be to give you a gigantic apology.