[shyBoldgirl88]

Hi there! So I guess I'm looking for some advice since I don't have many people to ask.

My life had been on a downward spiral since my dad died 5 years ago. Long story short after an 11 year relationship ended I was single for about 6 months and then came across my current boyfriend. We will be together 3 years in April and I feel like we have a great connection...but with MAJOR issues. Sometimes I think I'm holding on because I have no family or friends really. I guess I want to get advice on if this issues are relevant or am just being selfish.

He has never told me he loves me. I try not to let it get to me...as I believe love is more of an action than a word BUT it is nice to hear. He recently told me that he associates "I love you" with being trapped due his past bad relationships...I'm thinking that is a commitment issue?? Then there's the intimacy issue...It use to be amazing. Holding each other and talking about our dreams...now...nothing. He goes to sleep at the drop of a dime and the only time I get him to even put his arm around me is when I get pissed. I've tried to talk to him about it and the only thing thing I have got from him is he depressed or aggitated. I try to help him...talk to him...anything I can do to make him feel better...but the same thing. It's like he doesn't care and nothing matters.

This is EXTREMELY hard for me. Because I feel like I'm barely keeping myself together sometimes and I get NO support from him. I feel like I'm holding up 2 people on my own. Should I not give up on him or leave and try to make myself better?? Just one of the many questions I'm faced with...

[Bill3]

You are not "just being selfish".

I believe love is more of an action than a word BUT it is nice to hear.

How loving is he in his actions?

How willing is he to address his issues of depression or agitation?

[healingme4me]

Touch and emotional intimacy and connection are very important and valid needs for many. It's difficult to dismiss those needs. If he's unwilling to meet you halfway, those unmet needs will fester and grow into resentment.

[Skeezyks]

Here are links to 7 articles, from PC's archives, that may be of some help (the first by DocJohn.) Some of these deal with marital relationships & I know you're not married. But hopefully the concepts discussed can be applicable to your situation as well:

What is Commitment Phobia & Relationship Anxiety?

Are You Trapped & Unhappy in Your Relationship?

Loneliness within a Marriage

6 Ways to Regroup and Reconnect With Your Partner

Don't Give Up When He (Or She) Won't Open Up | Building Relationship Skills

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-...dium=popular17

[MickeyCheeky]

You're not being selfish at all, shyBoldgirl88. Your concerns are very valid and I think this is something that needs to be discussed with him. Communication is very important in a relationship and the fact that he refuses to talk with you is already a major red flag... I think you should try to give him one last chance to listen to you and talk about this. Otherwise, I think you may want to reconsider this relationship. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Please don't give up. I hope you'll feel better soon. Sending many hugs to you

Hello ShyBoldGirl,

well done you for being open and reaching out on PC! You don't sound "selfish" and your description sounds as though your relationship is facing significant issues which need to be addressed.

It struck me when you said you feel as though you are holding two people up. I don't think that's tenable; not in the long-term anyway.

I think for a healthy relationship, both parties need to consider: the YOU, the ME, and the WE. Sounds like part of the problem is your significant other's problems with himself as well as his possible lack of attention to the WE of the relationship. I would not presume to guide you to stay or go. There isn't enough info here and I am not an expert. I would encourage you to seek couples therapy to address the relationship problems with him. If he is not willing to go to therapy, then you would have another piece of info to add to the puzzle. By the way, stonewalling is a risk factor for relationship breakdown...because how can you develop solutions if your other half is not willing to talk/work on them with you?

Something I've have learned the hard way in relationships and find it to be so important:
"we cannot look to others to create our happiness, nor can we create happiness for others...we can develop our own happiness and share it with others"

I don't know if that helps you but I wish you peace and enlightenment.

Let me ask you: what positives are you getting out of this relationship? I know the feeling and experience of holding onto a relationship because you're afraid to be alone, or because you have no one else right now around you. But a loveless relationship is no relationship at all. Why hold on? Better to face loneliness alone than within a relationship.

[Travelinglady]

In short, it seems like the answer to your question is "yes."

[divine1966]

Yup. Time to move on. You can do it, don’t waste another day on this relationship

[sarahsweets]

I know a lot of people will say that you don't need to hear that someone loves you as long as they act like it but I disagree. I think its very important to hear that affirmation.q