[Overcoimgthis]

What do you think of these statements?

Makes sense...thought-provoking and worth pondering about.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I don't think it is an absolute, but I do think it is proportional. Here's what I mean: I've had a long marriage. I have three great sons. I have always loved them and been a good spouse and mother. However, I spent most of my life dealing with low self-concept and severe depression that left me suicidal and very closed off emotionally. In the last 5 years, my mental health has greatly improved. I'm stable and more content. Depression is gone. Confidence and self-respect are pretty solid now. I KNOW I am a better spouse and mother and friend now than I was previously simply because I am more emotionally available to give more positive support and am more out of my own head and more open to others than I was previously.

So, it wasn't that I was completely unable to love and support others previously, but I do think I was not at my full potential and fell very short in many ways by comparison to where I am now. I wish things had been different for me sooner; I think many years were lost due to those issues that limited my ability to be open and content and truly all in for the loved ones in my life. But it is what it is. I can't change the past and I don't engage in guilt trips or self-flagellation over the past. I wasn't well and I had a great deal to learn about myself and living back then.

[MickeyCheeky]

I do believe you're right, Overcoimgthis. We can only learn to fully love each other only when we accept and forgive ourselves. I believe that's very important, although it's not easy. But I think it's important to try. Thank you for making this thread. Sending many hugs to everyone

[lonelynotalone]

I think sometimes it's a case of people loving and respecting themselves when they see/feel other people loving and respecting them.

[Overcoimgthis]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I don't think it is an absolute, but I do think it is proportional. Here's what I mean: I've had a long marriage. I have three great sons. I have always loved them and been a good spouse and mother. However, I spent most of my life dealing with low self-concept and severe depression that left me suicidal and very closed off emotionally. In the last 5 years, my mental health has greatly improved. I'm stable and more content. Depression is gone. Confidence and self-respect are pretty solid now. I KNOW I am a better spouse and mother and friend now than I was previously simply because I am more emotionally available to give more positive support and am more out of my own head and more open to others than I was previously.

So, it wasn't that I was completely unable to love and support others previously, but I do think I was not at my full potential and fell very short in many ways by comparison to where I am now. I wish things had been different for me sooner; I think many years were lost due to those issues that limited my ability to be open and content and truly all in for the loved ones in my life. But it is what it is. I can't change the past and I don't engage in guilt trips or self-flagellation over the past. I wasn't well and I had a great deal to learn about myself and living back then.

Thank you for sharing that with us. You have no idea how much my life is like yours in many ways.

[Overcoimgthis]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I do believe you're right, Overcoimgthis. We can only learn to fully love each other only when we accept and forgive ourselves. I believe that's very important, although it's not easy. But I think it's important to try. Thank you for making this thread. Sending many hugs to everyone

Your so welcome. I just know so many well meaning people use this statement and I wonder if they ever think of the imprint it leaves on the one being spoken to.

[Overcoimgthis]

Originally Posted by lonelynotalone

I think sometimes it's a case of people loving and respecting themselves when they see/feel other people loving and respecting them.

Thank you for sharing that! I do believe those we have around us and the model they provide does play into it, as well as the model our lives show impact those around us.

[Bill3]

Some people are overly concerned and loving and accepting of others.

They truly love, accept, and respect others, but they neglect or ignore or look down on their own selves. They encourage others but doubt or reject themselves. They are highly successful at helping others, yet they think and speak about themselves as failures.

They would never treat another person the way they treat themselves.

One might even say that they love, accept, and respect everyone except themselves.

[Overcoimgthis]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Some people are overly concerned and loving and accepting of others.

They truly love, accept, and respect others, but they neglect or ignore or look down on their own selves. They encourage others but doubt or reject themselves. They are highly successful at helping others, yet they think and speak about themselves as failures.

They would never treat another person the way they treat themselves.

One might even say that they love, accept, and respect everyone except themselves.

Oh my goodness, yes!

[s4ndm4n2006]

I think there is a general truth to it but the statement is rather simplistic. Thing is yes, I think that if you don't think much of yourself your ability to give to others in any form is hindered. In the case of martyr or overly sacrificial person I feel that what they do for others is not genuine. Due to their own lack of self esteem or self respect I think that on some level they are being generous to others but there is a good chance that a large portion of this generosity and uplifting of others is based on a skewed view and may be mostly obligatory than self sacrificing.

On a certain level in order to truly care and love others -- and all the other things, there is a healthy amount of self sacrifice that is needed but in the case where it is skewed, and the person truly feels less than or lower than others, this is far from a healthy self sacrifice but one that comes from the motivation of obligation, or sometimes neediness by way of thinking in order to get what they need from others they have to do these things.

Also it's worth mentioning that it's a matter of interpretation also. Is this a person that really looks down on themselves in comparison to others or are they just humble? Fine line between the two and really can be interpreted differently by different people.

In summary, yes it is true but there is much more to be said about the subject than just that one line and it's something of a subject that has been studied and pondered for eons.

[Blogwriter]

Dear overcoimgthis,

I don't agree with "fake it until you make it." I went into my marriage with low self-esteem and low respect for myself. Thanks to joining CoDA, I learned to love myself and to respect myself. I was able to give to others, but I was focusing on other people's needs instead of my own. With help of a therapist or a support group, it is possible to learn to love yourself. In my situation, having a relationship with a Higher Power also helps.

[sarahsweets]

If your personal "cup" is empty you cant fill anyone else's cup.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

If your personal "cup" is empty you cant fill anyone else's cup.

I like this one very much!

The can't love another until you love yourself expression usually rubs me the wrong way.