When someone seems confused about what they want

Has anyone ever known anyone who just seemed confused about what they want in terms of hanging out with someone? I've known people in the past who at first seems okay with hanging out a lot but then will say it is too much and even a bit clingy but then go back to their old ways or hang out with someone else a lot despite saying it is too much. And even now, I have a friend that goes back and forth with that.

Goes through phases of wanting to hang out multiple times a week, no biggie. Then there will be a time where she will even say hanging out twice a week is just too much. Now she is in a phase where she wants to hang out up to five or even recently, six times in one week. When people do that, is that a sign that they don't know what they want or could it also signify that they may have a depressive disorder that causes the up and downs.

I don't care either way, we could hang out multiple times a week or just once a week. I just find it confusing when someone likes to hang out 3-6 times a week at one point but then says that is too much, only to want to hang out a lot again. I knew one other person who at first was okay with hanging out a lot with me, but then says hanging out that much makes it appear clingy, yet that person was okay with hanging out with someone else just as much, if not more. Just wondered what causes some people to go back and forth on their views like that.

I learned from dealing with people like that is to not get too close to them. You can still hang out with them but it is best to keep them at arms length. What are your thoughts on why some people may do that? Could it be a form of control? Could it just be the result of not knowing what they want or even having some unknown issues? I know the answer may not be clear or it could vary from person to person. I feel like that kind of behavior is not exactly normal so that is why I believe either the person has issues that they have to deal with, or they don't know what they want, or even just want some form of control. Going from wanting to hang out a lot, to saying hanging out a lot is too much, then going back to wanting to hang out a lot, to me is a bit weird and indicates something is wrong. Just wondered what you guys thought.

Maybe she has a significant other and when things are well with him, she doesn't want you and when things are not well with him, she needs you. I had a friend like that, where when she was happy with her boyfriend, she forgot all about me. But then when he was cold and not giving her attention, she became very needy with me.

Whatever her reason may be, if the relationship is confusing for you, then I agree with you that you should not be close to her. You can downgrade that friendship to the level of casual acquaintance, and commit to maintaining that level so there is no up or down.

Sounds like a fairweather friend.

I have had friends like that too, but there is no way for me to tell what people like that are thinking.

If she changes her mind about wanting to hang out, it's possible that sometimes she is depressed and doesn't want to be around anyone. But there is no way for me to read her mind.

I agree. Even though she claims she never did, it is possible that maybe she has had a significant other but doesn’t want to admit it. I know some people can be like that especially if the relationship turned sour and they want to pretend their ex never existed and pretend they never dated. It is also possible she could have some depressive disorder. Yeah like you mentioned, it can be confusing. Sorry your friend acted that way towards you.

In a way, yeah.

Yeah the way she is, and anyone else who acts that way and if they are not in a relationship, then yeah it could indicate some form of depression even if they deny it.

Hi Rdgrad,

This relationship sounds confusing. I would keep her at arm's length or maybe even seek companionship from someone else.

Yeah she seems like someone who may also be purposely doing it to keep others at arms lenth while still maintaining a friendship. Yeah I wish I could find a way to make more friends since even though she can be a good friend when we do hang out, I do worry that one day she will stop hanging out with me. She may not feel too close to me even though she says I’m her best friend. She could revert back to her okd ways where I barely heard from her and barely hung out. Would go weeks to months without hearing from her or seeing her and ironically, back then her behavior was actually more predictable than it is now.

Hi RDGrad,

I don't know of any best friends who would avoid that friend for several days at a time unless there is some kind of emotional problem. The relationship still sounds confusing to me.

I totally agree. She probably does have emotional problems since she has ADHD. It is no excuse but I learned that people with ADHD tend to have emotional problems and are more likely to be on and off with people when it comes to dealing woth problems. Not an excuse for poor behavior though.

That's also possible. But if someone has a mental illness, she is responsible for getting a professional help. A friend could only accommodate to a certain extent.

Yep totally agree with you. If she has something, like depression, which is possible on top of her ADHD then she needs to get help. I hear that people with ADHD usually suffer from depressiom and anxiety too so if that is the case then she needs to accept her illness and get help. If it is not another mental illness then she just may not really care about maintaining friendships or at least keeps them at arms length. In a way, I am the same way, I don’t allow people to get too close quickly. But I would never go back and forth between wanting to be with them multiple times a week to practically ghosting them and then back again. That is just rude in my opinion.