[Kilolea]

Hello,
It was my birthday recently, and I met some friends to celebrate it. A few weeks ago, I noticed a friend of mine tried to know what I would like to be gifted. I told him I was interested in learning Japanese and that I didn't start yet because I couldn't find a good resource. I also went to a bookstore one day with all my friends, and I saw a nice Japanese book but I couldn't afford it, so everyone knew what I wanted.

Now, I have this friend of mine which has been acting strange since we had a fight a year ago, but we reconciled instantly. Our fight was caused by a misunderstanding, so I forgave him, but he still seems to be resentful.

When it was his birthday, I gifted him a Star Wars cup because he loves the Star Wars series. We were good friends and we know each other very well, so couldn't I help thinking that he would gift me that Japanese book. But I was wrong. He gifted me a Chinese book instead titled "How to speak Chinese in 15 days". And his dedication says: "<my name>, if you're able to speak Chinese in 15 days, I'll buy you a Japanese dictionary, OK?"

What do you think? Did he intentionally gifted me that book in order to tease me? The book is still available. In fact, I could finally buy it. I seriously don't know what to think.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Kilolea

Hello,
It was my birthday recently, and I met some friends to celebrate it. A few weeks ago, I noticed a friend of mine tried to know what I would like to be gifted. I told him I was interested in learning Japanese and that I didn't start yet because I couldn't find a good resource. I also went to a bookstore one day with all my friends, and I saw a nice Japanese book but I couldn't afford it, so everyone knew what I wanted.

Now, I have this friend of mine which has been acting strange since we had a fight a year ago, but we reconciled instantly. Our fight was caused by a misunderstanding, so I forgave him, but he still seems to be resentful.

When it was his birthday, I gifted him a Star Wars cup because he loves the Star Wars series. We were good friends and we know each other very well, so couldn't I help thinking that he would gift me that Japanese book. But I was wrong. He gifted me a Chinese book instead titled "How to speak Chinese in 15 days". And his dedication says: "<my name>, if you're able to speak Chinese in 15 days, I'll buy you a Japanese dictionary, OK?"

What do you think? Did he intentionally gifted me that book in order to tease me? The book is still available. In fact, I could finally buy it. I seriously don't know what to think.

he's an ***, not a friend. Who mocks someone by giving them the wrong book with a joke like that in the cover? In none of my friends views would this even be remotely funny and seems more to be some kind of a weird way of giving you the proverbial finger.

You think he's still resentful? Pfft, he definitely does not respect you, so I would say likely this is good evidence he is.

furthermore. I have respect for someone that has resentment and admits it. I have respect for someone that is able to forgive and reconcile with a friend also. What I do not have respect for is for those that pretend to reconcile with a friend only to use that connection to seek vengeance or whatever it is this guy is doing to you.

No need to keep this friend. He's clearly not worth it.

[Blogwriter]

Hi Kilolea,

That sounds like a strange gift and message. Were you interested in learning Chinese at one point? Maybe he is under the impression the two languages were similar. It sounds like your friend could be playing a practical joke.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Blogwriter

Hi Kilolea,

That sounds like a strange gift and message. Were you interested in learning Chinese at one point? Maybe he is under the impression the two languages were similar. It sounds like your friend could be playing a practical joke.

I disagree and take it less lightly than you imply here. The fact he wrote in it that if she can "learn Chinese in 15 days and I'll get you the Japanese book" says clearly he knew exactly what he was doing and it's not really even a joke that does anything but attempts to tear down the other person. I doubt she even ever wanted to learn Chinese and considering the two languages are vastly different and cultures just as far apart, it makes no sense.

[Ella68]

Maybe he couldn't afford that particular book either. The scenario you describe really just comes across as a very bad joke. The reference to buying something doesn't even refer back to the original book you wanted but instead a Japanese dictionary that is probably less expensive. I wouldn't remain upset. This person is your friend and the incident a faux pas not worth griping over.

[QUOTE=Kilolea;6386829]

Hello Kilolea. Happy belated birthday! That was a bit of an odd gift to receive. It is very hard to say what your friend's intention was...I always like to remind myself that I cannot know what is in another person's mind or heart...I cannot read minds just as people cannot read my mind...so communication is very important. Gifts can go either way. I've received plenty of gifts down the years which were quite odd but my policy is to always pretend that I liked what I received since someone spent time and money to give me something. I don't take gifts seriously, if that makes sense.

I would encourage you to put the gift issue aside for the moment. Instead, I am curious about why you feel there is some lingering resentment from your friend about that disagreement from a while ago? Is this only because you didn't like the gift or something else? I would not dwell on the gift or rationale for it. What is leading you to feel that way? Just a vibe? Comments? Change in how often you see each other?

I know it is awkward and uncomfortable to address such an issue with a friend but I think it is important here provided this issue is not just about the gift. Try calmly asking something like: "Hey I'd just like to check in. Sometimes lately I feel as though you might have something on your mind. Anything you'd like to chat about? I'd like to hear about it...maybe I can help?" If your friend says "no, not at all, no problem" then just say okay and leave it there. Then if other odd things happen, if he makes passive-aggressive comments or something...gently and calmly ask: "So when you make a comment like that, it feels like maybe you're trying to tell me something, could you be more direct?"

I don't know you or your friend but I always like to look at both sides in a relationship and give people the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't make an issue of the gift. The real issue is how you interact with each other...possible resentment from your friend. May I ask what it "the fight a year ago" was about?

Ella and Blogwriter made some good points about a possible practical joke or a faux pas. Humor is so unique, right? Sometimes what one person thinks is a fun joke is not funny at all to another person. You said you can afford the book now...go ahead and get it for yourself and start learning a new language. How fun! Good luck

[s4ndm4n2006]

Maybe he couldn't afford that particular book either. The scenario you describe really just comes across as a very bad joke. The reference to buying something doesn't even refer back to the original book you wanted but instead a Japanese dictionary that is probably less expensive. I wouldn't remain upset. This person is your friend and the incident a faux pas not worth griping over.

This could be a valid point, though I would contend that if I genuinely was not able to afford a certain gift for someone that I truly felt was a friend my response (and pretty much the people I know anyway as friend) would not be to give something to someone as a blatant joke that was not only in bad taste was bordering on insulting. But that's just my experience, at best it was a really bad choice. Who practical jokes their friend on their birthday - except for people that typically have a tradition of doing so? the way it caught her off guard it seems to imply that it is not the typical behavior she expects from friends implying this is not normal behavior at all.

It could be, giving the benefit of the doubt, as simple as a faux pas but put it in context of her statement, I would need more clarification on the following to actually write this off as nothing more than an innocent joke:

Now, I have this friend of mine which has been acting strange since we had a fight a year ago, but we reconciled instantly. Our fight was caused by a misunderstanding, so I forgave him, but he still seems to be resentful.

I'm curious in context of all of this @OP what you mean by his strange behavior, and what makes you think he still seems resentful?

In a nutshell because of that, I am leaning toward thinking this was a passive aggressive insult veiled as a "joke".

[Bill3]

You can learn Japanese for free at Duolingo

(I think it was a nasty gift)

Either the gift came with an ill-intention, or he has some serious issues.

Whatever the cause may be, there is your red or yellow flag of his unhealthy behavior.

[healingme4me]

Without a doubt regarding duolingo! My son is using that for his Spanish lessons, I'm taken aback by the finer details of language that he has picked up on so quickly. It's interactive as well. So it's a positive reinforcement and there's an on the spot ability to have your pronunciation checked and corrected.

I'd probably leave this person high and dry and out of my life if they did this to me, but that's me.

Originally Posted by Bill3

You can learn Japanese for free at Duolingo

(I think it was a nasty gift)