Our Love Languages are Different

So I recently started spending time with someone who has been interested in my for years that I finally decided to give a chance.

So far, things have been going . . . OK. He's a SUPER nice guy -- very different from the jerks I usually date, but he is quite the introvert. I also fall on the introvert spectrum, but he's SUPER quiet.

He will answer any questions I have... very profoundly, but it's rare that he'll come back with "What about you," or "Tell me..."

Interestingly, on one of the rare occasions where I got more than 10 words out of him, he shared that he knows his love language is physical touch. This prompted me to take the quiz, and mine came up as Quality Time being my primary love language.

Here's the thing... quality time, for me, involves TALKING and he's not much of a talker...at all. He's very cerebral and introspective (as am I), but he keeps those thoughts to himself.

He's truly the nicest guy I've encountered in a LONG time, but our communication keeps falling flat. How can we reach some type of middle ground. How can you get to know someone if they don't TALK?

EXAMPLE: I thought it was just ME, but over the weekend, I was able to witness him interacting with his very talkative, outspoken family (mother, sister, niece). True to introvert form, he ended up in the corner flipping channels in the midst of all the chaos.

hey may be a nice guy and literally great in every way but hey may still not be the great guy for you. I mean a talker with someone that is not as verbal and expressive that way is just going to cause a lot of future stress for both of you. You cannot truly ever be hapy with someone unless you accept them for how they are. Nothing is likely to change in his demeanor.

I say be friends with this guy but who knows.. maybe after a bit longer you'll find a groove you both fit into.

Hi ZenZeta,

I am sorry to hear about your desire for a man that talks a lot. He seems to prefer peace and quiet. Is there a possibility you can do things together that don't involve talking a lot such as playing a Monopoly game or watching a movie together? My current husband was very quiet when we first met. When he learned I was safe, he started talking more. Maybe that will happen with him, too. I don't know, because I cannot predict the future. Sometimes what we think of as being the perfect man is not actually right for us. For instance, I wanted a man who was a good dancer. He doesn't particularly enjoy dancing, but he enjoys watching me dance to music.

He sounds like me

I read the Five Love Languages and thought it was a great book. Hubby and I have completely different love languages. The good thing about a healthy relationship is that you’re both interested in each other’s love language because you want to make each other happy. I suggest you read the book and you will feel a lot better about this. No two people are going to be exactly alike and the more you learn to adapt and adjust in relationships, the healthier person you become... in my own opinion of course. I say give this nice guy a chance.

Hmm... I tend to think that one person who likes to communicate will not do so well with one who does not. How does that work? One does all the talking while the other sits more quietly? Or retreats? I agree with one of the posters above. As nice as he is, he may not be that compatible with you in one important way.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel... yet, but I do understand that you can't make two puzzle pieces fit together that don't.

Last night during my interrogation (oops, I meant our conversation), I asked him what he thought was a barrier to relationships with him, and he ADMITTED that his quiet nature has caused issues in the past...so he's aware.

I waited for him to say... "what about you..." never happened.

As for doing "quiet" stuff together, I'm not opposed to that as we get to know each other, but I feel like I don't really know anything about him. At first I thought he was just being evasive or wasn't interested in getting to know me, but I don't think that's the case.

I did share with him that Quality Time (for me) involves TALKING and having his undivided attention (hint: I don't want to watch TV)

I know you can't change a person and I feel badly that this is my negative. I've dated jerks that had much worse negatives but with whom I could carry a decent conversation.

He's SUPER sweet and attentive. Because of his Physical Touch love language he's so good at cuddling and holding hands. He always has his hands on me in some way and it's not sexual. It's SOOOOO sweet.

Since it's only been a few weeks, I'm going to give it time... I dunno.

Try to give it some time, ZenZeta. Maybe he needs time to warm up to you. If after some time you don't notice any changes in him, you can start reconsider this relationship. It depends on how much this is a problem for you. If you feel like the relationship can't work like this, then yes, he may not be the right guy for you. It's your own decision. After all, communication is an important aspect in every relationship, so I think you need to be clear on this. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Is it personal stuff he doesn't want to talk about or just talk in general? Maybe make a game out of it? Write down a bunch of questions on little pieces of paper, some personal and just some general and put them in a container. The next time you two are together take turns picking out a question and discuss each others answers.

Maybe try doing on interactive sport or game together, one that you have to communicate to do.

Its possible you have nothing in common or have everything in common.

Can someone give me the short and sweet explaination about what love languages are and how you figure out what yours is and how to figure out how to use it?

If he is like me he probably feels really way out of his comfort zone in social situations and dries up in casual conversation but clearly he does care and does have the capacity to show love. I know I can be a good listener even though I'm also a quiet guy who doesn't like crowds or loud situations generally, 2 people can be different but still find ways to connect.

He's just a quite guy in general. He does answer any questions I have very well, but I often feel like I'm interrogating him, and it would be nice if the conversations flowed a little better. He hardly ever comes back with "Well, what about you..." He answers then stops.

Unfortunately he doesn’t ask about you because he isn’t really interested to know things about you.

Hi ZenZeta,

I disagree with Divine. There may be a couple of reasons he doesn't ask about you. Maybe you already talked about how you are doing, or maybe he doesn't want a long answer about how you are doing. I sometimes talk too much, and my husband would seem to be zoning out. I have a tendency to delve too much into little details.

He is seeing other people (see a different thread) so it’s very plausible he isn’t as interested to get to know her. Plus they are just getting to know each other and if he wants to know nothing about her then what’s this about? Just sex? Again see a different thread

Can someone please give me the basics of love language? I have never heard of it.

It's a book titled "The Five Love Languages" I don't have the authors name off the top of my head. One of my cousins gave this as a wedding gift. It went unused in that now defunct marriage. :\

Here is one link that may help
Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages(R)