My friends and family are modest about their traditions. Every year they make a big deal and fuss about getting things right and taking all they can give. Amazed at what they do and how they see, I know I could never be good enough to join them. My way to join them is not good enough and it never will be. If I stay I am a looser and if I go I could never make it right. I know they are my family and there is no escaping that, but how do I change myself to be more like them. I am wrong in thinking they should accept me how I am pre·cise·ly? I can’t make up my mind. Help

[mote.of.soul]

Hi elemenno,

No, I don't think you're wrong in thinking you should be accepted precisely the way you are. But is it realistic? Afterall, people being people - we all have our funny ways, hehe. Well, I do.

You sound like you'd like to improve the relations between you, though, and that's a good character trait I believe.

Perhaps you could offer your assistance to help them in different ways, maybe observe out of respect some of their customs as well? Some people are set in their ways but most people respond positively to a friendly helpful manner.

Originally Posted by elemenno

My friends and family are modest about their traditions. Every year they make a big deal and fuss about getting things right and taking all they can give. Amazed at what they do and how they see, I know I could never be good enough to join them. My way to join them is not good enough and it never will be. If I stay I am a looser and if I go I could never make it right. I know they are my family and there is no escaping that, but how do I change myself to be more like them. I am wrong in thinking they should accept me how I am pre·cise·ly? I can’t make up my mind. Help

Without details, it's hard to know what you mean about family participation in traditions etc. Changing yourself to be more like anyone else is not the path to peace or happiness. I agree with the wise man who said "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken!"

As to whether your family should accept you precisely as you are...that depends...are you respecting their boundaries? If so, great!...you could consult with a family therapist about how to improve your relationships with them. If not, that's a problem which needs to be addressed...a therapist can also help you with that.

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family which included abuse from parents. I moved far away and really limit contact. I have family members who still call me names, judge every single thing I do in life, and try to convince me that I'm a bad person. I'm actually a good person...I just don't want to participate in their controlling and shaming and fighting. I don't think we'll ever understand or accept each other. They do not believe in boundaries which makes it impossible to relate in healthy ways.

That's my reality. Yours could be very different. I don't know you or your family. You have my empathy. Feeling alienated from one's family of origin is uniquely confusing and painful.

You also mentioned friends...again no details so I don't know what you mean. If they aren't people you enjoy and feel good around, then I don't think they are true friends.

Please consider therapy. I wish you peace