[ZenZeta]

So, there's been a new development with my quiet guy. We've been spending some time together and have become intimate.

I know that in 2019 being intimate with someone doesn't make you a couple, and I CLEARLY communicated that I "can't be one of many" BEFORE we took that step. I told him that I believe in committed, monogamous relationships.

So, I had no problem asking what "the rules" were as we crossed that threshold. His answer was less than desirable for me.

He said he still wants to "see" other people but only sleep with me

I honestly told him that doesn't work for me, and that I would have to take the physical aspect out of the relationship to protect my heart. He seemed to understand.

So...since he stated that he wanted an "open" relationship, I decided to accept a dinner invitation from a long-time male friend of mine. When Mr. Quiet asked if I was coming over, I told him that I had other plans. He asked me if it was a date, and I told him it was just dinner.

He responded that he wasn't happy with that.

When I reminded him of our conversation about seeing other people, he still seemed to be bothered.

So... he wants to see other people, but doesn't want me to see other people?

I ended the conversation by letting him know that his feelings are important to me, but I also need to take my own into consideration. While I can certainly understand his need to take his time with his decision regarding "us", I will remain open to seeing other people.

That's only fair.

Why is he so upset? Is his true jerk starting to reveal his ugly head?

[s4ndm4n2006]

the reality is that when a lot of people claim that they want an open relationship with their partner what they really mean is they want to keep their options open but don't really want the partner to see others. It's quite common. He is not willing to commit to exclusivity with you but you're expected to. I think you are beginning to see his true colors but I have to ask, if you are into committed, monogamous relationships, why didn't you walk away at the point he even mentioned that he wanted to see others? That's really not an important question just one out of curiosity but the real problem is not whether or not you both see other people but that his expectations are skewed toward him having that flexibility but not you. That won't work out going forward, I don't think. he either gives up on seeing others or you walk away because his true feeligns are that he wants you to only see him.

Oh and added problem in my view is that he wants to date others but as you mentioned only wants to sleep with you. what are you his sex toy now? Sorry to be blunt but that's the impression I get.

[Carmina]

Ok so now he's being a hypocrite. That's not an honest way to treat someone.

[divine1966]

I dont think it has anything to do with modern dating. People like this existed 30 and 50 years ago.

He wants to keep his options open because he isn’t sure you are “the one” but he isn’t interested in denying himself pleasures of sex.

I personally recommend not to sleep with people until you two are more serious about each other. Jusf few days ago you weren’t even sure if he is the right guy for you but now you are already intimate. Jusf few days ago you said he doesn’t even ask you any questions about you: major RED flag indicating lack of interest yet you ignored red flag and slept with him.

Why if you aren’t sure and neither is he? And if you don’t want just casual sex then why sleep with someone you have big reservations about?

[sarahsweets]

I second divine's post. I do not know if its a modern thing or maybe because culture has embraced sexuality and how free you can be with your sexual interests-its more acceptable to have had multiple partners and get intimate quickly. I am not that old but I have always valued myself, my body and my heart. When I wanted to sleep with someone I wanted to exclusively share this very important act of intimacy. I value it and I expect my partner to value it as well. I just do not see how quickly becoming intimate will ever be good for a relationship with the potential to get serious. This isnt about being married but it is about being committed. The fact that he even suggested that to me means he is not worth the gift of your body that you are giving him. Did he say this to you before or after you started having sex? If he said it before and you still slept with him then you may want to think about things with him for a minute. If he said that after sex then its an even bigger issue because he has already received the gift of intimacy with you. I would tread very lightly...

[divine1966]

You said you only want sex if you are in a commited relationship. Are you? I understand wanting monogamous commited relationship but were you really ready to make commitment to this guy who you don’t think is right for you? I don’t think you need to commit to someone you aren’t even sure about. Are you in love? Is he? Then why commiting? It’s established that he is not commited to you (yet?) but are you? And why? If you have many doubts?

[s4ndm4n2006]

I personally would not be involved in sex with anyone at all that isn't exclusively my partner. I may not be the normal mind set here but I cannot actually separate having sex from being committed and/or involved with someone I am serious about. In my mind, it's illogical because for me sex is something that is borne out of attachment and connection which cannot happen casually for me.

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree that doesn't sound fair, ZenZeta. And yes, perhaps he's starting to show his true colors. I think you need to have a serious talk with him about this. It's kind of hypocritical of him to behave like this. So I think this is something worth discussing. I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. If things don't seem to change, then I think you need to seriously reconsider this relationship. Like you wrote, you need to take care of yourself as well and it's not fair you're being treated like this. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[gothicpear]

He is upset because you took him at his word! You didn't beg, plead, or continue being his sex bunny. Instead, you took him at his word, and you continued on with your life. He isn't used to women who listen to his words and believe them.

It might be a very good idea, for your heart's sake, to consider why you're still having conversation with him. Because you want to be friends? Who wants to be friends with a sleep-about? Who needs friends like that? The more you talk and try to reason with him, the more chances he has of getting into your pants again, and the greater chance that you will develop an attachment to him. He has everything to gain here, as long as you're still engaging with him.

Set him free. Let him find that girl who wants to have sex whenever he says so, and yet have no commitment, because I think nothing short of a miracle is going to settle this one down. I've met too many of these before, and seen this one too many times.

Set the little fishy free and find one who isn't afraid of being committed to you and only you. You are worth it.

[AspiringAuthor]

ZZ,

I would generalize - describe what is happening in general terms, to shift the focus away from sex in order to find common themes and patterns.

There is a thing of value here, called FREEDOM. He wants to have it. You want to have it. When you exercise your freedom out in the open, it turns out that he does not like it. So he wants the thing of value, but only for himself. He wants a relationship in which he has something that is highly valuable and you do not a have counterbalancing thing of value; he wants a relationship that is skewed in his favor and that subordinates you. You offered to him (sorry I did not read your other posts, so this is an assumption) a relationship that is mutually monogamous - in other words, a relationship in which both you and he give me FREEDOM, maintaining a balance in the relationship. He did not want this option. To sum up, he does not want a relationship in which both give up FREEDOM and does not want having a relationship in which both exercise FREEDOM - he only wants a relationship that favors him at your expense.

Are you willing to maintain a relationship that favors him at your expense?

[QUOTE=AspiringAuthor;6407516]

What a great post Aspiring Author! Well said! I agree that the issue is not whether someone wants casual sex or a committed relationship. I believe that is for each individual adult to decide. Casual sex is not a problem if it is "safe" and what consenting adults truly choose. It's not desirable or comfortable for some adults and that's okay too.

The real issue is this man's double standard, possessiveness, and disrespect. I would encourage ZenZeta to take a step back and ask if any interaction with that particular man is likely to enrich her life in any way...be it sexually or in some other regard. I also want to emphasize that the guy does not have a right to know how or with whom ZenZeta is spending her time.

Peace to you ZenZeta. I hope you find whatever you desire from a respectful man who honors your boundaries. There are some less than good guys out there but there are plenty of great ones too. You never know which wonderful person is right around the corner in Life!

Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor

ZZ,

I would generalize - describe what is happening in general terms, to shift the focus away from sex in order to find common themes and patterns.

There is a thing of value here, called FREEDOM. He wants to have it. You want to have it. When you exercise your freedom out in the open, it turns out that he does not like it. So he wants the thing of value, but only for himself. He wants a relationship in which he has something that is highly valuable and you do not a have counterbalancing thing of value; he wants a relationship that is skewed in his favor and that subordinates you. You offered to him (sorry I did not read your other posts, so this is an assumption) a relationship that is mutually monogamous - in other words, a relationship in which both you and he give me FREEDOM, maintaining a balance in the relationship. He did not want this option. To sum up, he does not want a relationship in which both give up FREEDOM and does not want having a relationship in which both exercise FREEDOM - he only wants a relationship that favors him at your expense.

Are you willing to maintain a relationship that favors him at your expense?