Feeling like you are only a back up or last option friend

Just out of curiosity, has anyone experienced an awkward moment when you are hanging out with someone who is supposedly a friend or at least calls you their friend and when a different friend happens to call and ask what they are doing, the friend you are with says they are not doing anything and maybe even says they are even bored? I’ve heard it happen to other people too. I feel like when someone does this, it is a sign they don’t really feel that close to you or even really see you as a friend, but just as someone to be around when no one else they like better is around. Like a last option. They may like you enough to have you around, but certainly not enough to value their time with you and may only see you as a back up friend.

How do you deal with these awkward moments? Do you think it is a sign that the person doesn’t exactly value their time with you much? In the past when this has happened, it makes me feel like I am just being used as a friend out of boredom or convenience. It really seems that way especially when that friend cancels plans or shortens a hang out time to go be with someone else. There is nothing wrong with having other friends, but I feel like in this case, the person is just being rude and maybe even using you. I have stopped being friends with some people due to this reason. Do you believe people who hang out with you only out of boredom are not really true friends? Like I mentioned, nothing wrong with having multiple friends but in this scenario, I think it is rude to only hang out with someone out of boredom and drop the person if something better comes up.

I think it's important to simply call them out on it. Communicate that it bothers you.

I have thought of that in the past. Only problem is that it may come off as clingy especially if they really do not see you as a close friend.

I disagree about clingy. Completely the opposite. It's holding another accountable. I'd probably myself say it with a snark and a bite. I'd personally be willing to lose the friendship than be subjugated to such nonsense.

Yeah true. I would not want to be treated that way by someone and would want them out of my life.

That's what's happening, hence my advice to call this person out on it.

I agree that you need to call them out on this if you feel like this is what's happening, rdgrad15. Just be honest and see how it goes from there. I think it's important to be clear on this. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Yeah true. Usually people who treat others this way think they can use others.

Yeah makes sense.

This happened to me a lot when I was younger, only a few times as an adult. As an adult before I got sober, I was so desperate to be "liked" or the laid-back friend who went with the flow I would let it go. Once I got sober and learned how to set boundaries I do not tolerate it more than one time. I value myself and the people I choose to be friends with but it wasn't easy. The last time I was a victim of the "fair-weather friend" I had just gotten sober. Prior to that this friend had been used to me dropping everything to be with them and neglecting other's in order to please them. But anyway. I got sober and this friend who didnt really like the sober sarah had major drama in her family. Drama that i would insert myself in like it was my problem. I had always been letting myself be taken advantage of by her. Her father died suddenly and it was a huge shitshow with her family fighting and her mother acting like a spoiled brat- just terrible. She always cried poor to me and of course she came back for the arrangements and funeral and had no money for funeral clothes. She was also in a bad relationship and her husband was abusive. i took her shopping and got stuff for her and her daughter. I was at the viewing and funeral. I put up with the abuse. (an aside is..she lived in Fl and was cheating on her husband with her other friends' husband and I knew and still didnt say anything and kept her secret). She was fighting with her mom, sister and husband and came to stay at my house and brought along the florida best friend. They were so rude, messy and just helping themselves to everything that I dawned on me- this is not friendship and I am letting myself be taken advantage of. She left and I thought for like two weeks about how to deal with it. I decided on an email. I told her everything that bothered me and gave examples. I basically broke up with her. She wrote something nasty back to me but I never answered. I let that be the last communication I had with her. it was hard but so freeing! It was like a light turned on. That was the last time I ever had boundary issues.

Wow I’m sorry you had to deal with that kind of abfriend. It is good that you set bounderies. Some people can be so rude. I am glad you don’t deal with her anymore. Yes it is so freeing to get rid of a friend that uses you. Feels like a heavy weight is lifted off your shoulders.

Yes. I would distance myself from someone like this. She would not be worth my time because I want to hang out with someone who genuinely enjoy spending time with me.

If your gut gives you the sense this is ‘off’ then I’m sure it is. My impression when you mentioned they ‘even said they were bored’ though was that maybe they are so comfortable with you. When you’re together with someone you are so used to, you both can get very boring because you are comfortable. Not a bad thing.

I totally agree with you.

Yeah true. That makes sense.

I feel like this all the time! I had this happen tme me plenty of time.

Yep it is super awkward and makes you feel like you are not valued. Which in a way, I strongly believe that is the case when someone does that to you constantly. Otherwise they wouldn’t leave you every single time a better offer comes by.