I'd be having a conversation with people and it starts out pleasant, but then mid-way, I'd ask a question and they'd say it's none of my business. Or otherwise act uncomfortable. I'll give one recent example.

Backstory: Our supervisor lives with his GF and 3 kids. At work (fast food), during downtime, a coworker asked the supervisor if just [name] is his only kid.

Him: biologically, yes. The other 2 are [girlfriend's name].
Me: Does [ex wife] have any more kids?

At that point, he paused before saying yes she does but it's really none of my business.

I asked him why he talked to me that way. He said I just asked him a question about his ex-wife.

Me: I was just making conversation!

People don't seem to like it when I ask questions. But in conversations, people usually ask questions and make comments, right? Is there some kind of double standard?

Hi Ruby,

For one thing, this supervisor was not being hateful, as your thread title suggests. He just simply was making it clear to you that he did not wish to discuss anything or answer questions about his ex wife.

Now, in light of the conversation, your question seems innocent enough because your co-worker had asked if he had more than one kid. However, at the same time, I can also see your supervisor's discomfort with you asking about his ex wife, which could come across as a bit too probing and intrusive.

It's not a double standard necessarily, it's just understanding that asking about someone's ex wife may not be the most comfortable conversation a person wants to have, and can be crossing boundaries. I think we need to be very careful when asking supervisors, especially a supervisor, about their personal lives.

I wouldn't take offense.... he only didn't want to discuss it.

[divine1966]

I don’t think it’s double standard as one thing is to ask about his kids and entirely different thing is asking about his ex wife as she has nothing to do with this conversation. Why would even care about his ex wife? I think if you wanted to continue conversation re his kids you could ask how old is his kid or something about him, not his ex wife.

Unless one brings the conversation up or within some specific context, people don’t tyically ask about ex spouses. Especially subordinates don’t ask supervisors

Just a learning process. Next time think if it’s a question on topic etc I don’t think your supervisor is hateful

WHy don't people like discussing ex-spouses? Why is it taboo to ask about someone's ex-spouses? It's not like I'm asking about the details of the divorce or why doesn't the kid live with his mom. I just don't understand.

[MickeyCheeky]

Try not to take it too personaly, ruby2011. It was probably just a sensitive topic he didn't want to talk about. It happens to a lot of people. Maybe he could have been nicer, but I don't think he was necessarely angry at you. Next time just try to think if a topic could be too sensitive to talk about with the person you're speaking to, or at least try to be careful with your wording. And even if you do ask it, try not to worry too much. You can apologize or try to change the subject. Small talk is something that requires exercise, so I'm sure you'll get better at it with time. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by ruby2011

WHy don't people like discussing ex-spouses? Why is it taboo to ask about someone's ex-spouses? It's not like I'm asking about the details of the divorce or why doesn't the kid live with his mom. I just don't understand.

it really doesnt matter why people may not want to discuss ex-spouses. But if you think about it, they got divorced for a reason and it couldnt have been good or they wouldnt have gotten divorced. Him saying its none of your business is blunt but that is what he meant. I dont think you should take it personal, the question seems innocent enough. "None of your business" can seem abrasive or abrupt but I guess its a sore spot.

I ended up telling him that I should get a dollar for every time I make conversation and someone tells me it’s none of my business. He said he should get a dollar for every time I ask him a question that’s none of my business. I then explained that lots of people tell me that, not just him. He told me when people make conversation, they voluntarily disclose information. I be like, “don’t they also ask questions?” He just said nothing that personal.

So what’s the difference between my question and my coworker’s question?

People like to talk about themselves, not others. You brought someone undesirable to him to the conversation, and it has nothing to do with him. He could have handled it differently, though.

The difference between the two questions is his matter of comfort. Plus it’s always best to not ask about the ex in a picture where he’s moved on and has a girlfriend. They may have had a horrible divorce.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ruby2011

WHy don't people like discussing ex-spouses? Why is it taboo to ask about someone's ex-spouses? It's not like I'm asking about the details of the divorce or why doesn't the kid live with his mom. I just don't understand.

It’s not a taboo whatsoever or anything people don’t like to discuss.

It’s not something you need to discuss with your supervisor though as it’s simly not your business. You aren’t his friend. My friends would ask me questions like that and it’s perfectly fine. Not a taboo at all. You aren’t friends though. The difference in your and your co worker question that co worker was talking about him and his kids, you wanted to know about someone else’s kids :ex wife’s or whoever.

If I was discussing something with a colleague and, particularly supervisor, like let’s say favorite dishes and said “I like soups” and yiu asked “what’s your ex husband’s favorite dish?” it would make no sense to be. So asking about his ex wife doesn’t make any sense

Lack of boundaries has been a problem for you in every employment. So just focus on boundaries. Don’t argue with supervisor, move on

That makes sense. Btw, I went in and talked with him today. I said IÂ’m sorry I had an attitude with him that day. He didnÂ’t feel like I had an attitude! I then said it really hurts that nothingÂ’s ever my business.

He: just donÂ’t ask anything personal.
Me: I donÂ’t know whatÂ’s personal or whatÂ’s not.

He then said something this personal should just be avoided. Now I understand the degree of personal around that topic. He said he ainÂ’t mad (I asked); yesterday is over. At that point, drive thru started ordering on his headset.

Crisis averted. Idk why I worry so much about pissing people off. IÂ’m paranoid AF. So srsly, what is personal and in what situation is it personal? How do people pick up on the nuances? Cuz I swear I discussed exes with friends (my exes and theirs) outside work before.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ruby2011

That makes sense. Btw, I went in and talked with him today. I said IÂ’m sorry I had an attitude with him that day. He didnÂ’t feel like I had an attitude! I then said it really hurts that nothingÂ’s ever my business.

He: just donÂ’t ask anything personal.
Me: I donÂ’t know whatÂ’s personal or whatÂ’s not.

He then said something this personal should just be avoided. Now I understand the degree of personal around that topic. He said he ainÂ’t mad (I asked); yesterday is over. At that point, drive thru started ordering on his headset.

Crisis averted. Idk why I worry so much about pissing people off. IÂ’m paranoid AF. So srsly, what is personal and in what situation is it personal? How do people pick up on the nuances? Cuz I swear I discussed exes with friends (my exes and theirs) outside work before.

In a previous post I said that people discuss these things with friends, not work supervisors. Now you are saying you discussed exes with friends before and it wasn’t a problem. It’s not a problem. People talk about exes all the time. With friends. Not work supervisors. That’s how you know. Personal with friends, less personal co workers and especially supervisors

[eskielover]

Ok....I am going to ask a semantic question about what EXACTLY did he say? You wrote:

he paused before saying yes she does but it's really none of my business.

Did he actually say "it is none of MY business" or did he say "it is none of YOUR business" ?

There is technically a huge difference between the 2 statements. If he told you that "it was none of MY business he was saying that the kids his wife has that aren't his are not his business.

If he told you "it is none of YOUR business" he was telling you he was not interested in talking about them & anything about his ex-wife was NONE of your business.

He was not being hateful he was setting his boundary with you that you need to respect. Setting boundaries is NOT being hateful even if they don't do it in the most tactful way

[QUOTE=ruby]

Hi Ruby, thanks for asking this important question I am divorced and I find it really inappropriate when people ask me about my ex. I've even had people ask why we got divorced.

The reason it's not good to ask is because its of a deeply personal nature and, as I think Sarah pointed out, divorce is a painful process under any circumstances. Why remind someone of (possibly) their greatest pain in casual conversation? I realize that was not your intention. I'm just explaining it from the other person's point of view. I only ever discussed those topics with very close friends. And they had the good grace to wait for me to raise the topic; otherwise they didn't bring it up.

Another one that drives me loopy as a woman who chose not to have babies : "Why don't you have children?" or "When are you going to have children?"

Here's a general guide which may help you in conversation with anyone you are not close to:

AVOID:
- politics
- religion
- sex
- family problems
- diet/weight loss/body image (I used to work on a team of people obsessed with diets...it got so uncomfortable eating with them with their constant analysis of the caloric content of everything they and myself were eating that I started taking my lunch at a different time in a different room!)
- dating (unless they bring it up and seem to want to chat about it)
- money (Qs about what something cost, a person's rent or mortgage etc)
- anything that seems painful or uncomfortable for someone to casually discuss such as: disability, a death in the family, serious illness, divorce, infertility, unemployment, emigration - immigrants typically experience a lot of really rude comments and Qs. Unless someone has a very high CQ, it's best not to even go there in conversation.

Options for casual conversation:
- music, books, films, TV shows, art
- the weather (you have to start somewhere and it doesn't offend anyone
- something funny that happened to yourself
- work
- hobbies
- travel
- food *provided in a positive way about fun restaurants or meals and not diet/weight loss etc

Consider WHO your communicative partner is:

- anyone with authority over you such as a boss - tread even more carefully there
- is the person a complete stranger or a close friend or a casual acquaintance?
- what's their personality like? Open? Guarded? Talkative? Quiet?

If in doubt, try something like "Would you mind if I ask about x?" or "Are you comfortable sharing about y?" That said, those carrier phrases aren't a get-out-of-jail-free card! We have all known people who say "I don't mean to be rude but..." or "This may sound harsh but..." and then the proceed with a comment that should never be voiced. I have a friend who is medically very overweight. People say things to her like: "I don't mean to be rude but that outfit isn't flattering on you!" They are obviously being rude. Though I know you weren't Ruby I'm just throwing out ideas here to help you think the topic through.

When you mentioned going back and apologizing to your boss, I wanted to give you a hug!!! That was thoughtful and emotionally intelligent. No need to beat yourself up...we all inadvertently say the wrong thing at times.

I had a colleague who asked a wildly inappropriate political question about my homeland during an after-work party. I calmly shut it down. The next day at work she apologized. I could tell she didn't mean any offense. I thanked her for the sorry and we were able to move on and work well together

[AspiringAuthor]

Ruby, this being a mental health support group - are you a member of a physical, in-person, brick-and-mortar support group? Not only could that help you improve social skills, but you would not be bound by the unwritten conventions of the social codes.

Ruby, you asked how to read people. Most of it (~90%) is non-verbal. Eye contact, facial affect, body language etc. Do some research online or buy a book. There's a lot out there. I've trained these techniques to folks living with brain injuries who have difficulty with being socially appropriate. Of course, I'm not suggesting you have a brain injury! I'm just saying that if social cues aren't obvious to you, you can learn

Originally Posted by eskielover

Ok....I am going to ask a semantic question about what EXACTLY did he say? You wrote:


Did he actually say "it is none of MY business" or did he say "it is none of YOUR business" ?

There is technically a huge difference between the 2 statements. If he told you that "it was none of MY business he was saying that the kids his wife has that aren't his are not his business.

If he told you "it is none of YOUR business" he was telling you he was not interested in talking about them & anything about his ex-wife was NONE of your business.

He was not being hateful he was setting his boundary with you that you need to respect. Setting boundaries is NOT being hateful even if they don't do it in the most tactful way

He told me it’s none of my business. As in he didn’t wanna discuss it or disclose anything.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by ruby2011

He told me it’s none of my business. As in he didn’t wanna discuss it or disclose anything.

You are missing my question.....did HE use the WORD "MY" or "YOUR" when HE made the statement to you?

[sarahsweets]

I think I am a little perplexed as to why this seems to be hard for you to understand and I do not mean any disrespect- but asking about someone's failed marriage isnt a good top\ic for most any conversation. I dont even know if its limited to the fact that it's your boss, its just one of those topics that-unless you are good friends or familiar with someone- should be off limits. And its also private. What if it was a woman and she divorced because she was physically abused? I would guess that could possibly trigger her or at least make her feel embarrassment.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think I am a little perplexed as to why this seems to be hard for you to understand and I do not mean any disrespect- but asking about someone's failed marriage isnt a good top\ic for most any conversation. I dont even know if its limited to the fact that it's your boss, its just one of those topics that-unless you are good friends or familiar with someone- should be off limits. And its also private. What if it was a woman and she divorced because she was physically abused? I would guess that could possibly trigger her or at least make her feel embarrassment.

Ruby has ASD and some human interactions and social clues are harder for her to decipher. She’s been asking people on here and hopefully her case worker what are appropriate work place behaviors. I’d say that going by what’s being shared on here she shows improvement as this issue at least isn’t the kind to warrant getting her fired etc it’s a work in progress. Sometimes step forward and two back but hopefully mostly learning progress

Good point about abuse and being triggered by such questions

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Ruby has ASD and some human interactions and social clues are harder for her to decipher. She’s been asking people on here and hopefully her case worker what are appropriate work place behaviors. I’d say that going by what’s being shared on here she shows improvement as this issue at least isn’t the kind to warrant getting her fired etc it’s a work in progress. Sometimes step forward and two back but hopefully mostly learning progress

Good point about abuse and being triggered by such questions

Thank you for the context.
Ruby- I apologize if I offended you, I didnt mean to sound harsh.

[BonsaiGuy]

Originally Posted by ruby2011

I'd be having a conversation with people and it starts out pleasant, but then mid-way, I'd ask a question and they'd say it's none of my business. Or otherwise act uncomfortable. I'll give one recent example.

Backstory: Our supervisor lives with his GF and 3 kids. At work (fast food), during downtime, a coworker asked the supervisor if just [name] is his only kid.

Him: biologically, yes. The other 2 are [girlfriend's name].
Me: Does [ex wife] have any more kids?

At that point, he paused before saying yes she does but it's really none of my business.

I asked him why he talked to me that way. He said I just asked him a question about his ex-wife.

Me: I was just making conversation!

People don't seem to like it when I ask questions. But in conversations, people usually ask questions and make comments, right? Is there some kind of double standard?

It doesn't sound like he is being hateful, you simply crossed a boundary of his that he wasn't comfortable with you crossing. He made it clear that you crossed the line and that should have been the end of it.

I, for one, will become very taken advantage of or upset if some crosses a boundary that I had previously set. I usually don't get upset if I they don't know it's a boundary (as in your case), but if they do and insist on crossing it, I will respond very firmly at the disrespect.

[mote.of.soul]

@ruby2011:

Yeah, I think your supervisors reply to you was rude, ruby2011. As he pointed out, he felt your question was personal, okay, but he still could've been more tactful or polite in his response by answering you with something like, "Yes, she does. But it's not something I like talking about, sorry. It's a bit personal." But instead he says to you, "...it's really none of your business." Yes, a little bit rude, I'm afraid.

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

@ruby2011:

Yeah, I think your supervisors reply to you was rude, ruby2011. As he pointed out, he felt your question was personal, okay, but he still could've been more tactful or polite in his response by answering you with something like, "Yes, she does. But it's not something I like talking about, sorry. It's a bit personal." But instead he says to you, "...it's really none of your business." Yes, a little bit rude, I'm afraid.

I agree. The OP is probably upset how he responded by saying "it's non of your business", not because he wanted to set boundaries. That's why she perceived the conversation as hateful.

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

@ruby2011:

Yeah, I think your supervisors reply to you was rude, ruby2011. As he pointed out, he felt your question was personal, okay, but he still could've been more tactful or polite in his response by answering you with something like, "Yes, she does. But it's not something I like talking about, sorry. It's a bit personal." But instead he says to you, "...it's really none of your business." Yes, a little bit rude, I'm afraid.

A person't tone or response can be more abrupt when they feel put on the spot or embarrassed, right? The statement "it's none of your business" is factual, yes? "Hateful" (original post title) meaning filled with hatred, is not an accurate portrayal of someone abruptly setting a boundary. And Ruby apologized and he accepted her apology and said they could move on from it. That sounds reasonable to me and not the action of someone filled with hatred. Helpful to look at both sides I think.