[graystreet]

So I work in a female-dominated industry, which matters because--and you can call me sexist, but I've lived it for the 17 years I've been in the industry--gossip and drama is more rampant in this environment than any other job I've ever worked. While I've not exactly gotten used to it--I'll never really learn to let mean things people say just roll off--I've learned to separate myself from the culture. I used to want so badly to be part of the "group," and hurt really badly if I wasn't accepted, now I am able to see it as work. While my job is a part of my identity--I'm a nurse, I'm really good at it, and I find pride in this fact--my coworkers aren't a part of that identity anymore.

The thing is that I graduated from nursing school in my late thirties, which is around the time many staff nurses leave the bedside to go into administration, education, research, or advanced practice. As a result of that, and the fact that my specialty is demanding and not one that people tend to want to stay in until retirement, I'm one of the oldest nurses on my unit. There are only two or three nurses who are older than I am, and they have far less experience. In fact, I have the most experience on my unit. This doesn't matter except that, unless the s--t is hitting the fan and I'm being used as a resource, some of my coworkers treat me like I'm a totally out-of-touch idiot. Like I said, I try to stay out of stuff. I try not to get into talking crap about people, I don't want to listen to drama, I just go to work to work and go home. I have RBF so I think people think I'm crabby when I'm not, but that's not really something I can control as it's my regular face. I complain sometimes, but we all do. I don't think I'm a particular negative cloud or anything, and I get along with my shift work-wise. I'm sure anyone who has been around PC for a minute knows I can be a bit abrasive, but I am aware of myself and go out of my way to be accommodating at work and I really do try to keep my mouth shut unless I really need to stick up for myself.

There is this coworker, I'll call her Lanna (not her name), who is particularly horrible. I've never had a run-in with her. I say good morning. I compliment her head band (we all wear them). I smile. She is just. so. unpleasant to me, to the point that she rolls her eyes during our report if my report isn't "good" enough. And I'm the kind of person who, having had an extremely critical mother, is totally undone by that stuff. I'm pretty tough, but that is my kryptonite. Well, cut to this morning. I'd had one of the worst nights of my career--it's like the full moon was in full effect. The patient I was giving to her, I'd called a rapid response code on (just short of a code blue) and that wasn't the worst of the night. So I'm giving her report, and she gets hung up on the fact that I don't know the details of a test that was done a week ago. Something that has really no bearing on now, not to mention she can look it up later if she really wants to be that picky. I finally broke. I slapped my palm on the table and said, "Look Lanna. I know that when I give report to you, I can't seem to do a thing that's correct. However, would you like to hear about the rapid response code I ran on this patient last night anyway?" She shut right up, took the rest of report (rolling eyes several times), and when I said, "Now, DO YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS?" Said "No" with so much saccharine I'm surprised I don't have diabetes.

I am just really freaking down tonight. I feel like it doesn't matter how I act. If I'm a total, out-and-proud B (not that I can be, because even if I'm snarky I feel badly about it for days), people don't like me. If I am quiet, stay to myself, keep my head down and do my work but attempt to be pleasant to people when I interact with them, they STILL don't like me. WHAT gives? How do I react to people like Lanna who seem to just want to be as mean as possible? Should I just say eff it and be a B and let the chips fall where they may? (I'm not totally serious but...really.)

(As a side note, I have taken issue with many a day shift nurse's report. But I recognize that they just worked a 12 hour shift and, unless it is a question of safety, I don't grouse at them. I look that s--t up because I know that they've just worked their arses off. I was so proud of my work last night--and then she came along.)

[sarahsweets]

Wow graystreet that is rough. My brother is an ICU nurse and my mom works in the PACU so I feel like I understand some of the dynamics based on what they have shared with me. Sometimes there is such drama in nursing. Not with good nurses like you but with the little gossipy ones. I feel that the gossipy nasty ones are more prone to mistakes because they are busy being petty and missing important things with patients. You will appreciate this: two weeks ago my husband was schedule for ablasion in the OR. Everything went fine. When it comes time to get dressed in his patient bag was a pair of bloody women's underwear in a biohazard bag. I was like "um.. excuse me...there is bloody underwear in the patient belongings' bag..." his nurse was mortified. My mom happened to be charge nurse but handed the problem off to the Nursing supervisor because we were related. The next day the nurse who did it called to apologize. What had happened (my mom shared) The pre-op nurses had a woman going in to have a gyn procedure and the patient was told to remove everything. When she got into the OR they realized she had underwear on, removed it and gave it to her nurse who put it in my husbands' bag. His stuff was labeled and the her underwear was labeled. The problem wasnt so much that it went into the wrong bag (although it wasnt good) it was that the preop nurse didnt check her patient and just shuffled her through and handed her off. My mom has a history with this one nurse because they carpooled to work in the snow one time and this nurse left her at the hospital.. so of course out of all people this could happen to it was her daughter...

I do not know what this has to do with your situation but my point is good nurses sometimes get overlooked because they work with nasty, gossipy nurses who act like they know everything and like drama. You just keep doing the next right thing and do not worry about that b**ch. As long as your ducks are in a row and you document every little thing I feel like you will be ok. I hope you dont think I am invalidating or trivializing your experience I just thought you would appreciate the story.
xxxooo

[graystreet]

Yeah, there is a lot of drama. And I try to stay out of it because I feel like some of the people, including a few of the hospital supervisors (while few and far between because I work in a high level I facility and our hospital supervisor RNs need to be at a higher level), thrive on it. I used to get caught up in drama in my 20s because I'm human and let's be real, it's interesting and you feel like you're part of the group. But I thrive on being good at my job and working well with my team. And, while I'm good at my job and when the chips are down I *do* work well with my team (night shift), when I do my hand-off to the day shift some of the people I hand off to are just plain s--tty to me. There is no reason. We don't know each other personally. I've not spoken against any of them, I've never called any of them out of their names. I've never called them out for their performance, even. Idk what their problem is.

My T has suggested that I have above-level intelligence (I'm honestly not trying to say anything, it's what we discussed in my last session), and that she thinks maybe the fact that I have a lot more experience than my coworkers by at least a decade may be a factor. I don't hold this above anyone, I don't try and be a know-it-all, because I frankly don't. I question myself constantly. I've only been an RN for 3 years. But she thinks maybe this comes off and people are trying to knock me down. Who the eff knows. If that is the case, it's really crappy because the only people they are hurting is patients. If I have 17 years of experience, and calmly suggest something I've seen done several dozen times and you come back at me scoffing and treating me like an idiot because you've never seen it because you've only been in the industry for a year and you've just...never seen it done...am I the idiot or are you because you're not listening to someone who has been doing this since you've been in middle school?

There isn't only a lot of drama in healthcare, but ageism as well. Thank you for your story. I'm sorry that happened. Honestly, I'm kind of impressed that they called to apologize.

[sarahsweets]

Yes girl, yes! My mom is 66 and went to nursing school when she was 38 and started out in icu. She said sometimes the doctors are rough because they do not value what the nurses do but mostly they are ok. Thank you for your service- no one thanks nurses enough. My 22 year old had a stroke on black friday and some of the doctors were assholes but his nurses were amazing. I made sure to let the nurse manager/supervisor know how happy we were with his care. It was so hard for him being a stroke patient on the telemetry unit where everyone else was much older and they were wonderful with him. Nurses never get enough credit.

Originally Posted by graystreet

Yeah, there is a lot of drama. And I try to stay out of it because I feel like some of the people, including a few of the hospital supervisors (while few and far between because I work in a high level I facility and our hospital supervisor RNs need to be at a higher level), thrive on it. I used to get caught up in drama in my 20s because I'm human and let's be real, it's interesting and you feel like you're part of the group. But I thrive on being good at my job and working well with my team. And, while I'm good at my job and when the chips are down I *do* work well with my team (night shift), when I do my hand-off to the day shift some of the people I hand off to are just plain s--tty to me. There is no reason. We don't know each other personally. I've not spoken against any of them, I've never called any of them out of their names. I've never called them out for their performance, even. Idk what their problem is.

My T has suggested that I have above-level intelligence (I'm honestly not trying to say anything, it's what we discussed in my last session), and that she thinks maybe the fact that I have a lot more experience than my coworkers by at least a decade may be a factor. I don't hold this above anyone, I don't try and be a know-it-all, because I frankly don't. I question myself constantly. I've only been an RN for 3 years. But she thinks maybe this comes off and people are trying to knock me down. Who the eff knows. If that is the case, it's really crappy because the only people they are hurting is patients. If I have 17 years of experience, and calmly suggest something I've seen done several dozen times and you come back at me scoffing and treating me like an idiot because you've never seen it because you've only been in the industry for a year and you've just...never seen it done...am I the idiot or are you because you're not listening to someone who has been doing this since you've been in middle school?

There isn't only a lot of drama in healthcare, but ageism as well. Thank you for your story. I'm sorry that happened. Honestly, I'm kind of impressed that they called to apologize.

[divine1966]

Oh my it’s tough. My husband is RN and what you share sounds a lot of what he talks about. He rarely ever complains about actual tough job or patients but he complains a lot about other nurses who make life difficult. Him being a man make it even worse for him. Plus he has Tourette’s ( with other stuff) which make him do stuff that annoys others like noises or whistles etc

So I really do not have a specific advice as I listen to the same stories you shared quite often. I emphasize. The only thing he could really do is having good healthy ways to unwind on his days off. Gym, Marshall arts, doing something for one’s mind- he is learning another language on his own using apps etc

But usually it takes awhile to even get to a groove of things after two- three shifts in a row and often required over time. Do you have anything helpful relaxing you do between shifts? Does it help?

[saidso]

graystreet, I don't know much about this apart from the fact that I worked in a different industry with quite a few *****es (male and female) and drama queens.

It's nothing about you. There are some people who conduct their lives this way: it's their system for getting what they want in the world and there isn't a lot you can do to change that.

However, what enabled me to survive in my situation was making allies and setting limits. I deliberately built up alliances with people my own age - not close friendships, but people who I had coffee with and walked to the bus stop that kind of thing. I made friends with anyone who seemed stable and half-way rational. The second part was stepping back from the situation enough to decide when things had gone too far: there was one situation where a crowd ganged up on someone for a couple of days and I reported them to management. I didn't get beaten up afterwards, although I expected that might happen.

In that instance it was clearly not my personal problem, it was a person's behaviour that spread around the group and affected all of our working. There was a clause in our contract that specified reporting unacceptable behaviour.

It's not easy! I suffered in another situation and my boss told me to ride it out because dynamics change. In the end we were all made redundant, so that forecast proved to be true! In that situation I deliberately went to work donning an imaginary protective raincoat.

At your senior level I don't think this should be happening and I would encourage you to find out whether there are any mentoring or reporting mechanisms that you can use. You clearly have a lot to offer your workplace!

Please start by knowing that the world works this way sometimes, it is not your craziness making it so!

[divine1966]

I gave it some more thought.

To all honesty this Lana girl creates hostile work environment. It’s something that might need to be addressed with HR. I’d first talk to her and mention how you feel about eye rolling etc And I’d bring up “hostile work environment”. If she doesn’t tone it down, go see whoever is the next chain of command or HR. Or perhaps go straight to HR.

I now recall that years ago I had a colleague who kept making sarcastic and uncalled for comments to me. The reason was that in order for me to do my job correctly, I needed him and other people do theirs: fill out a particular report or provide particular something for someone. He wouldn’t. But just not not doing it wasn’t enough for him, he started making nasty comments to me every time he saw me randomly not even if I asked him to do anything. One day I stopped him in hallway and calmly asked if he has some type problem with me because if he does that’s fine, we can then schedule a meeting wuth adminisyration and address it ASAP. If you don’t have a particular issue with me then I need you to stop these comments and other hostile behaviors forward me right now”. He got all red in face. He was in absolute shock. And just kept repeating “no no I don’t have any problems with you.”

He never ever did or said anything questionable to me and was polite and civil with me until he retired few years back

You might try something like that

[saidso]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I gave it some more thought.

To all honesty this Lana girl creates hostile work environment. It’s something that might need to be addressed with HR. I’d first talk to her and mention how you feel about eye rolling etc And I’d bring up “hostile work environment”. If she doesn’t tone it down, go see whoever is the next chain of command or HR. Or perhaps go straight to HR.

I now recall that years ago I had a colleague who kept making sarcastic and uncalled for comments to me. The reason was that in order for me to do my job correctly, I needed him and other people do theirs: fill out a particular report or provide particular something for someone. He wouldn’t. But just not not doing it wasn’t enough for him, he started making nasty comments to me every time he saw me randomly not even if I asked him to do anything. One day I stopped him in hallway and calmly asked if he has some type problem with me because if he does that’s fine, we can then schedule a meeting wuth adminisyration and address it ASAP. If you don’t have a particular issue with me then I need you to stop these comments and other hostile behaviors forward me right now”. He got all red in face. He was in absolute shock. And just kept repeating “no no I don’t have any problems with you.”

He never ever did or said anything questionable to me and was polite and civil with me until he retired few years back

You might try something like that

That's a useful anecdote Divine1966 - very specific and adapted to real life stupid behaviours. If there is a problem, own it and let's both take it to HR, if not STOP or you will be stopped. I'm going to use that in future.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by saidso

That's a useful anecdote Divine1966 - very specific and adapted to real life stupid behaviours. If there is a problem, own it and let's both take it to HR, if not STOP or you will be stopped. I'm going to use that in future.

It worked for me. I didn’t even plan for it. It just came out and in surprisingly calm manner. He clearly got the message

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this, graystreet I agree it's a terrible behavior, and very unprofessional as well. Like divine1966 has wisely suggested, I'd try to talk to whoever is in charge there and report this behavior if it's bothering you that much. I think you have every right to have a safe workplace. I'd also suggest to ignore this person as much as you can, talking to her only when it's absolutely necessary. And if needed, please don't be afraid to stand upf or yourself and speak up. After all, one person can only take so much, so please don't feel guilty about it. I think anyone would have snapped at that point - actually, a lot sooner I think! I'm so sorry. I hope things will get better soon for you. Please don't give up. You can do this! You're strong, I'm sure of that. I hope writing here helps a bit. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Sending many hugs to you