First of all, let me make it clear that this is NOT my opinion that people are set in their ways after 50. I've heard it from two different family members, two decades older than me, past the age of 50, referring to themselves as being set in their ways. I've been told:

"Don't expect me to change. I'm over 50. I'm set in my ways."

Is that just another excuse not to change, or is it really true that once you are established in life, the change becomes difficult?

[divine1966]

I know people who became sober or quit drugs or stopped life of crime after 50. So change in behavior/habits etc is very possible. Some character traits are probably harder to change. But I think it’s hard at any age. Can you give an example of what change you are talking about? Examples?

Originally Posted by divine1966

I know people who became sober or quit drugs or stopped life of crime after 50. So change in behavior/habits etc is very possible. Some character traits are probably harder to change. But I think it’s hard at any age. Can you give an example of what change you are talking about? Examples?

Thanks Divine. My family members don't have addiction or criminal issues. The issue is more of a behavioral things like:

Intrusiveness and lack of boundaries

Gossiping, back-stabbing, smearing

Nasty retaliation (and very nasty divorce cases)

P.S. I found this article on PC about change. Are these changes actually more difficult after 50?

Can People Really Change?

[Betty_Banana]

Personally,when I hear people say "Don't expect me to change. I'm over 50. I'm set in my ways" I take it as a BS excuse to continue doing something or to get out of something.

I know someone that acts like a complete asshole,treats his wife like crap,does drugs all the time,misses work all the time,etc. and even though it causes major problems in his marriage he likes to use the excuse that he's "set in his ways" and he's too old to ever be different,too old to go get help or be helped.He says he can't change.I have called him on his BS because this same person that can't be expected to change plays video games,has a cell phone and all the latest devices,all things that require learning how to do,which is change and stepping out of old ways.But he can't learn how to not be an asshole,he thinks he shouldn't even be expected to change or try because he's over 50.

They're capable of change,it's just that they choose not to.Surely if they can catch up and keep up with the world today they can change just about anything if they're willing to learn and try.

[healingme4me]

I think changing behavioral patterns is difficult, no matter what age. It takes consideration and conscious choice.

That said, sounds like excuse making as far as your family goes.

"I like Muhammad Ali’s take on it when he said 'A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.'"


This quote was taken from the PC article linked down below (just found this after some research, yeay. I wish I could find something addressing whether or not it is actually more difficult to implement changes after 50):

Can People Really Change?

[Bill3]

It is indeed hard to change.

But change definitely will not occur when one uses BS excuses, like being over 50, for refusing to make even the slightest effort to change.

This is a really interesting question Ennie. In my impression, people change as a result of trauma and pain. Personally, my most important lessons in life have been excruciating. These led me to change in my own way in my own time.

I certainly believe others can change though not as a natural or instant result of ageing. I have worked with some colleagues anywhere from 40 to 60 who behaved emotionally around the age of ~ 8-12. Some, not all I've also met a few people in their teens and 20s who were "old souls" and I greatly admired their wisdom and grace.

As for being set in their ways, yes I think as people age they get into their own way. I'm not yet 50 but I'm more set in my ways than I was 10 or 20 years ago. Though I can of course continue to evolve and hope to do so.

In short, I think it depends.

[divine1966]

Well one needs to want to change. At any age. Your family members likely aren’t interested in changing

[Calypso2632]

I think the age thing is just BS. Change is hard no matter how old you are. But if you don't want to or see no reason to of course it will never happen. Change for others pleasure won't happen. You have to do it for yourself and because you put it in your head and made the decision to do it. Humans are constantly evolving if they are open and aware of their environment and relationship needs. We grow and change with everything we do. Then there are bad habits like nastiness and back stabbing and smearing and what not. Those personal choices are ugly and easy to fix but some people get off on it...

I don't think it has to be where you have to be over 50 to bee set in your ways.

[TishaBuv]

Anyone any age can change anything if they want to. I think people change (or at least one reason they change) because they have to in order to get what they want or need, because what they were doing was not effective.

Someone who says they are set in their ways are letting you know they won’t have, have no interest in change, and they are making that very clear to anyone who would consider they change. It’s just them drawing a boundary. At least they are being honest. Listen to them. Give up. Leave them alone. Go on your merry way, even if that just means to overlook whatever issue they present and cope with it.

Hugs to all who have to put up with dysfunctional relationships.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Go on your merry way, even if that just means to overlook whatever issue they present and cope with it.

Hugs to all who have to put up with dysfunctional relationships.

Ugh...that sucks that they can continue crossing my boundaries under the excuse of age. It sucks when you are on the receiving end of their non-changing ways.

Yeah, I could use a hug from you. Hugs to you as well.

I think it’s an excuse. I think people can make positive changes in their lives at any change. I can understand that there are important values and habits that don’t need to change. But I think anybody is capable of taking a second look at things and seeing them from a different perspective - at any age.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by ennie

Ugh...that sucks that they can continue crossing my boundaries under the excuse of age. It sucks when you are on the receiving end of their non-changing ways.

Yeah, I could use a hug from you. Hugs to you as well.

you cannot change this person

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ennie

First of all, let me make it clear that this is NOT my opinion that people are set in their ways after 50. I've heard it from two different family members, two decades older than me, past the age of 50, referring to themselves as being set in their ways. I've been told:

"Don't expect me to change. I'm over 50. I'm set in my ways."

Is that just another excuse not to change, or is it really true that once you are established in life, the change becomes difficult?

I dont' think anyone at any age is set in their ways. Change is difficult for many people and that's just a generalization that has some basis in truth but is definitely not a hard line fact.

I think that being over 50 I've changed a lot of my views, my beliefs and many things about myself over the past few years and feel that in some ways I was far more rigid in remaining the same at a younger age. With experience and time, I think that much of the time you figure out things are not always what they seem and fads, trends and ideas change drastically which then can make you far more apt to take a lot of things in life with a grain of salt, and realize that most everything is a passing phase.

for me, in a good number of ways I am a bit more flexible! I know at this point in my life that in all truth, I dont' know everything (as I once thought when I was 20ish) but know a thing or two about life and it's fluidity with regards to the world. What is, has been before and what has been will be again. So why be rigid and succumb to the idea that I am past the ability to change ? It just seems like an excuse to brush off when anyone is critical of your behaviors.

[ducky2030]

for the most part yes

[sarahsweets]

Because I had to get sober I learned that the biggest and best overall changes for me have come about due to pain and consequence but these lessons have always been well worth it. I had to completely change my personality and habits in order to be where I am today. And that meant a lot of pain, damage and consequence. I would do it all over again though because I like who I've become that much. If you want to change you will. My mother is 67 and the hippest person around even with technology. She is a baby boomer so you would think she would be curmugeonly and stuck but she is not. My inlaws are the exact same age and they act 10 years older because they are so set in their ways. You grow or you go and that usually always involves change.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Because I had to get sober I learned that the biggest and best overall changes for me have come about due to pain and consequence but these lessons have always been well worth it. I had to completely change my personality and habits in order to be where I am today. And that meant a lot of pain, damage and consequence. I would do it all over again though because I like who I've become that much. If you want to change you will. My mother is 67 and the hippest person around even with technology. She is a baby boomer so you would think she would be curmugeonly and stuck but she is not. My inlaws are the exact same age and they act 10 years older because they are so set in their ways. You grow or you go and that usually always involves change.

I think that you've sparked something that made me want to add, it is true that someone can be "set' in their ways but... the examples you gave just goes to show that you are, only if you choose to be. Set in your ways, I mean. And I don't think that is different at any age but people that are older just tend to choose not to change anymore for any number of reasons more often than younger people.

[saidso]

Do you think 15 year olds are capable of change?????? If you take any age you can find people who don't want to make any effort in their lives.

[MickeyCheeky]

Thank you so much for making this thread, ennie! Thank you so much for taking part in it and for sharing your experiences. I agree with what all of you have already wisely said better than I ever could. I do believe it's possible to change even as you grow older. Otherwise many people wouldn't even be able to survive in today's wordl! The ability to adapt and change is one of our biggest strengths. We should put it at good use! I do believe that it gets hard, though. I also agree that it gets harder and harder as you get olden. I'm not sure way. Perhaps it's because people have been acting a certain way for such a long time that it's harder to break our habits. But that doesn't mean it's not possible! It just requires time and effort. Also, some people are just not interested in changing. But I do believe it's possible overall at any age. It's certainly not easy. But it can be done! Thank you so much for making me think about this, everyone. I feel like this is a very important question. I'm so sorry if you have to put up with abusive behavior. Like I've said, some people will never change simply because they don't want to. Just try to cut off these toxic people from your life if you can. They're just not worth spending time over it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to everyone

[WishfulThinker66]

This is a cop-out be people being stubborn and unwilling to make change. In particular, I see it as an excuse over and over and over again for what today would be considered unacceptable or terrible behaviour. How many times do we hear a racist bigot say they won't change because they are set in their ways? No excuse. Doesn't make them a good person. How many times do we hear someone say they won't for instance drive safely and properly saying they are set in their ways. Big or small there is always room for self improvement. It takes a big person to recognise they need to change with the times or otherwise. It takes a small person to make excuses not to.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

The ability to adapt and change is one of our biggest strengths. We should put it at good use!

So true, Mickey! We have that cognitive ability more than other animals on the planet!

[eskielover]

Bottom line is that research has shown the neuroplasticity of the brain. This means that the neural pathways CAN be changed with work & practice & repetition of the change wanted to be made. CAN & WANT are the key words here.

I am a good example of MAJOR change after 50. I finally had enough in my 33 year marriage. I bought a little farm 2100 miles away from where I lived all my life in a town where I knew no one. I also had never lived along before the age of 54.

When I left my H I was as angry as one can be (literally seeing red when I had to deal with him).

I had my degree in accounting & computer science so I knew I was capable of learning. I just had no idea how much learning, running a home by myself would take. Not only did I learn plumbing & auto & lawn tractor mechanics but best of all I learned how to really relate better to people who are now in my life after living & relating to totally dysfunctional family ALL my life. Best if all I feel at peace for the first time in my life.

Desire for change is a must or there will be none. My EX-H is still the jerk I left BUT in learning better how to interface with people functionally I was even capable of NOT reverting to my old ways when I had to go back for a court hearing last summer against him.

Our minds are capable of changing ONLY if there is the WILL TO CHANGE.

[lizardlady]

I agree with s4ndm4n2006. I believe I've gotten more flexible as I've aged. Agree with the others who said people who claim to be "set in their ways" are making excuses for themselves. Change is hard and scary for everyone.