Am I really that old fashioned?

Ughhhhh I hate having to play bad mom.

So I get this text from my 15 year old:

“Susan” is planning this sleepover with all my friends and I this Saturday can I go?

I asked her if Susan’s dad will be there (she lives with him) and she replied no, he will be at his girlfriends house but said Susan can have a sleepover.

Um. Okay. I then asked her if there will be boys there. To which she replied yes.

Our final text has ended with me saying she can go to the get together but I will be picking her up at midnight.

I know I’m doing the right thing but I just need to vent here before I get some really angry response from her. I feel like I’m policing her but it’s my job to protect her.

I’m pretty certain she’s not into drugs/alcohol etc.

Okay I’m going to post this before my mind wanders further.

I’d have done the same thing. I might have even taken it one step farther to call the friend’s dad to verify that information. If he admitted that was his plan, to leave alone his daughter for a boy/girl slumber party with no adult present, in a house full of minors... I’d remind him he’s probably setting himself up for police and a law suit. What can this dad be thinking? I’m not sure I buy the kids’ story.

At 15 slumber parties with no adults present is a no no. I’d give this dad a call and see what’s up. You are doing the right thing. It’s not like she is 19 and in college. 15? Nope

When my daughter went to prom, we hosted 6 couples in a tent in our backyard. We did this so there would be no alcohol or drugs and to let them feel like they were "grown up enough" to stay "on their own". They were up nearly the whole night and periodically we would bring out snacks and stuff for them. They had music (I cleared it with my neighbors) and they all went to the beach the next day. My daughter was so shocked at my suggestion and thought how "cool" I was. She didn't know we did it to keep tabs on them. I knew what wouldnt be going on at my house and hubby and I kept a presence throughout the night. We even checked out the tent for any shenanigans while they were asleep-or just hanging out in the tent. it was the best thing I ever did. I called everyone's parents to make sure they knew what was going on and kept all the numbers at hand. The kids felt they had their space and it was a special night. All that being said- they were 17+18 and we were home. No way would I allow a co-ed sleepover at 15 and definitely not when the dad wasn't home. He would be asking for trouble. Suppose someone brings alcohol and they get loaded and someone falls and hits there head and dies? What about alcohol poisoning? I think it could maybe influence decisions about sex or sexual behavior. I hope you dont think I am insinuating that your daughter would do any of that or that I think she has nefarious plans- I am simply looking at it from the perspective of a former teenager and because my kids are now 23,19,15 so I have been through high school with two of them. I hope I didnt offend you or hijack your thread I just wanted to share.

Iwould say no.....there is a lot that can happen before you pick her up at midnight. She may not be into drugs/alcohol, but you don't know what someone else might bring; there are so many things that could happen....rape is one of them; yes, it is your job to protect her.....that can be a dangerous situation....why take a chance with her life?

It’s good that your daughter was honest enough to tell you this truth.

When I was a teen my gf’s and I told our mothers we were sleeping over each other’s houses, and we did spend the whole night at a boy’s house whose parents went away for the weekend and left him alone.

You're not old fashioned, Crazy Hitch, you're just being a good parent! That's wonderful and there's no need to be ashamed of it. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. Yes, your daughter may be upset, but you're just doing the right thing for her. Keep your position firm. Try to explain to her that it's for your own safety. You're a good parent, don't worry about it. I hope your daughter will understand. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Crazy Hitch

First of all, unchaperoned slumber parties at any age is a no-go. What the hell are the other parents thinking allowing boys to attend too? NO WAY.

I think you have come up with a great concession to this.

Remember here, you are a parent and not a friend. It is your job to set limitations and boundaries. I am so thrilled to see that you actually are!. Good on you!

I think you’re being very reasonable. I think it’s also good she told you the truth about boys being there.

you're doing the right thing, don't worry. Part of being the parent is having to deal with the fact that it's not going to be easy to do the right thing to protect and teach our children all the time.

Especially at the age of 15 a mix of boys and girls at a sleep over is really kind of asking for trouble.

To be honest I wonder what kind of a dad allows hie 15 yr old to have a co-ed sleepover when he doesn't even plan on being there!? hell I wouldn't let my kids have a party in my house without me there even if there were only one gender! o.o what's up with that. I question his parenting over yours!

That’s actually exactly what I thought about - contacting the dad to ask him if he’s aware. But there were 2 reasons I thought not to -

I felt like she would think I don’t trust her further / I’d be causing trouble (I don’t have the dads phone number)

She was totally honest with me and she could have lied about the pretext of parental supervision and boys being there

I know my parents back in the day never allowed me at sleepovers without contacting parents first

Exactly! She’s not 19 and in college. The dad is pretty “liberal” - I know this from other experiences. But that’s just n my parenting style.

I appreciate the response. I think the way you handled it with your daughter was great!

Thing is I could never move the sleepover here. Back yard is just not big enough. So that would mean they’d all be confined to rooms. And that is absolutely not going to happen.

And I get exactly what you’re saying about the alcohol and inappropriate behaviour that could stem from it. And that was a thought that crossed my mind. It all starts “somewhere” and I’d rather her not be in a position of potential influence.

Okay well wow that’s not what went through my mind but I see what you’re saying. I think if I said no altogether there would be a lot of resentment on her behalf. IF she consumed any alcohol there I reckon I’d pick it up straight away in the car. I’d either smell it or her behaviour would be off. She’s never had alcohol before - I’m pretty certain of that. Plus she’s got her mobile and I’m 5 minutes from her friends house.

Yes I hate to admit I actually did this too as a teenager which is why I’m thankful for her honesty, and told her as much. I just hope she doesn’t take this as a lesson that next time she won’t tell me there are parents there and no boys.

Thank you - appreciate your support. She didn’t text me back last night (she was at my ex husbands place)

I’m alm tempted to tell my ex husband so he can be aware of future requests from her. But there’s nothing I can tell him in confidence without him blabbing it to her. She’ll begin to get the message that she’s better off lying to the both of us then. *sigh*

If you're being old fashioned, then I'm ancient ... I saw an elementary school aged girl riding her bike to school alone the other morning and I was like, "What in the hell are her parents thinking?!?" ... It was barely daylight and traffic not busy enough for anyone to be around to intercede if something were to look fishy or go wrong ... I don't even have kids, but after the childhood I had, there's no way in heck I'd allow my elementary school aged boy or girl to walk or ride their bike to school alone if I did ... There's just way too much that can go wrong and after it has, it's too late to regret the choices made!

Thank you! I think the dad is pretty laid back and to be honest I’m not sure where he gets off leaving his 15 year old home alone so he can stay at his girlfriends place. I sure as hell wouldn’t!!!!!!!

I totally agree. And yes I’m glad too that she was honest.

Yes exactly sands. Who on earth does that as a parent. Allows a sleepover when he’s not there!!! A father who leaves a 15 year ol girl home alone on a Saturday night all night is pretty much the same father who pretty much likely allows the sleepover.

Perhaps you need to ask her how she feels about respecting her body sexually, and tell her what you went through at 15 lying to your parents, and open up all the communications so if she feels unsure or pressured by anyone, she already has some answers of her own up her sleeve?

I once forbade my son from staying over his cousin's one weekend. I forget specifically what was taking place but though adults were going to be there, I knew it wasn't a time nor place for him to be over there, they would have been unattended. I spoke it over with my ex husband-whose family it is and he agreed.

Typically it's not an issue but there's limits. Unattended teens is one of those limits.

Well done, Crazy Hitch.

I think it's fair to show trust but setting a time limit at the same time. My son succumbs to the whole Straight Edge mentality(dry, sober, drug free) and idolizes celebs that do the same. So, I trust him, in that regard. It's trust built over time and by him freely talking-no prodding, no interrogation, not said because it's what he wants me to hear or expects I want to hear. Even so, lots can happen with minors unattended for such lengths of time. What if something really bad occurred. Where's the adults?
Then if something bad did happen and knowlingly you allowed her there, then where does that leave you?
There's other sleepovers for sure.

Your not a bad mom you are being a responsible adult.

Co Ed sleep over ??? Ummmm No

Yes kids will be kids and we aren’t stupid but why allow this to happen with parental knowledge???

Let her 15 year old self get mad, she will get over it.

Your being a good mom , you care

My reference to when I was a teenager is the fact that I did tell white lies to my parents about whose place I was staying at. *sigh*