[sarahsweets]

This is all copy and pasted for context and I will break it up into quotes. This started March of 2018

Well I predicted this might happen and it did. I am trying not to freak out, in fact I am remarkably calm. Everything was going great. Becca earned her car back just last weekend, she was perfect about letting us know where she was and who she was with. She sent us her location via the iphone. She answered my calls and was honest. Shes getting straight A's and we bought her prom dress.
The night she left (Monday) she was late coming home. She told me she got pulled over but didnt get a ticket. I told her that the traffic stop was not a 40 minute stop and that regardless she was already running late. I know that upset her. I wasnt angry or yelling. It seemed matter of fact. The next morning my husband found this note.

At least its not an F-U note but not knowing where she is is killing us. She has always needed drama and I swear when things go good its almost like she stirs up drama just to have it. I have not reacted in an irrational way. I texted her that I hoped she would go to school and that we have to have a conversation about the car and her phone if she plans on staying away. I told her she left some of her work stuff here. I didnt accuse her of being selfish and I know that my lack of freaking out is probably driving her nuts. I do not want her to have the satisfaction of knowing she has turned our world upside down.

My son feels bad because he heard something going on but didnt investigate. My other daughter feels bad because she saw her packing stuff but didnt put two and two together. I told them both its not their fault. I meet with her guidance counselor who wants to figuratively shake her just like I do. We are trying to figure out where she is because the school officer said he could do a wellness check to see if she is ok but everyone's hands are tied. She is 18 and can't be forced to go anywhere as long as she is safe.

I am really hoping that she does just need time to think and by not flipping out on her she comes home.

Now on to the ranting because I know you guys wont judge me.

SHE is so selfish! She is not on her own..she is with someone so she has no idea how much it costs to live on her own. She has not idea how to manage her money (assuming she keeps her job). She has no regard for our family. Her sister has her choral concert tonight- and Easter is Sunday. She is hurting us so much. But at this time its not productive or helpful for her to know this. The goal is getting her home and when she does get home the car is going to be restricted again and I am making her contribute more to her cell phone bill. Right now she is just paying for the actual phone but we pay for the service for the family.

There is more I want to share as I think of it I will. Please, no one be mean to me or tell me I am an awful mother- I sure feel like one but if I cant get some support here I dont know what I will do,

Below is the letter. If its unreadable let me know and I will resize

beccasnote — imgbb.com

time to update:
So she went to school yesterday and told her sister that she was the only one that she missed which was a dig at me cause my Ella bean is a good egg and told me she was at school. The counselor met with her and boy do I love her! I also know her from AA so that helps. She told Becca that she was being selfish and immature, That gratitude was an action word and not a feeling and asked her if this is the way to show gratitude for the privledges she has. She pretty much got her to admit she is staying with the friend I thought she was with from a friday night sleepover. I cant even begin to describe the anger I have towards this friend's mother but I will have to deal with that part when this is all over.

She hasnt answered any texts, she didnt show up to her sister's concert. Today I get a call that she wasnt at school so I called the counselor. Its now time to play hard ball. We only have one key to the car (which is in my name). We actually went to Lowes Sat to make copies of keys but she was at work. Counselor and I agreed that I was going to have the car towed to my house. its time to inconveinece her. I asked the counselor to see if she could find out when Becca works next to avoid any drama at the friends house and GUESS WHAT? The counselor called and she quit! She quit her job. I dont know if she got a better one elsewhere because she has been through 3 jobs now. I cant even believe how erratic she is being and it makes me think there is more than weed going on. I know the girls apartment number and I have a friend coming to take me over there to scope out the place and figure out where the car is if its there, and find out if she is home there or not.
I plan on going back with my husband and calling AAA and telling them I only have one key and its lost and I need it towed to my house.

I despise lying but I cant figure out another way to get them to tow a working car. I want to try and do it without her knowing because a- impact will be better and b- I dont want drama.
Since she doesnt know my friends car we are going to go over and assess the situation.

EDIT: Well we went over and the car was there. Have to talk to husband when he comes home. The counselor suggested we could knock on the door and talk to the mother and emphasize her mental health issues but I am so angry that another mother would harbor MY daughter and not see something wrong with that- Im afraid there would be a confrontation and not only would it get ugly, I would be demonstrating behavior that I DONT want her to emulate.

I'll update soon.....

Well last night went horrible.We found the car and called the tow company and then she comes out at 10pm with her crew (4 girls) so husband blocked her car in. They jump into someone else's car (she got in the drivers seat) and husband put himself in the door and demanded the keys to the car. He told her she could do it that way or we could report it stolen. She got out and went into the apartment and came out with the keys. We asked her what was going on and the monster came out. F this and F that. Her friends were yelling and cursing too. My brother was there to drive the car back and he asked her why she was acting like this, She was so cold. I swear she looked high. She quit her job and had missed school again. I told her she was in danger of not graduating and she said that wasn't true.

She got back in the drivers seat of this other car and I made her roll the window down. She said " our house is not healthy for me mentally" I couldnt believe it! We have rules and this mother was letting a car full of teenagers go out at 10 on a school night. I called her out on her drugs and alcohol and she had the nerve to look indignant. The whole car was full of smokers, they were all smoking which means the mom allows this too. Her friends kept telling her to go-go-go that they were her family now and that she should change her mailing address. I honestly was shocked. Her Dad is devastated. We had to move or else she would have backed into me and they left.

I went and knocked on the door and the mom came to the window. I asked if she knew that Becca ran away in the middle of the night and she said "I told her not to do it that way" I told her that she had mental health issues and the mother said she was safe there.I told her that she seemed to have drug and alcohol issues and she said "obviously" which leads me to believe she is allowing alcohol and weed to be used. I said" mother to mother I beg you, please tell her she cant stay here.Please tell her to leave" The mother said "would she come home or go to the streets?" Becca would have no clue how to live on the streets. She said she wouldnt put her out, she couldnt do that. I begged her. I said I didnt know what tale she was telling them and she said Becca didnt say anything bad about us.So WTF? why is she letting her stay there then, she is not in danger at home. She had no answer except to say that she would encourage her to go home but refused to make her leave. She doesnt care what the girls are up to and doesnt care whether she goes to school.

This wasnt my daughter. This was an empty intoxicated shell of a daughter that has some adult co-signing her bull *****. I am helpless. I think the next step is to turn off the phone. Im scared because what if she has to get in touch with me but I am paying for it not her. I know she likes it there because she can do whatever she wants and there is nothing I can do about it. Its Spring break now and the school counselor and resource officer are not available til the break is over.

We are trying to figure out a way to get her back. Her brother is mad, her sister is sad, her dad is devastated. I fainted as she drove away and my brother caught me. I was just overcome with emotions.

I have no idea what to do. What if she never comes home?
She is so selfish that I am disgusted with her.
I am so sad now. She has a tight loving family and I do not know where this came from.
That letter was a lie cause she wont answer anyone.
So thats about it.

Well shes really gone. We shut her phone off(she can still use it with wifi) and we went to go talk to her at that apartment. In the meantime my son had reached out to his friend to find out about these girls she is with and this friend stuck her nose in where it doesnt belong and told her she was being selfish.My son and I are p*ssed.She had no right.My daughter knew her phone had been disabled and told this friend she was getting a new phone and starting a new life. We thought we had better get this phone back because its new and we are paying for it but she wasnt there. I got a message last night from my daughter that she is now staying somewhere else because she doesnt want me showing up and that it was my fault that she was being pushed away. Im worried shes going to sell the phone, destroy it or just get a new sim card so I really want to figure out how to get it back cause its only 3 weeks old. She said "goodbye mom, I love you and Im safe"

That shook me to my core. She's really gone. She is making bad choices and I dont even know where she is.I keep crying trying not to blame myself. There has to be substances involved- this is not the daughter we know. She says we are toxic. I can only hope that when break is over the school can help me but I suspect not. I have her prom dress hanging downstairs. I want her to graduate. Im so sad. I cry everyother hour and then try and focus on the good I do have in my life. She is really gone and my heart is broken.
I keep wondering if we did the right thing, taking the car and the phone but we were trying to make her choices uncomfortable.

Ok, new developments. Met with the school counselor and officer yesterday. Apparently Becca showed up to first period, and then got spooked and left. A teacher asked her how she was and she said "Ive been better" so maybe this new wonderful life she thinks she has is getting old. She told a friend that she didnt know we lost two spring break days due to snow- which makes sense because we didnt find out about that until she left. The counselor had wanted to get her into the office and possibly call me to have her drug tested. Even though she is 18 for the school environment i have to give permission to have her drug tested. The hope there is that she would talk to me and we could try and talk about treatment if she is on anything.

The officer talked about classifying her as a "missing suicidal" meaning she has had previous crisis in the past with suicide attempts and and he said she would be more of a priority. I brought my brother with me and he asked- did we know she wasnt at this girls house for sure? And nope- we dont/didnt. The officer went to the girls'apartment and knocked on the door and she answered! The mother wasnt there and I have no idea if the other B*tches were but she talked with him for about 20 minutes. He told her how worried her family was- she said she knew she had to come home but "I had to try this and make it on my own" she knows it isnt forever and shes not planning to drop out of our lives forever. He said she didnt indicate she was in crisis, or a harm to herself or others and wasnt obviously intoxicated. There's no warrant or anything and its not like the cops can bust in wherever they want to grab her.

So....shes safe for now. And she knows we know where she is. And she attempted school so maybe she wont give up. There has to be drugs and alcohol involved and possibly her meds not right because she was doing so well this was literally out of nowhere.

We are hoping she goes to school monday and the counselor is going to feel her out and see how we can get her to see the light. I want her drug tested. In school its not criminal and we can get her into treatment if need be. The last resort back up worst case scenario plan is to have her picked up for breaking and entering and then I drop the charges so there is no record but I feel like I would only do that if I feared for her safety otherwise it would drive her away I think.

Im doing better the last three days. Its like I had to spend a few days grieving, not showering and crying and then spank my own butt and pick up the pieces because I have a younger daughter and older son and husband that need me. If she isnt even in the freaking house how fair is it to my other kids to let her monopolize my time? I made an appt for family therapy weds. evening. Whether she comes home monday or two months from now or never we need therapy as a family because she has drastically changed the dynamic of the house.

I really appreciate the words of support and seriously keep them coming. Its helpful to know I am doing my best the eyes of kindred spirits. For now you guys are my higher power- its all Ive got and my husband and I can only support ourselves so much before we smother each other.
Love to all. xxxooo
-sweets

Been meaning to update since I was at the school Tuesday. Her sister Ella asked me to get in touch with the counselor and have her called down. She got down there and talked with the counselor about speaking with Becca because she tried to talk to her between classes and Becca made her feel bad. So they called Becca down. Ella told her how she felt and Becca proceeded to flip the script on her. Told her it was our fault that she couldn't come back. She mentioned being assaulted in our home( she has said she was assaulted by a neighbors's nephew when she was very young an this boy is 2 years older than her- the story has never been consistent and was brought up when she was in trouble for something. Needless to say I got her a trauma therapist- like she asked for and she saw her twice and didn't go back). She said she couldnt live in the house because of it but I can assure and guarantee you that that boy has never set foot in the house. It was inappropriate for her to not validate how Ella was feeling. Anyways, she changed her trauma story and decided to use that experience to influence Ella. Apparently she ran out of the office, got her stuff from class and hid in the bathroom. I got a call from the counselor and they wanted me to come to the school and consent to a drug test.

They found her and made her go back to the office and then I walked in. She flipped out.I did not in anyway confront her or talk about any issues I may have had with her, I was there to support Ella (who was a basket case). Poor Ella started trying to explain Becca's behavior as if it made sense. Becca was agitated and refused to let the nurse check her vitals, refused drug testing stormed out into the waiting area and yelled things like :"this is f-ng ridiculous, f all of you, have a nice life" and went out front I guess to wait for her ride.
The counselor told us to go outside, and just give her a hug and say goodbye. No confronting. Becca was acting really paranoid....said I was having her stalked and followed..said things like "I have eyes and ears everywhere and I know what you are doing, we 'boarded' up the windows so you cant look inside." She told me she had money saved up so thats why she quiet her job ( I know she doesnt) she said she is seeing her own therapist named "stephanie" but had no details to offer and that she has several interviews lined up for another job. As she said these things you could tell she was a liar- its like she couldnt help herself. She was combative, irrational and just not herself. Her ride came and she said I love you has she jumped into the car and drove off. Poor Ella was overcome with grief and screamed "f-you" and her voice was filled with agony. I took her home cause she was devastated and couldnt go back to class.

This was not my daughter. My daughter has never once acted out in school or behaved this way.Never defied orders or rules. Never got so riled up with school staff and officials. She said the only rule she has at that house is that she has to go to school so they pickup and drop her off. As if that makes me feel better.

Wed, Thurs, Friday I got the automatic calls from the school saying that she was absent. So much for that rule. I wish I wouldnt get those calls because it upsets me.

Yesterday I got a text " Your daughter's phone is in the mailbox, have a blessed day" from an unknown number. I ran to the mailbox and there it was and it was a punch in the gut. I have no idea if that number was the mother, the daughter or friend and even though we disabled her phone so that she could only use it on wifi- her returning it hurt so bad. I wasn't ready.
I feel like I am Grieving. Like I have to learn to move on.

We had family therapy wed and it was really good. We are going back Tues. We liked the opportunity to talk as a family. Our homework is to make a list of what it would take to let her back in the house, and what is going to happen if she doesn't come back.

The opinions of the counselor and therapist is that her behavior is a combination of mental health issues with substance abuse issues. You could tell she was on something at the school. She took her medication with her but she will run out and then what?

I wish I did a better job at explaining how she had empty eyes and wasn't the daughter I loved. I did not use that time at the school to get into anything with her one bit. I was there for Ella. I refused to feed into her drama- she expects me to emotionally lose it, so I restrained myself even though my heart is breaking.

Every morning I wake up and feel like the pain is so sharp I cant breathe. Every where I look in my house I see evidence of her. Now every picture is no longer decorative but an actual memory that I am forced to relive just by passing it on the wall or table. I had a decent day yesterday. Met up with friends because sometimes the loneliness is too much to bear and talking with another human helps me. Saw three different friends throughout the day and my brother was around. And I got some yard work done.... then the phone thing really hurt. I cant believe this is my life right now. She says she is an adult and is anything but an adult. She seems to be throwing away her diploma and she wont even speak to me about it.

This is a pain like no other. If I let myself dwell on it longer than a few minutes I am overcome and a sorrow so deep starts to flow from me with tears and sobs.

I never thought a month ago that it would be this way. I do not know what kind of a bottom she needs to hit- or if a bottom even exists. She does not care how many people she has hurt and I know that our relationship will never be the same way again.
__

She showed up on Friday unexpectedly after my surgery. She didnt know I was having surgery. She knocked on the door at 8am of all times when mark was trying to hook my bra cause I cant move my hand. She said "things didnt go the way she had planned". I told her I dont know how they could have gone any other way. She started to tell us that it wasnt us, that her friends were helping her. She didnt indicate she wanted to come home. It was like she was feeling things out. I was stoic, no tears no anger. Mark told her that she doesnt understand the pain she has caused so many people. I told her if she was serious about reestablishing contact then she could meet us at family therapy. She showed me she had a new phone..(I forgot to add that her old one ended up in our mailbox with a "have a blessed day" text". She had called from the new phone but it was a philadelphia number so I didnt answer. I admit, when I heard the friend had dropped off her phone I said :she can take my blessed day and shove it up her ***") Her "new " phone is borrowed, she is not paying for it. She said she starts a new job this past Sat so she would let us know her schedule for therapy. She said she is working at Shop Rite but not the one by our house which I have a hard time believing.

The very brief mention of what would happen if she came home was when I said I would want a drug test. She said she didnt understand why people thought she was using drugs and we said her behavior was so out of character and sorts that it seemed like a possibility.
She said she will graduate because she is in talks with the vp. But that same morning she never went back to school because I got the auto call. She wasnt in school yesterday cause I got the call.
I dont know how you graduate without going to school.
We asked about her meds, she said she was fine(I know they are running out). She says she is able to get therapy from her friends.

If I had to guess why she came by...she thought I would be alone, didnt know her Dad would be here and was hoping for the usually emotional pleading Sarah..which I wouldnt give her. We told her that it was time to leave and when my husband hugged her he broke down. She has broken my husband, he cried like Ive never seen. She had tears in her eyes as she left. Family Therapy was Tuesday at 7. She was a no show. Her Dad texted her at the new number telling her about it and she never answered. We didnt tell the kids she came over until closer to therapy so as not to ambush them. I think Ella took it hardest.She is angry but secretly thought she would show but she didnt. I knew she wouldnt. She was testing the waters for what I dont know but she never made contact again.

So there we are. My daughter is doing whatever she wants cause there are no rules where she is staying and we have to grieve her loss and wonder each day "is today the day she shows up?" "Is today the day we see her in public"Her Dad begged her to graduate-everything else aside.
-sweets

UPDATE:
So two weeks ago she showed up literally on her knees. She'd been kicked out of the house she was at and been homeless for a couple of days. She was crying. We let her in and she went on about how horrible she was and how she wanted to die and been off her meds. She honestly looked strung out. We decided that we couldnt let her stay out of concern for her safety and ours. Husband took her to the psyche ER and got her admitted. She's been inpatient since then. She admitted to doing drugs but wont cop to anything more than alcohol and weed. I know there has been other stuff and she forgets that she as told me in the past. We were trying to get her to try this residential duel diagnosis program so she could finish high school and at first she insisted she didnt have a problem and didnt need substance abuse treatment. Then she agreed but actually managed to do school work so she will get her diploma and therefore aged out of the program we were looking at.

She knows she isnt ready to come back here and we know we arent ready for it either. Since she has been inpatient she has been working on the substance issues and is a candadite for rehab. She is leaving for FLORIDA tomorrow. I vetted the place and so did the school so its not one of those revolving door rehab farms that are so prevalent in Florida. It will be at least 30 days and they help get her into a halfway house after. Its funny...I know in my gut she doesnt really want to move home. Despite the chaos and train wreck that things became, she really does want some kind of independence. I think she wants the benefits of a close family with the freedom of living on her own and maybe acting out was her way of escaping. From a recovery standpoint she is talking the talk, saying all the right things. But its easy to stay sober in the hospital where everything is controlled. The real world is where it gets hard.

I am trying not to get my hopes too high because it will hurt so much if they get dashed. I want her to be the woman she is supposed to be. If you have to F up, now is the time to do it before you have life responsibilities.
I want to allow myself to express love for her. I mean I love her but am so gun shy, 2 months of hell is a lot to go through not knowing if your kid is safe. I went and saw the woman who kept her because she threatened to throw her stuff in the dumpster. I bit my tongue and did so well not engaging and just got her ***** and put it in my trunk. I still need to go back one more time and then I can plot my revenge, lol JK.
I hope we are doing the right thing but we dont have much choice in it. The insurance is covering it all thank god.
Thanks to all of you for being so kind. Keep the encouraging words and thoughts coming.

Another update on Becca: I have been meaning to do this for awhile now. I am not sure what I previously shared so I hope I do not repeat myself.
Rehab- then rehab sponsored halfway house. She started working for a house cleaner under the table which I told her was a bad idea and it didnt work out. They promised her 300-400$ a week and were not giving her the hours. Its not that she didnt work hard. She sent me video of a clean out and she was literally cleaning human feces off the toilet seat. She actually liked that job but when you are under the table they can treat you like ***** and you have no recourse. Anyway...she had a boyfriend, and she knew how I felt about it. In recovery they tell you no major changes at least for the first year and that includes dating. I met the guy and to his credit he seemed nice enough and treated her well. But Becca needs to move past having a guy give her worth.

In the mean time while she was working for the cleaners she applied to get into an Oxford house- a more permanent sober home. Rent there is 145$ a week. She got recovery funding to move in, and we had to help her with the balance of her rent after two weeks. She found a job at TJMAX and wanted to work the cleaners and them but the cleaners required her to call in every night to see if she was on the schedule for the next day and the boss was wishy washy. The boyfriend broke up with her and she handled it very well. He said he was feeling codependent and I agree so he did it in the best way possible. She is doing remarkably well.

She got hired at a new conveinence store opening up called Royal Farms because of her previous Wawa experience so hopefully that starts soon. They pay more and have more hours for her.

What P*ssed me off was that Humble Beginnings (rehab place) discharged her with referrals for psyche docs and none were taking new patients or had a three month waiting list...how can someone stay sober without mental health meds? I got her old Pdoc to take her back thank god.
She got her own phone plan through walmart and buys money orders for rent- even in small amounts so she is behind but making an effort.

When she was at Humble they supposedly helped her apply for welfare but she didnt have a phone so she missed any calls for interviews. This morning super early we are going to social services so I can help advocate for her. She is really behind with her rent and she could get kicked out.

She had to stay with us for a few days before getting into the oxford house and that proved to me that unless she is homeless she could never live here. Like it or not, she has her independence and even though it was drug induced wild living in the beginning she would not be able to be accountable to mom and dad. Sober house rules are rigid and expected but having your parents ask you what you are doing is different. We decided to let her use the car we had for her. She is paying us 50$ a week to cover insurance. We thought long and hard about it but there is no way she can get to work without it, and if she cant work she cant stay at Oxford house... you get it.

It is so weird with her. Its like I am trying to get to know someone all over again. I have to check myself and not get obsessed with her drama.. I have my own. She wants to make it on her own, and she isnt asking us for money. We have offered here and there because she is trying so hard but she isnt expecting it.

The rest of the family is in limbo with her and I feel like the Becca liason. I fill everyone in on things and they ask questions but do not really talk to her themselves and I am getting a little sick of it.

I have come to learn that it doesnt matter what kind of family you have- drugs and alcohol can take you. Damn I have been sober 7 years and its nothing but AA and sobriety in our house but she was into so much that I didnt know about. So many bad and dangerous situations.

I still hold some resentment towards that awful ****** mother who let her stay with her...but I am letting that go. I am probably forgetting stuff but this is where we are.
Welfare office this morning and I hate waiting. God help my patience level.
Love you guys and thanks for your support.
So rent is 145$ a week and she is between jobs now, new one doesnt start until dec 1. You can run a balance and have to zero out by the end of the month. The more girls, the lower the rent. BUT you cant be over 300$ or they give you 48 hours to pay and she would have been at 310 tuesday. She has been making about 80 dollars at tjmax but put her two weeks in too early. She has made about 8o dollars in the last week and a half. She paid her phone bill and bought small money orders to chip away at the balance. She hasnt been eating. Took her to social services last week, got lost but its still takes 30 days. She has lost weight so I know its not bs. I told her I would ask her grandparents on her behalf to buy her some time in hopes of getting her more help. They were not too keen but agreed to do it. I told her she had to call them and did. She said the call went well. She is caught up for now. She likes where she is but gets so impulsive sometimes. I would like to find her a cheaper place but she says she doesnt want to leave. The bank of mom is closed so she might end up slugging it out but who knows. She hasnt lied but there has been omission which is like lying to me. She was invited to Thanksgiving but I do not know if she is read. Her grandparents keep talking future plans and I just told ger to put up with it. She needs to stay sober, go to meetings, support herself and stay active. That is all she is capable of doing now. Its unbearable watching her pain knowing if I rescue her all the work that we have done goes out then window. She cant come live with us and I know she doesnt want to. The upside is she has a little ceremony at the school for her actual high school diploma. She buckled down in rehab and got the work done and managed to graduate. The school is being so nice letting us come down and take a few snaps

She spent xmas with us and slept downstairs and it was weird but ok. Two tuesday's ago she left the oxford out after mahjor drama which for one wasnt her fault. She stayed two weeks. I got her an interview at one house but she poo-pooed it before she even got out of the car. So I said "ok this one isnt for you what are you doing to get somewhere else?" She found a place and moved over the course of an afternoon yesterday, no goodbye to her dad or siblings just gone. I feel a little pain all over again and do not know if I did the right thing. I wll write more soon. Thanks for reading.

[TishaBuv]

You are a very loving mother. You care so much you wrote all this out about your daughter.

If it's any consolation, I would give anything to have a mother as loving and caring as you. I wasn't that lucky to have a mother that loved me any where near as much as you love your daughter.

Your daughter is lucky to have a mother like you. Hopefully she realizes that one day.

[divine1966]

Many hugs. You are just incredible.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're a wonderful mother, sarahsweets. I'm so sorry you've been through so much I'm glad you didn't give up. I hope writing here helps a bit. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Sending many hugs to you

Hi there. I can totally and completely relate to all of this. My daughter did the same thing. Ran away at 16 and then left again for good at age 17, right before her 18th birthday. She left the state and the first time we drove nine hours to go get her back but the second time we couldn’t get her back because she turned 18 days after leaving. She spent two years not working and on drugs. She finally got a job but the partying lifestyle never really stopped. Everything you wrote here is what we experienced. More than 10 years later she has never apologized and continues to put up a wall and blame me for everything. She continues to expect that I should be financially doing much more for her all these years later. She holds a grudge against me that she has struggled but not once did she make an effort to truly help herself and I couldn’t afford to just support her and pay off all her debts... I would have done everything I could to help her if she went to college or a trade school but I didn’t see that I should support her partying lifestyle while I was working a second job just to get ahead myself. It’s a very painful thing to go through. My heart was broken and I have never been the same since. Every situation is different and hopefully your daughter comes around. I did the best I could but I know I made plenty of mistakes. Feel free to PM me anytime. I definitely understand what you’re feeling and going through.

[MickeyCheeky]

Sending many hugs to you as well, Sisabel

[Bill3]

[Mopey]

O.M.G.! SarahSweets! How perfectly AWFUL!!! ((((HUGS)))) You're in my thoughts...
and in everyone else's as well, obviously. (sorry, my Sad Hugs aren't working).

[LiteraryLark]

((SarahSweets)) I don't have any comments, but to say I read every word. I hope things work out for you and your family and your daughter.

[LeeeLeee]

What you're going through is profoundly difficult and I know it's especially difficult to see the path to balance when you're in the midst of of a hurricane.

It seems like our roles as parents is always evolving and each of you are respectively going through growing pains.

Suggestion: Make plans to get together, even if these issues aren't resolved. Going to a movies or having a potluck picnic in the park where everyone, including her, contributes something, is a good exercise but during those times, don't bring up all the issues or she'll never want to spend time with you. Talk to each other about things you're excited about and don't let it always be about the struggles and stresses.

Big hugs to you!

Lele

Hi Sarah. I do remember reading this (as you mentioned your daughter in response to my post recently, as well as the others' posts before). But I realized I haven't responded to this thread yet.

I don't think that I have enough love or grace in my heart to do what you did for your daughter. I feel like a person can only pour out so much until the pitcher is empty. I feel that you refill your pitcher by allowing others to pour in more love and encouragement into your life.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ennie

Hi Sarah. I do remember reading this (as you mentioned your daughter in response to my post recently, as well as the others' posts before). But I realized I haven't responded to this thread yet.

I don't think that I have enough love or grace in my heart to do what you did for your daughter. I feel like a person can only pour out so much until the pitcher is empty. I feel that you refill your pitcher by allowing others to pour in more love and encouragement into your life.

Mother’s life for her children is entirely different ball game than anything else

[Mopey]

How are things going with this situation, SaraSweets?

Originally Posted by divine1966

Mother’s life for her children is entirely different ball game than anything else

Yes, the amount of love is just amazing.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Mopey

How are things going with this situation, SaraSweets?

Well as good as it can I guess. She is in yet another sober house and quit her job before they fired her for absences. To be fair she got really sick twice and had notes but when you miss work it still screws over the other workers on your shift and makes things harder. I am not saying she was deathly ill but I think she is the kind of person who gets a sniffle and things its the Plague. She got another job right away and of course its all " I love my job my coworkers and boss are so nice" but that is what she said about the last one. I totaled it and she has had 8 jobs in a year! I think some of it is millennial syndrome. That sense of entitlement.
As far as 12 step meetings she is still wrapped up in NA. No offense to those it worked for but around here its a bunch of 17-25 year olds all dating and breaking up with each other. Tons of drama. A lot of people I know who tried NA and moved to AA say that AA is what keeps them sober. But that could just be regional. She keeps on dating people even though 12 step living recommends against this in early sobriety. Boy crazy almost. And I am sure that involves lots of sex. I took her to the gyn when she had her first serious boyfriend and got her the implant because I know she isnt as responsible as she could be. I just hope she uses back up protection.
Her car died last week and thank god we have AAA plus. We had it towed home 40 miles for free. Hubby changed the starter and O2 sensor but its still gave us trouble. We took it in to the shop and we are getting it fixed. 1- so she can work. If she cant work she cant pay rent and her phone bill and 2- she would get kicked out and 3- would want to move in here and we cant tolerate that now. We had her stay with us between sober houses and it was tense. Like it or not through all of this she has her own independence and being accountable to her parents cramps that style. Rules at the recovery house are easy for her to follow because I am not the one giving them and expecting the courtesy of knowing where she is and when she is coming home.
Sometimes I wonder if things will ever be better. Before she left she had "checked" out as far as the family was concerned- the minute she had a boyfriend. Once something occupies her time like that its almost like pulling teeth to get her to want to be around us.

And OMG the way she talks now.. not cursing ( I curse alot) but slang that goes beyond "fleek, extra, hype and lit." Crap I have never heard and she tells me its because she has so many "hood" friends.
I just have to put one foot in front of the other, take care of my own sobriety and pray that one day I can feel joy instead of fear when she calls.

[divine1966]

Has she ever been diagnosed with anything? I mean besides substance abuse? Some of the things you mention sound like there is more to it than just substance issue. Is she seeing a therapist? Psychiatrist? I’d also say that 8 jobs in one year isn’t a millennial thing in my experience. It sounds like she needs more professional help. Understandably there is nothing you can do. We have somewhat similar situation with one of my stepdaughters, she is older though.

[healingme4me]

Looking at the dates of this thread, I can see how I missed it. Wow. You've all been through so much as a family.
The 'hood' friends struck a cord with me. In a sense of ...gurl...don't ask for what you don't want(what I'd say to her not you)...

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Has she ever been diagnosed with anything? I mean besides substance abuse? Some of the things you mention sound like there is more to it than just substance issue.

Woops I should have shared that info. Yes, she has adhd and bipolar. She has been seeing a psychiatrist for 12 years. She has been hospitalized 4 times. She was told by the rehab/outpatient and her psychiatrist to see a therapist. I offered to show her how to find out if someone is in network but keeps skirting the issue. I handle all her other appointments/urgent care visits. I got her back to our psychiatrist after she was done with rehab although it took some convincing only because when she ran away the people she hung with convinced (a very naive and under-the-influence girl that we were drugging her for no reason and she could be free and be herself if she stopped meds. So she was a non-compliant patient.

[Mopey]

Sarahsweets you are the winner of my annual JOB award. That’s as in biblical, not employment. It’s amazing to me you can keep going at all.

One of my stepsons (now deceased) was a textbook alcoholic who started out in his teens and gave us and everyone else in the family a run for our money, but he was not quite shall we say “active” as your daughter Becca.

I’ll be sending prayers your way. Who knows? Maybe it’ll help. 😖

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Woops I should have shared that info. Yes, she has adhd and bipolar. She has been seeing a psychiatrist for 12 years. She has been hospitalized 4 times. She was told by the rehab/outpatient and her psychiatrist to see a therapist. I offered to show her how to find out if someone is in network but keeps skirting the issue. I handle all her other appointments/urgent care visits. I got her back to our psychiatrist after she was done with rehab although it took some convincing only because when she ran away the people she hung with convinced (a very naive and under-the-influence girl that we were drugging her for no reason and she could be free and be herself if she stopped meds. So she was a non-compliant patient.

Sounds like my older stepdaughter. Most family cut ties with her (my other stepdaughter doesn’t talk to her at all for years now) because there is just too much into it, including problems with the law. It’s ongoing heartbreak for my husband. She periodically says she wants to live better life, but it’s usually doesn’t last. I have high hopes for your daughter as she is still so young. Hugs

[MickeyCheeky]

You're a wonderful mother, sarahsweets Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's hard to find a mother as dedicated as you. You're a VERY strong person and I hope you'll recognize that. I'm so sorry your daughter is going through all of this. But it seems like you're doing all you can to help her. That's more than enough! Just keep helping her out, but remember that she has to take responsabilities for her own actions as well. She needs to take care of herself. You're a wonderful person! Keep being so strong. I have so much to learn from you. Thank you so much for being here. Keep doing your best. That's all you can do after all. Take care of yourself. Don't neglect yourself. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Stay strong, sarahsweets. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Try to hang on. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

[luvyrself]

You truly deserve an award for all this. I remember from childhood that my brother had a sweet friend,a boy that we all loved. Raised by the same parents, his younger sister had drug problems, a constant nightmare. I never heard of a diagnosis, that would have been the sixties but they probably would have taken her for help. We were kids so things might have been hushed up. The point I’m trying to make is that it wasn’t you. You did so much to help her and w yr own challenges were far better able to help her. Mom of the year award goes to you, lady! as Mickey said, do nice things for yrself. Hugs.

[Open Eyes]

((sarahsweets)), you sure have been challenged with this child. It's really not that she is stupid either, she has proven she "can" excel. It sounds like the main challenge is that she has both ADHD and bipolar, that in itself is a lot of restlessness in the mind.

Her moving around doesn't mean she is unhappy, it means she is unhappy being in one place too long. Usually these kind of minds do best in jobs where they travel more and get to move around from place to place more. My older brother has ADHD and he finally found that he did best with traveling sales jobs and he is constantly hoping on planes and literally moving around to see different clients. My older brother was always a challenge, had a mind of his own and would run away, was quite the adventuresome type.

Now, your daughter has had eight jobs? She gets along with people, her real problem is she gets bored, then begins looking for another job. HOWEVER, if she had a job in sales where she could visit all these places, move around to these different places where she sold them something or was some kind of supplier, she would not get so bored. Are you getting the picture here?

Running away isn't always actually running away, instead it's changing location, needing to explore, getting bored with one place routines. We tend to TRY to get people to conform to get locked into a routine or we consider them bad, yet, not all people are set up to excel and do what we think is normal for all children and young adults.

Take Robin Williams for example, he was high energy, he needed a lot of stimulation and while he would settle in one place for a bit, his desire was to move around and be busy and busy he was most of his life. These individuals "can" get into drugs, everyone knows Robin Williams used drugs and loved cocaine because often those with ADHD like drugs that are stimulants like cocaine and speed. What makes most feel like they are winding and speeding, instead often calms the ADHD down. I don't know what medication she is on, but often welbutrin helps.

Often the true challenges show up in the late teens like you have described taking place with your daughter. These children can be challenges to the best of mothers, so you can't be blaming yourself. I am sure she does love you too, but she has that restlessness in her that even SHE doesn't understand. It's really better for her if she finds something that WORKS for how she is designed to be, a busy in motion person. Hey you know, even women end up being truck drivers, not because they want to drive a truck but because they like the feeling of moving from place to place. Hey, some people joined the circus in the old days, why? Because they liked the moving around. My grandfather on my father's side was that type, he up and left and went out west, he was in a circus for a while and even drove the wellsfargo stage coach, he flew planes in both world wars, the key was "motion and moving around".

Not everyone is set up to go to work every day at the same place, it's simply not how they are set up to be. So I think it would be helpful for your daughter to learn about herself, what makes her happy and to find something she can do where she moves around and can make a living at the same time. Same thing with these fishermen, they need to get in their boats and just go, and they love that lifestyle.

It's SO IMPORTANT to understand how someone's brain is set up, some brains are the kind that are able to sit and think, while other brains need to move around. We have to understand that in our human history, human beings were actually designed and thrived, even have been genetically set up to gravitate to all different kinds of things. Hey, I would not want to go out and deal with all that weather out there on some fishing boat, not my thing, but for some they can't imagine any other kind of life, that doesn't make them bad now does it?

Something to really consider about your daughter. Something you can sit and explore together even. Better than fighting and getting all emotional about what could be HER true normal that she needs to find the right nich for. Just my two cents from reading through what you have shared of your very challenging you lady that you love and she does love you too.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Try to hang on. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

Oh yeah, that's right. Self-care is so important amidst all of these. What do you do for self-care to recharge?