My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

“That sort of feels like a form of control to me on her part....”

It is about control. It’s about her trying to get you to meet her needs in your sexual initiation routine. This is why she’s crying in frustration. You are not giving her what she wants.

Now somewhere she got in her mind, that what she is doing to you at the sink, is going to motivate you to give her what she wants, your attention. That’s why this feels like rejection to her. What she is doing is not working, obviously. She got an idea in her head that is annoying to you (and understandably) and it is not working for her.

She said she doesn’t want to be the initiator sexually, wants to take the passive role. This is where I think this conflict is coming from. Who wants to be the alpha?

I’ve had this dynamic in my dysfunction.

Hello Lying Eyes,

sorry you and your girlfriend are having this problem. You said other aspects of the relationship are good...would it be accurate to infer from that there are no other boundary issues...they pertain only to bodily autonomy and sex? Those are hugely important boundaries to be respected so I am curious if the boundary issue appears in other ways? Suggesting what you may and may not wear...or who you may and may not talk to? Or taking belongings or money without asking....taking food off your plate? Those are just random examples, boundary issues could present in many different ways.

If you feel that it pertains to your body and sex specifically, you can try saying something like:
"I love you and it is wonderful to know that you are attracted to me and want to be close. I also want to show my attraction and be close. There are many ways to do that. We each bring our own ideas and feelings to the relationship and I think that is beautiful. We also need to each respect the other's needs and feelings. When I indicate to you that I don't want you to________ and you do it anyway, I feel unsafe and disrespected. If a man walked into our living room one day and suddenly grabbed your ________, how would you feel? I don't think you'd like it. That's not just because he's a stranger, it's because he did not have consent to touch you and he violated your bodily autonomy. Partners need to honor each other's bodily autonomy just as much as strangers do. Have you ever heard pregnant women complaining about strangers stroking their bump? It's the same issue, nobody should touch them without consent. Being very obviously pregnant does not negate the need for consent."

If you feel strongly that the two of you are both willing to work on this, you could certainly talk through the issues with an experienced therapist. I'm just concerned that you already had the dialogue with her and she doesn't seem to be respecting your wishes. That's a serious issue. In my opinion, the reason she's not respecting your boundaries is less relevant than the fact that she's violating your wishes. The underlying reason would be for her to figure out with a therapist if she actually wanted to. I don't get a sense that she's taking ownership. The crying response sounds manipulative though obviously I don't know you gf. For you, you simply need her to comply with your wishes. If she will not comply, I would recommend you step back and take time to think things over by yourself. If I met someone who seemed great in every other regard except that they didn't respect my bodily autonomy, I'd be thinking perhaps they weren't so great after all.

Feel free to share more. I wish you peace.

I think you may feel like you're being hypersexualized in non-sexual situations. Your GF needs to respect your boundaries. Just because she's your GF doesn't mean she owns your body or has unrestricted access to it.

She needs to respect your boundaries. She seems to want a relationship where she can touch you how she wants, but she needs your consent. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. She should listen to you and pay attention to what is upsetting you.

What if you reach an agreement where she asks for consent before grabbing you? It seems like she values the spontaneity and casual behavior of grabbing you. I think her idea of intimacy is different from your idea.

I'm coming to this late, and am certainly NOT an authority about relationships.
But this thread made me thoughtful about intimacy - different styles of intimacy and of making bridges and connections.
I wondered whether going at this sideways, by developing other forms of intimacy: gazing, holding hands, massage, dancing together - I wondered whether developing other bridges might divert whatever your partners is going after and make this less hurtful?

Talking is great but it tends to dissect, and some people have a resistance to dissection and need in-between languages to feel comforted.

You have got me reflecting on my own habits about intimacy here, and how to express that with people who may likely have different habitual patterns. Thank you.

PS What does "Lying Eyes" mean: are you teasing us ?

Just explain it the way you're explaining it here. I'm sure if she loves you, she'll understand.

I've been like your girlfriend in a situation before lol. I was dating a guy, and would be sexually playful in public places, like the gym. I would pat him on the ***, or say things like "I'm gonna squat like this on you later." I thought I was being fun and sexy but he said he likes gestures like that to be private. I understood but unfortunately it was just one of the many clues that we just weren't compatible. You girls sound like you're in a much better situation than us though, so see what you can do to make it better.