My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

TL/DR: I don't like my *** and breasts and crotch touched outside of sex, GF is sad about this cause it makes our relationship seem too platonic. She's scared of initiating sex because she doesn't want to touch me wrong.

That is, I don't like it when we're hanging out/chilling/I'm cooking/getting dressed and she :grabs or smacks my ***, plays with my boobs, or grabs my crotch. I just don't like it, ever. I don't like my sexual body parts being messed with when I'm relaxing, I find it invasive, annoying, and frustrating. I'm very sensitive and easily aroused, and I dislike feeling that way when I'm not going to get any fulfillment.

This is upsetting to her. She feels as if the relationship is too platonic, and she is afraid to initiate sex because she's afraid to touch me in a way I dislike. I get this, but I've told her many times I like it when she kisses me and then moves to other body parts--I just don't like being touched sexually OUTSIDE OF SEX. The irony is that when we do have sex, she barely touches me. She doesn't grab my *** or my breasts, she really just wants to go down on me and focus on that area. I'm confused. I told her this, and that I wanted her to touch me more during sex, and she said she would but that it wouldn't make her feel any better about not being able to touch me when we're just hanging out.

She's frequently upset about this--if she tries to touch my *** and I move away, it can trigger tears because she wishes she could touch me. I understand that for her it isn't just about sex, it's a way of showing affection to her. But I'd rather cuddle and kiss.

This is emotionally difficult for her, and while I can't really relate, I understand this. I want to help make her feel better, but I'm not willing to let go of my boundaries and make myself uncomfortable. I asked her if this was a deal breaker, and she said "I guess not, but it makes me sad all the time".

Advice?

I'd like to add: I do like sex. And I love to cuddle. And I have talked to her about all of this but she feels like there's nothing to be done.
Also: We've been together for over a year.

I understand. Most men do not like this either because it shows her as the dominate partner. Stick to your guns. Be nice about it. But I'd tell her straight up "Are you trying to show your dominance to me?, I'm not interested in that." She may not even know that that is what she's actually doing.

This scenario is similar to the hell I’m in for 25 years. You question if this is a deal breaker. This has me pondering what ‘the deal’ even is. WTH deal have I gotten? If you have a good relationship, this is a minor thing that resolves itself and doesn’t get worse, then I’d say you have a good deal.

I don’t think your expectations are unreasonable. I’d very much dislike my butt smacked or my private parts and boobs grabbed while I am cooking or doing other routine stuff. My husband would end up with black eye if he forced these kind of things on me. I think if after spoken to she continues asserting herself this way, it would be a deal breaker for me

I’m not impressed with her claim that she is afraid to initiate sex.

There are ways to express an interest in having sex other than what she is doing.

Gentler, more romantic, more exciting, more loving ways.

She should use them.

I’m not impressed either with her tears over not being able to invade your private areas whenever she wants to.

You might want to look into emotional blackmail. Maybe not intentionally, but in what she says about being afraid to initiate sex, and in what she says about invading your private areas, she seems to be attempting to make you suffer emotionally for not complying with her demands.

Are you experiencing her side of the issue or mine? How have you guys been coping?

Yeah. She has stopped because I told her to, but seems unhappy about it. A bit hurt about it--but I am much happier now. I just don't know what to do about her hurt feelings--I dont want it to be like this forever.

Yeah, I've told her I enjoy things like kissing before sex, touching other parts of my body that are less sensitive, etc... I think she just wants to be able to touch freely without worrying about me being uncomfortable? I want to add that I don't want to make her into the villain here--she is complying with what I'm saying, but is obviously hurt about it...and I don't think she has any bad intentions, it's just one way she shows affection that is important to her...

I am a very assertive person, and I think she's nervous about making me angry at her, as she hates conflict. Whenever I talk to her about this, she thinks there's no way to solve the issue. She agreed that she would try to help me think of some kind of compromise that makes both of us feel better, but I have no idea what that would be.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, LyingEyes I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice on this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I do believe you have every right to have your boundaries respected. I'm so sorry she's feeling hurt, but it's not your fault. You have every right to be comfortable as well. Hopefully she'll understand. Just try to see how things go. If she still feels sad all the time because of this, I believe you need to seriously reconsider this relationship you have with him. I agree it wouldn't be a deal breaker, normally, but from what you wrote, it seems like it may be for her. I believe she needs to be honest about this. Wait a while and see how it goes. If her behavior continues, I'd suggest to talk to her about this and see how it goes from there. I hope things will get better soon for both of you. Please remember that it's not your fault. You did the right thing! Please remember that. Your boundaries are important. You self-care is important. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, LyingEyes. You're a strong, wonderful person. Please remember that. You can do this! I believe in you. You're strong. We all believe in you. We're all rooting for you. Keep fighting! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. Please don't give up

There doesn't seem to be a reasonable compromise to be made in your situation? Like you stated, what would it be?

I have a hard time understanding her hurt feelings. She needs to respect and appreciate your boundaries and sentiments. And it seems as though you totally enjoy intimacy with her otherwise.

I'm in agreement with Bill3 on this. To me, she is not fully respecting your personal boundaries and desires, even though she is complying with them. She seems to want what she wants which IS invasive. It does seem a bit manipulative on her part to tell you that she's hurt & to say that she's afraid to initiate sex because of you possibly disliking whatever she is doing, despite your obvious enjoyment of it.

Her hurt feelings are not your responsibility, in my opinion. That's a burden on you to take care of her emotional needs when you're drawing a boundary to take care of yours. And you're happier. That's what she should focus on.

Something seems off about this, but I cannot pinpoint what it is.

How old is your girlfriend? I just realized that you are very young. 20-21? Is she older? How is your relationship otherwise? What do you two do together besides sex?

It’s an issue of what you both want your sexuality to be like. She has a deep need for the way she wants it. Her need is annoying to you (I don’t blame you! I’d hate what you described at the sink.). So you both have to find some compromise, or it will be a deal breaker.

In my issue, he has always been receptive and agreed to what I need. The only problem is he just won’t act upon it. Frustrating and futile. We must be codependent.

But your relationship is new and you are very young. You are just learning about what you need and like, too.

Yeah. I have a very hard time understanding why it's so devastating to her. I know she wants to put her hands on my breasts and whatever often, and I get that it may be kind of annoying that she can't, but all the tears confuse me. She said this morning that she wants to feel "close" to me but we were like snuggling when she said that and I was like, what?? We are close. Why does her hand need to be on my crotch or breasts for us to be close? I snuggle with her all the time...I wish I could understand exactly why it is so important to her.

She's 24, I'm 20. We live together, and have for about eight months... Have been together for about a year and a half. We love each other a ton and do lots of stuff together: go out on dinner dates, out with each other's friends, see music together, shop, etc...Just live life I suppose. I love spending time with her; we are each other's favorite person. And I can say that honestly from both sides. I know how much she genuinely cares for me, and she has never once said anything hurtful to me...Just a very caring relationship overall.

Sorry to hear that! It sounds frustrating... I suppose it could be a habit he is having a hard time breaking.
And yes, she does, but I am the type of person that needs space, and I'm not afraid to assert that. That, and my body is sensitive.

That sort of feels like a form of control to me on her part..... I still cannot put my finger on it. Does she have trouble with boundaries in general and respecting your privacy or private time? Do you take any private time to yourself? To see your own friends for example or to do your own activities without her?

It does sound like she has trouble understanding and appreciating boundaries. Anyone who DOES understand personal boundaries wouldn't be so hurt by this, or in tears. It also seems very contradictory to be in tears about it when you are snuggling and cuddling being close.

I wonder if you could have a candid heart to heart with her about why it is so important to her? To hear her out and also to express to her why it's so important to you that she not touch you when you don't want to be touched? Perhaps you need to really talk it out more and hear each other's sides so as to come to more of an understanding together?

Haha, if you do put your finger on it, let me know! I'd love your insight. I do think she has some boundary issues, and I believe it's because her last girlfriend had low self esteem and pretty much did whatever she (my gf) wanted. That's the impression I got--I can't be sure. However, I am NOT like that one bit, and she seemed shocked by how stubborn I am about my boundaries. Lol.

I try often to have conversations with her about it, but she is not a very effective communicator. I generally have to breach the subject and then ask her very specific questions. It's really rare for her to just voice her mind without being prompted. I've asked her why she thinks it's so important, and she either shrugs, says that the relationship feels 'too platonic' without it, or that it just bothers her that she 'cant touch and be close to me'.

LOL. Well, I do suspect this has to do with a general lack of boundaries, or respect for personal boundaries. She may not understand what that means within a relationship.

It just seems SO odd for her to feel that she is not close with you when she IS in fact close with you and cuddling. And that you want intimacy and enjoy it. It doesn't add up -- her feelings that is.

It's like she wants her way with you whenever SHE wants, and not according to what you want. Something is really off to me about that.

I know you said you are each other's favorite company and everything else is great, which is what seems so odd about this one aspect. There's a lack of respect going on here. Almost like she feels a sense of entitlement to YOUR body.

It bothers me that she apparently is willfully misstating what you are saying.

It doesn't sound like you're being so stubborn about your boundaries, in my opinion, just that you have healthy boundaries. She sounds like the stubborn one.

You gave a lot of good information in this post in my opinion. It sounds like she's used to getting her way. Were her parents like that too? Did they let her do whatever she wanted? Regardless, it sounds like she walked all over her previous gf, at least, that's the impression you got. You don't sound sure though. I wonder why?

What other people are saying here sounds correct. It sounds like she has an issue with boundaries. I hope you keep sticking to your boundaries.

Good post, Have Hope! I agree with your insights!

Yes, I get the feeling of entitlement too. Maybe possessiveness? I really don't know. To me, it is strange, because if she told me that touching her in some way made her uncomfortable i wouldn't want to touch her like that...because I don't want to make her uncomfortable. I'm trying to like pick her brain to understand what underlying meaning it has for her. I don't want her to feel rejected, or like she has to be on eggshells around me.

I don't think she grew up with a lot of rules, but she's such a mellow person she never really acted out anyways. I didn't mean to make it sound like she walked all over her girlfriend...really I don't have much insight into that relationship. I just know that her previous gf was insecure, and that she was apparently able to touch her without the issues she's currently having with me. She told me that she was the more dominant person in her last relationship. I found this surprising because, outside of bed (and, honestly, it it most of the time), my gf is very passive. I am always the one pushing for things and making decisions. I wonder if she's having difficulty relinquishing some of that previous control, and this is the thing she struggles with most?

To be clear, I do not strive to be the dominant one in this relationship, but I am more forward and I think that's kind of the path it's taken. I am also a better communicator, and I think that gives me another element of control, because I am able to set boundaries and voice my opinions more effectively. Just some extra thoughts...

Thanks for your thoughts, LyingEyes. Thanks for clarifying, too.

Question. Is she saying to you things like "my previous girlfriend let me touch her like that, why not you?" Apologies if you have already talked about that in this thread and I missed it.

Hey no worries! I don't think I mentioned it. Not, she doesn't say things like this. I asked her if her last gf was ok with it so that I could try and understand the situation better.

I think you have a right to say when you would like to be touched. I am confused by her tears because its not like you never want to be touched, you just dont want to be grabbed whenever.

I thought you made a really valuable insight here, which I bolded. You wouldn't do this yourself because you're sensitive to how she would feel about it. It doesn't seem that she disrespects you otherwise, but it feels to me like she's disregarding your own feelings?

She's taking it as a rejection, but it's not. And she feels entitled to your body without any boundaries being established. I don't know if it's a need for some control or dominance because she's more passive? You mentioned possessiveness.. is she overly possessive of you otherwise?

I guess we could sit here and analyze it to death and still not have the real answers. But I think you're onto something here. There's something going on where she's not respecting or valuing your feelings enough, I believe.

You probably wouldn't cry if she put up the same type of boundary telling you it makes you uncomfortable, nor would I. It feels very one-sided, this aspect of things, like she's only considering her feelings and not yours.