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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#1
I've written before about being ghosted by one online friend, which hurt a LOT.
I have another online girlfriend, with whom I've been writing back and forth for a couple years. I would consider us close, but I've noticed that whenever she gets depressed (she has severe periodic depression), she withdraws entirely or if she does write to me, she becomes very self-centered. It becomes all about her, and I honestly cannot stand it. Does depression make people self-absorbed? I don't judge at all because I've had my fair share of depression here and there, but I don't recall ever withdrawing from friendships or becoming self-absorbed. I've also noticed that it tends to be mainly about her even when she's not depressed. I tend to do most of the supporting. Maybe she's just self-absorbed in general? My main point is that I keep getting disappointed by my online friendships. Not all of course, but a few. Maybe I should be pickier about my friendships? It's her turn to write back. Lately, I've been reaching out to her after a few weeks of not talking, even when it's her turn to write next. I've now become hesitant to write her at all. It's just disappointing. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Anonymous48672, Anonymous55879, eclairparty98, Fuzzybear, MickeyCheeky, unaluna
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MickeyCheeky
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#2
I have to admit I don’t have patience with maintaining friendships with people I don’t see on a regular basis. I’ve been always this way, I had people get upset with me over it but I just don’t have it in me. If I can’t see people (not talking about family) I have hard time keeping up friendship. I do keep in touch with college friend and two childhood friends, those are life long connections and we live very far to see each other but other than that if I don’t see people, I just don’t have it in me to keep up.
For me few weeks of not talking to someone I am only friends with online would be nothing. I’d say it’s very frequent communication. Do you know this person in real life? If not, I’d say this is way more often than I’d even hope to talk to people. What’s your definition of friendship? Could it be that other people don’t have the same definition of it? |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, unaluna, WishfulThinker66
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#3
Well, she and I have talked about very intimate details of our lives over the years. And it’s probably more like three years that I’ve known her. We’ve talked on the phone too for several hours. She writes and she sends me her work to read. So yes I call her a friend just as I would any other girlfriend. We don’t see each other in person but it very much mirrors a real friendship minus the in person meetings.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#4
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You are a giver and you probably started noticing that not everyone is that way and several friendships seem to end or dwindle recently because other people just aren’t as devoted to others or are not as loyal as you. You mentioned everything is about this woman at times so maybe she isn’t contacting you because she is not in need at the moment. I am sorry you are in this situation. Can you tell her how you feel? |
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MickeyCheeky
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Have Hope, MickeyCheeky
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Wise Elder
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#5
Quote:
Thank you, Divine. Yes, I probably am too nice. I am definitely a giver in my relationships and yes, to my own detriment. I need to find people who give and take, and who don't just take. Yes, she probably doesn't need me right now and that's why she hasn't written. Sad. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#6
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For me there can be practical reasons such as, I am literally just too busy to maintain a long conversation and also, sometimes, after getting to know someone better I realize I am just not compatible with them. Personally lately I have been pulling back. The first time my gut tells me I am in a user situation, I just drop and run. 99% of my online relationships have either been users or people that I had to drop because once I got to know them, really know them, they weren't like me at all. |
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MickeyCheeky
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Have Hope, MickeyCheeky
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#7
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I have never ghosted someone. I wanted to with one online friend, but then she stopped writing to me and that was that. I was relieved. Maybe I should stop making online friends, but I meet people, we seem to click, then we start talking. It just happens. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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#8
I’d focus on making friends in real life although that’s a challenge too. One thing is to keep in touch with old friends who moved away, but if you never met, it’s much harder to maintain anything for too long. You can’t truly know someone if you never met. Maybe those online connections meant to be for the time being, not forever
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MickeyCheeky
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Have Hope, MickeyCheeky, WishfulThinker66
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#9
@Have Hope
I think you need a healthy balance between real and online friends (only if online friends are your thing). Personal, real life interaction is very important for any relationship for the most part. I have very, very few online friends that I regularly keep in contact with. One reason is I'm very private, another is once I was badly hurt and it occupied way too much headspace trying to go over what I did or didnt do and if I could have done differently. Feeling hurt then angry and resentful took up too much energy. There's something about the nature of the internet that makes it easy to ignore, and hurt people. The fact that their PC has an off switch seems to get carried over into online relationships and being cruel is "easier". I have a lot of real life friends and am very social. And they are healthy, positive friends- no takers or selfish ones. I have two best friends. I guess you could say I am very selective with whom I correspond with. All of them are women. I am married and I know I would never cheat but I do not want to become emotionally wrapped up in anyway with another man and I wouldnt want to make my husband uncomfortable. Re: depression and selfishness- I think being in the throws of a horrible depression automatically makes you self centered. Not selfish in the negative but wrapped up with, consumed with, always thinking about yourself. How could you not? No judgement from me because I have been exactly that at times. __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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MickeyCheeky
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Have Hope, MickeyCheeky
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#10
Since first coming to PC in January 2016, I have found myself getting to absorbed with PC (either sharing TMI about my life or becoming attached to people). I have made the decision that I need to post and PM less because a lot is going on in my life right now. I am trying to put myself in a better situation financially (I need to concentrate on work) plus my personal life is a mess and I need to resolve this with them rather than posting so many details about the REAL LIFE people I love. There are SO SO many reasons that people post and message less. With online friends, it is IMPOSSIBLE to know everything that is going on with them. A mean, it is hard enough in real life to be real, authentic and true to yourself and others. You have to have low expectations or you will eventually get disappointed.
And I want to add that an online friend is a lot like reading a fiction novel for me. I imagine a lot about how everyone looks and acts in real life but I am probably so wrong about so much of it. Last edited by Anonymous55879; Apr 10, 2019 at 09:20 AM.. |
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MickeyCheeky
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Have Hope, MickeyCheeky
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#11
I feel like there is a difference between a friend, who you sometimes see IRL and a pen pal or someone you only talk to on the phone. To me, something about the face to face connection IRL, sharing some experience together, is what makes a bond of real friendship.
While you do feel like only online people are friends, there’s something not solid in it due to the lack of face to face, IMHO, at least that’s how I feel. On here, we are friends in the capacity of a support group, helping each other manage our real lives. Some here have become friends IRL, which means they got together in person. This solidifies something in my mind to the level of true friendship. If you were only online friends for years, you both could have made plans and seen each other IRL. I would have wanted to do that. Maybe you tried but money or time was an issue. That’s my two cents for what it’s worth. Also, IME, when someone’s depressed, they are focused on the issue that is getting them down. They may want to talk about it or not. Maybe someone with depression doesn’t particularly have an issue but just depression. In my case, it is an issue that I obsess over and probably am extremely self absorbed. It’s important for anyone who wants to keep a friend to not overwhelm them with our stuff and talk about their stuff in reciprocation and to show we care about them. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#12
Thank you all for your replies! I’d like to reply individually but I don’t have the time right now.
In sum, I do have a balance between my online and offline friendships, however, for those of us who are middle aged, as you must know it becomes harder to see people. Many friends are married with kids, or traveling for business or just plain out of state and too far away. I do get out and socialize every week with friends. I have a large circle of IRL people that I see almost weekly. I just met or mingled into this circle in the last year, so I’m not that close with anyone yet. But I also have several long time friends that I rarely get to see due to circumstances and life. I disagree that online friendships are not real friendships, though I agree it can be easier to ghost and/or be meaner because you don’t have the face to face. Over recent years I’ve become involved in online forums, hence the online friendships. They’re kind of new to me in a way. So I’m figuring them out as I go along. When I was single, I was a lot more socially active. Now that I’m coupled up I’m very content and happy to stay at home snuggled with my partner. We are doing this more often together, though we still get out and socialize. So I hope that explains things a bit more. I think this one woman I’m talking about is just more self absorbed in general and leans on me for support when needed. I’ve told her in the past that it felt more one sided. She didn’t agree or see my point. I may just back away from her. I think I will. It’s not serving much purpose in my life anymore. Or I’m giving a lot more than I get back. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Anonymous48672
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#13
Online friendships involve people, that is other imperfect beings just like we are. There are going to be good ones and there are going to be disappointing ones, it has little to do with them being online in most cases, it's just that with every friendship, online or IRL, it's a risk that some of the people will not meet the standards we require in a friendship.
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Have Hope, Iloivar
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#14
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#15
I agree that it can be easier for some to ghost and/or be meaner online.. I wonder, would they be like that in real life. It’s easy to hide behind a screen and not be sincere
I also feel that online friends are real friends ... I’ve got to know some genuinely wonderful people online who I know wouldn’t turn on a dime... but some are so self absorbed and don’t care much ... a lack of empathy. I’m sorry you’ve been disappointed __________________ |
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Magnate
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#16
I would never for the life of me be drawn into relying on an internet based relationship. Acquaintances are one thing but a close friendship? Not in the cards. Now I know I don't speak for many, I realise this but my point of view is that you just can't completely know and trust who is at the other end. People will colour themselves into the personality they want others to see - and leave out a great deal of pertinent information regarding what they don't want people to know. I operate on the notion that you can guarantee that someone you know only on the internet you really don't know at all. I think it fair to say that everyone should take warning and not allow themselves to be drawn in and get overly close to a person they don't actually know at all. By heeding such advice, when that disappointment happens - and it will happen - it shouldn't have much impact at all.
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#17
Quote:
2. Your friend is really self-centered in real life. People are the same online as they are offline. That is my personal experience with online friendships. 3. Depression is one of those mental illnesses that promotes self-centered coping skills with people, who are neurotic already. I suffer from severe anxiety sometimes, and have been called self-centered a few times in my life. My theory is, underneath someone's self-centered behavior, is someone who feels flawed, unworthy and emotionally vulnerable to others. Sometimes, I think that's how I feel underneath my anxiety -- I worry that people will take advantage of me if I let my guard down. BUT.... People can still be a**holes despite their depression. I'm not an a**hole. I'm not saying your friend is an a**hole. But, you've clearly shown her that you support her during her tough times and she responds by ignoring you. That's not a friendship I'd keep. But, that's just me. It sounds very one-sided: you do all the footwork, reaching out, responding, and she responds tepidly when/if she feels like it. Oh, I've had a few of those doozies myself -- one sided friendships are awful. Just awful. If your gut's telling you to pull away from her then I'd follow your gut. The gut's never wrong. Like, never wrong. Sorry this happened to you. But sometimes we find out who our real friends are, and it's hurtful when their real intentions with us turn out not to be good ones. |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#18
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Thank you Fuzzy! I'm with you entirely! I've met some wonderful people online as well... and they wouldn't turn on a dime either. Yet, some do, just as you said. I definitely feel that some are real friends. How can they not be when you share intimate details of your life with them? That's how I feel. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,125
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#19
Quote:
Thank you so much. Yes one-sided friendships are truly awful. I think you're right. I must pull away. What am I getting out of it except upset? It's dragging me down and is not enhancing my life anymore. And yes, I believe she must be self-centered offline as well. It's really too bad and unfortunate. She does have her nice qualities. I'm so sorry those women treated you so poorly. That's just plain rotten human behavior in action. Terrible. It's a reflection on them, not on you. Thank you for relating to my sentiments and experiences. I appreciate it! __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,125
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#20
Quote:
I understand where you're coming from, though my experience has been very different. I've become close to several people online over the years... sharing the most intimate of life details. That to me has been true and deep. Although I've been disappointed even still. But you make a good & valid point. Thank you. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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WishfulThinker66
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