Disappointed by a Few Online Friendships

I do not think you are wrong about how you understand online friendship. It’s just others might not see it that way. It’s not right or wrong. And it’s understndable to expect decent treatment. For example if I decide to get off PC permanently or temporarily, I’d inform few people I talk to on here in PM. I’d not just vanish. So if people take a break from online communication, they better tell whoever they communicate with that they are too busy etc

I tend to stick to one main friendship, but then in a situation like you described, op, sometimes I feel like I am too dependent on this one person and too much impacted by their quirks. Lately I have tried to build a few more relationships so if one person isn’t responding or is frustrating me with their behavior, I can contact the other person/people. But then it gets more complicated keeping up .
One thing I have found most difficult about online friendships that some people have so many that they really aren’t as attentive to me,. That is,they are using the quantity rather than quality approach with friendships.I know one person who doesn’t even answer all his emails, tho he works such long hours overseas in Iraq where he has to fight the isolation that sometimes I feel OK about this.

I think a lot of people that ghost are just dealing with their own challenges and they genuinely don't feel social or may not feel like connecting and don't have the ability to think about others as much.

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My main point is that I keep getting disappointed by my online friendships. Not all of course, but a few. Maybe I should be pickier about my friendships?

Sometimes we can set our expectations too high on others....sometimes we expect them to respond like us when in reality they are themselves with their own way of handling things.

Neither is right or wrong but it is personal behaviors. Any time we set expectations that aren't met we get disappointed. Over the years I have learned to just accept what happens & deal with it in the way my gut feeling leads.

I think even without setting expectations, there's nothing you can do to control another person's response to your actions. Literally, nothing you can do. I have to disagree with you that having expectations is wrong. It's actually good to have set expectations. That's the way you set boundaries with people. If people don't know what your boundaries are -- expectations, standards -- then, their behavior can really hurt you. That's why it's imperative to set expectations with people you met online or in person through clear communication with each other.

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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche I think even without setting expectations, there's nothing you can do to control another person's response to your actions. Literally, nothing you can do. I have to disagree with you that having expectations is wrong. It's actually good to have set expectations. That's the way you set boundaries with people. If people don't know what your boundaries are -- expectations, standards -- then, their behavior can really hurt you. That's why it's imperative to set expectations with people you met online or in person through clear communication with each other.

I set my boundaries on my needs not expectations I have of orhers. Difference may just be semantics.

I can clearly communicate what I need from someone but that is not necessarily an expectation of them as they can clearly comply or not with what I need. I HOPE they will but I do not expect it.

I do have standards and expectations. And because of that people disappoint me.

Settling is the worst thing to do when it comes to relationships, even friendships. Yes, people can disappoint us when we communicate our needs and expectations to them. But, that just means (to me, anyway) that those people refuse to respect my needs and expectations. Why would I want to be friends with someone who doesn't respect me? Does that make sense?

People who tell you to lower your expectations so you'll be happier, are wrong. They're basically telling you to compromise yourself to please others, when they tell you to lower your expectations. Um, I won't do that. Why should you?

You know who you are, what you like, what you want from your friendships. I think setting expectations eliminates stress for both friends. You know if your compatible based on what your expectations of each other are. If you don't share the same expectations, how can the friendship work at all?

I mean, teachers set expectations for students, bosses set expectations for their staff, parents set expectations for their children. It's not so much to control, but to communicate "these are my needs, and this is what I need you to do to fulfill those needs." Does that make sense?

I love this post! Thank you! Yes, it makes perfect sense! I would never lower my expectations of people. I expect what I expect, and if I'm not happy, I definitely will not lower my standards.... I've never settled in my life, and never will.

HUGS!

This kind of hits a note with me too because I feel like if the world was expected to be more considerate and held to higher standards I wouldn't have the problems I do. I feel like I was trained from a young age to be well mannered and a "gentlewoman" to use the old age terminology and I get stick to death of hearing I should just let less than that get away with things.

However, I have a friend who is an extrovert and straight up truly isn't this way and doesn't seem to get upset at whatever other people do... just rolls right off his back. In a way I resent him but recognize that everyone is different about their expectations.

I just wish I could move to high standard world.

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Why would I want to be friends with someone who doesn't respect me? Does that make sense?

I don't remain friends with them usually.....but it is NOT because they DIDN'T MEET my expectations it is because they DISRESPECTED MY boundaries.

Expectations are what we place on others behaviors....BOUNDARIES are our OWN limits of what we are willing to tolerate. If one cannot tolerate then there is NO WAY to have a friendship. This is how I observe how it works FOR ME.

I think I agree with this. But honestly I’m not sure of much right now.

I try to communicate honestly and kindly with people. I don’t always (or even ever) tell them what I need from them. Other than with a very few close friends, This is maybe where I have been going wrong.

And I make mistakes. The maternal unit said I was “always” making mistakes. Maybe I did make a lot of mistakes. So did she,.............. I wish I could have a make over.. I wish I could rid myself of all my “flaws” like being “needy” etc. All I can do is try to be the best bear I can be each day. If someone thinks I’m a “bad” person then I have to cut all contact with them for my safety.

Respect and love to all in this thread.

I agree that boundaries are very important. If for example I had a good friend online who I was emailing with every day or every few days and they said something I found hurtful... how would I deal with that?

I hope I would step back, think about it for a while and then respond kindly but clearly explain that I felt hurt by something they had said, and why.

I also would say something like

“I felt hurt by something you said and I’ve been thinking about how to tell you, I appreciate our friendship...”

And go from there

Not “you hurt me. I’m so angry. You’re very rude..”

I’m guessing people in this thread know this already, they are just my thoughts. Thanks for this thread, I’m going to go back and read it more carefully hopefully.

Communication is not the easiest soil.

Hugs to all

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I try to communicate honestly and kindly with people. I don’t always (or even ever) tell them what I need from them. Other than with a very few close friends, This is maybe where I have been going wrong.

Fuzzy.....I usually don't tell people what I need either. Basically I just observe & try to connect with people. I want them to be themselves without having stated expectations or boundaries. If a problem does come up ONLY then will I communicate the problem & what I see needs to be addressed....then discuss it. Otherwise the other person may just constantly wonder if they are pleasing me. What a horrible stress that would be on a friendship. If it turns out thst there are too many problems constantly occuring in a relationship then I have to decide whether it is worth continuing, whether to distance or end the relationship totally.

No you are not doing it wrong

Thanks Eskie, this is what I also try to do.

Healthy boundaries are when you value your own opinion, won't compromise your values for others, share personal information in an appropriate way (don't under or over share), know what your personal wants and needs are, and you're able to communicate those openly and clearly, accept when someone rejects you (you feel hurt, but you understand and accept it).

Porous boundaries are when you under or over share information, can't say "no" to anyone, are over-involved with everyone else's problems trying to fix them, your self-image is dependent on what others say to you, you put up with abuse and disrespect and make excuses for it, and you fear rejection if you don't comply with what other people expect from you or tell you do to.

Rigid boundaries are when you refuse to share any information about yourself with anyone, when you avoid having close friendships or close romantic relationships, only have a few close relationships, very protective of your private life and don't like others knowing anything personal about you, come across detached and unemotional, keeps a distance emotionally to avoid being rejected.

I think everyone is a mix of the above types of 3 boundaries. I just wanted to share that because I feel like it's relevant to this thread's conversation.

Signs Your Boundaries Are Too Loose or Too Rigid

That's a great way to handle it!

Thank you so much for this! I think I am in the healthy boundaries category, but sometimes I wander into the porous boundaries. This is great info!!

This stood out to me, in regards to things 'rolling off backs'. IRL, I am that type where things don't seem to phase me. I'm calm in what seems like an emergency. For me, it's a lifetime of some type of internal defensive mechanism. It's a coping skill created through much hurt feelings through the years and whatever else lays beneath the surface of my life story.

Ideally, I would explain myself, and depending on their response, you can give them a second chance to change the nature of the relationship, or just have further confirmation that you've made the right choice. Not that you need any. You seem fairly confident in your decision and you also did mention this behavior of hers with her before, but I assume she doesn't know how much it's truly impacting the friendship? If so, that's why I think being straightforward and her knowing the extent of how the relationship dynamic affects how you feel about wanting to discontinue the friendship, might get her to reflect or even want to change her behaviour.

From personal experience though, I find it difficult to be forward with issues i have with others in fear of conflict.

Otherwise. You dont owe them an explanation. But it might be the more considerate and harder thing to do.

See I am calm in an emergency situation... type of thing.

But when someone does me wrong.. it seems I see it.

While my friend like actually doesn't see that someone did him wrong. It is like he sees the behavior but doesn't see it as a slight against him.

I can't tell if he has the problem or I do. But I think I do.

It is funny I have had a lifetime of hurt starting from when I was a kid and my friend hasn't. So you might think it would be the other way around. But because he has never really had people be cruddy to him he doesn't see when people are being cruddy. While I have had a life time of it so I see it immediately.

Thank you for this! I’m not going to say anything. We’ve discussed it once before and she went into denial. I think I just won’t contact her and will let her contact me if she wants to.

I can see why it would be troublesome that your friend would not acknowledge bad behavior. I don't let it slide, per se. I do try to not let it eat me up in the moment. One example came to mind after posting this, the other day is something my oldest son said to his friends one night when I was driving the group of them somewhere. His friend commented, 'Your mom let's you listen to this [Music]? And my son began with , "Oh she doesn't care". And then added without any prodding..."it's not that she doesn't care, it's that she actually likes this[music]."

It was a profound, for me, moment. It's not that I don't care or that I condone bad behaviors or anything. I will distance myself at the appropriate moments or speak up for myself at the appropriate moments.

I just had a work moment in the middle of a meeting where someone created a most awkward moment because she began to whine or whatever that is where she wasn't getting her way due to her own neglect to details and was pushing it off in my direction and scuttlebutt had it that my calm was the right way to go. I'm not a mind reader and have my own work to worry about and not having time to even begin to correct the errors continuously of others. And it literally reminded me of my mom calling my grandmother to convince my grandmother to convince me to do something my mom's way. I wasn't having any of that then either. I was 32.

I am tempted to reach out to this girlfriend I've been talking about on here, the one I think who is self-centered. I guess I am hoping someone here will stop me.

I am home alone on a day off with not much to do except my taxes. I like connecting with people. It's not for a lack of connection. I was with a bunch of my friends IRL yesterday. I guess it's that I am alone at home. I am also guessing because she's depressed, she's not reaching out and that perhaps I should reach out to her to see if she's Ok.

Maybe I am a co-dependent. I don't know. I hate mental health labels. But if I do reach out, I suppose I am enabling this one-sided friendship even further, whereby I am still supporting her mostly and not getting much in return.. feeding into her self-centeredness.

Maybe I just need to keep busy today instead.

I don't think checking to see if she's ok is necessarily enabling. You could maybe send a message saying "hey, just checking in to see if you're ok." The issue is if she says no, then she might expect you to listen to her vent or provide advice, in which case you'll be forced to either ghost her at that moment, state that you'll no longer be providing your services or end up doing the opposite, and that is what could be considered enabling. Even if she says shes fine, she might wonder why you haven't been messaging. You can either explain yourself or again, ghost her at that moment.

None of the above would be ideal I assume, since you'd rather have her reach out to you. Speaking of which, what will you do if she does?