[Medusax]

I want people's honest opinion. I already know what I am going to do, but I am interested in the opinions of others on this subject. I was friends with a person who went behind my back and told my husband something that showed she either never listened to me, or, simply wanted to look like the "better" person in the moment. (She had done to me that with others, but THIS was why I ended the friendship.) This was about 20 years or more ago now. We DID have some really fun times, and we are older women now. Ok. What would YOU do? Please be honest and don't judge anyone else. You cannot be wrong on an opinion.

Hi Medusax, did you take the time to do a friendship "postmortem" before you reach out to her? That is, did you weigh the good with the bad about your friendship? Be very clear with yourself about what that deal-breaker was for you, that ended your friendship with her. There is a chance she probably hasn't changed...at all. Most people never change. If you do go through with reconnecting to her and she reciprocates, take it very slowly. Start out as acquaintances again. You need to take your time to rebuild your trust with each other, if she is interested in trying to be friends with you again.

Speaking from personal experience, I used those steps to try to rekindle several broken friendships, but each reconnection ended the same way it had before with each former friend: badly. We couldn't let go of our past grudges, past hurts, the pain we caused each other. So, for me, once I let go of a friendship now, I no longer think about that person. Women can hold grudges against each other FOR YEARS whereas men don't even remember what color socks they wore the day before.

Try using email or Facebook to reach out to her. Give her time to process and respond. If she agrees to try again at the friendship: great. BUT, proceed with caution. Do you know what is going on with her life right now? Timing is also key. Make sure you don't pressure her or have unrealistic expectations.

[Medusax]

Hey StreetcarBlanche...Ok..What happened was that she was talking to my husband (before you ask, NO, she never tried to sleep with him) and KNOWING that he had a spending/laziness problem, told him that "You are responsible for all those animals, she's not....) I was like..excuse me? This is the man who can't mow a lawn, or pick up a paper towel to clean up a coffee spill, a cat hairball, or crumbs from his own sandwich making, while I was working two jobs, and later on, three. I do not know if perhaps he was feeding her a line, but the evidence was overwhelmingly in my favor.

So, the friendship ended because she confronted your husband about his financial straits and disinterest in helping you care for your house pets behind your back? Did you end the friendship because you spoke to her in confidence about your feelings towards your husband not contributing, and she went and blurted that all to him on your behalf, without getting your permission first? I am not clear on exactly what happened.

[Medusax]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

So, the friendship ended because she confronted your husband about his financial straits and disinterest in helping you care for your house pets behind your back? Did you end the friendship because you spoke to her in confidence about your feelings towards your husband not contributing, and she went and blurted that all to him on your behalf, without getting your permission first? I am not clear on exactly what happened.

She wasn't confronting him, she was trying to tell him that he was the "wronged" one. I have no idea what he may have told her at any given time, but she was telling him that I took no responsibility for anything, and he did it all. The opposite was true.

[Medusax]

I saw her once after that...she had the nerve to tell me: "You are my friend. S is simply your husband." I thought...really?? That was in 2001.

So...she went behind your back to sympathize with your husband and complain about YOU to him?! Yeah, that's uncalled for and very much a betrayal on her part. Wow. Why do you want to be friends again with this woman now? I wouldn't trust her. No way. She sounds like she is a pot-stirrer. Like, she intentionally creates trouble for people because it entertains her. Or, she has zero boundaries and zero common sense and thinks she's being helpful when in reality she's like Godzilla destroying the city.

[downandlonely]

I would talk to her about the way the friendship ended and if she understands what she did wrong. If not, I wouldn't let her back in my life.

[Bill3]

What is bringing this possibility to your attention at this moment?

[sarahsweets]

I would be very wary of this person.

[Medusax]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What is bringing this possibility to your attention at this moment?

Well, I have not thought of her in years. Almost 20, to be exact. But, something made me think of her daughter, and I decided to look for said daughter on FB. I figured the daughter would have a site, but mother could have gone either way. Well, she had one and I saw her picture. That is what made me think of it. In retrospect, she WAS sort of a talker about people, but because I'm not, and naturally ignore other people and their lives, I would/could not go into the subject with her. I did not know anything about anyone, and even if I did I keep my mouth shut about most things that don't concern me. Anyway, I got to thinking about the good times we had is all.....

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

So...she went behind your back to sympathize with your husband and complain about YOU to him?! Yeah, that's uncalled for and very much a betrayal on her part. Wow. Why do you want to be friends again with this woman now? I wouldn't trust her. No way. She sounds like she is a pot-stirrer. Like, she intentionally creates trouble for people because it entertains her. Or, she has zero boundaries and zero common sense and thinks she's being helpful when in reality she's like Godzilla destroying the city.

Hi. I agree with StreetcarBlanche on this one.

I fully understand becoming nostalgic over the good times and perhaps wanting a friendship again, but honestly? I wouldn't go back. Friendships end for a good reason, just like a romantic relationship does.

She betrayed you. I wouldn't trust her again. How could you trust her again? Wouldn't you always be on your toes with her?

Once trust is broken in my mind, it can rarely be repaired. I would let this go. It's been 20 years. Why resurface it now? If you're lonely, find ways to make new friendships. There's always a way. She's toxic.

[healingme4me]

It's better to let sleeping dogs sleep.

I am not sure about 'friends' that feel at liberty to confide in friend's husbands about things said in confidence? She definitely admitted to siding with your husband? Or was that his spin on it? A friend may be at liberty to give a husband a piece of her mind, though....

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm afraid I must agree with all the others, Medusax I understand you feeling nostalgic about the good times you've spent together, but I'm not sure if you should try to start a new friendship with her if you don't have indication that she's TRULY changed! If you're feeling lonely or if you want to make more friends, I'd suggest to just look for new ones if you can! I understand it's no easy, but I DO believe it may be the best option for you! Let us know what you decide to do! Either way, we'll respect your decision! Please don't worry about that! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Medusax!

I think it’s best to trust that there was a reason we ended a relationship in the first place and no reason to go back.

[TishaBuv]

She was a back stabbing rat. If she had changed her ways and felt bad about how she treated you, she would have contacted you already. You don’t let a rat back in ever.

[s4ndm4n2006]

if it's something that affected you strongly enough not to be in touch with her for over 20 yrs, I'm not sure as to why there is any motivation to even rekindle the friendship, but that aside, I think at best, and if at all, I'd approach this very cautiously.

[Medusax]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

It's better to let sleeping dogs sleep.

I am not sure about 'friends' that feel at liberty to confide in friend's husbands about things said in confidence? She definitely admitted to siding with your husband? Or was that his spin on it? A friend may be at liberty to give a husband a piece of her mind, though....

No, I OVERHEARD her...we were at a party at her house and I was outside the kitchen when she said it. I left the party and never spoke to her again until Sept 11 2001. And have not spoken to her since.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Medusax

No, I OVERHEARD her...we were at a party at her house and I was outside the kitchen when she said it. I left the party and never spoke to her again until Sept 11 2001. And have not spoken to her since.

In that case, no need to try again. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

[Medusax]

Ok , I want to thank everyone for their responses. You all seem to agree with ME. The reason I asked everyone is that people are always telling me that I am all sharp edges and caustic, without the ability to forgive. Interesting that the people who say these things to me are usually ones that have done me wrong. The truth is...I CAN forgive, if it an honest mistake or if someone else has their hand at a persons back for the moment of the wrongdoing, or something similar. But I am sorry, THIS is not something I can easily forgive.

I have a whole theory about forgiveness. You don't always have to forgive the person who wronged you. Context matters.

Why You Don't Always Have to Forgive | Psychology Today

Why you don’t “need” or “have to” forgive anyone if you don’t want or feel ready to. - Evergreen Counseling

I think forgiveness is a manipulative tactic to force people to lower their healthy boundaries and let the toxic person who wronged them off the hook, after-the-fact. Um, no thank you. It's a platitude that promotes codependency behavior, in putting yourself second and giving energy to the person who abused you in whatever way they did. Um, no thank you.

"Forgive and forget" is a silencing tactic invented to stop the wronged person from holding their abuser accountable. That's my belief anyway. And so far, it's worked for me.

If I choose to let someone off the hook, it's not because I forgive them. It's because I judge their behavior on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being a minor infraction and 10 being so major that means they will never see or hear from me again. The same way a chat or forum moderator maintains community guidelines with all the members of a chatroom or forum, I use that number scale to maintain my boundaries with people online and offline.

There are a plethora of people who've wronged me over the years and once they do that, I cut them off. I have tried and failed in the past to let former friends back into my life because I thought we both could move on. Nope. People never change. Once they put you in a category of "option" or "priority" I believe you pretty much stay in that category, hence the labels of fair-weather friend.

[Medusax]

"I think forgiveness is a manipulative tactic to force people to lower their healthy boundaries and let the toxic person who wronged them off the hook, after-the-fact. "
""Forgive and forget" is a silencing tactic invented to stop the wronged person from holding their abuser accountable. "

Brilliant. And I agree.

And, since so many people promote and uphold that platitude of "forgive and forget," then when you have people like me who don't see it as a healthy way to maintain boundaries with people who've wronged you, they attack you as being immoral or unethical when that's not a fair assessment. I don't believe in the concept of "forgive and forget" and have not found it helpful or useful. I hold people accountable for their behavior with me. And, obviously, they don't like that. Well, gee sorry but if you wrong me and I react with anger, then don't wrong me to start with. I think "forgive and forget" also promotes a sense of self-entitlement to the forgiver, as though they are the better person or martyr b/c they let their abuser off the hook. I REALLY don't understand how letting your abuser off the hook makes you the bigger person morally or ethically. I certainly don't think it does. I think it makes you someone who has weak boundaries. But that's just my opinion, which is not a very popular one I've learned over the years.

[Medusax]

Ok...for example...those who have "forgiven' people for murdering family members for NO REASON. Not like they were about to kill the other person or harm them or rob them, but just because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Like this idiot that threw he little boy off the balcony at MOA. If you forgive someone for something like that? I'm sorry, but you are f***** in the head. Period.

Originally Posted by Medusax

Ok...for example...those who have "forgiven' people for murdering family members for NO REASON. Not like they were about to kill the other person or harm them or rob them, but just because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Like this idiot that threw he little boy off the balcony at MOA. If you forgive someone for something like that? I'm sorry, but you are f***** in the head. Period.

Me too! That guy had previously been banned from the MOA for similar attacks on people shopping there, but those bans expired. If I were the mother, there's no way I would forgive that guy. I'd want to see him get the most extreme prison sentence possible and then I'd take steps to make sure the MOA's security detail doesn't allow that kind of event to happen again. But forgive? No way!