What to do?

I was thinking of starting to see my university counsellor since I DO need some guidance for my life and what I want to do for a career! However I'm just not sure how to begin to ask them! I should contact them through e-mail to schedule an appointment with them but I'm not sure how to word it or what to say! I'm also not sure how to deal with my parents about all of this. I don't want to tell them that I'm doing all of this and technically I don't have to, but if I do this I would have to lie to them and tell them that I'm going to the lessons instead of what I'm actually doing, which is going to the counsellor! Of course I'm ALSO going there to take lessons so I'm not really lying but I still feel guilty about all of this There's also the fact that I'm not sure how many appointments there will be! There should be seven of them, but we're already almost in May and lessons end in June! I feel like there may not be enough time to do all the sessions! I don't want to "waste" this opportunity! I'm just really doubtful about all of this and I feel like I don't have a lot of time to decide! Do you guys have any advice? What do you all suggest? Any advice and suggestions are welcome!

It’s not your parents business. Why do they need to know? You aren’t a child. Go see a counselor and ask how could you get your 7 appointments if a year is over. They might tell you that you could do the rest in the fall. You got to ask.

In your email just say you want an appointment to discuss some concerns etc

(((Mickey))) you are a good person and you like to be honest and truthful. It's important that you establish stronger boundaries where you realize you really don't OWE others an explaination for everything you need to do for yourself. It's really ok if you are not sure about what you want to be, it can take time to slowly figure that out and come to realize what you are good at doing. You don't have to be your parent's caretaker either, or anyone's for that matter. You tend to leave yourself open too much and it's really ok to say no and settle into thinking about your own needs. You don't have to tell your parents everything or feel like you are lying when you need some privacy and don't want to tell them certain things you need and are doing for yourself. Reaching out for counseling is "healthy" and it's not anything to feel ashamed of or think that it's bad if you don't share that you are doing so. It's actually really good that you are taking the inititive to address your own needs. It's ok to be independent of your parents.

First off do they have an office you can stop by while you are at the university? That way you could personally talk to them about setting up the appointments & not leave it to an impersonal email.

I like to talk directly to people because I get immediate results that way & know exactly where I stand.

As for your parents they sound a lot like mine were. My did didn't even think I should go to collegs & no one in my family had gone to college so they were the last ones in the world I would even talk to about direction & career questions. My future path was MY RESPONSIBILITY not theirs & I had to do what was necessary for me. Even if I was living in their house.....my future plans & directions were not their business during my planning because they had nothing valuable to offer in that area of my life.

There is this "need to know" concept that I tend to use as a guideline. If what I am doing has no effect of someone's life they have "NO need to know" & I am not responsible to tell anyone anything that they have no need to know. That definitely includes parents. It is also called learning to be & act as an independent adult. Yes we need to seek out the people who know about what we need to discuss....that is being wise....because some decisions we can't make totally independently if we don't have tge information....but it us tge "knowing"people we seek out & leave the others out of the process.

In other words you don't owe your parents any explanation at all at this point in your life

Mickey- you are so supportive here at PC and I am glad that you are reaching out for your own help. I am serious when I say this you are the NICEST person I have ever met online and that counts for something. Always be proud of that kindness and its time to extend that kindness towards yourself. Its ok to feel confused or scared about things. And its ok to not have the answers. I do not think you should lie to your parents but in the interest of getting started and self protection I think not telling them unless they directly ask might be a way to get around the initial hard steps. Of course you are going to have to get to a place of acceptance and be willing to tell them what you are up to if you think they need to know but for now just work around them. You know in your heart and with your good sense that they really do not need to give their blessing on what you are doing. You know you are strong inside but your scared and fear is the greatest motivator. Unfortunately some people are so afraid that it has a reverse effect and they hide or never take that step forward. Sometimes you face it and it feels so scary but it ends up being for the best or not that bad. You are not a coward. A coward is afraid and does nothing. Someone with courage is afraid but does something anyway;

I don't think you need to tell your parents that you are going to see your university's counselor. You are in college. That's your business. Technically, you are an adult. Your parents should respect your privacy. I wouldn't tell them. It's none of their business. Don't accommodate them with every detail of your life, dear. They don't need to know. If you were going to the hospital for an operation, then you should tell them. But, to go see a counselor at your university? Not an emergency that they need to know about. There has to be some boundaries drawn between you and your parents. This would be one boundary that you should draw, to keep yourself separate from your parents. Don't tell them. You're not hiding anything by not telling them. It's just none of their business. It's very important that you maintain some psychological distance from your parents, esp. if you are going to go to counseling. That really isn't something they need to be, or should be, involved with. Good luck dear!

Thank you ALL SO MUCH for replying! I believe you are ALL right when you say that it's technically not my parents' business. I guess I just feel guilty because I still live with them and they're the one helping me out with everything. In a sense I DO feel like I "owe" them an explanation! I'll just try to see the university counsellor by myself though! I'm also a bit anxious about locating the office Unfortunately I can't go to the office directly since they've explicitly asked to contact them through e-mail or telephone first! I'm too anxious to speak by telephone so I'll try with the e-mail! Thank you so much for the kind words, everyone! You're all STRONG, WONDERFUL PEOPLE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Sending many hugs to EVERYONE and to all of you great, kind, wise and wonderful people and to EVERYONE on PC of course!

I agree that there is no need to tell your parents about seeing a counselor. That’s your personal business. As far as wording goes, I would word things just as you did with us here. Just tell them you want to talk about the direction of your life and your career as you told us. It’s a very wise and responsible step to take on your part. Best of luck to you.

It's OK to have secrets but perhaps they are so involved in your life that they ask about everything? That can be a problem too though you don't have to tell them this, just be aware that perhaps they aren't giving you enough autonomy. If they notice, try to think of an honest but nondetailed answered like: "Just getting some advice" then if they press more say: "I prefer to keep it private." I know this can be nearly impossible with some parents especially if they have to drive you to the appointment. Hopefully, they don't even ask! They might not even ask --- wouldn't that be a pleasant surprise!

Do what YOU think is best!

It is better when parents are careful not to pry too much but I know we (my husband and I) are guilty of prying too much in our children's lives. Breaking away from our parents can be hard for either the parent and/or child but it needs to be done..... You are such a sweet person that it is probably hard to let you grow up/be apart from you but if that is happening then they will adjust. Worrying won't change a thing and nothing stays the same......

MickeyCheeky, it sounds to me like you suffer from "enmeshment trauma" (also: ask your school counselor about this). Here is a website that explains it.

Enmeshment: How To Unmesh From Your Dysfunctional Family

Here's an article about enmeshed parenting. I think perhaps your parents invade your boundaries because they have issues themselves. So, they don't draw proper boundaries with you, which is unfortunate, because you deserve to be independent and separate from your parents. Learning to separate from enmeshed parenting is scary -- I did it though, and I still have to verbally tell my mother "No!" all the time b/c although I separated from her enmeshment, she refuses to, and thinks she can still treat me like I'm 7 years old (I'm nearly 50). Enmeshed parents will NEVER acknowledge that they are boundary invaders -- especially to their children -- so no use telling your parents this insight. But, if they fit the criteria, then at least you know what dysfunctional system your parents have trapped you inside of, and you can learn to escape it (moving out eventually will help you a lot with drawing stronger boundaries between yourself and your parents).

Do You Practice Enmeshed Parenting?

Thank you ALL SO MUCH! I'll try to contact the University Counsellor as soon as I possibly can! I just need to find the confidence in myself. It's a very big step for me to take and I can't go back once I do it I hope I'll be able to find the inner strength that's necessary to take these steps! Most importantly, I hope I'll be able to be honest with the University Counsellor. I DO NOT want to screw up again! Thank you ALL SO MUCH for being SO KIND AND SUPPORTIVE to me! I truly don't deserve it! Nevertheless, THANK YOU SO MUCH! You're all STRONG, WONDERFUL PEOPLE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I hope I'll be able to reapy these HUGE debts I owe you!!!!! Sending many hugs to EVERYONE and to ALL OF YOU and to ALL OF YOU AWESOME, KIND, STRONG, SWEET, WISE AND WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE ON PC!

Take care, MickeyCheeky. You'll relax once you meet your university counselor. They have to sign a paper that states they will keep the sessions confidential. Your parents cannot ask your school counselor to give them information about your sessions.

I think if you go once a week to campus to see the counselor, you'll feel so much better. Take a notebook with you. Write down the suggestions that the counselor gives you. Keep a journal. Make a list. Keep goals. You can do this.

Quote:

I hope I'll be able to reapy these HUGE debts I owe you!!!!!

Best way to repay is for YOU to find that inner strength & do what you need to do.

In my DBT group we learned about "opposite action urge" this basically means that some things in our lives we have to force ourselves to do because our kinda dysfunctional self really doesn't want to do it.

I have had to kick my own rear sometimes to get things done that I would rather procrastinate & never do but know it had to be done. It becomes a goal & we put a time it has to be done on it & it becomes our top priority whether we want to do it or not.

Even strong people struggle with this at times.....that is why DBT actually has a skill to deal with it.

You can & I KNOW you will handle this for your own well being

Dear Mickey Cheeky....you are totally the sweetest and most supportive person on PC - hands down. There are MANY lovely people here....too many to count, but you are constantly supporting every new post. . . . all across the board. You're a love and you have a huge heart.

I have a daughter in University and we (her dad and I ) are paying 100% for everything. But.....she is at University, she's 21, and we trust her to pick her classes, make her schedule, apply for internships, etc.....on her own. Obviously we expect her to go to class and make grades. . . . but in college/university there should be more autonomy, gradual shift to adulting.......we expect her to act on her own as long as she makes grades/goes to class.

If your parents are not allowing you complete autonomy, I still think it's acceptable to see your advisor, create a plan, and keep your parents posted on the details that they need. Not necessarily every single detail....think "need to know" status. Hope this helps. Mainly - I hope you push through your comfort zone and do what you need to do to push yourself towards your goal.

You're obviously very intelligent and a great person. You can do this!!!

(((((((((((( MickeyCheeky )))))))))))))
I agree you’re one of the sweetest and most supportive people on pc. I don’t really have advice to add to what the wise posters have said. Many hugs to you

Mickey, we all love you. You are always so supportive of us on PC.

You don't need to think of you seeing a counselor as "secret" but rather look at it as your "personal business" since you are an adult.

And even if your parents find out, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not doing anything illegal or immoral but something healthy and productive for yourself.

"I have had to kick my own rear sometimes to get things done that I would rather procrastinate & never do but know it had to be done. It becomes a goal & we put a time it has to be done on it & it becomes our top priority whether we want to do it or not."

I agree with Eskielover. Sometimes we build a strong identity by doing what needs to be done, one step at a time.

Mickey, I agree with all of the excellent, clearly put advice above. And dont forget you have all of us here on the forum. We don’t “need to know” but we’re here and we care about you so you can bounce stuff off of us every step of the way if you want to.

Wishing you the best.... ♥️

Thank you ALL so much for your KINDNESS! I forgot to reply to StreetcarBlanche! I'm so sorry about that! Thank you so much for sharing those articles! I've read them and they're ALL pretty interesting, but I can't relate too much to them! In fact I feel a bit detached from my family to be COMPLETELY honest! I feel like that has more to do with me than with them though! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing those articles and for TRYING YOUR BEST to HELP ME OUT though! I REALLY appreciate that MUCH, MUCH more than I can put into words! Sending many hugs to EVERYONE and to ALL OF YOU and of course to ALL OF YOU KIND, STRONG, SWEET AND WONDERFUL PEOPLE here on PC!!!!!

Reducing this to the simplest issue: you need to go to the counselor. If debating over whether to tell your parents makes that harder or slows down the process when its almost the end of the year, dont tell them. Nike used to have a motto: JUST DO IT and I think thats the key here. One of the aspects of mental illness is rumination. To avoid that, when something really needs to be done , dont fall into that painful cycle of circular thinking. Just forge ahead. You’re as brave as you always tell us we are, my friend. Go for it and tell us how the counseling progresses on this thread. We’re all behind you!

The other good thing about PC is that when we have something we need to do & we put it in writing.....it almost becomes like the group becomes that "accountability partner" & having someone else knowing we need to do something other than just ourselves seems to help push us into action too. I have found that helps me a lot.

Let's go !!!!!!

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND YOUR AWESOME, KIND GENEROUS, SUPPORTIVE, SWEET, WARM, WISE AND WONDERFUL SUPPORT!!!!! I have contacted my University Counsellor and they set up an appointment for the middle of May! Apparentely there are LOTS of requests! I just hope they'll be able to help me at least a little bit! I wonder if they WILL have enough time to dedicate to me! I hope I won't bother them too much! I hope everything will go well! Thank you ALL SO MUCH for supporting me in this decision! I still feel a little bit guilty about hinding all of this to my parents. I'm also afraid that when I WILL decide what I want to I WILL have to tell them one way or another! I'm afraid I won't be able to do it! I'm afraid to disappoint them! Sending many hugs to ALL OF YOU and to EVERYONE and of course to ALL OF THE AWESOME, KIND, GENEROUS, SUPPORTIVE, SWEET, WISE AND WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE ON PC!!!!!

You will find a way to tell your parents, and I bet it wont be as hard as you think! We’re proud of you. Take a list of the things you want to discuss with the counselor. They are there to help you. Good job!!!

The counselors are absolutely there to help you, Mickey. They are there for you to "bother" (LOL). With any luck you will get someone who is concerned and will help you sort things out. It may take more than one appointment. But that is their sole purpose: To help students.

All the best!