[Icedgem]

Anyone find they have a conversation with someone only to be brushed off and the conversation nerver actually happens; then someone else strikes up the same conversation and that person is all over it?

Example:
Parents getting a new bathroom. I ask my dad how the plans are coming along and what how they would like it to be (colours, tiles, shower etc) he said to me I don't know yet.

Sister in law asks the same question about 15 mins later and dad is so engaged. Gets out all his brochures, tells her about the colour scheme and where everything will go. I'm just sitting there like.. is this really happening LOL

[healingme4me]

I would have spoken up, on the spot and asked what's the deal with that. Even if in a playful way. Maybe his mind wasn't on the answer in that moment and your question led to him thinking on it more so by the time your sister asked he was more focused. At the same time, it's important to point out the discrepancy in conversation. I mean wth, as a parent it's imperative to try and give equal or close to equal attention and conversation.

What you are experiencing is called 'triangulation.' Your father intentionally ignored your invitation to engage in conversation with you about his new bathroom, b/c you are on the 'outside' of his triangle of people he respects and trusts.

Yet, he engaged with your sister in law because he doesn't feel negatively towards her for some reason. I don't think it's as healingme4me says, that your dad was absent minded and that you need to be confrontational with him in a playful way. My mother does that to me -- I will ask her a question and she'll ignore me, yet if my sister or brother asks her the same question she engages in conversation with them.

What is your relationship with your father like? Do you two get along or is there some underlying cause of discord between you two? My mother and I don't like each other that much; our personalities have always clashed, so I know now, if I ask her a question she won't engage so I don't bother to engage her in trivial conversation about her life anymore.

It won't do you any good to confront your father about ignoring you. Would you describe your dad as a narcissist at all? Where the focus has to be on him, he is always right and everyone else is always wrong? If that's true, the fact that he's a narcissist has a lot to do with how he chooses to interact with you and others.

Although this example of triangulation is about romantic relationships, it can easily be applied to children and parents, etc. because it's a model of how triangulation works.

"Triangulation is bringing the opinion, perspective or threat of another person, or other people, into the relationship dynamic. Malignant narcissists love to triangulate their significant other with strangers, co-workers, ex-partners, friends and even family members to bolster their claims about you. “Everyone knows what you do to me.” When a narcissist changes the story so that you appear the aggressor, it validates the toxic person’s abuse. At the same time, it invalidates your reaction to abuse. Triangulation puts you on the defensive and makes it difficult for others to know what’s really going on. If you try to defend yourself too vigorously, that may also validate the other person’s claims.

Triangulation can also create love triangles that leave you on the outside feeling unhinged and insecure. They also use the opinions of others (that they have influenced) to validate their point of view.

This is a diversionary tactic meant to pull your attention away from their abusive behavior and into a false image of them as a desirable, sought after person. It also leaves you questioning yourself – if Mary did agree with Tom, doesn’t that mean that you must be wrong? The truth is, narcissists love to “report back” falsehoods about others say about you, when in fact, they are the ones smearing you.

Solution: To resist triangulation tactics, realize that whoever the narcissist is triangulating with is also being triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist as well. Everyone is essentially being played by this one person. Reverse “triangulate” the narcissist by gaining support from a third party that is not under the narcissist’s influence – and also by seeking your own validation."

Triangulation

IDENTIFYING AND ADDRESSING TRIANGULATION
Triangulation may be troublesome in a relationship if:

Attention is drawn away from important issues in a two-person relationship.
The third member of the relationship feels pressured, overtaxed, or manipulated as a result of being brought into the conflict.
One of the three people in the relationship begins to feel ignored, excluded, or rejected.

Triangulation pulls a third party into an inappropriate role (for example, when a child becomes a mediator of conflict between two parents or a friend outside a conflicted relationship becomes a confidant for one of the partners).
When recognized, triangulation may be best addressed by the individuals in the primary relationship.

When a third member recognizes that triangulation is a problem, he or she should encourage the other two people involved to communicate directly about their difficulties. When triangulation persists or leads to increased stress, it can often be helpful to find a qualified therapist or counselor and explore possible cause.

Triangulation: The Trap Of The Problematic Person | Caregivers, Family & Friends

10 Ways To Break The Narcissist's Spell - Reach Out Recovery

The Narcissist's Child: Triangulation—the narcissist’s secret weapon

[Altec]

This is what happened to me at my previous job where one more senior member of our department would leave me out of conversations and idea generating tasks but only engage with the other two of my coworkers who are no senior than me. I now know what is going on. I tell myself something is wrong with this woman but I just can’t pin point it. Turns out the situation I was in was triangulation. Back then I thought that I simply wasn’t likeable and smart enough to pick brain with her. I guess a neutral description of the term triangulation at least helped me with defining the problem. I at least know now that she is very likely a narcissistic b@&$$.

[Altec]

🙏 thanks!

[healingme4me]

I think it's better to confront first lest one fall into the trap of over analyzing and being stuck in an isolating headspace. If one doesn't speak up for themselves, then one cannot say that they've given the other party opportunity to change the way they treat them. Just my 2 cents.

[MickeyCheeky]

That happens to me ALL THE TIME, Icedgem! I DEFINITELY know what you mean althouhg it doesn't happen with my parents but with other people! Still, it's not a nice thing to go through AT ALL and I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! I'd suggest to look at this in the larger context of the relationship with your dad. Does this happen frequently or only once in a while? How is your relationship with your father? Do you two get along well? How is your relationship with other people such as your mom ro your sister in law? I believe it is very important to ask yourself such question before acting out! StreetcarBlanche's post was VERY interesting and I think she may be onto something since it is likely true for me at least and I've found it VERY HELPFUL, but ONLY YOU can confirm it and say whether it's true or not! I'd suggest to follow what healing4me has already wisely suggested better than I ever could and to just confron tyour father about all of this and see how it goes from there! Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand you and he will be able to provide a good explanation for ALL OF THIS behavior! Just try to analyze the relationship you have with him or with other people! I feel like that's VERY IMPORTANT! Please keep us updated and let us know how things are turning up for you, ok? WE'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU AND WE'LL NEVER ABANDON YOU! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Sending many hugs to you, Icedgem!!!!!

[Icedgem]

Thanks for all the replies.

I was going to start a new thread but this one is still quite fitting for what I'd like to say..

I find that some people just don't get me.
I ask about them or about their day and get met with just short answers or feel they have no interest in having a conversation with me.

Example, I went to the cinema with my friend and afterwards asked him what he thought of the film, he said it was good and I referenced a few parts that's I liked it were funny to make some jokes and keep the conversation going because to me, seeing a film with someone is a great conversation starter! Anyway, it was like getting blood out of a stone so I abandoned that conversation quickly.

I text another friend today asking him to give me a call when he's free. He called but was noticeably distracted, I asked what he was up to he said wathxinf football and doing some work. I said for him to call me back once he's done. He said no let's chat now what's wrong? I said nothing, jsut wanted to catch up. I made a joke about the lady who lives downstairs as she's usually quite loud and asked if she's gone to bed yet in a joking way meaning has she been bashing about he snapped at me asking why I was phoning to make stupid jokes. I explained that I Purley called for a light hearted chat and be got defensive.

Is it me? Is it the way I try and connect to people. I seem to find it a massive struggle having any sort of connection to humans and it's happening more and more with so many people in my life so it must be ME.. right?

This may seem rather dramatic but should I just make zero effort now and see who actually is interested in me?

[healingme4me]

I don't know what to say about those examples of the behaviors of others, but I will caution against the 'common denominator' line of reasoning. Sadly, it's one of those commonly used expressions in either the self help or therapy realms and I'm rather sleepy to sort out which angle that comes from. You know the one that says if these patterns continue repeating then look at yourself? It's a complicated slippery slope. That I wouldn't wish upon you.
One of my mom's closest friends posted something recently, kind of humorous with a bit of truth and snark and kind of vulgar for use of swears but...maybe one is not depressed maybe just surrounded by a holes. ?
If to look at anything, I guess, is to be mindful of reactions to these moments? Don't let these moments drain you of your essence.