Dealing with a non-supportive,complaining spouse

For 20 years, I've dealt with a husband who constantly whines and complains about everything, from being in the car and whining about other drivers, to complaints about work, to the most recent ones -- about the new dog we adopted. Our last two dogs died a few years ago and I was clear about wanting to get a new one. I held off when we thought we were going to sell our house, waited until after vacations, etc. He kept saying he wanted to wait (but no indication of how long), and I said I wanted to get the dog to get it settled in and comfortable before our next vacation which had been planned and about 7 months away. I was trying to be practical about it, but made no bones that this was something I really wanted. We just got the dog a few days ago, the dog is being a dog -- it's been an adjustment to lifestyle which I fully expected, but from my husband it's been one complaint after another, not to mention he thinks he's funny when he specifically tells friends, "I wanted to wait ... so we got a dog." I've kept my mouth shut over the years on dozens of decisions that he wanted because it wasn't worth the battle. This is something I really wanted and he knows it but now all of the complaining and whining every time the dog does something wrong has me completely stressed out and mentally exhausted. He is not the most communicative person, constantly interrupts or corrects me or will argue until I have no choice but to just not say anything more. I love him, but I'm 56 years old and keep thinking that life is too short to put up with this. I am not giving the dog up but frankly don't know what to do.

I see this is your first post so welcome to PC. Hopefully someone who actually has something helpful to say will come along.

You say you love your husband, but what, exactly do you love about him? From the way you describe your relationship, I really don’t see any positives – he doesn’t communicate, you can’t talk to him without constant criticism, he complains, badmouths you to friends, interrupts you and corrects you, you don’t seem to be able to express yourself?

I say this from the point of being married as well. My husband and I have been through some tough times and challenges, but at least we can discuss issues that arise.

If it sounded like your husband would consider couple’s counseling, I’d suggest that, but the way you describe him, it doesn’t seem like he’d be open to the idea.

Sorry to sound pessimistic, but if you’re in your 50s and he’s around the same age – and has always been this way, the likelihood of him changing is slim. And, he’d have to be the one to decide he wants to change. I guess it boils down to how much you want to put up with. Maybe some therapy for yourself would be beneficial.

I wish you all the best while figuring this out.

This right here really spoke to me. You seem like a very reasonable, understanding person. It's unfortunate that you are dealing with all of this. I know from personal experience that being around negative people can suck all the energy out of you and make you not feel like yourself! And I totally agree. Life is short and you deserve to enjoy as much of it as you can!

I would maybe suggest couples therapy, or try to understand why he's being so negative, although I imagine you must have tried one of these options given that he's been this way for 20 years. I don't know if this particular instance was especially upsetting for you, but maybe try to express how much he is hurting you. And if he doesn't listen, well, spend more time with your dog (I'm gonna call him your dog because he doesn't seem invested at all)!

Also, welcome to PC.

It's interesting, he hasn't always been this way. Early in our marriage, I noticed that whenever he called me, during the day it was mostly to grumble about work, and I get that, we all need to vent. But after a while, I I stopped him and said that calling me to complain all the time was affecting me, and I needed him to dial it back. It worked for a while, but just seems like it's gotten worse over the years, and to my own fault, I have not stepped up to vocalize how I was feeling. Part of that comes from my own issues as an adopted child, we fear abandonment, thus sometimes adapt our own behavior (being completely amenable) to try and avoid what we perceive as a threat of being abandoned. I've seen counselors on my own to work on that issue, it's a lifelong struggle.

You asked, what do I love about him -- he is one of the most considerate and thoughtful people I know, would not hesitate to help me or any family member with anything.

I doubt I could get him into couple's counseling, but I think just posting this and seeing replies, it's becoming clear that I need to step up in telling him how I feel, which is often really hard for me.

I´m glad posting helps. I hope you can work towards being able to express your feelings more. Everyone deserves to be heard.

My husband was not raised by his biological family, but by his godmother who was given legal guardianship. He started therapy recently and they've been talking about his wories about loss/abandonment in part due to his situation groing up. I imagine it is quite common for people who were adopted. I'm glad you have gone to counseling for it.

But after a while, I I stopped him and said that calling me to complain all the time was affecting me, and I needed him to dial it back. Yeah, venting is one thing but constant complaining is an exhausting demand for attention. I sometimes have to leave the room if friends do that HABITUALLY. Plus it makes it harder to feel supportive in a real crisis.

I had a long term boyfriend who complained all the time about everything. It was draining. He attempted to continue that pattern even after I already left him and moved out. I have no tolerance for excessive complaining