[AVLusedtobeB]

Hi

My partner and I have been together for over a year (although we have known each other for 20 years) we are living together and comitted to each other. He has a 9 year old son, his son and I get along fantastically and we are very close, there is just one problem: he wont call me by anything (any name or title). He is a shy boy and dislike strangers, but our relaitionship is good, I give him lots of love and care, and he returns the love in his akward 9 year old way. When we are together he just avoids situations where he would have to address me by a name and if he talks about me with others he calls me her/she.
My partner says just to be patient as he is still figuring out my role in his life and if Im going to be long-term.
I am trying to be patient but its becoming difficult, it makes me feel like a non-entity... What causes this type of behaviour, maybe if I understood I can accept it or should I just give it time and not take it personally?

[Bill3]

Have you discussed with him the possibility of him calling you a name?

[WishfulThinker66]

I would come right out and ask him by what he would be comfortable calling you.

Originally Posted by AVLusedtobeB

Hi

My partner and I have been together for over a year (although we have known each other for 20 years) we are living together and comitted to each other. He has a 9 year old son, his son and I get along fantastically and we are very close, there is just one problem: he wont call me by anything (any name or title). He is a shy boy and dislike strangers, but our relaitionship is good, I give him lots of love and care, and he returns the love in his akward 9 year old way. When we are together he just avoids situations where he would have to address me by a name and if he talks about me with others he calls me her/she.
My partner says just to be patient as he is still figuring out my role in his life and if Im going to be long-term.
I am trying to be patient but its becoming difficult, it makes me feel like a non-entity... What causes this type of behaviour, maybe if I understood I can accept it or should I just give it time and not take it personally?

I would ask your partner why he is not willing to discuss this issue with his son.

I think it's part of basic manners for children to address adults as "Ms./ Mrs./ Mr./ Miss______" whoever they are.

[bunnyhabit]

suggest a name you are comfortable with that doesn't relate to parenthood like dads girlfriend. correct him every time he says something else when referring to you

[AVLusedtobeB]

I,ve tried to broach the subject with him casually a few times but he kinda just goes akward / pulls a face / change the subject..

Maybe I should sit down and have a bit more of a structured conversation?

My BF has spoken to him about what he would be comfortable calling me but with much of the same response. Although BF maintains that this is just the way he is, especially if it someone new in his "family" which he thinks is actually a good thing as he sees me as some sort of "family". (He took 2 years to assign some random nickname to his mothers boyfriend)

So one the one side its how it makes me feel (like a nobody, disrespected & unapreciated) but on the other side it makes me worry about the kid, why is it so difficult for him, does this point to some emotional / social problem. Did his parents split cause some dissociation?

Originally Posted by AVLusedtobeB

I,ve tried to broach the subject with him casually a few times but he kinda just goes akward / pulls a face / change the subject..

Maybe I should sit down and have a bit more of a structured conversation?

My BF has spoken to him about what he would be comfortable calling me but with much of the same response. Although BF maintains that this is just the way he is, especially if it someone new in his "family" which he thinks is actually a good thing as he sees me as some sort of "family". (He took 2 years to assign some random nickname to his mothers boyfriend)

So one the one side its how it makes me feel (like a nobody, disrespected & unapreciated) but on the other side it makes me worry about the kid, why is it so difficult for him, does this point to some emotional / social problem. Did his parents split cause some dissociation?

Hello AVLusedtobe. Sorry you are struggling with this. While I understand the awkwardness of the situation and your desire to be acknowledged by name, I think you are underestimating the level of confusion and adjustment involved for any 9 yr old child to have a new adult in his life who is neither mother nor father. Try putting yourself in his place. Divorce is very painful and confusing for everyone involved; adults and children. Taking time to adjust and process does not have to mean that a child has a disorder. The fact that your partner's son awkwardly returns your love and care (as you said) is wonderful. I wonder why you are not giving him more credit? He's just a little boy trying to figure out his place in the world after the major life-altering event of his parents choosing to live apart. You could casually tell him it's okay to call you by your first name if he would like though I would not recommend pushing or forcing that. He sounds very bright...I imagine if you give him enough patience and time, he will likely come up with his own name for you. In my opinion, the more pertinent issue here is your self-esteem and getting some support with this new important role in your life. Feeling like "a nobody, disrespected & unappreciated" sounds like an extreme response to a boy you say you get along fantastically well with. Your self-esteem is not based on this little boy, it's based on your thoughts and feelings about yourself. I think that could be worth exploring with an experienced therapist. Peace, hope, and a bright future to you, your partner, and his son.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by AVLusedtobeB

I,ve tried to broach the subject with him casually a few times but he kinda just goes akward / pulls a face / change the subject..

Maybe I should sit down and have a bit more of a structured conversation?

My BF has spoken to him about what he would be comfortable calling me but with much of the same response. Although BF maintains that this is just the way he is, especially if it someone new in his "family" which he thinks is actually a good thing as he sees me as some sort of "family". (He took 2 years to assign some random nickname to his mothers boyfriend)

So one the one side its how it makes me feel (like a nobody, disrespected & unapreciated) but on the other side it makes me worry about the kid, why is it so difficult for him, does this point to some emotional / social problem. Did his parents split cause some dissociation?

the part that concerns me the most is that you're talking about a 9 yr old that you're worrying about being appreciated and respected as a first thought and what's going on with the kid as a second.

Step outside yourself and approach it with it not being about you but very obviously the discomfort of a 9 yr old that is in the midst of confusion and not sure how to address someone because he doesn't know. Take the bull by the horns and relieve him of figuring it out byt talking to him and telling him that you understand that he doesn't know how to address you and then offer something like that he can just call you by your name. Worry about titles and things like stepmom and stuff when that time comes which may not be automatic either. take the pressure off him and give him an "out" by saying "you can just call me ______ if that's ok"

Don't take this personally at all. As you said he likes you and you're close in other ways so bank on that idea and know this is not personal but about being the girlfriend of a dad which is always kind of difficult.

I have a now 26 yr old "step" son, even though he considers me his only dad now and was all he knew since 5 yrs old. It never got to the point where he would easily call me dad either and it was a struggle for him and this is in a situation where I was married to his mom not long after I met him. Again, don't take it that it means anything about your worth, or appreciation or any of that...

[AVLusedtobeB]

I definitely don't put my feelings of non-acknowledgement before my worry for him, just listed that way.. But I get what you are saying and will work on why it's bothering me at all and why I am attaching a piece of self-worth to being called a name by him.

Thanks for the replies, I did need to hear that. I dont know any other kids around his age, so obviously my understanding of his emotional maturity and the confusion created by his parents having new partners is not great, and my expectations a bit high.
So not going to take it personally and let it happen on its own time when he is comfortable.

Originally Posted by AVLusedtobeB

I definitely don't put my feelings of non-acknowledgement before my worry for him, just listed that way.. But I get what you are saying and will work on why it's bothering me at all and why I am attaching a piece of self-worth to being called a name by him.

Thanks for the replies, I did need to hear that. I dont know any other kids around his age, so obviously my understanding of his emotional maturity and the confusion created by his parents having new partners is not great, and my expectations a bit high.
So not going to take it personally and let it happen on its own time when he is comfortable.

Sounds like you are developing some wonderful insight AVLusedtobeB. I imagine it will continue to grow and shine. Best wishes to you and your family!

[healingme4me]

I'd err on the side of caution in even considering the use of the word dissociation or making a mental connection to the idea that there's something lurking underneath this 9 yo boys psyche.
If the behavior is fine apart from being undecided in what to call you, your road is paved in gold.
A little consternation harmed noone, really. Then again, maybe it's not something at the forefront of his thoughts? You're an adult. Young boys have many, many things to think about. Games and legos and whatnot.