He's Not My Husband Anymore

Betty_Banana · May 12, 2019, 07:41 PM

Thanks Open Eyes.Yes,this thread has been helpful.It felt like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders just by actually talking about it.

May 13, 2019, 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

He still doesn't get why taking all the money out of the bank upset me but I decided to just let it go for now.I know it's not a good idea for him to be going around with that much cash on him but it's not worth arguing over right now.I'm gonna wait a few more days then say something like hey,maybe we should go deposit that money,what if this or that happened,then we would be broke and up a **** creek.Give him time to get over whatever his reasoning is for carrying it with him.

We've had a good day together so far though. I feel compassion for him rather than anger or resentment.It might be different tomorrow but just for today I'm ok.

Thanks again.

Betty, I am sorry about what you are going through.

Do you have your own bank account. If you do not, I recommend getting some money together and opening one. When I was on disability, a bank was offering a $300 bonus if you opened an account and had your direct deposit go there. It is good to have an account in your own name with some emergency savings, especially when your partner is unable to handle money.

You are a good person for having so much compassion for your husband and it is a shame he is not being cooperative about getting help. It is a tragedy when people "go crazy" and an even greater tragedy when they don't see it. I am sorry it turned out like this. I do recommend therapy for you to figure out something you can do in life to go on and give you joy. It could be something you do for yourself while staying with him or it is understandable if you eventually need to leave. Just take it one day at a time trying to balance what you logically need with what your heart tells you you must do. It is tough when our family is not well. Hugs.

Betty_Banana · May 13, 2019, 09:16 AM

No I don't have my own bank account but it is something I had already been thinking is a good idea.

Thank you for responding.

Betty_Banana · May 20, 2019, 09:43 PM

I think my husband is at least considering the idea that he may actually be having some problems he hasn't been aware of.

There's a long story that goes along with the reason I say that but I won't go into it.It hurts me to even think about it tbh because I completely over -reacted and lashed out at him.Afterwards I had decided enough is enough,I can't do this anymore, and had a long talk with him.I explained that I loved him but all of this is destroying me mentally physically and spiritually and I need time away from him.I had decided the best thing was for us to live apart for awhile.

It was heart wrenching for him to keep asking me why and what he has done wrong and to try to get him to understand.

I dont think he really understands tbh.But I do believe he's considering it because I've seen him looking up some things on his phone.

I guess I will see how things go.Right now I'm just trying to stay focused on myself and my own health and sanity.And I don't plan on leaving any time soon.

May 20, 2019, 11:14 PM

Thanks for the update BettyBanana. I continue to wish you and your husband peace. And I understand that peace means different choices for different people.

Betty_Banana · May 21, 2019, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Thanks for the update BettyBanana. I continue to wish you and your husband peace. And I understand that peace means different choices for different people.

Thank you!
Hugs

Betty_Banana · Jun 22, 2019, 11:49 AM

I seriously can't do this anymore. I'm not sure how much is his health issues or he's just an asshole.

He got mad at me a couple of weeks ago and went and took all the money out of the bank again.

He also got mad at me because a man was looking at me,checking me out.He said I had "glanced" at the guy and invited him to stare at me,that the glance was luring him and meant I was interested. He threw something at me.Called me horrible names and became violent.

I'm backing away from him and this relationship. I'm moving into another bedroom,I'm going to get a job,start my own bank account,save my money and then leave him and divorce him.

It doesn't really matter whether it's his health issues or not,I don't deserve to live this way or be treated this way.And since he's still refusing to get help or take his medication I don't feel a bit fkn guilty right now.

Jun 22, 2019, 11:52 AM

Good for you. No one deserves that kind of treatment, no matter what is going on. Good you're drawing the line and boundary of what's entirely unacceptable to you. And it's great you have a plan! I'm very sorry you've had to endure this. Please do take good care of yourself. You don't need to be in a violent situation. Please be safe and keep your distance as much as possible.

Medusax · Jun 22, 2019, 12:27 PM

I am sorry to hear you are going through this, and twice as sorry for your husband that it I happening to. My older friend is in the moderate stages of dementia and also has heart troubles. He often exhibits the same behaviors you have described. You have my sympathy....

Mopey · Jun 22, 2019, 02:35 PM

Betty - so sorry....

Betty_Banana · Jun 22, 2019, 02:41 PM

And the next time he gets violent with me I'm calling the police.Why should I overlook it? He won't go back to his neurologist,won't take his medication, treats me like **** and expects me to let it all go.

Buffy01 · Jun 22, 2019, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

Instead of giving a very long back story I will try to make this as short as possible.

My husband had a few mini strokes and he is not who he used to be.Not at all.It has changed his personality and it feels like my loving husband has left or died and this man I don't like very well and can't get along with has taken his place.

Everything turns into an argument.Everything that I try to discuss with him goes down hill very quickly and we end up yelling at each other.It doesn't matter how I try to approach him,or when,it's never a good time or a good idea to discuss anything,not even important things.

He seems very rebellious,anything I ask him to do,even hey can you please run this bag of trash outside or hey can you take the dog out for me while I cook turns into a tug of war and a big issue so I end up doing everything myself.He is ok physically,he has no physical effects,it's just his personality and behavior has changed.

I do love him but I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.And I feel SOOOO guilty for even saying any of this because I'm afraid I will get attacked for complaining or even considering leaving him due to something that's not his fault.

I'm just so tired of all the arguing.I try so hard not to,I overlook so much,but after awhile I start feeling like a doormat and like I don't matter at all.An example,he took all the money out of the bank yesterday without telling me.I didn't know until I got an email with our balance this morning.When I tried to talk to him about it he asked what the big deal was,asked me what's the difference in the money being in the bank or in his wallet.I tried to explain that what I was upset about was the fact that he took it all out without even telling me.It turned into a huge argument of course,he said he did nothing wrong and I was just "looking for an excuse to treat him like ****".I walked away from the argument and have been avoiding him all day since then.I am really frustrated because these types of things keep happening.
.
Yes,I have talked to his doctors.Yes he has had testing done.

I am really hurting and torn.I don't want to walk away from him yet I don't think I can continue this way either.

Sometimes I wish I would just die rather than have to even go through this struggle or have to make any kind of decision.And I guess I just needed to finally say this out loud to someone,to anyone,because it's too hard holding it all inside.

Have you thought about looking for counseling design for stroke victim and their familes?

Buffy01 · Jun 22, 2019, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by downandlonely

Do you mind sharing what the doctors said? It sounds like maybe he has some dementia. I don't know if a stroke can cause that. It must be very difficult living with someone who has changed so much. I don't really have any advice for you, but I would not blame you if you decided to leave him.

I completely agree!

Buffy01 · Jun 22, 2019, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

The doctor said he has cognitive and memory issues but it's "not quite dementia".

Perhaps he doesn't recognize you and confused with a stranger. I heard of this happening before.

Betty_Banana · Jun 25, 2019, 08:51 AM

I'm calm and ok now.I feel stupid for writing all the stuff I did about a divorce.I was just sooo extremely upset,frustrated and burned out.

It was a good thing though because I did get so upset that I told him my plans and even slept in a different bedroom.And guess what? He actually called and made a doctor appointment himself.He doesn't go for a few weeks but holy cow I'm happy about it.

Open Eyes · Jun 26, 2019, 10:41 PM

((Betty)) you are allowed to vent here. You have been very challenged and it's only normal you would get to a point where you get so frustrated you need to vent it someplace.

eskielover · Jun 27, 2019, 09:24 AM

Sometimes we have to get to that final draw the line point. It can go either way in the end.....glad you got the response that yiu were wanting, for him to make that dr's appointment......see how it goes. Maybe he needed you to do that to know you are serious & not willing to fool around with this any longer.

I still chuckle at my now ex-H's response when I left him. His comment: "I thought since you tolerated me for 33 years you would tolerate me for the rest of our lives: NOT!!!! There comes a point where enough is enough & we have to take a stand. Good for you. Hope it does work out for a better future.

Betty_Banana · Jul 04, 2019, 08:56 AM

I've decided it's time to have a little ceremony/service for the old him.Just ne though,just me and a few pictures from before. Along with all the thoughts and feelings and hurt and pain I have.

I HAVE to let go of who and how he used to be so that I can move forward and accept who he is now.

Of course I'm not going to tell anybody in RL about it.

It needs to be done and it's time to do it

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