RANT: Like the title says, people just ****.

Someone was SO unsupportive towards me just now, projecting ALL their issues onto me. I am SO sick of that crap.

STOP projecting and get REAL with yourself and deal with your own issues, is what I have to say about that!

And people at work? Taking credit for ALL my hard work???? Again and again? It's happened now with THREE different people!!

SLIMY. SLEEZY, UNETHICAL!

I AM DONE.

And why do people blame the VICTIM in an abusive situation?? ANYONE can fall victim to abuse. It is NOT helpful and it does NOT help the victim whatsoever to feel blamed for the abuse that occurred to them, OR responsible for ever having gotten involved. The victim is NOT to be blamed! The victim needs compassion, understanding, validation, and healing, NOT BLAME. That's the LAST thing that will help anyone ever recover from abuse.

I AM SO DONE WITH THIS WORLD and THE PEOPLE IN IT.

I want to get off the train now. Screw it. I am going to avoid ALL people from now on.

About blaming the abuse victim, blaming them for staying or for even getting involved:

There is usually some rationalization for blaming the victim, most commonly, that the victim could have escaped the situation or avoided it in the first place.

Victims may or may not be benefited by concrete assistance, but validation of their experiences are essential for sanity and growth. The tendency to blame survivors has some additional elements:

• Failure to recognize the simple fact that attempting to leave a relationship is blocked or punished by the primary aggressor most of the time. Someone who has not experienced this may have trouble imagining this.
• Confusion with the "duty to mitigate damages" from contract law. Abuse is not just a breach of contract, and human relationships are not subject to contract law!
• Confusion of submission with consent.
• Confusion of tolerance with consent. Most people endure some meanness from their partners because they consider it an aberration that won't be repeated. The systematic nature of domestic violence only becomes clear over time.
• Survivors blame themselves for the abuse (this is victim self-blaming). They of course are aided in this by the primary aggressor who is constantly blaming them. Therefore, they for a long time stay in the relationship and try to change their own behavior to end the abuse. When and if they retroactively reframe the experience as abusive, they deserve validation, even if they stayed "when something was wrong."
• Final clarity by a survivor that the relationship is abusive and unworkable can not be retro-actively applied to earlier in the relationship when the survivor was bewildered about what was happening.
• Even where the survivor recognizes the abuse and its inevitability, she may stay in a relationship because it appears to be (and may in fact be) her best option in life considering the difficulties and lack of support she faces alone. Where all options are bad, a choice does not constitute consent to the the downsides of any option chosen, rather just acquiescence. If later, better options arise, validation is warranted about abuse when options were all poor.
• The effects of abuse (confusion, low self-esteem, bitterness, lessened sensitivity to danger, etc..(many more)) are erroneously attributed to the survivor as personal characteristics that lead her to "choose" the abusive situation.

Staying where there has been abuse does not constitute consent or permission for the abuse!

I am outraged that victim blaming occurs on here.

Ooh.... oopsy! I didn't realize that this may have sounded a certain way.... I am sick of people IRL. And primarily in my work environment, but also outside of that IRL. I have included, however, in my gripes list a couple issues I've run across on PC.... one being victim blaming in abusive situations, which really does bother & anger me.

[SorryShaped]

I don't know you enough to lay any blame. I accept that you are whom you are. I dislike that you're in pain and want to be able to take that away, but I cannot fix the world. I can't even fix me. Therefore, I commisurate with you and tell you it likely isn't your fault. I believe you, being human, have made mistakes, but the mistakes of others that have cost you is their cross to bare. Know that you aren't alone in hurting. I'm wanting better, for you, me, and everyone, even the jerks that messed us up in the first place.

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I don't know you enough to lay any blame. I accept that you are whom you are. I dislike that you're in pain and want to be able to take that away, but I cannot fix the world. I can't even fix me. Therefore, I commisurate with you and tell you it likely isn't your fault. I believe you, being human, have made mistakes, but the mistakes of others that have cost you is their cross to bare. Know that you aren't alone in hurting. I'm wanting better, for you, me, and everyone, even the jerks that messed us up in the first place.

That's the best thing anyone could have said in response. Thank you!!!

[downandlonely]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Victim blaming pisses me off too.

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I'm sorry you're going through this. Victim blaming pisses me off too.

Thank you!

I appreciate it!

Yesterday was a particularly BAD DAY.

I was full of the worst kind of feelings towards people in my life that are treating me poorly and mainly at work.

I couldn't believe when my colleague took over my presentation in a client meeting, she spoke FOR ME, and started presenting MY 10-page strategy document to the client, using the words, "WE are recommending these strategies".. when I worked for two weeks to pull all the research, data and strategy plan together, NOT HER.

I couldn't freaking believe it!!!

I was SO angry at her, I was literally physically shaking in my chair as I watched her speak FOR ME.

She didn't even introduce me to the client. She just started talking about my strategies, as though they were her own to present and discuss.

I truly hope she gets fired.

I went to HR this time. Hell yes I did. That is entirely unacceptable and HR is going to know about it.

I am beside myself.

Today we have another client meeting (same client, more people).

I told her yesterday, "do NOT speak to MY work. I will talk about MY document, MY work and MY strategies myself". Yes, I confronted HER directly as well, and I also spoke about it with our account manager, who was also present and in the meeting and who is supposed to introduce me to the client.

I am all for being a part of a team and team effort, etc but this is different.

I am taking over the strategy from her because it's not doing well. I was told to improve our strategies.

It is coming off her plate now and I am now in charge.

I would never criticize HER work, or make it seem like her strategies were bad in front of our client.

I was planning on bridging the gap so that she wouldn't look bad. And what does she do instead? She tries to take credit for my work!

ARGH!!!!!!

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're going through ALL of this, golden_eve! Victim blaming sure is AWFUL and I'm so sorry you've had to experience it! You did good by standing up for yourself with your colleague. Hopefully she'll understand and behave better next time. Sometimes we just need to make our voice heard. Hang in there. You will get through this. I know you will. You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! You KNOW that! Keep working on yourself and keep trying your best. Things CAN and WILL get better at some point. I hope you have someone supporting you IRL. If you don't, we'll gladly support you here on PC. You're very much loved here. THAT'S A PROMISE! Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to. My inbox is always open for you. Keep fighting and keep trying your best. Please hang in there. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, golden_eve!

Aww, thanks @MickeyCheeky!

I honestly do not believe things are going to get better... not at work at least. It's just gotten worse, as I see the sliminess of how many people operate in this company! My boss has tried to take credit for my work, another colleague as well, and now this woman!

And yes, victim blaming is not right... victims of abuse need support, not blame for their mistake in getting involved. That's the last thing an abuse victim needs to hear.

I know what you are talking about.

I think victim blaming is a form of abuse. What scares me is that the pattern followed by the victim-blamer mimics the pattern of the abuser.

First, she provokes by blaming you
And then when you get frustrated and upset,
She says, "Wow, you've got issues"

I'm thinking, hey, that's what my abuser used to do!

Now, I don't know if the similarities between them are coincidental or intentional. But the bottom line is that they both hurt the victim.

Originally Posted by ennie

I know what you are talking about.

I think victim blaming is a form of abuse. What scares me is that the pattern followed by the victim-blamer mimics the pattern of the abuser.

First, she provokes by blaming you
And then when you get frustrated and upset,
She says, "Wow, you've got issues"

I'm thinking, hey, that's what my abuser used to do!

Now, I don't know if the similarities between them are coincidental or intentional. But the bottom line is that they both hurt the victim.

@ennie, Omg, that is exactly it!!!! It IS abusive. That's why I got so upset.

[seesaw]

I am a firm believer that we can learn from all our interactions and relationships and learn how to protect ourselves, but that's when WE are ready to look back with that lens, not when someone else is dictating to us to do so, and certainly not when dealing with the trauma of what they did to us.

Example: you forget to lock your door and someone steals all your stuff. You are a victim, and it's a violation - you need to process the trauma. At some point though, when you're through the shock, it's good to look back and say "okay, lesson learned too though, going to lock my door." HOWEVER, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT SOMEONE STOLE FROM YOU. Leaving a door unlocked does not make it your fault. Theft is still theft. Just like abuse is still abuse. Abuse is not excused because you stayed in the relationship. It does not become your fault somehow because you couldn't leave or get out sooner.

I definitely think there are ways to EMPOWER victims and give them agency by seeing where they can have control over situations, but this has to be done carefully so it's not victim blaming. It can be very healing to empower the victim and give them agency, but again, if you cross over into making them feel blamed or shamed, it just makes it worse. That's why it's often best to let someone get to this point on their own, with encouragement but not direction.

I'm sort of the opposite. I always try to see how I could have changed it, like trying to empower myself, and it's detrimental because there was NOTHING I could do. I was a child. I have to stop thinking I can learn something from my father abusing me, lol. Sometimes we have to accept that abusers just abuse. We can't understand the why.

Hope you are feeling better, Golden_eve. You are not to blame for you abuse.

Yes... agreed. I also think many victims blame themselves and project onto others how they feel about their own abusive situations... ie how could they have prevented it.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Yes... agreed. I also think many victims blame themselves and project onto others how they feel about their own abusive situations... ie how could they have prevented it.

Could we ever really have prevented it though? Like we could talk all we want about how things MIGHT have been different if we did something different but we will never know if things would have been different or exactly the same because we can't predict the future or redo the past and see what happens. There are so many variables. So it's actually just pointless to try to think of how we could have changed the situation (or blame the victim) bc abusers are going to abuse.

Originally Posted by seesaw

Could we ever really have prevented it though? Like we could talk all we want about how things MIGHT have been different if we did something different but we will never know if things would have been different or exactly the same because we can't predict the future or redo the past and see what happens. There are so many variables. So it's actually just pointless to try to think of how we could have changed the situation (or blame the victim) bc abusers are going to abuse.

SO true.

Like with my abusive ex fiance? Had I known he would become abusive towards me when I moved him here? I never would have done it... had I seen signs of abuse before then? I never would have done it. He hid his true self from me, at long distance, for five months. I did not see that side of him, nor did I know anything about it.

Like I wrote in another thread, anyone can get caught in an abusive situation with an abuser. They don't show their true colors right away, and they put their best foot forward in the beginning, just like everyone else. And childhood abuse? Children are totally dependent on their caretakers... and are totally innocent victims. Even worse, because they don't know how people are yet and are not old enough to even understand yet.

So, no... abuse cannot really be prevented. I get angry when people try to state or insinuate otherwise.

And only AFTER I experienced al the trauma and abusive crap from my ex, did I regret my decision to move him here. I was placed in a very tough situation when he became homeless all of a sudden. I had a heart, and couldn't just easily leave and walk away from him at that point in time.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

[divine1966]

You are certainly not to blame for his abuse. It’s good to reflect so it doesn’t happen again but surely you didn’t cause him to behave this way.

I think your own lack of clarity (understandable) made it difficult for people to know what support you need. On one hand you are agreeing he is user and abuser and you should just move on but on the other one you argued that it wasn’t the case and you focus on how much he loved you and how you have to forgive him and keep checking up on him and even anticipate his contact.

So it’s hard to tell if you want support with moving on with your life or support with seeking declaration of love from him and asking for forgiveness from this guy. In my opinion he is a rather lousy human being and isn’t worth another 5 minutes of your or anyone else’s time. Sure he could become an upstanding citizen but I’d not hold my breath plus he is hopefully out of your life.

It’s hard to provide support when it’s not clear what the person wants. I doubt anyone wished you harm in all this.

@divine1966, I understand, Divine. I think it's a very mixed bag with him. And I know that most people mean no harm... most. Some people have caused upset, and perhaps they were not aware of it. Most have been very supportive around this, however, and I have greatly appreciated everyone's help.

To be really clear on this, since it's been confusing:

On the one hand, I believe that he took advantage of my generosity and kindness.. because he is manipulative and a con artist. He took advantage of me due to his addiction and he took advantage of my love for him, I feel.

However, not once have I said or claimed that he used me...

Others on here have said that, which has only just angered me to go on the defensive to state that I believe he did truly love me....

he never would have told me this each and every day if he didn't love me, and he would not have emailed me at one point telling me he had never loved anyone more. He also told me repeatedly that I was everything to him, his whole world, his purpose for being here and he called me his "family".

On the flip side, he told me in the end as we broke up, that he loved his other ex more than me... throwing everything into question, naturally.

Naturally I am going to then ask myself & question: DID he just use me, even though the evidence I witnessed all pointed to the opposite.

But I got upset when people just flat our tried to tell me he did use me. To me, it's more complex & layered than that.

What I really wanted in terms of support was specific advice on the HOW of forgiveness....

like what thoughts I can hold in order to forgive him and fully let go now?

It has become a bit confused and convoluted on here due to the many different details. But the titles of two of my threads having to do with him are about forgiveness... and how...

I hope this helps to clarify!!

Originally Posted by golden_eve

So, no... abuse cannot really be prevented. I get angry when people try to state or insinuate otherwise.

I realize this will make you angry, but I completely disagree, and I think it's dangerous that people insist otherwise.

I'd like to ask why you believe this and discuss it further, but if you don't want to, I understand.

@theoretical, no I do not care to discuss it. If you would like to hear more about this topic, please read my other thread on victim blaming:

Victim Blaming is Never OK!

PLEASE anyone else..... if you want to argue that abuse can be prevented, please do not post on this thread. Thank you kindly in advance. I am most adamantly AGAINST victim blaming.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

@theoretical, no I do not care to discuss it. If you would like to hear more about this topic, please read my other thread on victim blaming:

Victim Blaming is Never OK!

I've already read it.

I may open a separate thread on the topic at some point, because I really would like to discuss it at length. I don't want you to see it as a jab at you or anything like that.

@theoretical, it's not a jab at me since you've stated that you want to open a new thread on the topic. That's your right. I appreciate the heads up, which is very respectful of you.

[DazedandConfused254]

I am so sorry that you are going through all of these tests and trials! You have frequently provided me hope when I have been at low points according to some of my previous threads and don't just believe, I KNOW that your presence is crucial both online and IRL. I have already seen the evidence that you are a powerful person and are capable of overcoming any obstacles in life.

I attended a university that had a melting pot of opinions and unique experiences, so this also included more people coming to light about abuse and assault. I also had to do a brief online course and quiz over recognizing abuse and sexual harrassment before applying to grad school, which was not required when I did undergrad at the same uni. Even with all the measures taken to ensure protection against sexual assault, there's often still a crowd where I live that says things like "she must have deserved it" or "what was she wearing", which just makes my skin crawl every time. This is definitely a form a victim blaming, which is disempowering to both abuse and assault. When I have learned more about sexual assault, my judgment was deemed valid and correct over reminder emails and on-campus seminars regarding assault when they conclude "assault is NEVER the fault of the victim". And even with two seemingly unlike scenarios, I know from tying my logic into your situation, further developed with knowledge about sexual assault, that NONE of the abuse is your fault. You have every right to express your desires, tastes, and needs to be respected as a human being, as is universal with all people.

I'll be thinking about you in the coming days!

Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254

I am so sorry that you are going through all of these tests and trials! You have frequently provided me hope when I have been at low points according to some of my previous threads and don't just believe, I KNOW that your presence is crucial both online and IRL. I have already seen the evidence that you are a powerful person and are capable of overcoming any obstacles in life.

I attended a university that had a melting pot of opinions and unique experiences, so this also included more people coming to light about abuse and assault. I also had to do a brief online course and quiz over recognizing abuse and sexual harrassment before applying to grad school, which was not required when I did undergrad at the same uni. Even with all the measures taken to ensure protection against sexual assault, there's often still a crowd where I live that says things like "she must have deserved it" or "what was she wearing", which just makes my skin crawl every time. This is definitely a form a victim blaming, which is disempowering to both abuse and assault. When I have learned more about sexual assault, my judgment was deemed valid and correct over reminder emails and on-campus seminars regarding assault when they conclude "assault is NEVER the fault of the victim". And even with two seemingly unlike scenarios, I know from tying my logic into your situation, further developed with knowledge about sexual assault, that NONE of the abuse is your fault. You have every right to express your desires, tastes, and needs to be respected as a human being, as is universal with all people.

I'll be thinking about you in the coming days!

@DazedandConfused254... oh my god... your post, your kindness, and your incredibly supportive words and story just brought me to tears...

I am SO deeply grateful for your post right now, AND for you!!!

THANK YOU. This means the world to me, what you just said.

And yes, to add to what you said: victim blaming and victim shaming is a part of our culture in so many ways!!!! It is really so disheartening and upsetting to witness & hear about.....

Victims need validation of their abuse and experience as a victim. Victims already experience feelings of shame and self-blame.

I could go on and on about the topic.

I got really upset when someone tried to claim things that were not even accurate about my abusive relationship, not even a little bit, and when they turned it around onto ME, making it MY fault somehow... making me feel even worse than I already do! It was most upsetting.