Feel like I'm the bad guy, no matter what I do.

I'm not expecting them to accommodate my son's need for timed calls, I'm expecting them to provide my partner with the same information which they've given everyone else so that WE can work around THEM. If I expected them to accommodate his needs I'd have already organised times, regardless of when their wedding is.

What we are trying to do is exactly what we've done other times, it is what works, and it's what all professionals involved have said is the best course of action.
Not having details (which, again, everyone else BUT my partner have) is going to cause serious issues. My son needs to know roughly what's happening, which isn't putting anyone out at all (again, same information every other invitee has). Not being able to give him this information causes him such severe anxiety that he has meltdowns, which puts both him and myself at serious risk, especially as son weighs only a few kgs less than me.

It literally does not put these people out one freaking bit to tell partner what time their ceremony and reception are so we can make at least one time that doesn't interfere with that. I'm trying to work around them but without basic information I can't.

Seriously, who plans their wedding and doesn't tell their best man what time it is?!

Does the son go to school? Or is he homeschooled? I believe that people with disabilities need to be accommodated and their needs have to be addressed but at the same time children with disabilities should be taught strategies how to navigate this world when things aren’t 100% perfect.

It’s setting him for failures in life if everyone (including strangers who don’t even care about him) must always inform him of exact time frame of every single thing. I am speaking from experience. He needs to be slowly prepared that some things could be a bit flexible. “Dad will call you in the morning”. Telling him dad must call at 8am is setting him for failure because dad might have to go to the bathroom at 8am. Wedding ceremonies and receptions could be delayed. Exact time is not realistic

It’s a waste of time trying to get an answer why people do what they do. You’d never get an answer.

You can only control what you do and to extend you can control your family life. If your son becomes dangerous when he has meltdowns and your life is at risk then either professionals need to get involved and be in your house 24/7 or he needs to be taken in the hospital or your partner has to stay home.

Your partner is choosing to go to this wedding without you and without even knowing any details. You don’t have high expectations of your partner but you put high expectations on these strangers who can’t care less about you. You know they won’t change because they treated you poorly for years.

I agree with divine1966. You need to let go of having an exact time for your partner to call your son while he is away. Stop. That is not the real issue here. The real issue here is that you are refusing to go with the flow with your autistic son. My autistic nephew is forced to go with the flow b/c of his parents' and siblings' lives. It's taken him years to adapt but he has, and now he no longer punches, kicks, screams, or bites. But that is only because my sister and her husband and two children were patient and worked with my autistic nephew to show him how to adapt to stressful situations and circumstances. Have you tried to do that yet with your son? Autistic children NEED their caregivers to show them that skill. They need it. If they aren't given that skill, they will be harmed by the world, esp. the government system set up to benefit them. I am a staunch supporter of autistic people and I hate it when I read a caregiver's account such as yours, who refuses to be flexible for the sake of their autistic child. You can't control anyone but yourself. Stop this obsessing about this stupid wedding accommodating you. It's not going to happen. Stop berating your partner. Stop threatening him. It's not his fault what his friends do. Just stop it. He's not being selfish. He's been put in the middle by you, and is being manipulated BY YOU. Just stop it!

You are definitely setting up your son for more distress by putting such rigid expectations on your partner and your partner's friends to accommodate you. These people getting married are focused on themselves as they should be. Why should they accommodate you? So, they haven't been upfront with your partner about the ceremony and reception times. Again, stop obsessing about that and instead, focus on teaching your son how to adapt to change b/c when he gets older, if you don't teach him those adaptive skills, you are setting him up to fail. My autistic nephew used to be rigid and would have HUGE meltdowns until his family caregivers showed him how to adapt. Now, he at 16 he doesn't fly into rages anymore. He knows how to ask for help and he has buddies at school who help him in regular mainstream classrooms and teachers who help him and parents who compromise their rigid belief systems and routines to help my autistic nephew.

This is your chance to stop being rigid and to work with the circumstances you've been thrown by these friends of your partners. Stop wasting time arguing about the stupid times and start problem solving how to deal with your son's separation anxiety that you've done before. Or you are setting yourself and your family system up for a totally un-necessary negative outcome b/c you refuse to let go of your rigid expectations which is causing you, your partner, and your son grief that doesn't need to be.

You seem to have assumed that I haven't already gone over and over and over this and tried to find other solutions.

What helps my son is strong physical input- strong hugs, physically mucking around, jumping on a trampoline, swinging, all things I am physically unable to do or that we do not have the space for because we live in an apartment with no parks close by (they've been doing a huge rebuild for months now).
Beyond that, what helps is giving him as much information as possible so that he knows what to expect and when.

Given all physical options are out that only leaves routine.

Do you think it's fun having to push to get basic information (again, information they've had no issue giving to others)?

I WANT my partner to go to this wedding, it's his best friend!
I HATE that we have no help or support and that that's making this whole damn thing incredibly difficult.
I HATE that I even have to think about all of this but this I do.

We've done as much work as we can around son's separation anxiety with me and he no longer has meltdowns when I'm out.
Partner won't go and do things with his friends (he's frequently used son and I as an excuse to not catch up with friends) so we have no chance to work on his separation anxiety with partner, which means son still has meltdowns when separated from him.

So I've got to wonder what exactly you think I should do that doesn't put myself and my son at risk?

I'm sorry but I disagree with your perception that you've done as much work as you can around your son's separation anxiety. He's still young, so he can still learn. Your partner shouldn't be held prisoner in his own home, b/c you allow your son's rigidity to dictate both of your lives. Who does that help exactly? I'm not attacking you because I empathize with how helpless you both probably feel as adults with an autistic child. But you can't let your son dictate your lives. You have to be in control here. Not him.

Have you applied for a service dog for your son? A service dog can help him cope with separation anxiety.

I'm just saying, there are resources out there -- no matter what country you live in -- for autistic support. It's just a matter of finding a way to get those resources that is the problem b/c its time-consuming, wading through loopholes, exceptions, and everything.

You need to work on your son's separation anxiety with your partner and figure out how to do that, or your partner will forever be a prisoner in your home and how exactly is that fair to him? I typed "techniques to stop separation anxiety in autism" and a multitude of websites populated. So, you have resources online you can try. But you have to try. Not trying, is the worst thing you can do for your son, for your partner, and most of all for yourself and the health of your family overall. Your son needs to be taught coping skills with regards to separating from your partner. Whether its by you, your partner, or a third party. But those skills will help him later in his adult life, whatever that looks like.

My nephew is almost 6ft 4 and he is barely verbal with his autism. But, he has been taught how to cope with separation from his siblings and his parents through verbal cues and different activities. For example, maybe giving your son gum to chew will calm him down. Maybe playing hide and seek with your partner will teach him about separation and that there is always a positive outcome. My point is, not to beat you up, but to urge you to open yourself up to exploring ALL the different methods that exist -- whether they come from autistic experts, or other parents of autistic children. You have to try something. Change is inevitable in life. Especially with autism.

I totally understand your struggles. But none of it is these people’s fault. They aren’t obligated to provide anyone with anything.
They’ll drive your guy there and he’ll attend it and they’ll drive him back.

It’s his choice to go. Either ask him to stay home or go with him (stay in a hotel) or let it go.

If your son is in such a bad shape that he can’t function in these circumstances, wouldn’t government provide some services for him? Where are you at?

I see you are in Australia. I have never heard of both parents being caregivers. Are you both on disability? Would your partner get a job at some point? If yes how would your son handle it? Some jobs don’t allow phone calls and some are very unpredictable. Call kids doctor and say that you are at loss as these people don’t provide weddings time to you. They might have suggestions

I feel bad for you, that you feel so overwhelmed about your partner going to this friend's wedding. I don't know how old your autistic son is, or how violent he gets with regards to how he expresses his anxiety. I am on your side, OP. Believe it or not.

These people organizing the wedding are just being mean and rude. They seem to enjoy causing problems for people so stay completely away from them. If I were you, I would gladly not go. Not to the wedding or anywhere else with them. Personally I hate weddings anyway. And if I made fun plans of my own for that time frame, I might even tell my partner to find his own way there without the use of my car. Maybe you and your partner can work on developing a new set of friends? Invest your time and emotions in your own friendships.

These are good thoughts Sisabel. I also hate weddings. So much fuss and exhibitionism. Quite tiresome often with very little to do with togetherness and love and marriage.

Sorry you are struggling with this situation Foreign_Soul. You have a lot on your plate! I understand why you are feeling hurt. I think you are due for some smoother sailing in the future. I wish that for you, your other half, and your son. Feel free to PM me any time...I always have a hug to give or a friendly cheering up message. Peace and hope to you

Well the groom's sister took a photo of her invite and sent it to partner tonight (after these messages between him and bride) and the RSVP date was 2months ago!
This wasn't just a misunderstanding or forgetfulness. 😞

They wanted him there and be available all day. It’s possible they didn’t want to send specific details because they didn’t want you to know. If they didn’t want him there he’d not be invited and wouldn’t have accommodations for him. For whatever reason
they don’t like you. I’d not bother with these people anymore

How sad and strange. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Have you decided if you're going to let your partner go to his best friend's wedding?

It's not my place to "decide" this for my partner. I've told him what I would do in the situation (there is other information, which I won't share, which makes it very clear that the bride doesn't want him there) but at the end of the day this is his friend and it's his decision.

Thanks to the groom's sister we have actual times now, so we're able to organise times for phone calls, which is all I wanted to begin with.

Partner is still feeling very left out and I've encouraged him to talk to his friend about it, but I can't do more than that.

They don’t sound like nice people. And some people have different expectations of weddings. I’d not confront anyone and just keep my space from them.

I am glad that you were able to get the timing info though I'm sorry it took so much effort and stress to get it. Bravo for honoring your partner's boundaries in a complicated situation....that will serve your relationship well in future times

As for the friends and the feelings you and your partner have....perhaps those could be addressed at a later point when the dust has settled so to speak? So much going on prior to a wedding...tension and stress....may not be an easy time for your other half to have helpful discourse with his friend. Just a thought for you both. From what I gather, the bride and groom have been very disrespectful toward yourself and your partner. It's always important to remember that when we love and honor a friend, we need to also respect their partner. Disrespecting the partner is also a mark of disrespect for one's friend. We certainly don't have to love our friends' partners but we must respect them. I would say, if your partner wants to go to the wedding he could perhaps just keep a low profile and ride it out. After the wedding is over, maybe he can take some time to think about the relationships with his friends and decide whether he wants to have a discussion or just draw a line and move on. For what it's worth, in my opinion, the lengths they (bride or groom or both) have gone to in order to exclude and avoid and forget basic decorum and manners would make me think that these are friendships one would be better off without. Perhaps friendship is not even an accurate term at this point?

That said, I do not live in your thoughts and feelings or those of your partner. So of course I cannot determine what is best for you folks. You'll both know what to do when the time is right. You have my support.