Out of Sight Out of Mind

She blew off my calls and texts for years. Finally I just didn’t ever ask her any questions anymore and never expected a response. I would send a text telling her I loved her and that I hoped she was having a good day... stuff like that. No questions and no expectations. That’s still my rule in all my communication with her. I don’t ask her questions and I have no expectations.

That’s very unusual behavior on her part. There must have been some issue; either she was angry at you or she was too ashamed of herself to respond— I can only conjecture.

You make a good point though, about having no expectations. Maybe the questions you asked felt judgmental to her.

I haven’t even been judgmental with him, although I don’t like what I am seeing. Maybe he knows I am judgmental without my even saying it.

My h texted our son saying he hadn’t responded to me and we wanted to see him on that day if he was free. He texted me back that he saw me text but didn’t read it and he was sorry. This means to me that he was very distracted and didn’t care enough to read the text that had content. It was only two sentences which included a date and started with the words, “We are coming...”

So, I don’t think it is anger on his part or intentional slight. It was just that he did not care enough to read my text.

I think any time you put something like that out there online and ask for others' thoughts, you can't guarantee you are going to like all the answers you get. People have shared their ideas and experiences, you can take what you want from it and ignore the rest.

That wasn't my intent. I was actually trying to be encouraging that there might be a different way to see this that could help things work out for you. I was offering a perspective that might be worth thinking about. We do our best, generally, as parents, and sometimes we can't always see the forest for the trees so to speak, and lord knows we are so emotionally involved that sometimes, let's face it, we aren't particularly objective about our kids.

Sorry if I offended. That wasn't my intent.

Sorry if I offended you TishaBuv. I'm currently away from my computer. I could write more ideas to help later if you like or dial it back to a hug or leave your thread be entirely if you prefer. Just let me know.

For what's it's worth, I don't think you are "the problem" or "wrong" or any such thing. You are a human struggling with some problems like me and all the other humans!!!

Peace to you and a big safe hug!

I’m not offended. There is something about the details I give and the opinions I have that I seem to get criticized for.

IMHO, I wasn’t too much of a hover parent. I do listen to my kids. Yes, I called him sneaky— he was sneaky! He could have deposited those checks into his account where I fed him money as needed. Had he told us about the job and the income, we would not have fed the account more money— hence he was sneaky. We only found out about it because the 1099 came to the house from his earnings. That’s when he confessed he had the job.

At least I didn’t bribe someone at the university to get him in like Lori Lachlan, lol. This kid got in on his own merit and he worked hard to get there. But then he didn’’t do the extra things the grad school wanted to see (not me), and he is doing all the things that made life easier for his fiancé, including taking on her student loans.

I am staying out of it and letting him sink or swim on his own.

I’ll just keep on as I have been doing, sending him a weekly text to say hello.

He seems happy with his relationship. I wish them all the best. What do I know, anyway? I’ve had a pretty unhappy marriage that hangs on by a thread.

I sometimes wonder what’s normal.

I talk to my daughter a lot and it’s equal back and forth (I’d say we have at least few texts every day and phone phone calls every few days and we are very busy people and have time zone difference )and I always thought that’s what others do too.

My daughter told me that’s actually unusual amount of communication. I was surprised. Actually my therapist said that many parents and adult kids talk only occasionally. I complained how far away she lives and my therapist says “well at least you two talk”, I asked what she meant and she said that others just don’t talk that much.

Now I think maybe what we do it in some kind of old country backwards ways talking that much? My husband talks to my stepdaughter but not extremely often, maybe weekly but she often doesn’t reply to texts. If my daughter didn’t reply to a text I’d think something bad happened. I’d freak out. He doesn’t freak out “oh she’ll reply when she has time”. He doesn’t fuss like I do.

My brother complains that my nephew doesn’t call them (married lives near by), but then my brother doesn’t call him either! My dad wouldn’t call or text us unless we do, he believes it’s our job. I don’t look at it this way. If I want to talk to my daughter, I call.

I know you said you text your son. Have you tried to call? Does he pick up?

Kids don’t answer calls, it goes right to voice mail! They only text. They’ll call if there is really a need for conversation. Believe it or not, I’ve had customers who only want to text. I think it’s a societal thing today.

It’s funny you mention your dad refusing to call and think it should be the other way around. My mother has this same attitude and uses it as manipulation. But there’s this show on Netflix we watched called Shtisel. On it, the grandmother (very old world) does call the children. I pointed this out to my mother to try to show her that she is not correct about this and she should reach out to my sons and call them (as she is angry that they never call her either). Of course, it would go to voice mail, but they would call her back.

When I went to college, my grandmother called me. We developed a close relationship of mutual calling. When I recently told my mother that grandma did call me, she refused to believe me.

I’m glad you are close with your daughter. It’s great to have a close, non toxic relationship!

My son used to tell me so much when he lived at home. I was the parent who got all the questions about sex. My husband did not get any discussions. The boys must have not felt that close to him, rather they did to me.

I absolutely love Shitzel. It’s like the best tv show.

I understand everyone is texting, I was kidding about old country, I am not backwards. Yes people text. But people I know also call or face time. I’d leave a message saying “call me back please”. My brother complains my nephew doesn’t call but when I call my nephew, he answers or call me back and we talk.

Does your son talk to his dad more? I called my mom a lot and she called me when she was still here but I barely called my dad. I do now because mom is gone.

I guess everyone is different. Does your son know how you feel?

He contacts my h when he needs something, and my h contacts him occasionally about funny stuff like articles or media. My h never had much hands-on concern with the kids. I was so much the primary parent that I suppose my h figured I had it all covered. My h’s aloofness toward me has been the basis of my issues with him. His aloofness extended to others as well. He’s been the breadwinner, he’s been here physically every day, but he’s been pretty vacant emotionally until really pushed. His parents were strangely like this too. While my mother is so completely opposite— it’s rather funny.

I don’t want to make any more waves with my son. I feel he resents me for my ‘crying fits’. The first time he was involved in one was last year, when I had a meltdown in the parking lot over a combination of things. Part of it was that he ignored an important thing I asked of him which was simply to call me before buying his fiancé the centers stone for her engagement ring. Now, looking back on that, I see it was part of a pervasive pattern of disrespect. His whole attitude toward me and my ‘emotionality’ has been unsympathetic and cold. I’m convinced the conversation about me between him and his fiancé is to criticize me. I feel she is driving the rift. It hurts that he did not love me enough to have simply had regard for me to begin with and then to remain feeling positive toward me should it be his fiancé is bashing me. I can’t imagine why he would feel angry and critical toward me when I never did anything to make him angry.

If she is a harmful person, he will eventually see it and protect himself, I hope. I just need to stand by and be a good mother to a grown son. I love him very much and I’m sure he knows that.

absolutely all kids criticize their parents or think their parents are off in one way or the other. It comes with the territory. We were placed on this planet to give our kids something to roll their eyes about. Lol I criticize my parents and my kid criticize me and her kids will think she is crazy. It is just how it is

I am sorry to hear about his aloofness. It could be he takes after his father. I can’t say about distancing themselves from over emotional outbursts but it could play a role. I understand distancing at that time like at the time of outburst, but then maybe reconnecting

Could be he had an issue with you being angry or very upset over a ring. I personally have never heard of adults having to call their parents about a ring. In my books it’s strictly between a man and a woman. Zero to do with mom. Most kids would respond with ignoring requests to consult with mom. I don’t think it’s unique to your son. Possible drama over not consulting with you re ring did cause a rift.

But it could be repaired. I routinely say or ask that my daughter does something I don’t think is wise. She doesn’t particularly care that I think it’s unwyse. She does what she wants.

But I think it could be repaired. I wouldn’t blame his fiancée because you don’t know. Sure they possibly talk about you. I talk to my husband about my dad and his crazy demands. But I make my own decisions re relationship with my dad. Is your son very dependent on others? You? Now her? Was he raised a bit overly protected? A lot was given to him? He now finally makes his own decisions? Which might include distance from you?

If he isn’t making steps towards repairing the rift, could you? Like heart to heart? Not emotional but just tell him how you feel? Ask if there is something could be done to change it?

Someone on a FB group that I'm member of recently started a thread about problems with family. So many people responded to that thread from a very small geographical area that I'm beginning to think family problems are as normal as not having problems. There was a lot of psychologising on the thread about "narcissistic" siblings, parents etc - seems to be the new word on the block.

If you have sons who are talking to you.... at all..... I would say that means that you have all done something positive relationally!

TishaBuv, you write often about family letting you down - your siblings and husband and kids. Jeez, I am the last person to comment on that since I've had no immediate family to speak off since a very young age and I am a complete doofus at intimate relationships. It would be lovely for you to have a warm, happy family - both family of origin and current family - but already you have a lot !!! You sound like a restless person wanting to find a new way to use your energies.

For me, telling others that I'm disappointed in them is sometimes about decreasing the loading and intensity of my feelings beforehand so that they can hear me better.
Perhaps with adult children, it can also be a question of consciously building a new relationship with less expectation on either side?

However, my big relief in not having children is not having to deal with my feelings about my in-laws!!! Best of luck with that one!

TishaBuv has left to get a life. Thanks all.

Hey TishaBuv,
I apologise if you read what I wrote in a way that hurt your feelings. It wasn't meant that way at all. I was simply surprised how many people in a small community had huge resentments against their family such that they were not longer in contact at all. It made me appreciate the work that goes into holding together family relationships on both sides, even if the result is less than perfect. You have two sons who are doing well socially and in their studies/ work. You've achieved that through your hard work. I meant to be appreciative of that.
Best wishes your way,
Saidso

Thanks so much for this. People rarely, if ever, go out of their way to care about others’ feelings.

From your post, it resonated with me that I am just pathetic, complaining on here and have no right to. I heard, ‘you are bored and need to get a life’.

Frankly, I know that’s true. I know there is some MH issue with me. I was once diagnosed with MDD. I suppose that’s what I have and why I am too depressed to ‘get a life’.

I’m pretty mortified with myself for posting all my personal details on here, too. It feels like every thread I start, I just get criticized and find myself having to explain and defend myself. Then I get told that I have so much and need to count my blessings and get a life. No offense to well-meaning poster’s honesty. I am smart enough to hear this truth.

I just wanted support for this one subject on this thread regarding my son not calling me, but it went straight to pick apart all my details and tell me to get a life. I’m not angry at anyone. I hear this truth resonate from the people as a whole. So there’s no point in posting anything for me.

Honest to God, Saidso, this kind post from you was more than I got from my whole family! They were intentionally cruel!

A total stranger showed kindness. Thank you.

It's a challenge to learn how to let go when our child gets to that point where they don't require our opinions as much. It sounds like one of your priorities was to be a good mother to your sons. It can definitely feel strange when an older child begins to want more privacy and wants to manage their own money too. The fact that your son wanted to work a job and have money of his own is growth and a good sign. Be glad that he is not doing that for a hidden drug problem.

It definitely is a big adjustment when for so many years you were so involved with a child and all of a sudden that changes. I remember how that felt myself and it's not about "you need a life" either. Instead it's just better to think about this as you having a chance to fill your life with something new.

I'm sorry your one son's distance is hurting you. It seems to me that there is no fault on either side. You are clearly a mother that loves frequent contact with those she loves. He, unlike his brother, likely is a bit more to himself and everything immediately around him. We're all different in this world. I know that many many people are constantly texting others, while others are quiet as if they've fallen off the face of the earth.

My family and I all love each other a great deal, but compared to many other families, we contact each other very little. Here are a few of short stories from the past to the present.

* When I went off to college, I almost never called my parents. My mother called me about once per week to arrange a Saturday or Sunday "lunch together". My college was about 50 mins car drive from my parent's home. My mom loved to have an excuse to get away from my father and enjoy a few hours with me. I enjoyed it, too, but I didn't think about her or anyone else in my family much at all any other time during the week. My dad rarely visited. I did see him on holidays and summer break. No one had any cell phones back in the early 1990s, so there was no texting. I didn't even have a computer during college.

* One summer, my mom was kind enough to pay for a round-trip ticket for me to go to Europe to teach English. That was so kind of her. When I got to my destination in Poland, the program director said we can all call our families from their office phone. I don't even believe I called my parents for the whole entire month. I wasn't thinking about them at all. Actually, I think the only time I did think about them was when my roommate "Joy" received a frantic call from her mother basically saying "You didn't call me this week!" The mother apparently thought Joy might be in some big danger. Meanwhile, my parents were likely not even thinking about me. Does that mean my parents didn't love me as much as Joy's did her? No. That didn't mean I loved my parents less than Joy did hers.

* I moved to CA from NJ with my first love. I don't remember how much I called my mother. I didn't have a cell phone back then either. I did call her occasionally. Maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks? I don't remember.

* I lived in Taiwan for about a year. I didn't call my parents much at all. When I did, I was usually only doing so because of sickness or a major holiday. When I was well, I didn't so much. They figured that if I was dead they'd eventually find out. When I did contact them, if they had wanted more contact I would have made more of an effort. But they focused on their things, and I focused on mine. Believe me that I didn't tell them A LOT! They didn't need to know.

* Unfortunately, my family lost my mother 15 years ago. I love my dad and siblings, but I probably touch base with them by phone once every three weeks or even less. I do email my sister a couple times per week. That's it. I'm not into texting and don't share everything about my life. I love them all, though.

If your son's distance really hurts you, can you ask for a compromise on the contact frequency?

Note: I am a female. I was in my late teens through mid 20s during college through my time in Taiwan. My parents didn't really worry about me, like many parents worry about their children nowadays. Yes, we were different than other people. Yes, it was a different time, though I don't believe it was any more of a dangerous time. I actually appreciated my parents' hands-off approach.

Hi, TishaBuv.

I get what you mean. My parents kind of felt that way about me, but it doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about them.

Also, there's friends of mine that I won't talk to for months, even years. But when I see them again, or reach out to them, they're always happy to hear from me.

With social media and texting being so common, I think it's easy to expect instant, or at least regular, communication from people. Especially those you love. But what usually happens is people get busy and they can't get to everything right now. In other words, don't overthink it! You have better things to occupy your time.

That being said, if you feel ignored or, as they say nowadays, "ghosted" by him, communicate that to him. And I agree with anyone who suggested not giving him more money. If he's old enough to get married, he should be somewhat financially stable. If you feel like you're getting taking advantage of, please tell him.

I didn’t realize that this man, who thinks he is an adult enough to play house and even get married, is financially dependent on his parents. You are paying for his health insurance, car insurance and his phone? Phone?? He can’t pay for his own phone?

He isn’t embarrassed to be supported by his parents all while playing house with a girl? And he doesn’t even bother calling his parents? He bought this girl engagement ring (with what money?) all while living off his parents and not even calling them. The whole story is now in a different light The gravy train had to stop awhile ago. Why is he getting married if he isn’t independent?

I’d be so hurt! His hands are in your pockets but he can’t bother call you. That’s hurtful! I thought the guy is all on his own completely self sufficient and wants to assert his independence. Doesn’t look like he is asserting independence living on your dime. It’s shocking