[Icedgem]

My friend is going through some hard times. Money, relationship, health etc and on more than one occasion has said she feels hopeless and doesn't know how to carry on.
She called me recently in floods of tears saying she didn't want to live and wanted to just stop feeling this way.

We suggest for to meet to talk things through. When we met she was more calm but kept talking about EVERYTHING else apart form her problems. I went along with this as thought maybe she wanted some regular chit chat before getting I to something heavy.
As the afternoon progressesed she started to say she needed to head off home. I asked if she still wanted to share her thoughts and she totally blew up at me saying things such as well what do you want me to say?! We've been talking about crap for the past hour when did I get a chance to take able me?!

She left and it was horrible she was crying again.

I feel awful, she is obviously hurting but seems to be avoiding it... Any idea what's going on it why she may be behaving this way. I want to be there for her but just have no idea how.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you and your friends are hurting SO MUCH, Icedgem It seems like she wants to avoid talking about those problems because she's afraid of getting hurt more if she does. That's my opinion anyway. As for what you can do to help her, I'd say that just listening to what she has to say is more than enough. However her decision to talk is up to HER. Perhaps she just wants someone to talk to, not necessarely about her problems. In that case I'd say that you're already helping her out. Whether or not she wants to open up more will be up to her. Of course I'm not saying that you did WRONG by asking her that. In fact I'd say it was kind of you. Just remind her that you'll be there for her if she wants to discuss heavy things but that you'll be available if she just wants to talk about something else as well. Does she see a therapist right now? I certainly hope so. Perhaps you can try to suggest her that if you feel like she'll listen to you. Hopefully she won't take it as an attack. Either way, just be there and listen to her if she wants to talk. That's what you can do as a friend. Getting the help she needs is up to her. You can give soem advice but the final decision is on HER shoulders. Stay safe and take GREAT care of yourself as your health is VERY important as well. We can't fully help others if we're not helping ourselves first. Just try to do your best. That's ALL we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you and your friend, Icedgem, and to ALL the people you love and who love you!

[Open Eyes]

It sounds to me like you were there for your friend. Sometimes a person can be so challenged with things going on in their life that they need to engage in something different that provides them with a break from all the challenge and stress. She came to you crying and then got a chance to experience sitting with a friend and talking about other things which gave her a break from all the things that were challenging her. She may have needed that more than to just sit and talk about all these challenges which is why she got short with you when you tried to get her to sit and talk about the things that she was struggling with. That added to her thinking about not really getting a break and feeling heavy hearted returning to her very challenged life. If she talked about other things then it may have been what she needed to do to get a break so all the challenges don't end up definining all of her.

[divine1966]

She maybe wanted a distraction from her problems and simply meeting with you having a good time and talk about nothing bad.

Being a friend doesn’t always mean you want to unload drama on them at all times or ask them to share their pains when they aren’t up to it.

I am currently grieving untimely death of my mother. It doesn’t mean when I go out with friends I want to bring up my mother in the middle of a restaurant and even worse, start crying.

I think if you want to be there for your friend you can kind of take her lead on it. If she didn’t want to discuss bad stuff, there was no need for it. Meeting up with you gave her a reprieve from a problem. Talking about problems is important but that’s not always needed or required or timely.

I belong to a group of 4 girlfriends who we sometimes discuss life challenges with or sometimes we just have a good time. It depends. But whoever has current challenges is the one to bring it up. It’s not for others to harass us about sharing. We share when we want to not when others wants us to

[divine1966]

Also not talking to others about personal problems at any given moment doesn’t mean one is avoiding it. Timing might be wrong, don’t feel like talking, talked about it already to someone else etc.

[eskielover]

That is EXACTLY why I have my therapist now since we have worked through my past issues.....it is because I refuse to burden my friends with the details of things I am still struggling with.

Friends are best for diverting away frkm problems.....therapists are for helping guide through them.

It is ok to be an ear sometimes to the problems if they need to vent.....but when it becomes a constant thing & that is all they talk about it is a problem because no way are you a trained therapist capable of really helping & it can strain a friendship.

[saidso]

You were kind to ask her round! I admire you for doing that so promptly and for obviously having her best interests at heart.
I wasn't clear from what you wrote whether at the end she complained because she didn't get to talk about what was bothering her, or she refused to talk?

My own life experience is that I went through a couple of years where it was very hard for me to take responsibility for my life or my feelings. I wanted other people to make it all better. They tried but they couldn't: some life issues like finance are as painful as banging your head against the wall, there is no answer except perseverance.

Sometimes people lash out at friends who want to help. Personally I wouldn't be able to put up with that. That's not a judgement but my limitation .

[Icedgem]

Originally Posted by saidso

You were kind to ask her round! I admire you for doing that so promptly and for obviously having her best interests at heart.
I wasn't clear from what you wrote whether at the end she complained because she didn't get to talk about what was bothering her, or she refused to talk?

My own life experience is that I went through a couple of years where it was very hard for me to take responsibility for my life or my feelings. I wanted other people to make it all better. They tried but they couldn't: some life issues like finance are as painful as banging your head against the wall, there is no answer except perseverance.

Sometimes people lash out at friends who want to help. Personally I wouldn't be able to put up with that. That's not a judgement but my limitation .

My friend was hurting so I wanted to be there for her as I know she would do the same for me and has done many times prior. I care a lot about people and their feelings really impact me which is why I guess I find it hard when she lashed out.

She was mad because we didn't talk about her issues and when I mentioned it it was 'too late' as she was leaving

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Icedgem

My friend was hurting so I wanted to be there for her as I know she would do the same for me and has done many times prior. I care a lot about people and their feelings really impact me which is why I guess I find it hard when she lashed out.

She was mad because we didn't talk about her issues and when I mentioned it it was 'too late' as she was leaving

I guess I misunderstood. So she wanted to talk about issues? But she didn’t. Not sure what you could do. It’s unfair she lashed out