[CrypticMaus]

I got broken up with on Sunday.

I'm not handling it well. I keep getting told that I'm being really strong through all of this but I just end up crying behind closed doors. I can't spend time in groups larger than 9 people without feeling completely overwhelmed. I see her car and my chest gets so tight I think it's going to cave in. I know she keeps wearing the ring I got her for our one year anniversary, because she's too scared of losing me completely, but I'm shoving away everything that reminds me of her into a closet because I can't bear to look at it.

Technically speaking, this was my longest relationship. We were one year in April. Sure, I dated boys for a year or more at a time, but I was a kid who didn't realize she was a lesbian. The girls I've always dated have stayed for 1-3 months, and have always left for the same reasons; I'm too much, and the other person doesn't care as much as I do. I feel like someone who nobody can handle. Every time I show a little vulnerability, every time I heal enough from the last time or the last abuse, it always comes back to bite me. I keep getting told "It's not you", but why would everyone leave for the same reasons if it wasn't me. She was totally in love with me and happy until I had a panic attack that she witnessed, and within a month lost all feelings for me. I told her over and over again that I knew I was panicking for no reason, and that it was hurting that I couldn't stop it when I knew it was dumb, but she just didn't listen and took it all as being "her fault".

It's not like I never thought of this before. I've been going to therapy on and off for years now. I make everything an "I statement". I say that I'm panicking and what I think I need. I'm so direct about what triggers me and things that make me anxious. I always give warnings and let people know that I'm starting to panic to keep it from boiling over. I never expect anybody to be able to fix things, I know I have to do it myself. I make up codewords and all this other garbage. And in the end none of it matters. Because everyone just leaves. And they all cry and tell me how much this hurts them and how much they want to be my friend, but they just can't handle me and don't care enough.

I'm honestly at the point where I really don't know why I was born. I keep getting told that my personality is amazing, that I'm so caring and funny, and I don't get why everyone just ends up leaving in tears saying they don't want to hurt me. And it's not just girlfriends, it's been so many people. I mean, I grew up with a mother who is probably borderline, being emotionally manipulated and abused by my grandparents, getting into an abusive relationship at 14, getting bullied, being depressed and anxious... it's no wonder I'm like this. I feel like a monster. I must have done something wrong, right? Because why does everyone leave the same way if I'm not doing something wrong???

So I'm done. I don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. I don't want to be looked at like the dumbest person in the room because I'm willing to laugh at myself. I can't stand what's going to happen, which is having everyone stare at me with pity knowing that I'm still madly in love with my ex while I try and be her "best friend". I can't keep doing this. I just don't even know what to do.

[Bill3]

I'm really sorry that you are hurting so much.

I'm not handling it well.

I think that crying, a lot, is a completely reasonable response to being broken up with.

Seeing her car and feeling like your chest is going to cave in: makes sense to me.

Shoving everything that reminds you of her away into a closet: good move!

I question trying to be her "best friend". I suspect that is going to be extremely painful for you.

She is wearing your ring, the symbol of your love. She wants to break up, but she also wants to keep you.

That strikes me as extremely painful, and grossly unfair, to you.

Either she is in a relationship with you or she isn't.

At the moment, she isn't.

Don't let her keep you hanging.

I suggest you go no contact with her.

That won't be easy at first, but it will get easier.

Regular contact with her will be like ripping the scab off of a wound.

Just like looking at that stuff you put in the closet: Contact with her will interfere with healing.

[CrypticMaus]

Thank you for the responses.

Originally Posted by Bill3

I question trying to be her "best friend". I suspect that is going to be extremely painful for you.

She is wearing your ring, the symbol of your love. She wants to break up, but she also wants to keep you.

That strikes me as extremely painful, and grossly unfair, to you.

I honestly don't even know what she wants. I know she's confused and doesn't know why her feelings didn't stay the same over the course of a month. She wanted to marry me at the end of May, then couldn't stand the thought of staying by the beginning of July. She also mentioned that "The thought of losing you as a girlfriend was not as painful as the thought of losing you as a best friend." We are close, I'm not going to deny that. But this is somewhere between a "break" and an actual breakup, so I don't even know where to begin healing at this point. My heart isn't letting me recover and heal, just because of all the things she said that lead me to believe this isn't over.

I already told her that she's going to have to reach out to me, that I'd need space for at least a week, but if she waited a month to talk to me again I was going to assume she was gone. We haven't talked since last week. I'm tempted to text her just because I found something of hers in my car that I'm sure she'd want, but I can't bring myself to do it yet.

It's hard since I really don't know what I'm healing from, and everything just hurts in the meantime. And I can't shake this feeling that I'm cursed since this always seems to happen; things are going great in a relationship, they say something about being happy or wanting to be with me, then within a few weeks they completely turn around. I don't think I react any differently than they do, but who knows at this point.