[SunriseCoco]

I stumbled upon this article recently by accident.
It's disheartening to see all those signs apply to me. My relationship trauma really hit me much harder than I initially thought. I used to be fine, until everytime I fell in love with another girl my mind made me go crazy with anxiety to the point of suffering severe stomach cramps.

Either way, I come to discuss the fourth point. Toxic people.
Yes, it's true, I cling to people most others would consider toxic. But I don't really agree with the explanation given in the article.

I don't think I'm conditioned to seek this kind of person because it's what I had in the past.
In fact, I wouldn't ever want to be in a relationship like my first one again. I was dating a girl that always preferred her own gender. The way she subconsciously destroyed my self-esteem, and always let me know I wasn't good enough, was something I would never ever put up with again.

In fact, this has left such significant scars in my mind, there's no way I would ever date a girl that was even just bicurious at this point. I couldn't handle it emotionally. Likewise, I started seeking girls to whom I would be the center of the world. To whom I could be the person they love the most just the way I am. Of course, feeling that way proved to be difficult because my self-esteem was in pieces.

So I certainly wasn't conditioned to seek the same thing, I wanted the opposite. I never wanted to feel that way again.

So how did I end up with another "toxic person"? I don't think it has to do with conditioning. I think it has to do with seeking those that you feel a connection with. For me, that's people who are similarly as scarred as I am. That also have disorders they struggle with, and traumatic experiences they are yet to overcome. It's not the toxic behavior I seek. It's just a side effect that comes with people like this.

This girl was certainly not the way my previous girlfriend was like. I actually felt loved, not played with. Despite the toxic behavior, I knew this girl genuinely cared for me, even if her actions would lead most people to assume otherwise.

We both were broken, but I felt we could save our relationship if we both seeked therapy to fix ourselves. She already made me feel better, but I assume she was too broken to continue the relationship, so ultimately it broke apart.

Ultimately, do I think it's a bad idea to cling to people like these? No.
I think the reason I ended up with my second girlfriend is just because we shared similar issues. There sure were plenty of red flags about her, but there's plenty of them about me as well. Maybe I'm also toxic. Perhaps that's why we attracted each other. I think it's important to note that behind a lot of toxic behavior lies a disorder or fear, not necessarily malintent. It's just a shame when you can't overcome these obstacles together.

It's possibly a bad idea to rely on a relationship like this for comfort, which is probably what most people in a relationship like this do. But I do believe it's worth trying to save the relationship. After all, the love in my second one was genuine. I'm sure of that.

What are your thoughts?

Have you ever heard the phrase, "familiarity breeds contempt" before? What it means, is, just because something is familiar to us, that doesn't mean it's also good for us.

I have dated men I had a lot of things in common with, but they still turned out to be the wrong men based on how badly they treated me.

I think it's great that you know yourself so well. Introspection is important. I do it a lot. If you know that you don't want to date bicurious women anymore, make sure that the women you date know this upfront. Be direct with them, so that if they are bicurious, they won't mislead you and you can avoid being heartbroken again after you become emotionally attached to them.

I've learned that the more information we give people, the more they will either respect it, or take advantage of it for their own purposes. Relationships with others -- there's no guarantee that they will ever work out the way we want them to, because we can't control other people's behavior, just our own behavior.

But, I also am better at establishing boundaries and expectations with men now than I was in my 20s or 30s. Now, I can stop things from progressing with a man when his actions go against the boundaries and expectations I set for him.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think everyone has their own personal reasons for gravitating towards certain kind of people, whether they know it or not, @SunriseCoco! I DO believe it's important to recognize whathever pattern we're falling into and try to fight it back if we feel like it isn't good for ourselves! I'd say keep fighting. You deserve GOOD people to be with. Are you seeking therapy right now? Maybe that could help! Please DO consider it if you're not seeing one already. Whatever you decide I wish you the BEST of luck with your Life and with whatever your Decisions WILL be! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @SunriseCoco, and ALL of your Loved Ones!

[sarahsweets]

Is it possible that #4 is more about childhood trauma affecting your current relationships?