Crush at work leads to HR issue

I'm a software developer in my mid 20s. There is a girl I became interested in a couple months ago. Some context needed, I have serious anxiety and depression that I've been getting a handle on through therapy and medication since my nervous breakdown two years ago. Her and I come in and leave at similar times and park in the same garage in the city. In addition to those mental issues, I'm a short guy and (in my opinion) not particularly good looking so I have self esteem issues as well. I am as far as can be from confident. I've had no serious romantic relationships in my life. I finally got up the nerve to actually talk to her one day and have had a couple awkward interactions but was still trying to be hopeful. I've also seen her at meetings and things. In my last therapy appointment, I said I was overly fixating on it but I wasn't doing anything to follow her or manipulate things to get close to her. I got called into hr yesterday. She wasn't accusing me of anything but my prescence was being to make her uncomfortable. I wasn't in trouble but they made it clear that i should try to avoid her. I'm going to be doing this but this experience has been humilating and I feel guilty that I made her feel this way. I was worried I might be making her uncomfortable but I thought I was just being paranoid. Now I can't trust those instincts that my negative feelings are unfounded. Yesterday was the most unsafe I've felt in a long time and I still feel crappy. I suck socially in general(I explained this and they seemed to understand) so now I'm going to keep the personal seperate from the professional. I couldn't say anything to the colleagues I'm close to but they can tell something is up. Same with my friends and family. I didn't consciously do anything wrong but I feel rotten, dirty, ashamed of myself and like something in me is broken. Maybe I'm bad, like the harrasers you hear about being exposed on the news and who I always thought I was better than. Maybe I just deserve to be alone. HR made it clear that I wasn't in trouble but they told my boss and idk what his reaction will be. I've finally started to feel good about this job after a year and a half there and I can't bear to lose the one thing in my life I feel I'm good at.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, @crisscross712! Please don't be hard on yourself. I have to admit I didn't really understand why you've got called into HR. From what you wrote it doesn't seem like you were doing anything wrong at all. You've just talked to her. Did I understand correctly? I'm not sure why she's said your presence bothers her since it seems like you haven't really talked to her much at all. Either way, please don't be hard on yourself. You did nothing wrong. Unfortunately we can't expect all people to like us. Things like this can appen. You're certainly not an abuser! Please don't let this event bother you too much. I certainly hope your Boss won't have too much to say on the matter - especially because, really, I don't see what you've done wrong there! Keep working with your therapist. He/she's there to help you. Remember ti take GREAT care of yourself. Do not worry - I'm sure you'll be able to gain more confidence and to talk to people and make more friends and even a girlfriend as you keep working on yourself! Don't let this event discourage you too much. Like I've said, you've done NOTHING wrong in my opinion. You're a WONDERFUL person. Keep repeating that to yourself! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @crisscross712, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Please keep fighting and keep rocking like you're already wonderfully doing all and entirely by yourself! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need someone to Listen or if you need Advice and Support! I'm SURE plenty of others will gladly listen to you and to what you have to say as well!

Do you watch ContraPoints on Youtube? If not, she has a video about men, titled "Men," that she posted a few hours ago which was pertinent to your experience.

In the video, she brings up something which doesn't get mentioned nearly as much as it should. The current gender dichotomy which portrays men as dangerous by default, particularly toward women in a way resembling stalking or harassment, can be very damaging to the mental health of men who are constantly portrayed this way. I'm not really sure how to make widespread changes to societal gender norms [yet], but perhaps simply knowing why this has occurred will help you understand it better and give you some sense of direction in how to respond to it.

Either way, I think her tattling to HR is kinda ****** and she sounds like a cowardly muppet. Maybe you dodged a bullet.

Sorry you were made to feel so bad about yourself crisscross. I agree with what the other 2 people here have said. Keep reminding yourself that you did nothing wrong. Even the HR person said that. Just sounds like a total misunderstanding or misinterpretation by the woman who complained to HR. I think companies now are in total paranoia mode over women and their feelings in the office ever since that whole "Me Too" thing exploded. And I agree with theoretical....it was a real sneaky petty thing that the woman did by going to HR to complain about you. Especially if all you did was talk to her a couple times. If HR had taken some kind of action against you, you'd have a case against the company and I'd be talking to an employment lawyer as well as a case against the woman. May be a blessing in disguise to have a reason to ignore this woman from now on. Stay far away from her toxic self.

One thing I thought I put but may not have made clear. Her and I park in the same parking garage and take similar ways in and out of work. I also sometimes see her at many department meetings. I admit I was overly fixated on her and certain things I do as part of my routine(stopping outside to put on sunglasses and my earbuds), could be misread and me spying on her. I explained this to HR. I also want to clarify that I 100% don't blame her for this. Honestly, all these signs I could very easily see myself interpreting the same way and being uncomfortable about it. At this point I blame myself for being overly fixated by her in a way that may have verged on predatory. Thank you all for the feedback. I can't express how much I needed it.

crisscross, it seems to me that the young woman is a wimp and didn't have the courage to say she wasn't interested and that you were making her uncomfortable. Instead, she ran to Mommy and Daddy (the boss or HR). In her defense, what the others said above is very much to blame, too. I'm sorry you have to deal with that as a man. You don't deserve this as men.

So you know, I'm a middle-aged woman.

Just so you know, women/females can be very uncomfortable being in places where they are alone like parking garages, elevators. parking lots, any place where they can suddenly be alone where they may be approached by someone. Waiting for a woman to be alone to speak to her can send her a concerning signal. Keep in mind most predators prefer to single out and get their targets alone. Any woman that has experienced something negative where she was singled out when she was alone will NEVER forget how that felt. (Something I have experience myself a few times actually when I was younger tbh).

While you have explained that you tend to be shy and feel uncomfortable due to believing you are not very good looking etc., you probably unknowingly find it a bit easier to approach others alone and quietly. You don't mean any harm, however, it's important to understand that predators tend to single people out and may even not approach a person in front of or around others but instead try to be around their target when their target is alone.

In all honesty, this has nothing to do with your looks either, yet, you decided to sit and think about what you FEEL keeps you from being accepted. Truth is, there have been plenty of people that were admired and appreciated that did not possess all of what is deemed to be "good looking". What comes to mind for me is Jimmy Darante, Danny Devito, the characters in The Big Bang Theory, Andy Rooney, and countless others that became character actors that people grew to enjoy in different stories and movies that had something endearing about them even though they were not the guy with all the looks. Instead, what people focus more on is how another person leaves them "feeling". That is what you are focusing on now that the HR talked to you, "how that makes you feel".

There is NO crime in seeing another person you find attractive that you would like to know better, or even date. It's more about how you behave that can make that other person feel uncomfortable and often it's when they notice you looking at them and only saying something when you see them alone too. It's also how that person may have experienced something in their own history that frightened them too where someone singled them out in some way leaving them "feeling" very frightened and vulnerable.

You are only in your mid twenties and just learning your way around the social work environement. My guess is this female coworker is around the same age and trying to figure out her own way of learning about the work environment for herself too. This means she needs to learn how to feel safe in a parking garage, in an elevator, and around other coworkers where she can gradually learn to feel more comfortable too. Most likely, her focus is not on finding some guy to date, but instead to learn how to feel safe just going to work and learning what that's all about.

All excellent points. Thank you

Thank you, Lizardlady for saying this. I, too, was upset by people for villianizing the young woman for taking appropriate steps. I don't believe the OP did anything wrong, and I think the young woman possibly misinterpreted his intentions, but going to HR was completely appropriate. It was not running to "mommy and daddy." The possibility that was likely occurring in her head was not someone ate my ice cream, but someone might attack me.

To the OP, I'm sorry you experienced this and that you are struggling. I do think it's good you continue to work on this with your therapist, but it also sounds a little bit just like unfortunate circumstances of lack of social skills coupled with unintentionally being in the same places as her. It sounds like HR understood that it was mostly coincidental. I'm sorry this seems to be giving your self-esteem a hit. Do you do any social, recreational activities to exercise your social skills? Doing things like singles meetups and group activities will likely help you make friends, build social skills and self esteem, and not feel so awkward when talking to women.

I will admit that the line between awkward and creepy when a man talks to me is subjective, so he might just be awkward, but it makes me unsettled, so the more confident you can be in your interactions, the less likely this will continue to be an issue, in my opinion.

Again, sorry you're going through this unfortunate situation. Try to give yourself a break. You didn't mean any harm, and most of the problem was coincidental.

Seesaw

When I mentioned my "instincts", I meant my instincts as to when I'm worried due to my anxiety disorder as opposed to the situation being something I should be worried about. Sorry if that was unclear. I also want to clarify that I 100% understand her going to HR and still feel that the blame is on me.

I totally get it, and I think she may have picked up on your anxiety and thought it was something else. I have actually had that happen in work meetings with people when I'm having anxiety, often unrelated to them, and they think I'm mad at them or something they did, when usually it has nothing to do with them. I've learned to just be really honest and let them know I'm trying to get something else out of my head, and they get it, but what I'm saying is that others can pick up on our anxiety, but they don't realize it's not really something about them, rather it's just something going on with us. It might be that she misinterpreted your anxiety.

Regardless, the whole thing sounds like a misunderstanding. Try not to beat yourself up about it. I recently had to apologize to some business partners because they misinterpreted me being upset about something as being upset at them about something, when it was nothing of the sort. It's just miscommunication. We continue to work on ourselves and improve and learn lessons.

Quote:

Originally Posted by crisscross712 When I mentioned my "instincts", I meant my instincts as to when I'm worried due to my anxiety disorder as opposed to the situation being something I should be worried about. Sorry if that was unclear. I also want to clarify that I 100% understand her going to HR and still feel that the blame is on me.

I agree with seesaw. Please don't beat yourself up over what happened. Dealing with depression and anxiety make it easy to beat ourselves over the head. Can you use the whole thing as a learning experience?

Majority of people are at work in order to do the work. Sure we might develop friendships at work but it’s not why we are there. So focus on work task.

Also many work places don’t recommend confronting coworkers directly and strongly suggest to go directly to appropriate agency. And that’s what she did.

I understand you didn’t really harass her but even if you just subconsciously stare at her, it could make one uncomfortable.

Keep working with therapist. Don’t beat yourself up.

You evidently can, though, trust your assessment/worry as to when you are making people uncomfortable.

That's good to know! If you ever have that worry again, you know to listen to it and to take a step back.

I totally agree and worry about my anxiety getting picked up as something else by others whether it be anger or rudeness. So quick update. I went to work yesterday and aside from worries about running into her(didn’t happen, thank god) it was a normal day and it was actually better not having the want to see her hanging over my head. I also talked my friend what happened last night and agreed it was a misunderstanding. I will continue to use this as a learning experience. My only concern is I have my regular meeting with my boss and am sure it will come up

Crisscross, when you meet with hour boss, if it comes up tell him what you learned.

Update: my boss didn’t bring it up at all which I thought was weird. I guess things are settled. I wake up every day feeling like a garbage person but today was better. Work is getting more stressful which sucks but is also good cause it distracts from my feelings of loneliness, isolation and being adrift. I’m not entirely sure where I go from here besides throwing myself completely into my work even if it’s not the most healthy choice

Quote:

Originally Posted by crisscross712 Update: my boss didn’t bring it up at all which I thought was weird. I guess things are settled. I wake up every day feeling like a garbage person but today was better. Work is getting more stressful which sucks but is also good cause it distracts from my feelings of loneliness, isolation and being adrift. I’m not entirely sure where I go from here besides throwing myself completely into my work even if it’s not the most healthy choice

Maybe your boss didn't bring it up because he believes the situation is settled. That's a good thing.

How is work more stressful?

Work is more stressful because a release is coming up and they’re putting pressure on me and my team even though most of the stuff having to do with the release is out of our control

That would be stressful, especially the things out of your control

OP, you need to have this as a rule to live by.

NO romantic relationships with people at work - EVER.

No crush, no "finding someone attractive" - nothing of the sort.

Park as far away from her usual parking area. Stop stopping directly outside to put on sunglasses or earbuds (looking like you are waiting for someone).

Put it in your head that any romantic relationships have to come from contacts you make OUTSIDE of work. Never ever attempt to create a relationship with anyone at a company you work for.

This is actually good advice for anyone who wants no problems in the workplace.

To those on this thread who view her behavior as tattling, running to mommy and daddy and vilifying men, what would you have recommended this woman do?

Anything else.

Ask crisscross directly what his deal is, and then inform him that his behavior is off-putting. Throw in a line about how one ought not date coworkers. If the "polite no" doesn't work, then we move on to the "firm no," and tell him to leave it alone.

Or else...

Many work places don’t recommend directly confronting coworkers about anything. Especially if it’s something that could make the person feel unsafe. It’s no matter if it’s men or women.

Many work places try to exert control over the lives of their workers in ways that overstep the employer/worker relationship, often in an attempt to avoid litigation and bad publicity. Mine does much the same, not that anyone listens to them because the HR girls are a merry bunch of morons. Like there's a snowball's chance in Hell I'm going to trust them with my own safety when they have trouble filing paper work properly. They only work day shift anyway. Night shift is anarchy, which is the way we like it. But they don't feed us on night shift, which kinda sucks.

I digress. Look, if there's no evidence that a fellow coworker is being anything more than a bit creepy and awkward - standing outside for too long, putting on sunglasses, being socially inept when trying to chat - then I'm going to argue that handling the situation diplomatically by oneself is far safer for both parties than going to HR, especially if the guy has the potential to be dangerous. HR can't do anything if there's no real evidence of danger, and sicking corporate authority figures on him is far more likely to provoke anger or resentment than if this coworker had just talked to him herself. Also remember that HR works for the company, not you or your safety, and they're going to do what's in the company's best interest, not yours. This applies to both parties. If you ever need to go to HR over something which may become a legal dispute, record everything. Don't trust them to record it or to represent it accurately in Court.

Now, maybe he's omitting some things and this coworker had good reason to think he was stalking her. If so, then my apologies to her and the HR girls. But I can only go by the details given.