Why ??...................................... ....................................

Tonight I am feeling very unworthy. I called my daughter for her birthday and it hurt me. I felt as though I was a bad mother for not being there with her. She sounded glad to hear from me yet something in her voice sounded as though she did not want to talk to me. It was a very short call.

I feel I am losing my children. It is so sad to me yet it is something I had to do to survive. I love them very much and I tried so hard to be there and be a good mother for them even though it was hurting me. Maybe it does not matter and I am being selfish. I never meant to hurt them.

I never thought that my life would turn out the way it did. I thought that when I married it was for life and that he would make the bad all go away. That I would never remember the past because he was so perfect. I thought that I could be a mother, I did not know that it would be so hard.

I did not know that losing the only person in my life that I knew loved me would cause my heart to break and the walls to come crashing down and I would not be able to hold inside anymore everything I was hiding. That the memories that I had so perfectly put in place would seep out.

I tried to hide, to keep everything inside. But it would not stay. I thought if I just got help, everything would be okay. Yet, in getting that help--I lost everything. I hid even what this perfect man did and no one knew what was going on inside the walls of our home.

Getting help was wrong--for it was then that he took everything away. Receiving the divorce papers while in treatment with no way to defend myself--I lost everything including my children. This is something I feel they have never forgiven me of. And all I was doing was trying to get help from something that happened to me that everyone tells me was not my fault.

Yet, in that not being my fault, I lost. Not only my childhood, but it never stopped. I feel my children blame me. I was not allowed to tell them anything. So it looked like I left them. I had no choice but to sign them over to their father. He was going to use my past against me, something that I supposedly was not to blame for. But that is not what it seems.

All I wanted was to get help to get well. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially not my children. I would rather hurt myself. I did not mean to be sick, and I did the only thing I could do to survive my childhood. And I am doing the only thing to survive my life right now.

But I do love my children so much. But how do you give when you do not even know who you are yourself? When you are scared to be who you are? When trust and love are two things you do not really understand yourself? And touch itself hurts you?

I really thought I had it all tucked away in a place it would never come out. I was so wrong, but I never meant to hurt anyone.

cami

Relationships grow and change; your children won't need you or their father forever, won't be under the sentence of your silence. They'll be able to come to you, you to reach out to them and good, healthy connections be made. Lies get uncovered, your husband's treatment of you won't hold water forever. Keep working to heal, be, and understand yourself so you can be there when the children are old enough to question "what happened?"

Cami, your post really touched me, I was the child in a similar scenario. My mother has spent her life feeling guilt for things she had no real control over despite anything I can say to counter it. Right now you're also in a situation that you have limited control over, you can't control your children or how hey choose to feel but what you can do is this...right now, from this point on, be an example of what you'd like to see in the world. you want forgivness? forgive yourself, love? same drill, anything you want to change must start with you, be the change you want to see and find that the world will agree with you. I often tell my mother that unless she's ashamed of who I've become then what basis does she have to feel guilt about her role in that. I lived thru what I did, it made me who I am, and I'm so glad for that...we all have choices to make, things to learn, maybe is time for you to move on....love to you!

(((((((((((((((((((( cami )))))))))))))))))))))

I understand what you are saying. We'll talk later ok?

Love & Hugs to you!
sabby

That was beautifully put. Might I suggest you keep a copy of that and when the children are ready to hear the truth, you will have that to give them.

One thing that you can guarantee in life is that it always changes. You may not have resolution now, but it won't always be this way.

One day, when my sons are men, I can tell them the truth. For now, I will let them have their childhood without my issues weighing them down.