[Broadsword60]

Greetings!

I have some questions and am seeking some advice regarding relationships. I know I know, a common occurrence and a seemingly simple fix, but not for me. I do not suffer from any mental disorders that I know of, and seem to be in fairly good mental health. So let’s get started! I appreciate you staying with me. This might take a minute to set things up so bear with me. Skip to the “****” if you don’t want to hear the backstory.

So for almost a year now I have been getting pretty close to this woman, and the two of us are getting closer as time goes by. We share many similarities and likes, but we both are uniquely different and have different lifestyles and such. I would always walk her to her car after class at college (where we met) and my flirty and friendly advances were well received with smiles and much laughter from her. Things are going good. We also have been to lunch together and that seemed to go pretty well.

After awhile she and I became distant (college ended for summer, and I went to intern in a far away place), things seemed over. One night she texted me and we have been texting since the beginning of June (2019). I don’t like texting much, but it’s worth it because I really enjoy this woman and am interested in a possible relationship with her (nothing sexual, purely...erm, innocent). Knowing her personality I know this would not cause any conflicts.

Recently she suggested going on a hike together, an idea I am ecstatic about. This could be the start of something new and fun. We just recently saw each other at a little presentation on birds (yeah, we’re “nerds” haha) and had a very brief but cheerful talk (I was in a wee rush).

**** I am extremely petrified of hurting others. Like, petrified. I really am conscientious about others feelings and even the slightest “oops” of something can trigger a episode of over analyzation, grief, anxiety and the like. “Did that hurt him?” “What does she think of that, crap I’ve spoiled our friendship.” That type of stuff, and over stupid things too that don’t even hurt them. It’s not as insane as I’m making it, but I really just care about people.

To put this in a nutshell, Im really worried that my lack of experience will hurt/ruin a relationship. I can’t shake this. I don’t have a big fear of commitment either, just a fear of HOW to do commitment in a relationship well and...well...HOW do I keep a relationship strong and amazing.....with out hurting my significant other with my inexperience and what not. I know that “how will I learn to be in a relationship if I don’t have one” thing and the whole thing about breaking up in a relationship will make you stronger and teach you things and make you ready for a new one....but I’m not worried about me...I’m worried about her. I don’t want to use this woman as a test monkey, I want the relationship to be long lasting and awesome, and if things don’t work out, end on a mutual and good note. This is not a chance for me (and even her) to learn how to get stronger after a break up. I know that might be a good thing, but my ultimate goal is her feelings and not hurting her.

Im not a many woman guy. My friends in high school would have many girlfriends a month, and have dated many women. Me, I see dating as something not to screw around with. It’s special, and not to be wasted. That’s the whole point here. I view dating like many people these days don’t, a very special thing that needs to be cherished and shared with a very special person...NOT a reason to screw around with women and have an excuse for sexual relations and all that jazz.

So really.....any tips on making a great relationship, for a guy who knows nothing on what he’s doing in the dating world? I want to be very ready before I pursue a relationship, since this is my first real one. And ultimately I don’t want to hurt her because of that. Also, she’s a couple years older than me and I’m afraid that might add some kinks.

Any tips?


Thank you for any and all feedback!!

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by Broadsword60

Greetings!

Recently she suggested going on a hike together, an idea I am ecstatic about. This could be the start of something new and fun. We just recently saw each other at a little presentation on birds (yeah, we’re “nerds” haha) and had a very brief but cheerful talk (I was in a wee rush).

To put this in a nutshell, Im really worried that my lack of experience will hurt/ruin a relationship. I can’t shake this.

Any tips?

Most of the friends I felt closest to in high school/college were a bit nerdy--good grades, some anxieties (whether social or in regards to not messing things up/overthinking, etc. It does seem like you are a bit anxious about this. The key is to just relax and have fun with her and not worry about what happens.

That she asked you means she likes you at least as a friend. With dating, if you are meant to be--within the first few dates--you will just connect naturally. I don't think chemistry can be forced but if you are too worried about saying or doing the right things--the real you won't shine.

I absolutely love hikes and the first date I went on in hs was a hike on the Highline Trail. I have been in love with hiking ever since and went back over and over again by myself to hike that trail. If you like hiking--then you should have a great time, just try to enjoy/focus on the hike and be a good listener and I bet it will be great!!!! The key to getting to know other people is to find activities you both like to do.

[TunedOut]

Also, if the hike goes well--it is your turn to ask her to do something fun. Dating is about putting ourselves out there and seeing what happens. Sometimes it's awkward but the way to "get experience" is to just ask girls out and try to learn from each experience. My experience is that the way we get "hurt" is when one person falls for the other but, for whatever reason, it doesn't work out. However, even when we get hurt--we learn about ourselves when we put ourselves out there. Don't be afraid to take a risk.

[LilyMop]

I don’t think experience matters a whole lot because everybody goes into a new relationship and technically has “no experience” with that new person. I think the fact that you are already sincere and respectful is excellent. I also think making sure you have common interests is important. When relationships are new, both people want to spend time together. It’s easy to do things together because you’re eager to see that person. In my experience, people drift apart when they don’t have enough in common. So my advice is to ensure common interests and always place communication and respect at the top of your priority list. It sounds to me like you’re already on the right track.

[bpcyclist]

I agree, she's not worried about inexperience. She's focused on the kind of person you are.

In my opinion, honesty is the single most important aspect of any relationship, in part, because it is so rare. So, always be truthful. The chips will fall where they may.

[TunedOut]

I hope Broadsword date went well. Only one post. There are so many who post once and never come back. Once again, we might be talking to ourselves.