[Barbie1985]

Hi just join this forum so I can get some answers for my relationship. Couple days ago I checked my husband’s phone message. There is this girl he was talking to every single day which I had no clue. I know this girl. We all work together. But couple months ago she moved somewhere else. But my husband is texting her everyday. And I saw couple messages which were red alert for me. Right away I decided to ask him he denied that there is nothing after 2hours he said he messed up we are married for 11 years. And he said he messed up but there is no physical attraction they are just talking to each other. And it looks like I am a fool who let him do whatever I have never asked him who he is talking to or what he is doing never bcos I trust him. Now I feel betrayed. He keeps telling me she is innocent and it’s all his fault and he will stop. I love this men and we have two kids and I don’t know what to do. Again I ask him do you want her or us. He said I want you guys and I will stop this and he deleted her no from phone and promised me never to contact her again. I was checking my instagram and she popped up as a recommendation as she is friends with my husband on that. So I told him to unfollow her and block he said no . As she is just friend not anything else. He said I need to stop this and move on I am going crazy and I am not understanding that they are just friends and I am just jealous that he is talking to someone else. Is my feeling wrong ? Pls advise and help.

[Bill3]

What was the content of the “red alert” messages?

[Barbie1985]

She was asking him if he had a relationship outside the marriage any other time in 11years and why are we hurting someone else feeling and of course love you and the way your breath smells.

[bpcyclist]

Well, obviously, as @Bill3 points out, the content of these texts is critical. What was that all about?

That said, having been cheated upon by both of my long-term partners, what I have learned is that my gut is almost always right. I may not have had all the details, but I had enough to know something major was wrong. If you talk to lots of people who have been through this, most of them say essentially the same thing: when you know, you know.

I am certainly not saying that your husband is cheating on you , please understand. What I am saying is that you definitely have a voice inside, a sense, an intuition, a gut. I strongly recommend that you follow that sense, wherever it leads you. It is your friend. It is zillions of years of evolution all coming together to say==danger!

This texting represents a lack of respect for you and for the marriage. It has been my experience that secret texting with members of the opposite sex (if straight) is a bad sign. If it's just that, that's still a problem in my view, but it's not a disaster, necessarily (depending on what's in the texts). If there's sexting, huge problem. But seemingly innocent texting can lead to eventual hooking up. And that, of course, is a disaster.

Personally. I would not stand for him not unfriending her. When I last went through this, I insisted she cut off all contact. She didn't, and that was ultimately that.

My heart aches for you and your kids. If he wants a divorce, he should man-up and tell you that. But maintaining a window of contact with a woman he was secretly texting with when you have expressly asked him to close it is, to me, unacceptable. I will be praying for you and your children tonight. Best of luck.

[Barbie1985]

Thank you so much for understanding my point of view. I have again spoke to him about all this and he said he really want our marriage to work and he doesn’t wanna leave me . The only thing bothering me is all day along I am worried if he is still talking to her or no. He said I have to trust him and work on this together it’s hard.

[continuosly blue]

Dear Barbie1985........you ask , “ what should I do “ . Well I will just say what I do , ( after much bitter experience ) . Don’t look at his phone ! Does he leave his phone unlocked ? If he has something to hide I would think he would lock his phone so that you or anyone else can’t look at it. I found out that most people consider their phone a very private part of themselves. Whether shes really “ just a friend “ is another post altogether. I would judge your marriage by his actions ! Are there outward signs in your daily life that make you think he could be cheating. I think we all need to get real about how life really works. Chances are a man will wind up cheating on his wife eventually. And vice versa ! I found out that as human beings we are fallible and weak. Now don’t get me wrong , there are no excuses for violating your marriage vows. But there are many reasons why it happens over the course of a marriage. Short or longterm.
We do not OWN another person just because at some point we loved them ( and each other ) so much that we married that person in the hopes that we can keep that person to ourselves forever ! I don’t mean to sound harsh , just realistic.
My best advice is for you to always just be ready for the possibility that your husband ( or wife ) can mess up and have plan B ready to go if that happens.
Knowing this ahead of time will take a lot of the shock and hurt away. And maybe help ease some of the almost unbearable pain your loved one can inflict on you. I pray that it works out for you no matter what happens.