[hoppyhamster2]

Hope this is the right forum for this. I'm male, in my 60s, no previous mental health issues (at least that were obvious to me!)


A few months ago, at my son's wedding, I briefly saw and spoke with his mother for the first time in 5-6 years. Nothing dramatic, just the usual pleasantries ex-spouses would be expected to exchange on such an occasion. Since then, I've found myself mentally rehashing our relationship and reliving the events around our divorce, and I can't seem to stop.


Background: This was over 30 years ago. After 7 years of marriage, when our son was two years old, she asked for a divorce. Wouldn't say why, wouldn't consider counseling. Turned out that she was leaving me for another man (someone I had mistakenly considered a "friend" of both of us), though she was careful to conceal that at the time. First clue I had was when she took our son and moved in with her new husband-to-be two days after getting the final decree.

Ok, so, traumatic divorce. I was pretty broken up, of course. But I fought for joint custody and stayed involved in my son's life. Learned to deal with my ex regarding our son without too much conflict or concern. (He's is doing quite well, and his new bride is a lovely person, BTW.) Eventually found the wonderful woman I've been married to for the last 24 years. Thought I'd gotten entirely over my ex and the divorce and safely moved past that whole awful business. Until the last few months.

Now I find myself rehashing that time, wondering what I did wrong, why I didn't see it coming, what I could have done differently, wondering if my ex would ever apologize for what she did, wondering if she's doing ok, etc, etc. Utterly absurd and pointless, 30 years after the end of our marriage.

I don't understand why this would return to trouble me when I'd probably gone 20 years without this sort of problem. Is this sort of delayed regret just something that happens to older people? Or is it some weird early sign of dementia, or what?

[CANDC]

Hi hoppyhamster2. Welcome to Psych Central. I am happy that you have a wonderful son out of a tumultuous relationship from what you describe. Congratulations for staying in your son's life even in the face of painful circumstances. That shows you are a stand up guy.


You sound like you are still grieving the loss of your marriage. The rehashing is something typical of grief and the feeling of guilt. Some people postpone grieving until they are able to cope with it. Seeing a therapist might be an option to consider, especially if this loss is disruptive of your joy and contentment.

You could search in Google for Psych Central coping with divorce or breakups and see what articles are available.

Glad you are part of the Psych Central community. @CANDC

[~Christina]

I think it can be a common event for people to go back and think about it all.

My first husband left me for his mistress and married her. We had a daughter so I will be stuck having to deal with him , well forever altho not nearly as much as she’s now 27.

I have had a few rounds of reliving it over the years, I also remarried and am very happy.

What went wrong in my first marriage ??? It really boiled down to and my ex finally admitted.. my father fought a long 2 year battle against Leukemia and I did spend a lot of time with him at the hospital , he would be there 6-8 weeks Home 2-3 and back again. My husband the “ poor thing felt neglected “

When these feelings come up, acknowledge them, feel them, remind yourself you brought an amazing child into the world and remind yourself your in a loving relationship now

[bpcyclist]

I think the experience you describe is completely normal for a lot of people. I agree that this is likely largely grief and I agree that a therapist could really help you.

I was divorced in 2008 solely because of my illness. I have not spoken to my ex since then. I do not see our son, sadly. Were I to see this ex, I can pretty much promise you that a lot of the anger and pain I feel she is mostly responsible for would quickly bubble to the surface. Especially the stuff about Jack, our son. It is good that I don't have to deal with her.

I am no shrink, but I do personally believe that there are some relationships in our lives that were so consequential that we basically never get over them. Sorry, this is just how I feel. What we do is we learn how to cope with the loss as best as we can. But we don't really fully heal. There's just a good five- or ten- or thirty-year dressing on the wound.We just tuck it away somewhere in a corner and hope it never comes out again. Hope we don't ever have to re-dress that wound. Just my take and others may disagree.

So anyway, because this has been my experience, I have basically zero contact with any of my exes. It just isn't worth the heartache for me. I freely admit that I have always been rather sensitive for a male and I am quite sure that "stronger" men are much better equipped to "move on," whatever that actually means.

Anyhow, I just really do believe that what you have experienced is not at all unusual or weird. There's nothing wrong with you . What happened with your ex was painful and it had a big impact on you. I get it. I'm still mad at my high school girlfriend. How ridiculous is that? I know. But she was very mean and manipulative and that makes me angry. Sorry. It's the truth. The difference now is that I can cope with it. It doesn't really affect my day-to-day life. Which is the key. But for me to deny how I really feel? Well, to me, that would just be wrong. She was cruel. She toyed with me. And never has apologized. It was unacceptable behavior.

So, go to a therapist. Figure out what you have to figure out. Then, carry on with your life. Spend time on and with people who care about you. Don't waste time on jerks. I have said it before on another thread, but I would far prefer to have one friend I can count on than ten lousy friends. In my opinion, people who mistreat us and aren't sorry are lousy friends. Move on. She isn't worth the heartache.

[hoppyhamster2]

Thank you all for the responses. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one this has happened to. I think the advice to find a therapist is good, and I'm going to look into that.