The possible end of a friendship

It almost always seems to come back to ego and vulnerability, that is something for me to think about.

Wow, so it's 7 months on and in terms of what we have all been experiencing in terms of our lives and freedoms the last 4 months have been strange.

Here is the thing. I saw this friend a couple of times after we patched things up but it just wasn't the same. I think I thought it might need time to settle after the fall out. But next thing is lockdown happened and nobody saw anyone other than who they lived with for such a long time.

The thing is I notice I have not missed this person one bit. The last time I spoke to them by phone was 6 weeks ago and left me feeling like I did not want to repeat the experience. Yet I felt like lockdown was not the time to call it quits, this person was suffering loneliness. Our other friends were concerned about them, I was too.

Also I kept thinking "We were such good friends" like I shouldn't give up. But more and more I see a side of this person I don't like. Last night they texted (not a regular thing these days) and I replied with a photo of a display a colleague made with rhyming couplets, I thought it was cute and funny. "She will never be poet laureate" was the reply.. . This is typical. Negative, tactless.

Yet I feel bad. Like I should give them more patience. Yet if I am honest my patience ran out. They texted to ask if I wanted to meet up and I really don't.

Over the years I have ended friendships because I felt like they "have runs its course". I had a real great friend one time; and he lived next door to me. We just had so much in common, it was like we were brothers. He had moved out and I kept in touch with him and seeing him once in a while. After he moved out, it didn't feel the same, and nearly as good as before. And then after a couple of years, he had changed into a kind of guy I didn't like at all. Even though I ended it, it still felt bad that it ended.

I have only one friend now and there were lots of times when I felt like wanting to split from him. He's 21 years older than me and has physical limitations. Plus he acts more like a critical Dad than a brother, in which I'm not crazy about. When I wanted to split up with him, he would cry. And he's all I got, so that makes it difficult. I'd love to have him replaced, but it seems very hard for that to happen.

I don't have any advice or suggestions for you. I hope that this could help in reading this.

Sorry to read you have had a similar experience Will. I hope you don't mind me being direct but your friend's response to your pulling away sounds like emotional blackmail to me.

My friend hasn't done that to me thankfully. I would personally end a friendship immediately with that behaviour.

I guess what I am really asking myself is if I want to continue this friendship.

I don't walk away from people - ever. I have never ended a friendship. I have had a few drift but never made a conscious decision to end a one.

I am aware that I may regret it if I do (not least because this is a friendship circle of 4 people, two of whom I do want in my life). My intention was to fade out gently but the passive aggressive comments (such as the poet laureate one) have me on edge. Was this person always like this and I just didn't see or have I incurred their darker side after our December fall out?

I came across the following quote recently, might be helpful:

There is a difference between giving up and deciding that you have had enough.

When we get to know someone enough to consider that person a friend, that other person is going to go through changes and at times may show us periods of self doubt and anger that have nothing to do with us. Sometimes, we just happen to be in their orbit when they suddenly release anger we had not experienced before. Life definitely changes all of us and sometimes not for the better and we can find ourselves suddenly experiencing behaviors in a person we thought we knew suddenly change that can be very concerning.

I have experienced that myself and have had to distance myself so I did not end up getting hurt again by a person that has been so self consumed that it's just not healthy for me to interact with them. I had a friend that suddenly changed to the point where she blew up at me and treated me horribly. I have not closed the door completely on her, I do care about her, yet, I am a lot more cautious with her because I don't want to end up having her vent all her discontent and anger at me again. I did not do anything to deserve that kind of nasty blow up directed at me. Sometimes a person can lose their control over their lives and they take it out on the wrong people. I have learned to step back and distance when I notice that happening. I do still care about this friend and want to see her recover herself, yet, I can't have her blow up at me and even worse fail to apologize and recognize her poor behavior. So, I chose to distance and there is nothing wrong with doing that if need be.

Thanks both.

My instincts are edging me towards this being a really stressful time for everyone and holding back at this time.

I really appreciate you both taking time out of your day to talk to me about this.

I was wondering why you think you will regret ending this friendship? Is it because you will occasionally still see them? Do you think you would miss this person? I was also wondering if by "end the friendship" you mean in a direct way? Like actually saying something to this person? I wonder if you can just decide you don't want to be friends with this person anymore, and not engage with them, except to say "no I can't hang out." That might make it easier for you. Though it also might make it harder, because you guys may still end up talking, hanging out, etc, because it's not official. And they might ask you if something's up. I'm just wondering about your hesitation.


Coming from someone who has ended a few friendships in her lifetime, it can be a mixed bag. It can also be very empowering to end a friendship that is no longer serving you, is hurting you, and just brings you more pain than joy. I'd like to tell you a little about my own experiences in this realm. Maybe it will help you decide. 1.) I once ended a friendship with someone who I have regretted ending it with. This was during a time in my life though, when I was unhealthy, not in recovery, and unable to express communication in a helpful way for both sides, etc. You do not seem like you are in that sort of headspace, Discombobulated. You seem very level headed, and like you've thought about it a lot. I myself was pretty impulsive about ending that friendship. 2.) I ended a friendship once a few years ago, more recently. With someone who I do not regret ending it with, to this day. It was an empowering experience and I did it in a way that was kind, as well as put up a boundary. I also said "I need space right now" etc, because I think I may have been feeling like you. Unsure about "Forever" ending it. It turned out to be a great decision. This person had issues to work on (Nothing wrong with that). They were mean to me, inappropriate, rude, and said hurtful things, all mixed in with the enjoyment of friendship and good times, too. Anyway, I felt it was a good decision and still do. This person tried to contact me multiple times in the beginning. They called me, left a couple messages, and tried to friend me on facebook. I had just had enough. I was in a tough place back then because I was dealing with deep depression. It was sort of easy then, once I saw I needed to take care of my mental health, and that what they were saying and doing to me was not OK (I don't care that they had issues to work on, such as their own mh issues, it's no excuse to treat someone poorly), to say goodbye. 3.) Even with that one friendship, Discombobulated, that I ended, where I felt some regret, they were not kind to me either. In the end, I realized that we were just not a good fit anymore, and I'd just regretted the way I'd communicated. Sometimes, someone comes into our lives for a season. They don't stay forever.


You deserve to be treated well by your friends. You deserve to be around people who make you feel good. You are worthy of that. And you are a good person. Thoughtful. Level. Kind.


Of course do what you feel is right, best, comfortable, safe, etc. I hear you about being afraid to end this friendship, and also really disliking the way they speak to you. Sending you hugs.

Edit: I just saw that you posted before me. Yes please do what is best for you.

That is a very incisive and helpful post WG, thank you so much my friend.

After some frank no blame conversations with this person I feel like I am now in a position where I'd like a break. They handed that decision to me.

One thing that confuses me is the passive aggression which this person fully admits they directed towards me. Although they apologised they more or less said that meant I was a close friend - almost like a badge of honour.

I find this interesting and confusing. To me I wouldn't do that to a close friend, if I had a problem I would say it to their face directly. But then I don't have many close friends so maybe it's true.

They sound a bit unselfaware (not a word I know) about how what they said here comes off..

Thanks TunedOut, I do find it confusing and wondering 'is it me?'

I have begun realizing, that many times, when people say things much of it is about their own personality and views. Your main role in the drama was that you listened and cared.

If someone is mean to me, ignores me, or manipulates me they have no place in my life. I've learned over the years to just cut off all contact and not give that person another chance.

It's never just one person's fault when a friendship breaks down either. So, maybe you could do some soul searching to find out what your part is, with how this friendship broke down with your friend. Were they ever a true friend or were they more of a casual acquaintance to start with? What was the balance of power between you two?

It's also not healthy to dwell on failed friendships. So, try not to dwell.

I agree it isn't healthy to dwell, it's that fine line between reflecting and learning from mistakes and dwelling negatively.

I did indeed contribute towards the breakdown of communication with this person and have apologised for that. They have apologised to me too. It has been positive in that way.

Thanks.

If you decide that the friendship doesn't contribute anything positive to your life, don't hang on to it. Toxic people never change.

Also remember, Discombobulated, that ending the friendship doesn't mean you are saying they are all bad or fully to blame or anything like that. You're just saying it's not a good relationship for you to be in. It's not a judgment on them; it's about what is best for you. "I don't like you" or "I don't want to continue this friendship" does not equal "you are a bad person." I get the feeling you are worried you are being judgmental in ending it. You aren't. You are just choosing what works best for you.

I think you hit upon something here Seesaw. I originally posted this in coping with emotions and mods moved it to relationships forum. I understand why they did that but to me this issue is largely about my emotional response.

Yes I do feel in a way I am being harsh. This person has been a supportive friend many times. They are not a bad person. They have issues yes. In the past they have emoted to me many times about these issues. They still want to be friends despite lashing out at me more recently. I am a people pleaser generally and it is confusing for me. Being a people pleaser is not healthy I recognise.

Thanks for reading and understanding, it really helps.

Good post.

I also have experienced the end of a friendship quite recently. The situation was very different (the person just chose to block me, I was unaware of any issues.... except for one omission I had made )

I also believe that your heart is open and caring and that in time you will find other special friends. I consider you a friend too :-)

many hugs

I am so sorry you had this experience Fuzzy. This person sounds like they did not behave in an emotionally mature way towards you. To not give someone the chance to discuss is very unfair. Social media can be such an abrupt and harsh tool.

I agree Tuned out gave an excellent piece of advice.

Thank you for your kind words about me - I consider you a friend too!

Reading through this thread I can see progress. I did post about my belief I am not meant to have friends. That was self sabotaging. Actually I do have some close friends who are special to me and more recently I developed a friendship with someone else too who is lovely. I must confess I am very picky about who I choose to be my friends too.

A reason a season a lifetime.

This has been a painful one for me. Slowly I am processing it.

Hugs. Sometimes pain teaches us things but it doesn't make it any easier.

Wow.. I have just signed in to post about my own issues with someone I thought of as a friend and saw this as the most recent post.. That's fascinating to me. I hope you are well discombobulated.. I read that you have grown in a positive way from this experience since posting months ago. That's great all the best to you, keep being strong and be happy, we're here for you

This is so true. Your kindness and understanding helps lessen that pain though. Big lessons with this one.