[MrsA]

Recently, I've been trying to get a 40 year old to clean up after themselves and getting a lot of stonewalling and toxic behavior. She ignores me completely unless I open her bedroom door to make essential communications. Then she glares from her bed and grunts terse replies. I don't like this person, but her extra hostility is making me nervous because she controls all the household money. But I'm getting distracted from my issue.

Yesterday, I reminded her to empty the wastebasket she had stuffed full of used sanitary napkins because trash pickup was this morning. She didn't do it and I hesitated to bring it up again because she has been giving me the silent treatment since we had a fight about her leaving dog poop in another wastebasket.

So the used napkins are still in a wastebasket that doesn't even have a plastic liner in it. I don't use that wastebasket and I find it too debasing to take out her bloody napkins after she started gaslighting and trying to convince me I never do housework. I do often pick up used pads from the floor. Sometimes I have even found hard dried ones from years ago in different parts of the house (sorry if this is grossing you out).

The problem is that I used to clean up after her until her habits grew so extreme that I can't keep up with the mess.

I know some people struggle to get teenage girls to properly dispose of sanitary napkins at home. Does anyone have tips on how to handle a middle aged person who behaves like a toxic defiant teenager?

[divine1966]

Who is this person and why does she live with you?

Does she have dementia?

[MrsA]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Who is this person and why does she live with you?

Adult subling. Co-own family home and I can't afford to move out.

[MrsA]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Does she have dementia?

I have often wondered about dementia. Had a huge fight but I'm hoping it's sorted for now.

Originally Posted by MrsA

I have often wondered about dementia. Had a huge fight but I'm hoping it's sorted for now.

Can you take your adult sibling to his or her doctor? They can do a memory test on him or her without her knowing it, because they’ll just ask your sibling random questions to test their memory. That’s the first step to getting a diagnosis.

Next you need to call the Alzheimers Association 800 number. They service every city in all 50 states. They have social workers on call 24 hour seven days a week who will answer your questions, And who can also email or mail you resources available to your sibling in your city to help you the caregiver and help your sibling: such as insurance paid for nursing services where a nurse will come over do housekeeping laundry and showering of your sibling for you.

This is also something your sibling’s doctor can write a referral For so that your siblings insurance will cover the service.

[MrsA]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

Can you take your adult sibling to his or her doctor? They can do a memory test on him or her without her knowing it, because they’ll just ask your sibling random questions to test their memory. That’s the first step to getting a diagnosis.

Next you need to call the Alzheimers Association 800 number. They service every city in all 50 states. They have social workers on call 24 hour seven days a week who will answer your questions, And who can also email or mail you resources available to your sibling in your city to help you the caregiver and help your sibling: such as insurance paid for nursing services where a nurse will come over do housekeeping laundry and showering of your sibling for you.

This is also something your sibling’s doctor can write a referral For so that your siblings insurance will cover the service.

Thanks for the suggestions, but she absolutely refuses and says I'm autistic when I try to address her behavior.

Another problem is if I tell the authorities it's her mess and she denies it, I have no way of proving I'm not equally responsible for the mess.

I'm having a really bad day and I can't get anything done and I haven't gotten around to having breakfast yet. Every time we have a fight, she says that everyone else hates me and says bad things about me andnthat theynlike her better. This leavea me wondering who among my friends and family actually like me and who I can trust. Mayb she is just lying to get under my skin and I have tontry to forget all the times she said these things.

@MrsA so your sibling refuses to go to the doctor office with you? Then you should call the doctor's office to report their behavior because it is likely caused by dementia. Changes in mood or personality -- esp. combative behavior is a sign of dementia.

Memory Loss & 10 Early Signs of Alzheimer’s | alz.org

You really should have someone from the doctor's office come out to your home to assess your sibling, or you will be stuck as the caregiver without any resources for yourself.

You need to get your sibling medically assessed for dementia. Meanwhile, please call the Alzheimers Association and speak to a social worker who can email you resources. If you don't take any action then nothing will change and you will experience caregiver burnout, if you haven't already. I know it's hard but you need to take control.

I want to add, that you can actually call your county's department of human services (DHS) and start the process for a county assessment of your sibling. First, you speak to a social worker on the phone. Describe your sibling's behavior changes and how you have taken on the caregiver role since your sibling is not capable of independent living. The county can set up a date and time with you to come out to your house to assess your sibling, and determine if they qualify for county support. That means, you could move your sibling into a nursing home memory care unit with the elderly waiver or equivalent (state by state call it something different I think).

So, you are not alone here. You have access to help. If you are afraid of being judged by the doctor's office or county assessor, don't be. Part of their job requires them to interview the caregiver (you, in this case) to find out what tasks and responsibilities you've had to take on to help your sibling live day to day. The county can also do a memory test on your sibling to determine the onset of dementia.

[MrsA]

Thanks @StreetcarBlanche.

I gave up for a bit because someone I went to for advice said I didn't have a case, but I started wondering if they were lying to me because I had the feeling they thought I was the crazy one.

The problem is that my sister acts like social butterfly, posting tons of narcissistic photos at angles that only show a clean bit of wall or a small part of the yard. And people tend to think I'm neurotic and nervous because during the years I was more social, I was having nervous breakdowns from getting regularly attacked by my sister and our stepfather (he favored her) so I don't have confidence that people will believe me.

When I confronted her about hitting my glasses once (she shoved her arm in my face and knocked me aside to get to the fridge) she said I always exaggerated, but I told her yesterday she could get jail time for that under state law. Still, it would be my word against hers.

I did look up the county mental health website yesterday and I emailed someone to ask if there was free mental healthcare available near where I live. I told them the mess is so bad that I panic when people knock on the door and I'm afraid to call 911 during emergencies because I'm anxious about people seeing the mess.

If things don't get better, I might have to call someone in even if I'm scared of people seeing the mess. And when I tell relatives, they brush me off as if I'm negative and complain too much.

Do you mean, "mess" as in your living conditions? There's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm glad you emailed someone at your county already. Since you list your location as Nevada, I found the DHS page you need:

HCBW_Prog

I would focus on getting your sister "social adult daycare" so you can clean up your house and get a mental break from taking care of her. Believe me, social workers are well-trained for walking into caregiver's homes and seeing a mess. When I was my mother's caregiver, I had to do everything by myself and sometimes her large 1-bedroom looked like a tornado hit it. Because I was too exhausted to clean it.

You need to take your focus off of how your sister and family wronged you. That is something a therapist separately from your sister's care can help you deal with.

Right now, reframe your situation is getting help from the county to take care of your sister until you can move her to a nursing home. And that's precisely why the Alzheimers Association and county social workers who deal with the elderly are trained to help you.

But your mindset right now is 100% focused on the wrong thing; how YOU feel wronged etc.,. What you are experiencing is called "caregiver" burnout. Until you get the county care in place for your sister, you will not be able to fix this situation for you both. I know I sound harsh but that's not my intention. I come at you with compassion and experience. I went through this with my own mother. It was not easy.

Here are the offices you need to contact:

Contact:AgingDisability

Here is the chatroom forum for caregivers, on the Alzheimer Association's website. Here you can post your story with your sister and hear from others who are in your situation. They can offer you emotional support and ideas too, esp. if they live in Nevada. It's about connecting yourself to the community around you, to get the help you need for you and your sister.

https://www.alzconnected.org/

Good luck!!

[divine1966]

Did I read it right that she is 40? So she is a young woman. Does she suffer from some illness that prevents her from cleaning after herself? If she is that deranged and incapacitated, how is she controlling your money up to the point of you being unable to have bank accounts or any of your own money? I am just not understanding this situation.

Wait...so your sister is 40 and has power of attorney over you? I'm confused now. How does she have control over your finances if she is the sick one?

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by MrsA

Thanks for the suggestions, but she absolutely refuses and says I'm autistic when I try to address her behavior.

Another problem is if I tell the authorities it's her mess and she denies it, I have no way of proving I'm not equally responsible for the mess.

I'm having a really bad day and I can't get anything done and I haven't gotten around to having breakfast yet. Every time we have a fight, she says that everyone else hates me and says bad things about me andnthat theynlike her better. This leavea me wondering who among my friends and family actually like me and who I can trust. Mayb she is just lying to get under my skin and I have tontry to forget all the times she said these things.

(((MrsA))), I am sorry you have been dealing with such a toxic older sister. From what you have shared, your sister has made it a point to "control" everything from the business you both have, to the money and the home you live in. Anything you say to her, any request or suggestion is met with her responding very negatively. She won't even allow you to try to pay down your credit card and instead insists on controlling what happens with that too, taking that over like it is "hers". She has even put in efforts to take over your friends and try to see if she can get them to dislike you.

The more you describe your sister, the more I can see similarities to how my older sister behaves and it's VERY disordered and she can get VERY twisted and abusive. You are suffering just like your sister's dog who worries and is stressed to the point where the dog literally pees and poops all over out of stress. Whatever this personality disorder is, the person tends to blame everyone else and there is this need to be superior and nothing you try even if what you suggest is right, only she is right no matter what.

It's very hard to fight back with this kind of individual. They tend to position themselves as being the one who controls and they do this mentally as well. I believe you and I believe your sister tries to take over everything and finds ways to put you in the role of "not being worthy" and if there is a problem she finds ways to blame you.

I do believe that you don't have the means to get away from her and that you have to deal with her because otherwise you would be homeless. That even when it comes to making money, your sister controls the business and insists on running how whatever money comes in SHE controls. It's not so EASY to get help for what you are dealing with. Also, there can be "shame" to admit how bad things are and that you have not been able to stand up to her or change how toxic things are yourself. Also, your sister tends to isolate you and takes anything you can have that helps you have power away from you. She controls the car the two of you share too. And she wants you to feel bad about yourself, because that's what abusers do, they abuse their victim mentally too insisting their victim feel they are unworthy and useless.

I can see that you spin your wheels to try and figure out how you can do some things "your" way. That you found some side work and hope you can pay down your debt and you can't seem to even get that to work for you.

Well, at least you can come here and vent how you are being abused, you ARE being abused MrsA. I am not sure who you can talk to about this and you may need to reach out to an abuse hotline to see if there is a way you can get help without facing even more abuse. It's not so easy to walk away when the abuser controls everything like what you have shared here. Unfortunately, abusers manipulate everything to make sure they have the upper hand and their victims have no real escape.

That being said, if you have your own phone, I suggest you take pictures and see if you can even record the abusive things your sister says to you. It's not so easy to break free of this kind of abusive controlling person.