My mom hates my beau, and I'm to blame

The last 6 months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. With the help of therapy and my psychiatrist, I was able to get stable. Then a few weeks ago, I lost one of my beloved pets (I have no children so he was very dear to my heart) and kind of went off the deep end of depression. I took it out on my beau (totally unfair) and he eventually got tired of it last week,called me on it, said some hurtful things (I know he was also upset by the loss) and next thing I know, I told him to get out and I am calling my mom crying about how awful he is and how I can never forgive him. Why? Only that emotionally fragile Jaymoq will know. I was sad and felt alone and it was not good. I KNOW better than to call friends or family but in that moment, I felt so desperate and who do I call when I feel that way? Momma.

My mom of course rushed in to protector mode and assured me all was well and I was right to call because of course I told her the version of the story that made me seem like the victim. The one where HE was wrong, I was just mourning and he lashed out and its the last straw. Yeah-- it pains me to write this now. Again, not my finest hour.

The dust has settled between beau and I, I have apologized profusely, we both said things we didn't mean during this fight and we want to reconcile. He's been staying at his dad's in another state for the holidays, so in a way it has given him time to visit with him, but CLEARLY not the way it should have happened. We had planned to spend the holidays together.

Now are you ready to add fuel to this fire? Well, when I bought this property I was financially recovering from a divorce at the time so my mom co-signed. And she reminds me often how this is partially her house. She was supposed to sell me her portion when I was able to finance it by myself but she refused. Fast forward to now when I mentioned to her how my beau and I are communicating and how he will be coming home soon after visiting his dad. She replied absolutely not, he will not be coming back to that property after he hurt you. Not right now.

First of all, I feel like an idiot for getting myself in to this. Secondly, legally his name isn't on the deed, her's and mine are. He and I are not married.

I have to respect her as my co-signer but I am trying to appeal to her as my mother. I have explained I overreacted. I tried to discuss my mental health battles (because I don't always share that with her) and I have pleaded to her. I have shared how important he is to me. This feels like high school all over again where I ask "Can I have a boy over?"

I mentioned he has been contributing to the mortgage since moving in and she told me she'll refund him. It's a standoff and my beau is on the firing line and I'm in these cross hairs trying to fix it.

My beau has been off work for the school holidays as he works for a school, but come next week he is due back. He's naturally ticked (and rightfully so), my mom is drawing a line in the sand and I am embarrassed and know I acted like a child and I reap what I sow, but I so badly want to fix this and I don't know how. I thought about seeing if my mom would sell to me again, but I feel like that would only send her off the deep end. I don't want this to become a legal battle. I had hoped this would blow over. I know I am an adult and I can decide who I do or don't date, but I made the choice to involve my mom (a regrettable decision) and I don't want this to get worse. What am I afraid of? Why can't he just come back and I tell her tough? I don't know. She alluded to calling the sheriff and saying he is trespassing and threatened me. Legally that's not going to hold up but do I want my poor beau to be questioned by the sheriff? I would rather avoid that.

I hope I can continue to appeal to her during this week. Beau is supposed to be coming back to town this weekend and I feel caught in the middle of chaos of my own doing.

Hey @jaymoq

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Originally Posted by jaymoq The last 6 months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. With the help of therapy and my psychiatrist, I was able to get stable. Then a few weeks ago, I lost one of my beloved pets (I have no children so he was very dear to my heart) and kind of went off the deep end of depression. I took it out on my beau (totally unfair) and he eventually got tired of it last week,called me on it, said some hurtful things (I know he was also upset by the loss) and next thing I know, I told him to get out and I am calling my mom crying about how awful he is and how I can never forgive him. Why? Only that emotionally fragile Jaymoq will know. I was sad and felt alone and it was not good. I KNOW better than to call friends or family but in that moment, I felt so desperate and who do I call when I feel that way? Momma.

Are you normally close to your mother?

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My mom of course rushed in to protector mode and assured me all was well and I was right to call because of course I told her the version of the story that made me seem like the victim. The one where HE was wrong, I was just mourning and he lashed out and its the last straw. Yeah-- it pains me to write this now. Again, not my finest hour.

Dont be too hard on yourself for this. When we reach out to loved ones about our partners misdeeds we all tell a one sided story.

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Now are you ready to add fuel to this fire? Well, when I bought this property I was financially recovering from a divorce at the time so my mom co-signed. And she reminds me often how this is partially her house. She was supposed to sell me her portion when I was able to finance it by myself but she refused. Fast forward to now when I mentioned to her how my beau and I are communicating and how he will be coming home soon after visiting his dad. She replied absolutely not, he will not be coming back to that property after he hurt you. Not right now.

What I do not understand is her thoughts on telling you he can come home. You are also on the deed so you can have anyone you want there. Even if she were to take you to court you can prove you live there full time and she does not and she wouldnt have a leg to stand on.

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First of all, I feel like an idiot for getting myself in to this. Secondly, legally his name isn't on the deed, her's and mine are. He and I are not married.

I think this is a good thing. If you are not married and have not bought your mother out this a good way to protect yourself should things go south.

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I have to respect her as my co-signer but I am trying to appeal to her as my mother. I have explained I overreacted. I tried to discuss my mental health battles (because I don't always share that with her) and I have pleaded to her. I have shared how important he is to me. This feels like high school all over again where I ask "Can I have a boy over?"

Its perfectly find to respect your mother but respect doesnt mean doing what she says. Have you asked her why she wont let you buy her out? She doesnt live there, get mail there or pay the maintaince costs right?

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I mentioned he has been contributing to the mortgage since moving in and she told me she'll refund him. It's a standoff and my beau is on the firing line and I'm in these cross hairs trying to fix it.

She can say she will refund him all she wants but he is under no obligation to take it or leave. Does he get mail there? Are his things there? Even if she called the cops they would tell her that he doesnt have to leave because he established residency there and you want him there.

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My beau has been off work for the school holidays as he works for a school, but come next week he is due back. He's naturally ticked (and rightfully so), my mom is drawing a line in the sand and I am embarrassed and know I acted like a child and I reap what I sow, but I so badly want to fix this and I don't know how. I thought about seeing if my mom would sell to me again, but I feel like that would only send her off the deep end. I don't want this to become a legal battle. I had hoped this would blow over. I know I am an adult and I can decide who I do or don't date, but I made the choice to involve my mom (a regrettable decision) and I don't want this to get worse. What am I afraid of? Why can't he just come back and I tell her tough? I don't know. She alluded to calling the sheriff and saying he is trespassing and threatened me. Legally that's not going to hold up but do I want my poor beau to be questioned by the sheriff? I would rather avoid that.

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If you have solid credit and steady finances, there’s a chance you may be asked to co-sign for a friend or family member’s loan at some point in life.

It could be to help them purchase a house, buy a car, or even just take out a personal or student loan. Either way, having you on the application can increase your loved one’s chances of approval — especially if they have poor credit or insufficient financial resources.

Unfortunately, the move might not be as beneficial for you. Though there’s a chance that co-signing another person’s loan could improve your credit score, that’s not always the case. In fact, there are quite a few risks that come with being a co-signer, and if you’ve been asked to be one yourself, it’s important to consider it from every angle before moving forward.

Co-signers vs. co-borrowers
There are two types of parties that can apply for a loan alongside you: a co-signer and a co-borrower. In both situations, all parties are legally responsible for the debt that’s being taken out. The credit scores and financial details of both parties are also considered in the application.

After that, the two roles diverge. Here are the big-picture details of both scenarios:

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Co-signers They have no title or ownership in the property (house, car, etc.) They’re legally obligated to repay the loan if the primary signer falls behind Their income, assets, credit score, and debt-to-income ratio are considered in the loan application. Co-signers are often used to help applicants qualify who wouldn’t otherwise be able to.

Loan Co-signers: What are my rights? | Bankrate
She cant do anything to you, You should stop appealing to her emotionally about your partner and if she really really wants a drawn out expensive headache let her go to court. The Sheriff wont do a thing. She is just a financial guarantor not an owner or resident.

Sarah that was very helpful!

Are you financially stable enough to buy another place and get a lawyer where you can sue her for the other half of the house and sue for harassment against your boyfriend? I would already be seeking legal advice on what she can legally do and do not as a precaution and when the time comes have it fix where her rights are terminated.

I agree with Sarahsweets .since you co-own you have legal rights. Your mother can put up a stink but legally you are protected. You live there. You’re an adult and can choose whom you date at your discrepancy. Your mother has no right to treat you like a child just because she co-signed. You had a moment of weakness during a very emotional time. Your mother can’t now use that against you and him. She sounds very controlling. Tell her to back off and continue seeing your beau.

While your mother may have cosigned the loan for the house, what's important is if your mother is listed with you as a property owner on the home/property.