Codependent

How do you deal with being codependent on other people to make you feel happy? What coping skills are there for codepency?

Good question. I think it takes lots of practice. I’m trying...

Thank you. It something that I would like to work and change about myself.

Buffy, check out Melody Beattie's website. She's the expert on codependency.

Good question! I am recovering from codependency (what a relief it is!). It is such a powerless feeling to need a person so much, and most of the time codependent people are plagued with a lot of fear and anxiety about detachment from this person. There is nothing romantic about it. To answer your question (if I can) I think we first need to understand how the codependency comes about. Codependency is a response to recovering or dealing with past pain or trauma. When we feel that void inside of us, sometimes it is too physically painful for us to go in and heal it, and what happens is we will latch onto the first thing that seems to be the cure/medicine to the life we are in. That is why we need them so much. Life without them means we are exposed/vulnerable/insecure/unstable again. Most codependent relationships end up being toxic because we want the other person to fulfill our unmet needs. That is a lot of pressure. And this pressure turns sour.

So if you want to end this pain of codependency you need to decide to separate yourself from this person for some time. It won’t be easy or fun, and they most probably will argue against this. But during this separation you need to allow yourself to be exposed again, vulnerable again, and deal with past scars that may have brought you into the loving arms of this person. Heal and forgive who ever you need to. Not for them but for the health of your future relationships. Then take some few months to re-learn who you are. Practice self-care, set some personal goals, start exercising or walking, journaling etc. Come back to yourself so that if you choose to go back to your codependent person, you are going back fully independent and self-sufficient. With love for yourself and more love to share with them.

I hope it all works out to your favour!

I will. Thank you.

Thank you for this information. What you are describing is exactly what I am going through?

The codependent definition is:

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior,” according to Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

In order to break the cycle of codependency, you need to recognize codependent tendencies and traits.

Here are 5 ways to have healthy relationships when you are codependent on your partner.

1. Practice Self-Care.

When you are involved in a codependent relationship, you often lose sight of yourself. You spend the majority of your time and energy trying to fix the other person. To move forward and create healthier relationships, it will be important for you to take time to explore yourself.

Explore your likes, dislikes, needs, desires, thoughts, and feelings. It will be detrimental if you don’t take the time to understand what you need from a relationship. If you don’t take the time, you will slip back into the pattern of taking care of someone else.

2. Learn to be Independent.

Start doing things by yourself without feeling like you always need to be around your partner. Take yourself out to dinner, go to the movies alone, or pick up a new hobby. Typically, people who experience codependency find it very difficult to spend time by themselves.

Codependent people have grown to be dependent on others for self-fulfillment. Learn to be content with being alone rather than fearing it. This is powerful in overcoming codependency.

3. Set Realistic Expectations.

If you place unrealistic expectations on your relationships then you will be let down. Expecting someone else to fulfill you is only setting you up for heartbreak.
Learn to be happy with who you are as a person. That way, you don’t have to expect someone else to be the sole provider of your happiness.

4. Practice Setting Boundaries.

Codependency in relationships often means there are very few boundaries in place. Chances are, you have spent a lot of time worrying about other people. And, you have let go of many of the important boundaries in your life.

Therefore, it is important to learn how to say “no” to people or situations that are not healthy. Saying “no” does not mean you are being selfish or disrespectful. Saying “no” means you are looking out for your well-being.

5. Deal with Your Past.

Sometimes, your tendency to display codependent behaviors is a result of past trauma. Take a look at your family relationships, abuse, neglect, or other events that may be stopping you from being comfortable with who you are.

Digging up things from your past may be painful and uncomfortable, but it is necessary to be able to move forward.

If you feel like you may have the tendency to turn towards codependency, it is important to recognize that you can break the cycle!

Break the cycles by working on your self-care and by learning how to be more independent. And, set healthy boundaries and realistic expectations in order to achieve healthy relationships.

5 Tips for Breaking the Cycle of Codependency in Your Relationships

I'd suggest taking little steps and start doing things by yourself. For example try to do something that you usually do with other people entirely by yourself. Also try to work on yourself as much as you possibly can. You deserve to Love Yourself! I am so sorry if this isn't of too much help. I do Hope in any case that you'll be able to get through ALL of this and that you'll be able to appreciate Yourself more! WE ARE ALL HERE AND WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU, MY FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Buffy01, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you for this information about coherency. I'm already looking for melody beattle books. Everything listed describes me.

Thank you. That another thing I am working on myself with how to love myself.

wow. I just posted and started reading others. maybe this is what im dealing with. but over a year later im still feeling bad

I'm glad that I start this thread to help other like us.

Yup, looks familiar to me also. Thanks.

I'm happy that I could help you out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy01 How do you deal with being codependent on other people to make you feel happy? What coping skills are there for codepency?

How to Fix an Addicted and Codependent Relationship | Willingway
I know this refers to marriage but it has some good points regardless of what type of codependent relationship one is in.

Those are excellent suggestions. It reminded me of a recent situation when I was considering breaking up from my boyfriend because I was giving so much to and getting so little from the relationship.

When I decided to do this, I had my one and only panic attack ever. My T said it was attachment panic. I'd not heard the term, but it made perfect sense.

Lots of suggestions in these forums helped me cope, including all the ones you mentioned.

Anyway . . . I revisited that original decision and decided (again) it was the right one.

Very soon will move out of the relationship and out of state, and excited and thrilled about it!

It takes time, and also depends on how long you were in the relationship and just what from your past is triggered by the other's behavior.

Sending you many hugs!

I just been diagnosis with codependent and abandonment.

I'm taking this advice now that I been diagnosis with codependent.

That is great advice! I am working on this myself.

Thank you! For the link.

That true. I never thought about that!

I’m still struggling with codependency due to me asking too many advice and feeling abandoned after being left out of family events.

@Buffy01, I wish I had some good advice or words of wisdom to share. I don't because I believe I am codependent too, and I struggle with it immensely.

Being left out of family events would hurt, so I can imagine that would naturally trigger feelings of abandonment. I have abandonment issues too, so I can relate.

As for asking for advice too frequently? I still ask my parents for advice a lot of the time, especially when it comes to work issues. I guess I don't have that much confidence in myself, which is why I ask for guidance more than I should.

Maybe the answer is to seek the answers within yourself more? And to lean on yourself more than you do on others for the advice you seek? I am trying to do this myself, but it's a challenge due to the confidence issue. I wish I had more confidence in my own ability to problem solve, but I find it helpful to get others' perspectives.

I'm sorry that I cannot be helpful, but I wanted to offer my support, at the very least because I am in a similar boat.

Hugs to you.